[Leigh131313]

Cuz I sure do.

I'm in a fully open adoption - and things are pretty darn good. Everyone gets along, we really like each other. M enjoys visits as do I and his entire birthfamily. We have visits once or twice a year (because of his birthmoms busy schedule) and the odd phone call here and there. We are friends on facebook and can easily keep informally in touch there.....

The thing that bothers me is that I think some people feel open adoption means more than what it actually is. Or should I say - they don't realize how different each situation is.

There is alot of talk about children having another mother (and/or father) and how that could be confusing. I realize in some cases this comes up. Sometimes the disagreement is over titles - sometimes over the actual role. In MY family, this is just such a non issue. M has one mom and one birthmom. We are two very different things. He calls birthmom by her name - which is working well in our situation. Someday he may change his mind - but I doubt he will. If he does - that's HIS choice. It is certainly NOT being pressed onto us by his birthmom (who wanted to be called by her first name). I know alot of people on here say how their kids have two mom's - and I know some of you feel that way and want it that way. I just don't see it that way.

Another thing I think about....When people get worried about a birthmother encrouching on their lives and making it hard to bond because they don't feel like it's truly their child... I completely understand - and in some cases this happens. But I gotta tell ya - this just has not been an issue for me. In fact with most people I know involved in OA - it's the aparents that are wishing for MORE from the birthfamilies.


There is just so much on this forum that could really freak a hopeful adoptive parent out....Sometimes I think we talk about extremes too often - on ALL sides of the triad.

Open adoption can be a very unintrusive thing. It can be relaxed - it can be a non-issue.


sometimes i think that sometimes we forget that...

[manni28]

I don't have an OA, I have semi-open. I agree with what you said-each adoption/family is different.

[gracemetcalf]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

There is just so much on this forum that could really freak a hopeful adoptive parent out....Sometimes I think we talk about extremes too often - on ALL sides of the triad.

This is very true! I have to remind myself that the people who take the time and effort to become involved in discussions here are generally A) passionate, involved people with strong opinions; and B) more likely to have gone through an extreme adoption experience whether positive or negative. I have to remember that there are thousands and thousands of adoption stories out there that may pass under the radar so to speak-- uneventful, hopefully relatively painless all around-- the middle ground.

[lovemy2boys]

Hmmm...I'm sure that it OA MAY be misrepresented, but I also think there are so many factors that go into each OA...the people involved, the education received, the extended families, etc...

It can be "unintrusive, relaxed and a non issue"...and for the most part, I do find this is the case with one of our OA's...but not with the other, which although more difficult, certainly not extreme...

Our oldest son's firstmom was given a very wrong explanation of what an OA was - and took it all at face value...at the same time, we were given a very rosy, fantasy-like education on how it should be...we BELIEVED it would be relaxed and unintrusive, and that just wasn't the case...So in that aspect, I think OA was misrepresented to all of us...

Having said that, I don't think ours is a very extreme case - basically some boundary issues that needed (and still at times needs) to be addressed...Nothing that couldn't be worked through, and thankfully, we are all getting to a better place.

I agree that some of the things on here can scare off hopeful couples...but I wish I would have known ALL aspects of OA so I could have been better prepared to navigate ours.

GRACE...you're right too, that many times people come here for support...that's why I turned to a.com...so for every extreme case, there are, I'm sure, and equal or greater number of "average" cases...For me, education was definately the key for moving our OA from awkward to more relaxed...

ETA - added the word NOT in front of extreme - lol

[Stormster]

I think it's good to see "extreme" examples because then we may learn how to navigate difficult situations that may come up from time to time in an otherwise smooth OA.

I don't think it means is misrepresented though. I think it probably is difficult almost all the time esp. for birth mothers. I can't imagine how it would be a non-issue for them. But I do think some OA's are certainly smoother sailing than others.

[finallyamom0310]

I didn't find a.com till after we had to work through the first issues in our OA with BMom. I am kind of glad that I didn't. We have a contract for a semi-open and are working our way through an OA for our daughter.

IMHO OA is what each triad member makes of it. Regardless of how you set up or work your OA if it works, don't break it. As I have said in other posts, there are bumps in the road for all relationships and there will be bumps in an OA too.

