[crick]

Another thread brought up a similar issue to mine but didn't want to hijack that thread so am starting my own.

As many of you know, I adopted 4 siblings from foster care. They are now 8,9,10 & 11. We have a closed adoption and I do not know where the bparents are. I have suspicions, but haven't been able to locate them yet.

When the kids were placed with us, we were told that bmom was pregnant again. As far as I know, she is parenting that child and it's reasonable to "assume" that she could have more children.
A couple of years ago we were told that bdad left the state after once again having a child of his removed by the state. During this time, it was revealed to me that bdad has fathered approximately 11 children (mine included) ranging from ages 2-20 years old. He is not parenting any of his children.

Issue -

We have not told the kids that they have 1/2 siblings scattered across the country and I'm really not sure how to bring that up with them. We have had other issues of more concern to deal with in the last 6 years, so this has always been a "not a priority now" issue. I don't however, want to wait too much longer. I know that telling news like this to kids in their teens is not a good idea.

How though do I really bring this up? And how, when I don't have any concrete answers for them, answer the inevitable "Why did bmom let us go and then go parent other baby(ies)"? I think bdad will be easier to explain b/c they are going to realize he is not a person who parents but simply fathers. It won't be as hurtful since it's not just them he screwed up with. But bmom? I have no clue really how to discuss this one. I don't use the ole "She just couldn't take care of you" line anymore. Two of my kids remember things and they know this is not a true statement. (old enough to have their own opinions on things) So saying to them "She loved you but didn't have her act together in time to raise you and later got her act together for your 1/2 sibling(s)"...not gonna fly.

I really am at a loss, especially since I don't know the situation facts and a lot of my answers are going to be "I don't know." It's a catch 22 for me....bringing it up without answers is cruel, and yet not sharing it is cruel.

Thoughts??

[Stormster]

Crick if anyone can do this you can. I think as adults we can talk about things in a way that will make sense to a child without necessarily having ALL the answers. If you can say "We can't know right now but I'm hoping I can get more information for you, I know it is your right to know" or whatever age appropriate language for this I think that will go a long way.

I am a HUGE believer in others (not just children) being as confused as you are. I have a talent for acting normally and playing down complicated or confusing situations so that the people around me don't panic or react. I know you do that every day here Crick (heck you've done it for me!)

Be human, be real, and just be THERE. kwim?

[minibus]

Honestly, I think that "I don't know" is going to be the way to go. I think that if your kids can see that it's painful for you as well and that you're not saying "I don't know" and meaning "I'm not going to tell you" ... that you really DON'T know, they will understand ... at least to the best of their abilities. Kids will understand and need to understand that adults aren't omniscient, that sometimes we indeed do NOT know. My heart goes out to you in what will surely be difficult but necessary conversations.

[finallyamom0310]

Crick, I have been on this site for only 5 short months and have seen you give some great advice. You are a wonderful mother and your kids will know that when you tell them you don't know the answers to their questions that you are being honest with them. I think just telling them like it is and if they want to explore options to find their BSiblings helping them find those options is the best you can do. Let them know you wanted to have answers before talking to them and haven't gotten anywhere with obtaining those answers but felt now is the time to talk about it with them. If that makes sense.

Good luck and keep us all posted on how they handle the conversation when you have it.

[feelingreyt]

Crick,
That is a tough decision to make. It's easy to just say "tell them everything you know, be honest and upfront, use age appropriate language", but in reality, these are kids who have been through alot and you really don't know how they are going to react.
I do, however, believe that they should know as soon as possible.
Maybe if you just say something like "I am so sorry that I don't have many details to share with you. Hopefully, when you all are ready, we will be able to find out more information"
As I type this the thought runs through my mind that kids reactions to things can totally surprise us. They may not really care about all the details. They may just be glad that you were upfront and honest with them. And also, you may have 4 totally different reactions. It's a complicated situation that you are in. My thoughts are with you.
As an aparent of a child who has 1 full bio sister, 2 half bios with bmom, and other half bios that we know NOTHING about with bdad, my heart goes out you.

[belleinblue1978]

Crick,

I don't know is a fine answer. You don't know, you are being honest.

You're there for your kids, they know they can come to you with questions and I know that you would do everything in your power to get them the answers they need. Sometimes those answers aren't in our reach.

I was talking with a girl the other day who was getting ready for release. She was asking "why does mom do this?" I had to be honest and say "I don't know." She is in her mid teens, she accepted that answer because I was honest. What I know from my job is that kids prefer an I don't know over a Susie Sunshine lie.

