[finallyamom0310]

I have been hesitant to post these questions as I don't want to create too much controversy here but have had the questions in my mind for a while. Please keep in mind that these are mere questions and not something I am going through thankfully and I hope none of you are either. I would also like to hear from all sides of the triad here.

These questions stem from the fact that there have been a few recent stories locally about neglect of children and unfortunatly death.

One of the things that I have been thinking about a lot and curious about what others feel, especially BMoms is what would they feel if there was a major change in the family they picked? For instance divorce or major medical or even death. I know morbid but something that has crossed my mind. What would you think or do if the family neglected your child?

[JustPeachy]

I know this sounds strange, but when I was placing, I didn't even consider the fact that my son's parents might split up, be abusive, die young, or anything like that. It just never crossed my mind.

In fact, they are still together, and I assume they have a solid marriage, but I don't know that for sure. If they had divorced, I'm not sure how I'd feel. I did prefer my son be in a two parent family, but that wasn't the main reason I placed. I guess I'd feel badly that my son would be dealing with his parents' divorce, but if the marriage was really beyond repair, I'd hate for his parents to stay together "for the sake of the children" and be miserable, too.

I would be horrified if my son was abused or neglected, and I don't know how I'd handle it. I would also be very upset if one of his parents died. I would feel it as a terrible loss, not only for my son, but for me, too.

[thanksgivingmom]

My daughters Mom is a single Mom, so the upside is divorce isn't a possibility at this point

If Cupcake's Mom were to fall ill or have a major medical problem I would never be upset, but I would be scared, worried, and so terribly concerned for both her and Cupcake. I can't imagine that I would blame her in any way - she wouldn't have asked for it!

Now - if something happened to CUPCAKE, all bets are off. I would have a VERY hard time dealing with this. If she got very sick I hope I wouldn't blame her Mom, but if she got sick and her Mom didn't tell me about it I would have a hard time...I'm not talking a cold, I'm talking severe illness, hospitalization, etc. I just think that I would like to be kept in the loop on that - not to make any parenting decisions or anything, but just out of respect.

And if she abused Cupcake? I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like or how I would deal. And to be honest I don't want to.

[Stormster]

E's birth mother's close friend was SA'd by her Afather and this same lovely guy introduced E's birth mother to drugs at the age of about 12. This friend was mortified that L placed her children. I can't imagine the utter betrayal of finding out the child you placed was abused in ANY way. I mean verbally, physically etc....if I placed my child and found this out there was SA I would lose my mind.

We are currently doing our will and I fully intend to let E's birth mother know the details we have outlined for his care including the name of our attorney should she have any questions. There will be stipulations in the will that my sister will have to keep E's adoption open. I hope she can handle that. We are talking about it this weekend. Sorry I veered a bit

[finallyamom0310]

I appreaciate the FMoms input here. I think one of the reasons I have thought about this is that DD's FMom once said to me that if she knew of any kind of abuse she would remove DD from that situation. Now I know she was talking from a place of love and don't really think she would follow through in an illegal way so it hasn't hindered our relationship but gets the fears going when I do think about it.

Storm, we did our wills and had the conversations about the open adoption with DD's Godparents who would take care of DD but I didn't put it into the will. Can I ask why you feel the need to put it in writting? Just curious as I am not sure if I should talk to DH and SIL about putting it in writing myself.

[BrandyHagz]

You can't control death or divorce - things happen. Adoptive parents aren't any more perfect that those who give birth. It happens.

As for the other portion of your question:

What would you think or do if the family neglected your child?

This is my reality. I have lost ALL respect for my daughter’s parents. I placed her so that she would have a life better than the one I could provide her at the time of her birth – she got that ‘better life’ for about a year (give or take) then the proverbial poo hit the fan. It turns out (with the agency having full knowledge, but not taking steps to investigate/dig deeper) that one of her parents was mentally ill on a debilitating level. The parent had NEVER had a functional/normal ‘life’ – and rather than out themselves, they moved. Far away.

It wasn’t until they returned (and a few years later) that the ‘truth’ came to light. At least some of it.

It wasn’t until last June that I got to see the real truth ‘face to face’ when my daughter deplaned for a visit and was wearing clothing and shoes that were to small along with no underpants, because she’d started her period two days before and no one bothered to go get her any sanitary napkins. She had blood all over the back of her skirt – not that I noticed at first, because her bare rear end was also showing from behind. She was 11 at the time.

She wore glasses, but hadn’t been to the eye Dr. in several years. The eyewear was too small, plus it was falling apart. Scratched. She squinted when wearing them.

She had never had her teeth cleaned and when I took her to the Dentist with me to get mine cleaned – she finally piped up and mentioned that she had some pain in a tooth – my Dentist looked and she had rotten teeth. Rotten. Not cavities. Rot.

She excels in school and I am thankful for that, but she has very little familial support. The parent that stays home rarely makes it out of bed and when she does, she is so self centered, M barely makes it to her radar. The other parent is largely absent.

I don’t have any definitive proof that the other parent too suffers from mental illness – but their actions sure make me wonder…or I should say their inactions.

You asked how I felt?

Like I had been kicked in the stomach. I was disgusted. I am still disgusted. The pain I feel over the neglect she has suffered for her ENTIRE LIFE sometimes sends me into the black hole of depression. It’s often something I have to just put out of my mind, because there is nothing I can do about it, beyond hope and pray someone else does something.

