[starryeyes]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

ITo accept a match because the baby is the same skin color as you, thus "Better" in any way tells me that they DO care about skin color, unlike what they said at the beginning of thier process.

I see where you're coming from, but all parents who decide to adopt a child of their own skin color don't necessarily think their own skin color is "better". Sometimes it's more about being able to provide a positive role model of the same ethnic background for the child, or not wanting the child to be the only child of color in a white family (or the other way around). The parent or parents definitely have to be prepared for the looks, stares and questions that usually ensue (in front of the child) when one of the children looks different than the parents.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by starryeyes

I see where you're coming from, but all parents who decide to adopt a child of their own skin color don't necessarily think their own skin color is "better". Sometimes it's more about being able to provide a positive role model of the same ethnic background for the child, or not wanting the child to be the only child of color in a white family (or the other way around). The parent or parents definitely have to be prepared for the looks, stares and questions that usually ensue (in front of the child) when one of the children looks different than the parents.

No I agree, I was speaking specifically on that situation. If you agree to a match in the first place, then take another match, that is clearly more risky with 7 months difference, only because of skin color? That is rude & does say one child is "Better".

I agree that they have to be prepared...but they ONLY questioned thier match when another "same race" baby came along. That is a red flag to me.

I'm just glad they didn't adopt transracially, they obvioulsy were no where near prepared to.

[binkybear]

Originally Posted by SupaModel

These threads always turn into who's better than who. I'm soooo over it.

I hear yah


This is something from one of my favorite speakers:

Not being offended will mean eliminating all variations of the following sentence from your repertoire of available thoughts: "If only you were more like me, then I wouldn't have to be upset right now." You are the way you are, and so are those around you. Most likely they will never be just like you. So stop expecting those who are different to be what you think they should be. It's never going to happen.

It's your ego that demands that the world and all the people in it be as you think they should be.

Smart man. I responded to the OP, so this is it for me

[starryeyes]

Vogi - Ah, I see what you mean now. (It kind of makes me sad for the African American mom, too).

At any rate, the baby is better off. Parents of transracial children need to be vigilant and not stick their head in the sands about color. It's worse when people try to ignore that racism exists and don't prepare themselves for parenting the transracially adopted child.

I don't mean to sound preachy. I personally could not adopt a special needs child that would have a limited life expectancy. That would be too much for me to bear, and I'm honest about that. Some people don't agree with that, though, either.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

I wouldn't say it makes the author RACIST, but I would say its an example of RACISM. Even if not her own, the racism of society, of her community, of her support system. So much so that she decided to take the "easier" route.

So maybe its an example of parental laziness?

Parenting transracially is HARDER. It takes more work. More sacrifices. More knowledge. More information. More support.

It requires a parent to be willing to work harder, be bigger, grow, learn and expand their horizons.

It requires parents to not be invisible. To be willing to be judged by more than one community of people.

Transracial parenting is harder.

And it should be made VERY clear that when white parents choose NOT to - it has to do with THEIR OWN short comings and inabilities or unwillingness to grow/work/move/learn expand and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the value of the child.

Black children (or other minority children) are JUST as worthy, precious, and deserving of capable parents as white kids, and how much better for the child if they avoid getting parents that aren't willing to do the work for them.

So in this case, if this mom wasn't willing to do the WORK involved in parenting transracially, that doesn't necessarily mean she was racist, she just realizes that dealing with RACISM is alot of work, and she isn't up for the challenge. Better to be honest about that, even if I strongly disagree with her.

Because to me, the pay out is worth ten thousand times over any cost to me.

Jen

This post bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for finally expressing in words what I have always stumbled on. Thank you.

[Vogi2002]

Nope, I get offended when others talk about AA transracial adoption & make it to be so much harder and so much more difficult than parenting another child would be that wasn't AA. I don't agree, and I like to stand up for the fact that it does and can work.

Actually it's much like those in an Open Adoption vs Closed Adoption. Is an OA harder? Yes in some ways, but it has so much to offer also. So, I like to stand up for it, because I don't want it to be a widely accepted fact that it's harder. The more we let it be known that it can and does work, the more people will stop accepting that it's harder and challenge themselves & thier reasonings as to why (talking about people who are new to adoption mostly here, or who never gave it a second thought). Especially wanting to make it clear that it's okay to accept one match over another specifically because of skin tone.


BTW - I'm not offended by this post, nor anything which was said here. Just making that point.

[starryeyes]

I'm not sure it's laziness; much of it is a knowledge deficit. I know people that were raised in all white environments who would have NO clue how to begin to parent a child of color. Sure, you can read books, but it depends on your upbringing.

My mom raised me and exposed me to people of all colors, backgrounds and upbringings. She went out of her way to do that. It was a gift of hers; she could talk to anyone about anything and make quick friends with people of all backgrounds. That got passed on to me. Does it mean I'm working "harder" than someone else because this is a skill of mine? Not really. If someone's very uncomfortable in a situation, they can work hard, and still, the unease is going to be sensed by the child. You have to have a baseline comfort with it first, I think.

[Sohmakun]

These threads always turn into who's better than who. I'm soooo over it

I try to watch the "race debates" from the sidelines, but alas, it's easier said than done.

[Vogi2002]

Kim - I do agree, but I also know that we should challenge people also to get them to think outside of thier box. IDK, if someone truley isn't comfortable with it I agree they should not adopt outside thier race, BUT I also think we need to start challenging people. Especially those that are open to all other races but one (usually AA...). I'm not saying that you have to do what we did...just challenge yourself to be sure it isn't your inner racism that is stopping you.

Thank you Kim, I have enjoyed this talk with you!! See!! Race debate doesn't have to be rude debate people...it's just about being honest & respectful at the same time.

[feelingreyt]

I don't think deciding to unmatch with the first mom was racist. Should they have spent more time deciding what race they were comfortable with? Yes, but I would imagine they had years of IF and was thrilled at the idea of being a family as soon as possible. Sometimes, as humans, we let our excitement over rule our judgement. I'm just glad they realized it before it was too late.
Also, as a side note, the author also said that she had a real connection with the 2nd bmom. Kinda like they were sisters. That probably made a huge impact on her decision as well.

[mondk]

I agree with "Jensboys".

Blessings, Michelle

[Fran27]

Got to say, it's very sad how some people feel so vastly superior just because of their family choice.

Now I'm done with this thread.

[starryeyes]

Vogi - I agree with you. It's important to keep challenging ourselves to grow and learn. And I enjoyed talking to you also!

Take care,

[mdesi]

Really unpopular opinion alert!!!

We are choosing to adopt as a means to the ends of building our family. Honestly, I did not sign up for this ride to make any political statements or to change the world or to change my community. I do those things through voting and my career choice. We are choosing to adopt to be parents, which by all accounts seems to involve a lot of personal growth in and of itself.

This is not meant to disparage anyone who is more higher minded about this than I am, but to point out that there is room at the adoption table for all w/o judgments.

Again, I think the woman in the blog did not think through her decisions for her own levels of openness before she made this decision. I think she heard "1-3 months and you could have a baby," and let that impact her initial decision. She should never have been presented to that expectant mother in the first place, and there was her error in all of this.

ETA: We are not adopting as a means for social justice.

[SuzBerg]

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