[JenC]

Josh is obviously my first toddler, and I just don't know what's normal. He's 16 mo. and has been home since he was 4 1/2 mo. He is ALL BOY through and through, and a little daredevil to boot.

I understand tantrums because you can't express what you're feeling, and all the big emotions toddlers have as they begin to realize that there are other people on this planet. I can handle the normal tantrums over having to share, not getting what he wants, etc.

But when he's mad...really mad, he goes a little crazy. He will actively seek to scratch, pinch, bite, or maim you in any way possible. No amount of "NO, biting hurts" (or scratching, whatever) will deter him. I plop his little rear end down promptly and step out of his reach until he's done pitching his fit, then I'll pick him up and love on him. The tantrums are slowly getting better, but the aggression isn't and I wonder about the biting/scratching/pinching...he's been doing it for almost 6 months. Nothing works to get him to stop.

Normal? I'm slightly concerned that I'm raising a psychopath who will kill me in my sleep someday. We don't spank (he's very fragile emotionally sometimes...normal toddler stuff too??), but occasionally when he's really control of himself, a slight TAP ( a tap, people...not a swat/spank, whatever) on his hand will snap him out of it. (One day he was making me crazy with the scratching and pinching, so I tapped his fingers along with the "NO" and it snapped him right out of it. ) It almost seems like sometimes he gets "stuck" emotionally and needs help to snap out of it...does that make any sense?

I just don't know if it's normal, or if I have reason to be concerned.

Thanks for listening to a worrying mama.

[finallyamom0310]

Not sure how much is normal of what you described but maybe a call to the pediatrician. My DD is 17 months and is still occassionally biting, pinching and hitting me. Of course it is just me and it is getting better. I have had to say no, I have let tears come to my eyes when it reall hurts so she knows she hurt me and I have turned her over to whoever else is home at the time to give us some space. I can tell you it is getting better for me and I pray it will for you.

[nikkianni]

I have a hair puller. She doesn't bite or hit, she yanks. HARD! She's only been doing it for the last couple of months and she's far worse with me than anyone else.
I can barely hold her without her trying to yank my hair out.
We started with the usual no no, ouch thing. Yeah, that was apparently a laugh riot. We eventually went to hand swatting. It still doesn't always work but it does seem to get her attention.
Now if she does it more than twice and the hand swat doesn't work, I put her down or hand her off. BOY does that make her mad.
But it also seems to be getting the point across because it slowly seems to be getting better.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

I've known some kids who were very aggressive at that age but just grew out of it. You probably won't be sure if it's anything more than "just a phase" until he's a little older, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to mention it to the Dr., as the Dr. may know other signs to look for that could indicate a more serious problem. If the aggression only happens during tantrums, then you probably don't have a budding sociopath on your hands. Conduct disorder (the childhood version of having sociopathic tendencies) usually doesn't show up in kids that young.

[Stormster]

Good luck with that. Can't be easy! Everyone I know who has their first toddler is a bit freaked out by it though so hang in there....

[Shadowfaerie]

My son used to do this too, the slapping, pinching, hair pulling, scratching and occasional biting thing. At 18 months he's gotten so much better. He no longer pinches, scratches or pulls hair. He does hit me if he's frustrated but we're working on that. Just letting him know it hurts and that it's a "no-no" is all we did and it worked over time.

[JenC]

Thanks, everyone. It's just nice to know that I'm hopefully not raising a psycho. I'm really hoping he grows out of it soon!

[allanacw]

Toddlers are so confusing...I'm on my first as well, he's our second child. Are you dreading potty training the way I am?

My son went through a stage where he was just a nasty little thing. Using time outs very, very consistently worked like a charm and it resolved really quickly. When he hit/bit, he was put into a time out spot (there was one on each floor of the house). Kept putting him back when he would get up. He hated it and lost his mind. After the minute or less that I would have him stay there, he would be given the chance to apologize, which was to stroke our face (which seems weird to type, lol, but that's what we do!). If he didn't apologize, back into time out. A lot of crying and screaming, another chance to apologize, if he didn't or got into the ugly cry, he went into his crib. He always apologized at that point after which we can cuddle and talk it over. He was about 17 months at the time.

Had to do this about 4 times. Still occasional issues, largely directed at his 8 year old sister who likes to boss him around. He's now 23 months.

Have to say, my MIL would let him hit her, which didn't help. He rarely hits me anymore, though, and it's easily resolved when he does.

[socialkat78]

When I work with younger kids who are aggressive I like to use some books that are geared to that age. The ones I really like are Hands are not for Hitting; Feet are not for Kicking; Teeth are not for Biting; and Words are not for Hurting. They are nice book since they talk about why the child should do those things and what would be appropriate alturnatives when upset.

