[KarynB]

Ok - I am going to completely hijack this thread for a second - VOGI!!!!! Did you say you are parenting TWO AA kids???? Um, thought you could sneak this one by, eh? Details, girl, details...

And for those posting with the comment about how you aren't going to post anymore...I don't get it.

[Vogi2002]

Karyn - LOL I'll PM you....

I too don't understand. This thread is very respectful, and most people here have been very respectful. This is such an important subject in the adoption world. With about 98% of all aparents (opinion. no stats to back it up LOL) not open to the AA race I think it's important to talk about why that is.

[Fran27]

Originally Posted by mommmmy

And sorry but I think most places do a HORRID job on preparing people for transracial adoption. Our social workers and the agency we dealt with out of state did much more than most, we did much more than most on our own as well....it still doesn't prepare you.

It's one of my pet peeves... Most agencies advertise AA adoptions as 'faster' and 'easier', and that's how you end up with situations like the one on the blog... I'm sure with more education, lots of families would realize that it's not for them, and lots would realize that they could actually do it...

For people who don't understand why some people (me included) don't really care for posting on such discussions anymore... It's because you might find it respectful, but it really isn't. For people who were not open to other races, it's just insult after insult, whether it's that it's 'a form of racism' to being lazy parents and whatnot.

The point is, nobody can judge a situation until they've been in it. Maybe for most of you adopting transracially wasn't half the challenge it would be for other people... how would you know? For people who can't afford to move, don't live in a diverse area, and have family that might not be open minded on transracial adoption, it is a BIG challenge. Everyone can't 'just move'. Bio parents don't have to, so why should we? And a lot of people don't want to risk their child's happiness by 'challenging themselves' or whatever you guys called it. If I'm going to challenge myself, I won't put an innocent child in the middle of it.

So, that's my point really. Most people think that, because they adopted transracially, people who don't are somehow inferior to them (you might deny it, but it sure is the message I'm getting from all those posts). I don't call that respectful. What's funny is that most of the people who posted here are the same ones who posted in my controversial thread a month ago, telling me that nobody's to judge what other people are doing, because they're doing what's right for their families.

Let me just say... follow your own advice.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by Fran27

It's one of my pet peeves... Most agencies advertise AA adoptions as 'faster' and 'easier', and that's how you end up with situations like the one on the blog... I'm sure with more education, lots of families would realize that it's not for them, and lots would realize that they could actually do it...

For people who don't understand why some people (me included) don't really care for posting on such discussions anymore... It's because you might find it respectful, but it really isn't. For people who were not open to other races, it's just insult after insult, whether it's that it's 'a form of racism' to being lazy parents and whatnot.

The point is, nobody can judge a situation until they've been in it. Maybe for most of you adopting transracially wasn't half the challenge it would be for other people... how would you know? For people who can't afford to move, don't live in a diverse area, and have family that might not be open minded on transracial adoption, it is a BIG challenge. Everyone can't 'just move'. Bio parents don't have to, so why should we? And a lot of people don't want to risk their child's happiness by 'challenging themselves' or whatever you guys called it. If I'm going to challenge myself, I won't put an innocent child in the middle of it.

So, that's my point really. Most people think that, because they adopted transracially, people who don't are somehow inferior to them (you might deny it, but it sure is the message I'm getting from all those posts). I don't call that respectful. What's funny is that most of the people who posted here are the same ones who posted in my controversial thread a month ago, telling me that nobody's to judge what other people are doing, because they're doing what's right for their families.

Let me just say... follow your own advice.

I had a whole long reply to you, but deleted it.

I'm keeping this conversation respectful without pointing fingers which means I will not reply to this specifically.

[feelingreyt]

I would like to point out, again, that after the couple in blog met the 2nd bmom there was an instant connection. The author said "like she was my sister". I'm aware that the race of the baby played a part in it, but who knows, maybe she didn't "click" with the first bmom and would have ended the match regardless of race. People are allowed to change their minds. Bmom's do it all the time. We, as humans, do it all the time.
I'm just glad that they realized their mistake before the baby was placed with them. I'm sure the baby has already, or will, make a very lucky couple, proud and happy parents!