[Lovebug]

All I can say is {{{hugs}}}. It is often things I think about, too, in regards to my own children. I just keep telling myself that when the time is right, the right words will come through.

--Renee

[thanksgivingmom]

"I don't know" is the truth in your situation. Like Belle said, sometimes we don't HAVE the answers, they're out of reach. One day these answers might be closer, and you'll all work together then too.

You're an AWESOME Mom and I think that it's great that you're thinking about this so much now. ((((hugs))))

[HappyHopefulMommy]

WOW - that is so hard. I agree with others that saying "I don't know" would be the best you could say. We have been placed with 3 sibs that are 3, 5 and 6. They have a younger 1/2 sibling in another fost/adopt home. We have monthly visits with him, but I think about the rest of our lives all the time. Even after finalizing we still want to do visits, but at some point one of us will most likely move from the area. Mine is a totally different situation though, the bmom does not have any kids with her. 1 1/2 years ago we had a failed adoption. But that baby was #5 for bmom. So we thought about that alot. How do we tell him that his bmom has 4 siblings living with her and she placed him for adoption? I am so sorry. I just feel like so much of this is so unfair to the kids. Just tell them whatever you do know and be honest. Good luck.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Maybe a good way to open up the discussion would be "how would you feel if your mom or dad had other kids?" or something like that. Then you can get an idea of what they think about it before you mention your suspicions. If they don't seem ready to talk about it at the time, then you could wait. They'd probably think about it (if they haven't already), and come back to you at some point and say something like "Why did you ask that?"

I've never been in your situation, though, so this is just a suggestion. My ex-husband and his siblings found out after their father's death (which was a year or so after their mother's death) that they had an older full-sibling who had been adopted, as well as a half-sibling from an affair their father had. None of them were traumatized by the information, but they were all raised by their bparents, so I can't speak to how the other two siblings felt (or how much they knew beforehand). I know that my ex's sister had some contact with the adopted sibling (letters, maybe e-mails, but I don't think they had any plans to meet as of the last time I saw her). I guess the moral of that story is that your kids could find out at any time, so if they seem to genuinely have never even thought of the possibility, it might not be a bad idea to plant the seed so they won't be completely shocked if they find out later on.

[crick]

Thanks everyone! I do see how saying "I don't know" IS an answer, even if I would like to have a different one. I think my "fears" in this all is really how to deal with each kid's reaction. I know my dd will be really upset about it. At least I'm preparing myself for that reaction. She misses bmom at times and is the one that will want to seek her out, so her "expectation" level is higher and at times a bit unrealistic than the boys.

I do love the "How would you feel" way of starting the discussion, and no, it never dawned on me to start it that way! LOL!

Man...mediating the site, dealing with anyone's "stuff" is just so much easier than with my kids! Even after all we have overcome with them, this thing just sits in the back of my mind and completely overwhelms me.

All the hurt they have been through...I don't want it to be me to add to it. kwim?

[specialk4b]

Originally Posted by crick

Man...mediating the site, dealing with anyone's "stuff" is just so much easier than with my kids!

It's because you care deeply about them and us forum folk are just an idle amusement - LOL.

I do think that dealing honestly with them is the best policy. They do need to know they have half sibs running around the state as they grow up and date (heaven forbid they date or marry a half sib and not know).

It might be tough for the kids to process this. I don't have any good answers - I struggle with this myself. My birth mother married and had kids, so I've got half sibs she decided to parent. I don't even know how I feel about that.

[Lorraine123]

I don't know if my daughter has any birth siblings. We send an email to the worker who placed her with us about once a year asking if she knows of any new siblings. I want to be able to tell my daughter if there are others instead of her finding out on her own. I am like you in that I don't know for sure. I just say that, based on the information that I have, I don't know of any siblings.

[crick]

Karen - LOL! Well not JUST idle amusement...

In all the time I've known you, I don't think I realized you had 1/2 siblings! If you told me and I forgot, I'm sorry! It's interesting to me that as an adult, you aren't sure how you feel about it and can imagine it has given you some difficult times. I don't mean that in a bad way..just made me realize that even if I DID have the answers they will want, I still won't be able to necessarily make it not hurt for them or carry some of that burden for them. kwim?

I know part of my dilemma with the "I don't know" is because my kids are definitely "I NEED to know" kids and spent too many years not knowing things or having to provide their own answers to things. I truly hate that this is another chapter in their lives of "I don't know". Sigh....remind me to reform adoption from foster care in my spare time! lol!

Lorraine - That's definitely a factor for me...I don't want them finding out on their own or by surprise. It's not fair to them at all if that happens.