[gottahavehope]

Link removed due to non family friendly language



I'm interested in what you think.

[starryeyes]

I posted a comment on her blog. I don't think being honst about what she could handle makes her a racist. If you're adopting transracially, you have to be well prepared to handle all of the issues that come up.

I had a son with special needs that died, and I felt guilty that when I adopted, I was adamant that I could not take a special needs child. I think it's important to know what you can deal with (sometimes you are handed more that you can't predict, of course) and move ahead.

I definitely don't think she's a racist because of not choosing to adopt the African-American child, though.

[Fran27]

I commented too... harsh, though, I know. It's IMO not racist because it's exactly the reasons why we were not open to another race.

But deciding that after being matched is rubbing me the wrong way. Poor birthmom.

[binkybear]

Racist? Doesn't seem to be the issue. Maybe more about not truly asking yourselves and then reflecting on all of the deep questions before the giddy, nervous, exciting rush took over the thoughts of finally being parents. Hearing it from your lawyer and saying yes all in one meeting didn't seem to allow for your deeper thoughts and concerns to occur and then be discussed.

Sounds like you could have handled all of the negatives that our society doles out, but didn't want to in the end. Is that racist, no. You weren't going out of your way to inflict harm, damage, ill will, intolerance, etc. It sounds more like just not being as honest with yourselves up front. It happens. Can't criticize you within the guides of the adoption process when there are emoms who match, decide to parent and then decide again to place after deeper thought or actually parenting. As basic good people we all want to think we can handle everything, but sometimes we just can't.

We're pretty much in the same geographic and cultural boat so I very much understand all of the legitimate concerns. If you weren't ready, you weren't ready. In the end it's better that a child be raised by those who truly know themselves in the parenting role.

[Linny]

I'm not sure it's racism. I've said this before...here and on other sites: I'd much rather a couple/single person was honest with themselves and NOT raise a child they didn't feel completely comfortable with. It's not fair to the child, period.

As far as this person changing her mind......we've not been there, but I can understand. ---Don't think we'd ever do that---but hey......we're both CC and we won't take a CC baby. Maybe THAT makes us racist? Maybe.......

But I know we're not the best couple to parent a CC baby; and if someone else feels the same about parenting a baby of color, good for them. They know where they stand---as dh and I do.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Sohmakun]

As an AA woman, I see nothing racist for a CC couple to only request a CC child. Although I do not agree with them being open to AA and then changing their mind at the last mintute but who am I to judge? I also don't see it as racist for a CC parent to only consider an AA child or a AA parent only to consider CC child. Infact, CC children with medical needs are less likely to be adopted too. Take a look at these parent profiles for proof:

Couples open to AA: 54
Couples open to AA/CC: 86
Couples open to blindness: 26
Couples open to deafness: 33
Couple open to emotional/mental health disorders: 62
Couples open to a non-correctable special needs (such as a limb difference) 20
Couples open to mild alcohol exposure: 46

[Jensboys]

I wouldn't say it makes the author RACIST, but I would say its an example of RACISM. Even if not her own, the racism of society, of her community, of her support system. So much so that she decided to take the "easier" route.

So maybe its an example of parental laziness?

Parenting transracially is HARDER. It takes more work. More sacrifices. More knowledge. More information. More support.

It requires a parent to be willing to work harder, be bigger, grow, learn and expand their horizons.

It requires parents to not be invisible. To be willing to be judged by more than one community of people.

Transracial parenting is harder.

And it should be made VERY clear that when white parents choose NOT to - it has to do with THEIR OWN short comings and inabilities or unwillingness to grow/work/move/learn expand and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the value of the child.

Black children (or other minority children) are JUST as worthy, precious, and deserving of capable parents as white kids, and how much better for the child if they avoid getting parents that aren't willing to do the work for them.

So in this case, if this mom wasn't willing to do the WORK involved in parenting transracially, that doesn't necessarily mean she was racist, she just realizes that dealing with RACISM is alot of work, and she isn't up for the challenge. Better to be honest about that, even if I strongly disagree with her.

Because to me, the pay out is worth ten thousand times over any cost to me.

Jen

[Fran27]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

I wouldn't say it makes the author RACIST, but I would say its an example of RACISM. Even if not her own, the racism of society, of her community, of her support system. So much so that she decided to take the "easier" route.

So maybe its an example of parental laziness?

Parenting transracially is HARDER. It takes more work. More sacrifices. More knowledge. More information. More support.

It requires a parent to be willing to work harder, be bigger, grow, learn and expand their horizons.

It requires parents to not be invisible. To be willing to be judged by more than one community of people.

Transracial parenting is harder.

And it should be made VERY clear that when white parents choose NOT to - it has to do with THEIR OWN short comings and inabilities or unwillingness to grow/work/move/learn expand and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the value of the child.

Black children (or other minority children) are JUST as worthy, precious, and deserving of capable parents as white kids, and how much better for the child if they avoid getting parents that aren't willing to do the work for them.

So in this case, if this mom wasn't willing to do the WORK involved in parenting transracially, that doesn't necessarily mean she was racist, she just realizes that dealing with RACISM is alot of work, and she isn't up for the challenge. Better to be honest about that, even if I strongly disagree with her.

Because to me, the pay out is worth ten thousand times over any cost to me.

Jen

Ok... I'm very offended by this. Who are you to judge????

Everyone can't afford to move. Everyone doesn't want to deal with the 'challenge' of having people ask you all the time if your child is your child. Everyone isn't ok with having a family that might not accept their child.