[binkybear]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

And it should be made VERY clear that when white parents choose NOT to - it has to do with THEIR OWN short comings and inabilities or unwillingness to grow/work/move/learn expand and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the value of the child.

Black children (or other minority children) are JUST as worthy, precious, and deserving of capable parents as white kids, and how much better for the child if they avoid getting parents that aren't willing to do the work for them.

Statements like this above are the ones that make those not pursuing transracial adoptions become "concerned, defensive, offended, confused, etc". It's a very strong "clear" statement of personal conviction and personal opinion. It reads with all of the boldness of fact, but in all it's conviction and personal strength it is not fact. It is not why all white people decide not to adopt transracially.

Every single child of this world is valuable. I agree.

Every single child deserves parents who are committed to their needs. I agree.

Every single white person who does not or will not adopt transracially is (whether consciously or subconsciously??) unwilling or unable to grow, work, relocate, learn, or expand as a human being. I disagree.

Why do I disagree? Because this statement paints a broad brush stroke that is in and of itself bordering on..dare I say it.... on sounding racist. Wait! How can it be racist, The author is white?! It's bordering on racism, imo, because you've taken an entire race and squished them all into one category, one definition, one version that doesn't allow for any explanation other than the rather harsh and/or negative one described above.

If you want to acknowledge and share all you personally have done, experienced, learned, etc as a parent I'm all ears and all for the advice-learning opportunity. (I'll remain active in a thread) I can not lend my ear, support, or participate if you're going to make me out to be less of a person because I and others are not at the same as you. We can commend persons for all of their life's choices but can we also not condemn others for their life's path?

[Vogi2002]

binkybear - I do agree, while I also agree with that statement I would like for it to be known that there ARE people out there who solely do not adopt outside thier race because it would not be fair for the child. The problem is the millions of people that use that excuse for thier own personal shortcomings that make the others look bad.

I do however want to point out that many of times, if you feel like there are too many roadblocks, it IS because you are unwilling to make the changes neccessary. That isn't a totally negative statement, as we were also unwilling to accept a fully special needs child because of the changes needed (me staying at home full time mostly) but also because knowing the struggles it takes to raise a child with special needs, from my sister (and the beauties), I am selfishly unwilling to commit myself like that. ((now I love my sister and she has been more of a gift to our family than anything.))

But I'm willing to admit that. I think it pains many people who HAVE to check that box because they know they would love to adopt outside thier race, but it would not be a good situation for a child and can't move, etc (with my parents owning a small business I get this).

I just hate how some people use this excuse but in reality it is because they simply do not want a black child. (I don't assume this about people, you can tell by how they talk, what they say, things they say, etc).

[SupaModel]

I got a interesting question. If your an AA couple who only adopts AA baby. Are you consider racist?

[Vogi2002]

I don't think anyone here has said that choosing a child of your race makes you racist.

And if there was a need for CC children and families open to them, I would be saying the same thing to the AA families in the same way.

[Fran27]

I believe that people know which 'roadblocks' they can do something about, and which they can't. Obviously if someone gives you 10 reasons why they don't want to adopt a child of another race, well, there's probably a couple that they could do something about. But for some things like neighborhood/family, those are harder ones...

I'd just like to add too that what may not seem a big roadblock for someone may be one for someone else... because we're all different. For a very active family, living in a white neighborhood would probably not be a problem, as they'd meet lots of other people... For a not very active family, if they don't have a lot of social activities, they would have to change their lifestyle completely. It might sound like laziness to some, I just don't believe that anyone should have to change what they are to adopt.

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

I don't think anyone here has said that choosing a child of your race makes you racist.

And if there was a need for CC children and families open to them, I would be saying the same thing to the AA families in the same way.

