[SuzBerg]

Per Admin, this thread is open for discussion. Please remember to be respectful in your replies and disagreements. If you cannot adhere to these rules, your participation from the thread will be removed.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by mdesi

Really unpopular opinion alert!!!

We are choosing to adopt as a means to the ends of building our family. Honestly, I did not sign up for this ride to make any political statements or to change the world or to change my community. I do those things through voting and my career choice. We are choosing to adopt to be parents, which by all accounts seems to involve a lot of personal growth in and of itself.

This is not meant to disparage anyone who is more higher minded about this than I am, but to point out that there is room at the adoption table for all w/o judgments.

Again, I think the woman in the blog did not think through her decisions for her own levels of openness before she made this decision. I think she heard "1-3 months and you could have a baby," and let that impact her initial decision. She should never have been presented to that expectant mother in the first place, and there was her error in all of this.

ETA: We are not adopting as a means for social justice.

I will try to be as respectful as I can, especially because I would like to keep this conversation going that way.

I am parents to two beautiful full African American Children, we are Caucasian. I did NOT adopt my children as some social experiment nor justice. Adopting outside your race is just that. It doesn't mean you are conquering the world. I just realized that skin color mattered just about as much as hair color did to us. I also know many parents of Hispanic, Asian, etc children that also feel they didn't adopt to change the world. We too just wanted to become a family, just as you did.

I think when everyone adopts a child, wether in or out of thier race, it is because they want to create a family - no?

[Jensboys]

I also didnt adopt transracially to save the world -- I adopted transracially because I wanted to be a mom, and I figured that I could do the work it took to be a good transracial adoptive mom happily.

BUT at the same time, I also chose not to adopt children with diagnosed FAS or who acted out sexually. It was a conscious decision - I knew I didnt have the skills, and was unable/unwilling to make the life adjustments necessary to be a GOOD parent to a child with either FAS or who acted out sexually (plus I had another child in the home I had to take into account).

It wasn't based on the fact that I felt a FAS child or a previously sexually abused child was less deserving of a home, it was simply the fact that I KNEW I would NOT be the BEST mom for a child with that particular set of needs. I realize that it was about my OWN choices, my own short comings - my own lacks as a person & mother.

Does that mean I am prejudiced against children with special needs? No. It means I realize my own laziness/lacks in being able to parent a child with FAS. I look at moms with kids who sexually act out or parents of kids with FAS and am in AWE. Their job is TOUGH and I know it would wear me out completely and I would be a crappy mom.

In this case, this white mom made the "easier" decision to adopt a white baby rather than a black baby. LOTS of people do that. I think they are missing out of an amazing life, an amazing journey and I think its sad because my life and my choices have made me so happy.

BUT I fully realize I may argue that her life would be enriched beyond belief if she had made a different choice, in the same way that a mom of a child with FAS could look me in the eyes and honestly and with full sincerity, tell me I dont have a clue what joys I am missing out on and the costs are completely worth it. And she might think I am nuts in the same way that I might think a mom of a child with FAS who loves her parenting life is nuts (or at least a lot stronger than me).

This mom made her choice, as I made mine and everyone here made theirs, and we live with them. And the consequences of them.

[Vogi2002]

Jens - fully agree on this one. Great point of view also!

[finallyamom0310]

I am just reading this thread and I felt like interjecting a small thought. We all had to fill out profile paperwork and let our agencies or private avenues know what we were willing to accept in terms of drug use, medical history, etc. Why is it that because a person voices their thoughts on a blog that they are flamed because they also specified race. The start of the adoption process is trying in of itself. We have to put our entire lives out there and make sure that we put all the right information out there. Seems to me that the match was fairly quick for this person, they didn't have much time to think, then when matched determined they just didn't feel comfortable about it. Would they be flamed for backing out because the situation started to become more open or closed than what they were comforatable with? Why is it when they back out because of race it is a problem.

We are adults and although we choose adoption as the means to expand our family isn't the whole thing after the decision is made about the child? If it is about the child, why would you adopt a child that you were not quite right for and knew it? Isn't it best for the child to be in a home where their parents can handle their lives in a manner best for the child?