You asked what I’d do?

I hotlined them. Or at least, I tried. The lady was really nice, took my report, I gave her ALL of their information – explained in detail what I had witnessed and advised them that I had photographic evidence of the damage to her mouth and the way she looked when she deplaned in Phoenix.

Then she asked, “What is your relation to the child?”

I responded, “I am her birth mother”

She got really snotty with me at that point, explained that they don’t take reports from people who didn’t care enough to keep their kids in the first place and said I needed to ‘get over it’, I would never get her back.

I didn’t want her back. I wanted her safe.

So, I tried. Now, all I do is hope someone else will care and report them. The bad news is, they move a lot (and now, I have no doubt in my mind why that is) and I would bet that any mandated reporter would just be getting to the point of reporting, when they up and move.

They do not deserve to be parents.

They do not deserve that little girl.

They disgust me.

[finallyamom0310]

Brandy, I am so sorry but thank you for sharing. I put the question out there thinking that noone here was in these situations. Again, I guess I still live in a bubble world.

I know you have tried to help but is there anything else you can do?? I am sure you have thought of this but I thought I would ask anyway, if you still know where they live, can you get a friend or neighbor to watch or report? School counselor? Anyone?

I know there are all forms of neglect and abuse for kids and really thought that with the home studies and all that at least adopted children would not be in these situations. Makes me wonder what else can be done to make the process more successful.

[Stormster]

We are putting it in writing because I do not want the OA to change one iota for DS or his birth mother. I don't want his sibs to not be able to reach him and I don't want any slacking off!

[vegaschristina]

As an adoptive mom, I feel I owe it not just to my kids, but also their birth mom to do the very best job I can as mom. Do I make mistakes? Yes. I am routinely called a meanie by my kids (usually when I make them do something as horrible as *gasp* put away their toys), but God has entrusted me with the care of these kids, and it's a job I take very seriously.

I can't imagine having to deal with what Brandy is dealing with. Murder would seem too good for them.

[Stormster]

I find the notion of joking about killing someone who is mentally ill barbaric. The system let Brandy down ...they sound incompetent but not evil. Sorry this is none of my business but I have a mentally ill brother and can't fathom remarks like that.

[Tazer]

OMG Brandy, how awful, for you and your daughter. I have only read bits and pieces of your story so I had no idea and having read this I am shocked.

You know as a B-mom the only way I could bring myself at 16 to even consider adoption was by saying over and over "But it's best for the baby; she will have a good life with parents who love her and are willing to protect her always."

When you come to understand that this isn't / wasn't the case it nearly destroys you, it feels you with venom and hate for their actions.

I am also shocked at the actions /inactions of CPS. Why did it matter what relation you were to the child? Anyone can make a report, or so I thought, even total strangers who happen to witness a one time event of abuse or suspect neglect.

I am so sorry for what you must be dealing with and with what M must go through. I am glad she has you as her Mom, too and I will keep each of you in my thoughts and prayers. Tracy

[vegaschristina]

Originally Posted by Stormster

I find the notion of joking about killing someone who is mentally ill barbaric. The system let Brandy down ...they sound incompetent but not evil. Sorry this is none of my business but I have a mentally ill brother and can't fathom remarks like that.

I never joked about murdering anyone. I said that I couldn't imagine what Brandy was going thru, and that if anyone hurt my babies, murder would be the polite thing to do,

Mental illness is a huge spectrum, from those who are mentally ill but still in control of their actions to those who cannot be held responsible for their actions. By constantly moving, ahead of CPS, that tells me that the people who are the a-parents of Brandy's girl are aware of their actions and should be held responsible. I never thought they were evil, not even once.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

As someone who is adopting as a single mom, I think a lot about what would happen to my child if I were to die or became so sick or disabled that I could not provide adequate care. I've thought of a couple families I could ask to become guardians if anything ever happens to me (one relatives, one friends), and I've even thought about asking both just in case my first choice weren't able to carry through with the commitment.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Unfortunately, the moving all the time does work all to well for avoiding abuse/neglect investigations. My dad was falsely accused of abusing my oldest sister, and the SW who investigated and agreed the allegation was false, told my family to move out-of-state for a while to avoid having to be subjected to further investigations if the spiteful neighbor (of course, they didn't say that's who reported, but that's who my parents assume did it) made any more allegations. So, my family stayed with relatives in another state for a few months, while my dad stayed back so that he could keep his job. This was back in the early 80s, but it's pretty sad that someone who worked as an investigator for the county didn't even have faith in the system. Wouldn't a "well, it's obvious these allegations are false, so you have nothing to worry about" make more sense if the system were doing its job? I can only hope things are better now than they used to be, but it doesn't seem so in the experiences I've had working with abused/neglected kids.

[belleinblue1978]

Divorce, death, illness, those things happen, you can't control them. I certainly wouldn't be mad at my son's my mom and dad. If his parents staying together, even if they were miserble, was so he could have both of them... man I'd rather they were apart and were better parents alone and happy. That is life.

If they both passed on, I'd hope that they would leave instructions about our OA just so that I wouldn't get closed out. They know that kiddo is included in my will and my parent's will.

Neglect or abuse, I'd be livid. That is still my child no matter what legal documents say. I'm not sure what I would do to be honest. I'm with TGM the thought is too painful to even consider.