[finallyamom0310]

My DH and I have been arguing lately a lot with my stepson over his summer activities. It has gotten to the point where he is now limiting his visits as he wants more time at his mothers because she lets him do what he wants. He is almost 16 years old, his best friend is a girl that he dated on and off during the school year last year and now they are just friends again. They post on myspace all the time that they love each other and can't go an hour without talking. As far as we are concerned they are dating without the term. Anyway, they have been having sleep overs all summer (except on the weekends as he is with us and we don't approve). They have slept over both her house and his mothers house, stay up till all hours of the morning and don't get up till late afternoon. We think this is totally inappropriate but can't do anything about it.

When we talked to his mother last year about his failing classes and us being worried about him even graduating on time, she lied to our faces and said she takes everything away from him too and will collaborate with us to help him do better in school. She has done nothing. She is totally the type of person to do what he wants to make him happy and let him get by with everything. He is a good kid and says nothing is going on as he won't do anything in either of our homes but we were all teens not that long ago and know better.

We have also talked to one of his friends across the street. She is about 6 months older than our son and is like a daughter to us. She said her mom lets boys sleep over too as she trusts her. Now our son has admitted to us that this girl is already having sex. Well we figured that was coming.

Anyway is this really becoming the norm?? Any of you with teens, does this really happen?? WE JUST DON"T GET IT. This didn't happen in our day or we would have been restricted and sent to a convent. KWIM.

Thanks for listening.

[Stormster]

Yikes! nononononono too much! Then again they'd still be doing it in the car, the park, etc. so maybe it's "safer"???

[aMarylandfamily]

This issue came up in our house a little over two years ago when our ds was 14. We too did not think it appropriate when initially being asked if he could go to one but the more parents we spoke with advised the kids who stayed were those less likely to get in trouble as the parents knew where they were and there was some adult supervision in place at all times. Our house is not set up for same so we haven't had one here but laid out rules and boundaries - and they basically do what you wrote - watch tv, play videogames, chat with each other, on the computer and on the phone and generally go home at dawn and sleep the day away.

One thing - ds who is also 16 now - has advised of how many friends lie to their parents about where they are staying and what they are doing and he is very happy that while we may not like what we hear totally nor agree with it he can call and tell us the truth as well as know that if he did get in a position he needs to get out of he can call for a ride home anytime!

Remember to get trust and respect - even when it is very hard as this age is a moody and defiant and even mean one at times - you have to give the two to them too (and just so you don't feel alone - some days that is very difficult to do!).

[minibus]

Sorry, but this was totally me when I was 16. My mom wouldn't let any such thing happen, but my dad let me sleep over at boys' houses all the time. So it happened anyway. One thing that did make a little difference for me was that some of my bf's parents made us sleep in the living room. Of course, we found other places to make out ... but that's a different story. IMO, if it's happening already, it's age appropriate (not like giving alcohol to a minor) .... all you can do is promote them being safe and try to set up good guidelines. If this doesn't sit well with you morally, though, I totally understand, but it IS the norm, at least from my experience and from what I see. It scares the bejeebers out of me that kids are having sex in grade school now, so 16 seems pretty tame. Of course, I'm SURE that I will have an entirely different opinion when it comes to K and J (our children)!!!

[manni28]

NO. NO. NO!

Put your foot down-fast! I grew up in the 70's and 80's and unisex sleepovers WERE'NT the norm! Please! Do you know what would have happened to me if my parents found out I went to a unisex sleepover? First I would have been shamed on the spot for lying to them. Then, the parents that "hosted" the sleepover would have been called on the carpet for "allowing this mess" to happen. Sometimes "old school" is the best school.

[Yash]

Manni,

I'm with you totally.

[2manyks]

i have teenagers and this is not the norm. of course we NEVER let the kids sleepover anywhere, no matter what the age. i have heard too many first hand stories of children being sexually abused when having a sleepover at a friends house. no matter who the trusted friend is, you never know who else will be visiting the house. a friend of the brother, next dooe neighbor or something like this. i realize we can't be everywhere at all times, but this is something i NEVER give in on. a few years ago my neighbors mother became a therapist for men who have sexually abused children. and yes, she recomfirmed my decision to NEVER let my children sleepover ANYWHERE. so my children are in their own beds EVERY night, no matter what their ages. i also realize they can find another place and time to do whatever they want to do, but at least they understand my feelings on the whole subject.

[Free_to_be_me]

There were a few nights that my boyfriend spent the night at my house when I was 16/17 years old. On the occasions that I had permission, there was nothing at all going on that my parents would not have been okay with. A couple of times my sis and I slept in my room and my boyfriend slept in my sisters room.

Another time it was my best friend and my boyfriend and his best friend who spent the night. We all slept on the deck outside (separate blankets, etc.)

Usually, there were very specific reasons for the overnights...e.g. sudden snowstorm that made both of our mothers uncomfortable with inexperienced drivers on the road.