Just my $.02 worth.

[feelingreyt]

finally,
I could not agree more!

[Vogi2002]

First off - the only reason some of us are saying anything is because the question was asked.


Secondly - I have a problem with the fact that they ONLY started to question it when another bmom came along with a (white?) baby. I do believe everyone here has said it is not racist of her...we are just expressing our personal thoughts because they were asked, as parents with children that she would have turned down solely because of thier skin tone, that can be a little harsh. KWIM?

I actually think the tone of this thread hasn't been that terribly harsh compared to some....I apologize if I have offended anyone personally, I am speaking not directly but in my personal opinions only.

[Saya]

Originally Posted by finallyamom0310

I am just reading this thread and I felt like interjecting a small thought. We all had to fill out profile paperwork and let our agencies or private avenues know what we were willing to accept in terms of drug use, medical history, etc. Why is it that because a person voices their thoughts on a blog that they are flamed because they also specified race. The start of the adoption process is trying in of itself. We have to put our entire lives out there and make sure that we put all the right information out there. Seems to me that the match was fairly quick for this person, they didn't have much time to think, then when matched determined they just didn't feel comfortable about it. Would they be flamed for backing out because the situation started to become more open or closed than what they were comforatable with? Why is it when they back out because of race it is a problem.

We are adults and although we choose adoption as the means to expand our family isn't the whole thing after the decision is made about the child? If it is about the child, why would you adopt a child that you were not quite right for and knew it? Isn't it best for the child to be in a home where their parents can handle their lives in a manner best for the child?

Just my $.02 worth.

For me, the problem here is not that someone specified race - it's that they did NOT and they SHOULD HAVE.

I don't think it's racist to not want to be a transracial family. I don't have a problem with someone wanting to adopt within own racial group. I think if someone is not prepared to parent a child of different race, well then they shouldn't do it.

The thing in the blog that I fine troubling and irresponsible, is that this person didn't think through these issues when they should have - BEFORE they were ready to be matched.

When you tell your lawyer/agency YES I am prepared to be matched with/be the parent of a child of African-American/Hispanic/Asian/Whatever descent, you are NOT saying "unless a kid that looks like me comes along - then I'll change my mind." That's basically what this blogger did, as far as I can tell. Yes - transracial adoption comes with all the challenges she writes about - being a conspicious family, fearing the responses of other, concerns about racism, etc. etc. She should have thought all of that through before she ever agreed to be shown to an African-American couple. To me, the way she did this seems very disrespectful to the AA potential birth parents she had been matched with, and to their baby - and I hope that child found a good home, whether with his biological parents, or with a-parents who weren't so myopic.

[mom2zachy]

We all bring our own experiences and circumstances into adoption. Each experience, each circumstance, will affect our adoption profoundly. And so, each adoption will be different and, ultimately, it's up to only the people involved to decide what is "best" for that time and place.

If I have an opinion, I hope I'm safe to express it. If I'm challenged, I hope I'm open enough to consider it (although this hasn't always been the case, I'm afraid ).

Where it becomes a problem (and this is just my opnion, nobody is obliged to agree of course ) is when someone says they're "challenging" an opinion when, in fact, what's happening is they are trying to CHANGE an opinion. They are two different things. When we challenge someone's thinking, we throw out a new idea, then step back and let the other person work it out....or not. When we try to change someone else's opinion, we point out all the reasons why we're right adn they're wrong, we aren't satisfied until the person says "okay, you're right, I'm wrong and I'll change what I'm doing". ONe enhances dialogue and one stops it.

(BTW, this is so not a finger point, just a reflection based on some unfortunate experiences I've had out there. )

'kay, just my .02. thanks for reading it

ETA: I totally agree that this post isn't particularly harsh. I think it's actually been a good job at keeping respectful what's a hot button for a lot of people.....

[Vogi2002]

Jillian - I totally agree.