Maybe I am misunderstanding then. Are you saying that anyone who isn't open to race is racist?

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by SupaModel

Maybe I am misunderstanding then. Are you saying that anyone who isn't open to race is racist?

When did I say that? What are you referring to?

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

When did I say that? What are you referring to?

Ohh ok. It was definitely a misunderstanding on my part. Thanks!

[blessedbybug]

I've stayed pretty much out of this conversation...okay not pretty much...I've stayed out of it until now. Since the conversations seems to have gotten so far off the OP's question, I just wanted to add this...

what I have learned from having conversations about the choices we make about our families, especially as it has to do with adoption...

if there seems to be a need to always defend a choice and position, when it is fully in your right to make that choice and have the position you have made... and if you've made your decision thoughtfully and your conscience is clear about it...

if the need to defend it rather than just state your position and move on, and maybe come back to clarify from time to time instead of constantly needing to restate... if the need to defend is there, maybe it's time to find a way to

1) decide to be secure in the decision and not always feel like you have to have the last word or talk about being offended when someone writes their position which may just different from another, as a possible way of seeing things. You know, state it and move on.

...or...

2) do some soul searching to see why hearing someone speak of their differing position is such a hard thing to do. And maybe stay silent and listen to see if there might be something to learn from the other person. At least for a little while.

I say this honestly, more as a reminder to myself, as this is what I'm trying to do. Wouldn't this aid in making these conversations more helpful rather than hurtful to ALL sides? Just wondering...

As for the OP, well, I don't agree with what the gal in the story did. But that's JMO. And in the end, regardless of what I feel about her decision, I hope that the child found the family he/she needed.

[KarynB]

Fran - I think my point up there was that you are on a transracial forum/discussion posting about how these discussions make you mad due to insults and you aren't going to post anymore - so why not just stop reading them and not post? I don't understanding posting just to say you aren't posting. And your point stating "bio parents don't have to so why should we?" - wow, not even going to go there.

I don't think anyone on here has said anyone who isn't open to race is racist. I think the point is that black children (especially black male children) are often at the bottom of the barrel, so to speak. It costs less to adopt them (whether it is international or domestic) and right there that says how we as a society value them. In terms of children being available from the US to other countries - guess which race/sex gets adopted internationally? Yup, you guessed it, mostly black males. As a mother to two black, African boys myself, it is hard to even express how much this hurts and tears me up inside - to know how much the rest of the world devalues their existence. Can you even begin to imagine how a mother feels to realize this?

Many people choose not to adopt transracially for the "right" reasons - can't commit to living in a diverse area, don't want to be a "visible" family their whole lives, have close family members who might treat the child badly, etc. Sadly, many choose not to adopt transracially because they ARE racist. Of course, not many of them are willing to own up to or admit they hold attitudes, stereotypes, etc that they aren't willing to change.

It happens the other way around too - check out the posts by Committedsoul who is close to losing one of her boys because she is black and he is white and the worker doesn't agree with that. That is just sick, in my opinion.

Binkybear - I think maybe the point was that if you aren't willing to take on the challenges to parents transracially then you aren't willing to learn/grow/challenge yourself in this way. Does that make you a bad person? Not at all. As Vogi said, we also were not open to certain special needs - such as down's syndrome, FASD, etc. In that way we limited ourselves and won't get the opportunity to learn about these special kids - but we just didn't feel we had the resources to provide for kids with high special needs. We did however, have the resources and knowledge to parents transracially, and were willing to do the work and learn what we needed to learn. And we are still learning - it is a lifelong process.

But, on that note I also think maybe some who are defensive about this issue are maybe not 100% comfortable with their decision. And that is a good thing - it means you are looking at why you feel this way and are working to change it or accept it. I am 100% ok with the fact we were not open to FASD for example. But I question why we were not ok with things such as HIV - and challenging myself on stereotypes or beliefs is one more step for my own personal growth.