[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by binkybear

IBut so many discussions out here stress OA with visits, like that defines it. If I asked outloud what is OA I would get 250 different anwers and examples...but who's right and who's not?

You are SO right...that's actually how I found the site - lol...

My understanding was that OA is the exchanging of identifying information; letters, photos, visits, calls, may or may not be involved...the basic premise was that you knew where to find the person, and had their identifying info...

Semi was that you had contact through an intermediary and had non identifying info...

Closed was...well, closed...

AJ's firstmom believed that OA was defined by visits...so I went online and googled "definition of Open Adoption", and found this site - but not a definitive answer on what it was - lol...Makes my brain hurt sometimes

[thanksgivingmom]

I think OA is misrepresented when it's marketed as a "win-win-win" situation.

It's not about winning at all.

Yet it seems agencies push OA as, "birthmoms know their kids okay so they can move on and HEAL!"

I think OA is misrepresented to get people to sign on for it....yes, I think OA is awesome and is the way to go, but I don't think it helps ANYONE (aparent, bparent, eparent, or child) to not be realistic about it's challenges AND it's rewards.

[Stormster]

How can an EM receive counseling and at the same time hear that it is win-win-win? It boggles my mind!

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Yet it seems agencies push OA as, "birthmoms know their kids okay so they can move on and HEAL!"

You know, my youngest son's firstmom said this just the other day...she said that the agency said such great things about OA that they never really prepard her for how emotionally exhausting it would be, even now...

And I remember telling the agency years ago that I thought they were doing adoptive parents and birthparents (not to mention the child) a disservice by not giving the full spectrum - good and bad - of OA, especially since this is what they singularly promoted...and they basically said well, if we talked of the negatives or hardships, we wouldn't be able to get anyone on board with it...

Ok, I guess I see where they were coming from - but what about their obligation to the very people who are coming to them for guidance?

Sorry to get off topic, but it's fresh in my mind after my convo with "C" the other day...

[thanksgivingmom]

Absolutely! I mean, adoption in general isn't "easy" - I'm sure it brings up lots of emotions on the aparent side of things too - but people still adopt!

And I think if we're doing it FOR our children we'll do it even if it's not always rainbows and unicorns, you know? All of us LIVING IT right now can certainly attest to it. I just think everyone would be so much better prepared for the reality (and I think fewer adoptions would close) if there was a more realistic education of OA....the good, the bad, and the ugly. Because as much as we love our children, we'll withstand ugly and bad because the good is SO worth it.

[lahdh4]

I think in many ways it is labeled as a "win-win-win" for everyone. Here is where I like the agency I worked with. I was told it isn't easy. There was no sugar coating about it. I was told what a semi-open entailed (exchange of information, no 3rd party, no visits), semi-closed (3rd party, no visits). It was all explained to me.
What I find really awful is telling an EM that pictures through a 3rd party, no visits and all contact stopped after a certain age "open".

[thanksgivingmom]

What I find really awful is telling an EM that pictures through a 3rd party, no visits and all contact stopped after a certain age "open".

I couldn't agree more Leigh!!

[Leigh131313]

I agree - being presented as just a wonderful thing for everyone isn't realistic.

I'm glad some of you understood what I was saying in my OP - and yes I was strictly talking from an aparent point of view looking at open adoption.....

I remember when I was reading on OA - I came across a book (given to me by an adoption professional - nothing to do with agency/placement) It really freaked me out. It was talking about equal involvment from birthparents - alot of talk about birthparents maintaining parenting type roles.....that sort of thing

anyhoo - if that were the only thing I had read, there is no way I would have agreed to an open adoption. It was just waaaaay in the extreme world of OA.

It just seems sometimes there is too much of the extreme represented......good and bad.

Sometimes I think the middle ground view gets lost...

Thanks for "getting" what i meant.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

I'm glad some of you understood what I was saying in my OP - and yes I was strictly talking from an aparent point of view looking at open adoption.....

Whoops, hopefully it was okay that I chimed in then!

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Whoops, hopefully it was okay that I chimed in then!

Of course you're welcome here!

And Leigh - I totally get what you were saying - I hope you didn't think otherwise...just sharing a bit of our journey...

[Leigh131313]

Of course I don't mind you chiming in!! Just cause I was talking about aparents doesn't mean bparents can't share their thoughts!! Mine just don't really apply to a birthparent considering adoption - not the same thing at all!!

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

Of course you're welcome here!

And Leigh - I totally get what you were saying - I hope you didn't think otherwise...just sharing a bit of our journey...

No, I didn't think that. I think that alot of it gets lost in the rose colored glasses view that is given.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

I think OA is misrepresented when it's marketed as a "win-win-win" situation.

It's not about winning at all.

Yet it seems agencies push OA as, "birthmoms know their kids okay so they can move on and HEAL!"

I think OA is misrepresented to get people to sign on for it....yes, I think OA is awesome and is the way to go, but I don't think it helps ANYONE (aparent, bparent, eparent, or child) to not be realistic about it's challenges AND it's rewards.

GASP! You mean it isn't? You mean... Ok sarcasm aside, sorry long night at work, lol.

I get WORN OUT from my open adoption, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I was lucky, I knew alot of people involved in open adoptions when I placed my son. I'd talked to plenty of women. I knew that it was going to be hard sometimes, but I figured that knowing where my son is and getting to see him grow would be worth it.

I don't always love my OA, there are days when I wish I could walk away and tell people to leave me alone forever. Then I get my head out of my butt and realize that would make me miserable too.

I think that what people considering adoption from either side is to be able to sit down with families (both adoptive and first) and have open, honest discussions. No social workers, attorneys, facilitators or whatever present. I spoke once on a panel and was informed later that my emotions were too raw and that I "scared" adoptive parents. IE don't scare away our money. Sorry folks, part of open adoption is sometimes raw emotions, from everyone, not just first parents, that is a reality. We're people here, not Stepford Wives.

[imjlo]

I am kinda in a weird place in that my DH was adopted and it was a closed adoption and that is all he wants and will not even discuss any other options with me. I hate to do any research or reading on how an OA works cause I am affraid that I will want to do an OA or a Semi-Open and it will cause a hughe fight. DH does not know who his BMom is although his AMom does have the info he just does not want it nor does he care to find her or anything like that and I can totally respect that if that is what he chooses to do. I am fine with the Closed Adoption it does not bother me at all I just kind of feel that we are putting so many restrictions on or app (ie Domestic, White, Infant, Female, Closed) that we will never find a match.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

I spoke once on a panel and was informed later that my emotions were too raw and that I "scared" adoptive parents. IE don't scare away our money. Sorry folks, part of open adoption is sometimes raw emotions, from everyone, not just first parents, that is a reality. We're people here, not Stepford Wives.

That's so funny - I used to speak on panels too,relaying how great OA was to prospective parents...I just so happened to have to speak on a night when we were having a horrible time with our OA, and the floodgates opened...UGH!!! I let it all out, but still said that no matter how hard things were, I still believed in OA and that we were determined to make things work...

Sufice it to say, that was 3 1/2 years ago, and I was never asked back...And they cited the same reason you mentioned as to why they don't show the downside of OA...