[Cjmeck]

I haven't read all the posts in this thread but I imagine its a pretty heated discussion; just b/c we've all btdt with similiar discussions and it never ends well. I'll just say that no, I do not think the person is a racist to not adopt an AA child. I do however think she and her husband made a bad decision by not taking more time to consider what it really means to be a transracial family. I think it was horrible that her relevation came after she was matched with an AA baby. But, I'm glad they had the relevation BEFORE placement. Being a transracial parent is HARDER; and everything she said in her blog is true. I can say its harder because until 7.5 months ago, I was not a transracial parent; I was only parenting a same race child. My life has dramatically changed in clearly wonderful ways, but there are also days when I find it challenging. I don't fault those who do not make the decision to be a transracial family. Dh and I made the decision because we were willing to take on certain challenges, we were willing to change our life if needed and we felt assertive enough, well-rounded enough, outspoken enough, we always take the road less traveled. We have lived in foreign countries, we as CCs have been the minority; we felt prepared. And yet, no matter how "prepared" we were; we still face challenges almost daily and our daughter is only 7.5 months old. So I actually commend those who have chosen to adopt a same race child; because in some families and in some areas of the country; it may actually be in the child's best interest. No, being color-blind does not do the child any favors. Because as the writer of the blog says, the world is not color-blind. I knew that when we decided to adopt transracially; but its hard to see it face to face.

[aclee]

Agree with Jillian. It seems like the poster was super excited to be a parent to an AA child, maybe because it was "fastest" then when they were offered a CC child, they were like, Oh, well if we can have our cake and eat it too...we'll do that...and we have all these reasons why we shouldn't parent an AA child (as if to back up that disrupting the match was ok) That's what upsets me. If she really felt strongly about this, she would have disrupted or not accepted the match BEFORE she figured out she had the option of also parenting (QUICKLY) a CC child. That's what was upsetting to me. The match was clearly good enough to accept when it was her only option, but she dropped it like a hot potato when offered a match with a CC child. She didn't even really act like she cared about disrupting the match with the AA emom, because she had all these "valid" reasons that told her it was ok. Do I know that's exactly what happened, no, but that's the impression I got, and that's why it upset me. I'm actually very thankful the CC situation came along. If being the mother in a transracial adoption wasn't what was in her heart, through and through, thank GOD that child wasn't born into that family.

To put this another way...if you all were matched with a CC baby boy, and and boy/girl twins were offered as a match to you, would you disrupt and accept it? NO child or emom should be treated like this... I can't tell you how many disrupted situations we applied for during our wait. Situations where families had been matched for months, but had a shot at a born baby, so dumped the emom and took the sure thing. A few times it was only a couple weeks from her due date. I just think people should be more careful when they accept matches. Some people will match and if it's a ways out, continue searching for another "sooner" match. It's upsetting that emom's are treated with no respect like they are only a shell for a commodity.

[Vogi2002]

Aclee- 100% agree.

[mommmmy]

I would agree with many points brought up here.

Just something to think about...we all want to support birth parents in making their choices when the time comes. We don't even like to use the phrase "changed their minds" if they had been matched with a family prior to the signing. But basically we all talk about how they should be empowered to make their choices as they see fit - even if that were to mean changing aparents at the last minute that they felt were a better match. Why are potential adoptive parents not given the same supports in making their choices?

I don't know the story here. I am a transracial adoptive parent (it's so funny to say that!) And I certainly do not agree with much of what is reported as being done here. However, I do not EVER wish to see a child in a family where they are not truly wanted for ANY reason.

And sorry but I think most places do a HORRID job on preparing people for transracial adoption. Our social workers and the agency we dealt with out of state did much more than most, we did much more than most on our own as well....it still doesn't prepare you. It is different, it is more, all of that is very true. It's one of the best things I have done in my life for so very many reasons. But I certainly do not recommend that everyone do it.

[Cjmeck]

Originally Posted by mommmmy

And sorry but I think most places do a HORRID job on preparing people for transracial adoption. Our social workers and the agency we dealt with out of state did much more than most, we did much more than most on our own as well....it still doesn't prepare you. It is different, it is more, all of that is very true. It's one of the best things I have done in my life for so very many reasons. But I certainly do not recommend that everyone do it.

Exactly! I completely agree 100%.