If everyone who was deciding whether to participate in an OA only got their info from one source like this one, I am not sure OA's would be happening as much as I hear they are. I can say that the hardest part about an OA is that there is no counseling or training to be prepared for an OA. There is nothing really that agencies do to help triad members navigate through OA's or at least our agency didn't.

So I am not really sure OA's are misrepresented. IMO they are not represented enough to be misrepresented.

Just my opinion.

[Stormster]

My sentiments exactly!

[DebCsMom]

I to think OA is sometimes misread. One of the biggest misunderstanding is that EVERY OA is different & to a different degree. Also, the misunderstanding from people who aren't involved in adoption. The most frequently said comment I get when people hear we have open adoptions is, "Isn't that confusing to the child?" I usually respond with something like, "What is confusing for a child is knowing they are adopted but NOT knowing much about their Birth family or not being able to KNOW who they are & what they are about."

In our opinion having open adoptions is the only option for us, our children & their birth families. We may have alittle more contact than some families. Each of our 3 adoptions is very different.

With one we have visits only once a year because of distance. This one is alot of work on my part for our daughter. "I" make all the phone calls, "I" send pictures every couple of months & "I" set up the visits. DD BMom doesn't call enough, IMO. This year we FINALLY had DD 2 birth brothers come & spend some time with us this Summer!! We have more contact through email & calls with her BGrandparents. DD is 8 now.

With the next DD who is now 6, we USE to have visits with Birth mom everytime there was a break at school. She would spend every break with us, Easter, Summer, Thanksgivng, Christmas. She got married a couple years ago & now moved to OK, we live in WI. Now we only see her at Christmas & in Summer. But no more overnight stays. We still have many phone calls & emails. BUT, we still see DD Birth Grandparents every couple of months. They only live 2 hours away.

With DS who will be 5 next month we have again a different OA. Birthmom & I are very close, like close friends. We call each other often & email often just to chit chat or whine! LOL DS has 3 older bsibs & 1 younger. The oldest bsister comes & spends the whole summers with us, Easter & Christmas break. BMom will call often & ask for younger bbrother to come for the weekends so she gets a break. With this adoption too we have contact with extended Birth family members. We go to their family picnics, cookouts, graduations, etc.

I kinda got long on this, but I wanted to show just in our family how different OA can be. Our OA's change all the time!! Lives change, situations change, people change. I have always said about our OA situations that our children don't ever have any doubts who they look like, where they came from, who they are, who is Mommy & Daddy, etc. If I don't have the answers to questions they have about their adoptions, the answers are just a phone call or email away.

Deb

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by finallyamom0310

I can say that the hardest part about an OA is that there is no counseling or training to be prepared for an OA. There is nothing really that agencies do to help triad members navigate through OA's or at least our agency didn't.

So I am not really sure OA's are misrepresented. IMO they are not represented enough to be misrepresented.

Just my opinion.

Perfectly said...

[EZ2Luv]

Before I began my search, the OA was a complete NO to me. All I could think of what the child being confused as I put myself as an adoptee in the childs place. I also though that OA was more liker a co parenting thing. The more I came around that more I realizes what OA really is. I am still learning and am alot more open minded about it because I see that it does work. It is important to me to see how all sides of the triad handle OA. Of couse OA being faily new there are few adoptees if any that can share their experiences with it but I am getting so much knowledge from APs and Bmoms telling the good and the bad of it. I also can see through the parents how beneficial this is to the adoptee.
I think it is a fair to say that most people do not really know what OA is as I was one of them. Especially people outside or the "triad". All they see is the APs having to share their child or the child is not really theirs.
Do I think OA is for everyone? Just like everthing else in adoption there are no blanket statements so I would have to say no,OA is not for everyone. Every family is different and I take a "whatever works" approach to OA since it all contingent upon what the APs and Bparents are comfortable with.
I must also say that I am so very glad that I have been able to learn what OA is not.

EZ

[binkybear]

I get what Leigh is trying to say. I get and see what each individual poster tries to say in each thread I decided to read, it's all so personal and individual. There might be one technical, in the books, definition of OA, but there's no one definition for each individual person within it. There might be one websters definition of marriage, dating, birth, labor, home, career, female and male...but we all know how VERY different those things all are for each individual person and/or family. We can't define it out here and the more I read threads where people are almost desperately trying to make others adhere to their ideas the more turned off I personally get about the threads and site.