Now, I'm not saying it was foolproof, but I didn't even make out with the guy a little bit when he was spending the night. (Of course, this is coming from a girl who got pregnant at seventeen...but it sure didn't happen at my house under my parents watchful eyes...)

[aclee]

Originally Posted by Free_to_be_me

(Of course, this is coming from a girl who got pregnant at seventeen...but it sure didn't happen at my house under my parents watchful eyes...)

I don't think it's the norm. Yes teens get pregnant, but I think a "kids will have sex, might as well let them have it at home" mentality is sort of dangerous. If they are going to find a car, let them. That's far less frequent and comfortable than a bed in MY home. If I every have a child part of a teen or unplanned pregnancy, it won't have happened in my home, with my permission. Maybe it will happen anyway, but I would kick myself 5Xs as hard if it happened in the bed I bought for him/her.

I think you can let your feelings be known and educate your children to be responsible and trust them...all that, but not let them have a BF/GF sleep over. You can't be too careful with your kids. You can love them and trust them, and not test it as a way to prove it...Fat lotta good it will do when them come to you with an unplanned pregnancy (or STD) and you can say what? I trusted you not to have sex when I let your BF/GF sleep over? KWIM?

I know the devils there, and I don't need to invite him to dinner to prove I won't be tempted.

[binkybear]

Back when I was a kid.....(sounds like I'm in a rocker, huh?! )...I'm mid 30's.

We would have tent sleepovers all summer. We were probably ranging in age from 10-14, boys and girls, brothers, sisters, best friends, it was a neighborhood thing. Each kid had their own tent or shared it with their sibling or bff. Of course our idea of roughing it was having all of our tents up close to the house with extension cords powering radios, mini tvs and games! Being a tomboy I would stay at friends houses all the time, even at 15, 16, 17. The idea of staying up all night, eating all night, while playing video games or watcing movies was pretty much about it. There was no sleeping of any kind. It was totally innocent and I don't think any of the parents batted an eyelash over it. Granted we were innocent and not being force fed sex 24/7 (bigger parenting issue today...why give a hoot about a sleep over if your daughters thong is hanging out of her low rise for all to see in daylight? yah know) Plus things aren't like that anymore, neighbors arent' like that anymore and too many parents don't even know their kids friends let alone the parents.

It would depend on the kids, but I wouldn't slam my foot down and say no without all the factors first.


(what's being "shamed"?? is that a punishment of some kind???)

[Mommy24]

As a parent to 2 teens, one girl and one boy, I can tell you this will NEVER happen in my house. I am not of the mentality that if you "allow" it then they won't do it. If they are going to do it, they will find a way.period. But IMO, allowing it says that you are o.k. with it and I am not ok with it.

I believe in prevention. We have discussed birth control, if my daughter decides to have sex and I take her to the doctor to get B.C. it does not mean that I would be ok with her having sex. However I would do it to try and help prevent an unplanned pregnancy, so on this topic, to try and prevent it means they wouldn't be allowed to stay overnight together.

Personally, my kids wouldn't even bother to ask. They know the answer already and they know this because it is something we have discussed, in depth.

I try not to be to strict, I give them just enough freedom to grow and make decisions based on the way I have parented them. Choices I made earlier in my life are a result of a mother who would not allow me to breathe on my own.

I could talk forever on the mistakes I see being made with our teens of today, but that is my 2cents, FWIW, on this topic.

[SuzBerg]

It's not the "norm" here - I have a 17 year old and I have never heard of Boy/Girl Sleepovers. Most of my friends won't let their kids sleepover at anyone's house (for the same reasons 2manyK's stated). So NO my teens will not be attending even if "everyone else is doing it".

[mommmmy]

It's not the norm. I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old (as well as my younger kids). NOPE NOPE NOPE

[alkm]

My parents used to let me sleep over with friends of either gender and let pretty much anyone sleep over here. Her reasoning was that if I was home, she could know where i was AND make sure I was "safe." When I told her I thought I might consider sex, she got me on birth control and provided instruction on condom usage. They decided that was the safer path because they knew where I was. If they didn't let my friends sleep over or me sleep over, I would sneak out to their houses or they would sneak in. That way, all parents involved knew where the kids were. By the time I was 16, I didn't care if I got in trouble for sneaking out or how annoyed mom was when she found out that a friend had crawled in through my window. We're planning to give our daughter the same freedom because I'd rather KNOW where she is and that she's safe than have her sneaking off to who knows where and afraid to call if she gets into something she can't handle because she's somewhere she shouldn't be.

ETA: I got pregnant when I wanted to get pregnant, after I got married. There was a divorce later but that's besides the point.

[ourdreamcametru]

No, I do not think this is the norm nor would we allow it to happen! The only time we have had boy/girl sleepovers at our house is prom night. Our oldest son is now 18 but for both his Jr. and Sr. proms we let him invite his girlfriend and three other couples back to our house afterwards. My Mom and his girlfriend's Mom both came over and we cooked a huge breakfast at 2:00 am when they arrived and watched a movie. The girls slept in the office with the three "Moms" and the boys slept in our Son's room with DH.