It has nothing with the value of the child, that's sure. It has to do with making a child happy. And in some cases the parents know that a child of another race would not be as happy... Do you even care about that? I'd think it's less selfish to really care about a child happiness than do something that might make a child unhappy just to seem 'not lazy'.

Unbelievable.

[mdesi]

I see this whole concept as on the continuum. Some people welcome the challenge to adopt transracially, and reap a different set of rewards for their parenting. Others are just interested in building a family, and this is the first time that they had even considered transracial adoption. Some people are racists, and there is no getting around that. However, to paint all people that chose not to adopt outside of their race as racist is basing that judgement on very little evidence.

I most certainly would never say that ANY parent is LAZY. It's one of the hardest jobs anyone can ever do. I think when we try to politicize parenting choices - no matter whether it is transracial adoption, breast feeding, stay at home vs. working parents, we just do more damage to all parties than we do for enlightenment purposes.

ETA: Personally, I would not have been matched with the first baby if I even had a smidgen of a doubt that we were up to the task of transracial adoption b/c we would not be in that pool of profiles. BTW- It takes a whole lot more than an open mind to adopt transracially. I would not have matched at 8 weeks with any expectant mother, either.

[Jensboys]

Everyone can't afford to move. Everyone doesn't want to deal with the 'challenge' of having people ask you all the time if your child is your child. Everyone isn't ok with having a family that might not accept their child.

But again those are parental choices. Parenting THAT child isn't WORTH moving to the potential parent. Parenting THAT child isn't worth the risk of losing family relationships. Parenting THAT child isnt worth the discomfort of being asked if you adopted your child.

The parent is making a decision that the cost TO THE PARENT is too high. THOSE points have NOTHING to do with the well being of the child, although those things do make it easier -- its about the potential parents deciding what cost they personally are willing to pay.

It has nothing with the value of the child, that's sure. It has to do with making a child happy. And in some cases the parents know that a child of another race would not be as happy... Do you even care about that? I'd think it's less selfish to really care about a child happiness than do something that might make a child unhappy just to seem 'not lazy'.

Unhappy? Well I guess I disagree that children being parented by transracial parents have to be unhappy -- I am saying its VERY possible for kids to be VERY "happy" with transracial adoptive parents - but that it takes alot of WORK. By the PARENTS, and yes, a willingness to see the cost to the child and a willingness to do ANYTHING to mitigate that.

I just think that when parents of any race choose NOT to parent a child of another race (whether thats black & white, or white and Asian, or Asian and black etc etc etc) that the PARENTS be very clear its because THEY aren't willing to do what it takes to make it work. Not that the child is any less deserving, worthy, valuable, precious or beautiful.

Because it CAN work. But it takes WORK. And effort.

Using euphamisms that its "cultural" or "community" or "racism in our area" or "family discomfort" is a bunch of blame shifting (and I dont think this blog poster did ANY of that - she was very clear that she wanted life to be easier for her, and I TOTALLY get that) away from the fact that some potential adoptive parents dont want to make a transracial placement work.

That's ok -- but people should be willing to take it on personally.

"I am not willing to move"

"I am not willing to risk my relationship with my parents"

"I do not know enough about the African American community and am not comfortable reaching out more"

"I have very few friends, and dont know how to make more, with people who are visible minorities".

"I want a child that looks like me so I dont have to answer questions when I go out"

"I dont want strangers to know I adopted my child"


I think a racist decision would be someone saying that they didnt want to adopt a black/biracial child because someone might "think they slept with a black guy" or because "Those people are *** insert whatever term you want"

Deciding not to parent transracially for other reasons is basically because transracial parenting is harder. And some people are NOT up for the work involved.

[mom2zachy]

I don't think it makes them racist....I'm not so sure it's an example of racism, either. I think it's someone saying, "I'm more comfortable with this". I agree that there wasn't a lot of deep reflection, issue-recognizing, discussion and evaluation going on, but not everyone is analytic or introspective.

What I would probably take more issue with is the backing out of a match they had already committed to. I, personally, would probably not do that. Yet, in the long run, far better to back out than to raise a child with the constant "what if I didn't have to deal with race" in the back of your mind.....

[SupaModel]

These threads always turn into who's better than who. I'm soooo over it.

[Vogi2002]

I understand where jenns is coming from. I hear many people talk about transracial adoption and about how they "can't" do it or what not. I do agree that many people don't adopt transracially because it will be "harder".

I would be HIGHLY offended if the baby she chose was hispanic & asian instead of the same racial makeup as her own. THAT really gets to me. BUT I do think it was ridiculous of them to accept a match, then turn around & accept another. Rude is more like it, and it wasn't fair of them to play on a bmom's emotions like that. Adoption is more to it than that, and the decisions we make effect many people. To accept a match because the baby is the same skin color as you, thus "Better" in any way tells me that they DO care about skin color, unlike what they said at the beginning of thier process. They should have said EASIER because that all it is.

So...racism? No. It saddens me, but no. Rude? Yes, if I was thier lawyer / agency I would probably drop them as clients if they did this. BUT my agency also educated us enough to realize what a big decision accepting a match will be.

[Vogi2002]

Oh yeah...and I wouldn't adopt a CC child now because...well it would be harder (IMO) because I would have to be sure one child doesn't feel less than the other, etc etc.

So being "selfish" every now and then is OK...and we CAN admit it & it's okay!!!

[Fran27]

Originally Posted by SupaModel

These threads always turn into who's better than who. I'm soooo over it.

Smart girl

I'm getting tired of having to explain my situation to narrow-minded people...