For example I hear the comments about semi open being like adult penpals and it totally goes against what my personal vision of semi open was. I had this vision of a toddler coloring pages for the letter updates, I envisioned a young child adding their own page to each letter, and a teen having such a bigger piece of the communications. I've always said I would never promise more than what I could commit to up front. I hope and want for more, but in the beginning I won't make promises based on unknowns. I just won't. Knowing what my definition is and knowing myself I don't take the snarky comments, other persons baggage, and the assumptions to heart. Who needs the added issues in an already complicated world and process!?
I Sometimes I just have to tell myself that for some this site might not really be about support (listening) as much as it is about therapy (talking). There is a big difference, yah know. (??)

Overall, I'm glad I found the site. I'm at a place in my life today where I can sift through it all and take from it what I find helpful. Maybe it's that everyone's personal experience is being misunderstood and misrepresented, how could a site represent each one? Maybe that's where there needs to be a little more understanding, listening and acceptance rather than trying to get others to adhere to a single defining ideal of OA.

Leigh, I also see where you were "writing" from. If I'm reading correctly the non issues you spoke of were from "you" the aparent. I sometimes feel like there needs to be a disclaimer before each post..."the poster is speaking as a _______. Thoughts, feelings and experiences are of the ______ alone and do not or may not fully represent all parties within the triad." Can we get one of those in with the smiley's???

[gracemetcalf]

Binkybear, once again you've expressed it perfectly-- thank you!

The OA you describe is what I had in mind as well... not a stringent one way communication between adults nor a blended family but rather a mediated and yes, somewhat guarded interaction between aparents, child and bfamily. While it's informative to hear from aparents who are flourishing in far more open scenarios and also from bmothers who agonize over a lack of contact, it also strengthens my own vision of what adoption will need to look like in my life.

[Stormster]

Binky I hope you don't think I am trying to get anyone to adhere to fully OA. I fully support all kinds of adoption, including semi-open adoption if that's what both parties want. Just think all decisions made pre-adoption should be adhered to. The damage done when these promises are broken is incalculable.

I truly feel like the birth mothers on this thread have said exactly the same thing. Their expectations are only based on promises that did not have to be made to them but were.

I've read this a thousand times and don't understand why it isn't understood (I'm not saying YOU don't understand this, I'm not clear). If you don't want to be in a fully OA then don't make that promise to a woman who is about to let you raise her child. Just don't do it!

I feel like "we" get so stuck on this issue and I don't know why

[binkybear]

No, stormster, nothing about my post was about "you", not at all And I don't make "promises you (I) don't intened to keep" (one of my favorite all time Disney animation lines actually!)

I just don't think, even with all of the discussion out here, that OA can be "defined", tha'ts where the "adhering" idea stemmed from. Even the glossary out here on this site doesn't give a definite answer or definition or example. The glossary says something about names and phone numbers being exchange and the birth...doesn't mention "visits". But so many discussions out here stress OA with visits, like that defines it. If I asked outloud what is OA I would get 250 different anwers and examples...but who's right and who's not? What is someone expecting when they hear they're going into an "OA" if there is no expectation set? I guess that's where I get confused about it out here.
From what I've read the major issues with "OA" stem from there not being clear discussion about expectations whether pre or post adoption (days, months or years into it) from all persons invovled. Not setting goals, boundaries, expectations, desires, whatever each person is seeking of the relationship. If it's fear on all sides driving it, or other factors then those are the issues of individuals within an OA and not issues of "OA".

If there's no set definition of what OA is, but you're promised an OA...what are you hoping for if it's not clearly defined to (or hopefully by) you (this goes equally for the aparent, eparent, bparent)? Someone could promise me a week's vacation in paradise, but if I don't tell them what paradise is for me I might wind up on and island in the heat...and I HATE the heat. Paradise for me is snow. I guess I just think there's a "paradise" being offered with no fine print or attention being paid or offered to all of the individuals involved. I'm newer to the site, so I am sorry if I'm sticking on something that was already unstuck...point me to the answers if they're out there!!

[Stormster]

Oh I totally understand what you are saying about OA not being defined. I am a firm believer in detailing the exact terms of an OA in advance so you know exactly what you ARE promising. I feel that both mothers need to be equally responsible for defining their understanding of the OA. Not to say it cannot evolve over time but the right of the birth mother to know what the minimum contact will be is "humanity 101" IMHO.

Hopefully down the line there will be a way to achieve this