[Whirled_Peas]

My son has never been aggressive. He pulls hair more for fun than out of frustration (though that certainly frustrates me and I'm glad he is doing it less often.) I do know some kids are more aggressive and will grow out of it.

I think any violence towards children--even little taps on the hand--should be noted to be violence towards children. It may solve the problem in the short term, but what are you teaching your child in the long run, that it is okay for a person with power to hit someone who is just doing a developmentally normal thing for them. It is okay for someone who loves you to hit you.

We just watched the dvd Unconditonal Parenting. Amazon.com: Unconditional Parenting: Movies & TV talks about how all the studies show that, in the long run, any punishment, including time outs, is counter productive. Punishing (and rewarding) does not instill inner motivations in anyone. It just teaches them to change their behavior to get the external responses they want.

So, I know how frustrating and scary your son's behavior must be. I would look for other alternatives to tapping his hand. It seems like a bad habit for you to get into and it seems like a bad thing to role model to your child.

Here is another book that I am liking:
Amazon.com: ADVENTURES IN GENTLE DISCIPLINE: A Parent-to-Parent Guide (La Leche League International Book): Hilary Flower: Books

[Cjmeck]

Hey Jen, I'm late in responding but I really wanted to tell you that YES, I've BTDT. My son is 6yo now and I'm still tramatized from his toddlerhood! lol I'm willing to bet that your son is strong-willed, persistent and intense? Those qualities make for a VERY rough few years but I'm really starting to see the payoffs in my son; I'm positive these boys will be fantastic adults! Just be calm, caring, consistent and firm. Timeouts when he gets aggressive. If I can live through the terrible 12-36 months, anyone can Its a very common phase, has everything to do with the child's temperment and probably nothing to do with your parenting. Hang in there!

[Cjmeck]

Originally Posted by JenC

We don't spank (he's very fragile emotionally sometimes...normal toddler stuff too??), but occasionally when he's really control of himself, a slight TAP ( a tap, people...not a swat/spank, whatever) on his hand will snap him out of it. (One day he was making me crazy with the scratching and pinching, so I tapped his fingers along with the "NO" and it snapped him right out of it. ) It almost seems like sometimes he gets "stuck" emotionally and needs help to snap out of it...does that make any sense?

Yes, it completely makes sense to me. I don't know why but my son was the same way. It seems like he NEEDED to be able to associate the no-no with the particular part of his body that was doing it! Crazy, I know, but yes I understand. And fyi, I know some people have issues with it, but it did work for us.

[Mumofmanee]

My 20 month old foster son came to me at 16 months, hitting and biting. I was so frustrated at times and it began to feel like living in a huge aquarium with a miniature shark. I tried the time outs, the others he bit cried profusely, I tried the "NO, biting hurts". What finally worked was I believe a combination of things, including time for him to work through this phase. I finally just sat him to the side when he did it, so he could still see everyone, yet ignored him and threw a major pity party for the injured party. I also made the time for rough play for him, as in banging cars on the bottom of a large empty coffee can, got him a mini drum set and encourage him to try to break the tops out. LOL I also set out to teach him the word Stop, so he has some means of control over his environment. It has all helped in time. In four months, we have come to the point that if he were to bite again today, I would actually be shocked. He is all boy too and just seems to have lots of aggression to get out daily. Believe me, it gets easier and I know it will for your little one too.

[Dagz]

hi jen,
my son is my first toddler, too. he is 18 months now, and about 2 months ago he started hitting me when he is frustrated. he is also all boy, like yours. a very active little dare-devil, lol...
anyways, i had just posted a thread about the hitting phase, because i don't know what to do anymore, either. nothing i do works. time out, smacking his fingers, gosh, i think it hurts me more than him, i hate doing it! especially i think it teaches that it is okay to hit. but sometimes i get soooo frustrated (surprisingly frustrated), and see no other option. it hurts me though, because i know it hurts him, if not physically then emotionally.
i tried being calm about it, ignoring it, being firm about it, even yelling at him at times, which that seems to work a little. omg, he is only 18 months and already only yelling works? terrible. anyways, i feel your pain!!!!!

another thing he does is, when i put him in his crib for timeout, which is mostly only when i need to get away from him, he stands in his crib and pees!!! yes he is almost completly potty-trained already, so i know he is doing it because he is mad. unbelievable. and then he calls me as if he was saying "look what i did" (he doesn't talk yet).

i think maybe we just need to stay relaxed, know it is just a phase, don't worry or care about what other people think or say (they probably never had children, or theirs just didn't do it), stick to time outs (consistance is the key!), and let it pass....
btw, i had talked to my pediatrician about it, and he said the best thing is to seperate him from me, putting him in the crib for a few minutes where hopefully he will scream and cry, and after the time out, start fresh.
pm me any time you want to talk!!!

raffaela