[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by manni28

I didn't say or imply you were taking the "easy way out", but I'm not sure all bmom's aren't. Not everyone who can have a baby wants to be a parent. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to raise your child, at least it show’s what the person can/can’t handle. However, I do think if you don’t want to raise the child, and you are raising the first one, you really don’t (imo) have a say in visits.

I truly believe in situations like mine, the aparents should decide when the child is older, if visits are good.

WOW, your judgements never fail to amaze me manni. You talk about being judged, that we don't try to see things from other perspectives, and what not.

So I didn't WANT to raise me child? I'm glad you lived my situation and know what I WANTED. What I wanted was for my child to have the best life that he could. It broke my heart that I was in a place that I couldn't give him that, I wanted nothing more than to be his mom.

BTW, age has nothing to do with placing. I was 26 when I placed my son and my firstmother was 30 when she placed me. So we are lesser people because we were older huh? Since we weren't young we didn't place because we wanted a better life for our child and loved them that much? We placed them because we didn't WANT to be parents? That is what I am reading from your posts.

[feelingreyt]

belle,
I can not speak for manni, but I don't believe she meant YOU did not love YOUR child. She was just saying that not ALL bmom's give up custody because they believe its the best thing for the baby. Every person is different and every adoption takes place for different reasons.
I have, personally, read alot of your posts. It's obvious you love your child. But there are bmom's that do not. There are parents that don't love their children that they are parenting. It's a sad world.
Manni, sorry if I overstepped here, but I really don't believe you meant anyone "here" on the forums didn't love their child.

[manni28]

WOW, your judgements never fail to amaze me manni. You talk about being judged, that we don't try to see things from other perspectives, and what not.

So I didn't WANT to raise me child? I'm glad you lived my situation and know what I WANTED. What I wanted was for my child to have the best life that he could. It broke my heart that I was in a place that I couldn't give him that, I wanted nothing more than to be his mom.

BTW, age has nothing to do with placing. I was 26 when I placed my son and my firstmother was 30 when she placed me. So we are lesser people because we were older huh? Since we weren't young we didn't place because we wanted a better life for our child and loved them that much? We placed them because we didn't WANT to be parents? That is what I am reading from your posts.

Belle,

As hard as it is to believe some women DON’T want to parent ( not saying you are one of them)! Some women are afraid “Mr. Right"won’t accept/love them as a “single parent”; some want to finish college and some were having an affair with a married man or the bmom was married to someone else. What is so hard to accept? Not everyone who gives birth wants to be a parent.

On another forum, there’s a bmom who, when separated from her hubby, became pregnant with another man’s child. She decided to go back to her hubby and kids, she place the child up for adoption. She now has an open adoption (visits with her bchild’s “other family”). To be realistic, I want to see how that turns out, ten years from now, when the “ gritty hard questions” are asked. But above all, I want to know how the child feels: bmom when back to her hubby and kids but placed her, and has visits!!!

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by feelingreyt

belle,
I can not speak for manni, but I don't believe she meant YOU did not love YOUR child. She was just saying that not ALL bmom's give up custody because they believe its the best thing for the baby. Every person is different and every adoption takes place for different reasons.
I have, personally, read alot of your posts. It's obvious you love your child. But there are bmom's that do not. There are parents that don't love their children that they are parenting. It's a sad world.
Manni, sorry if I overstepped here, but I really don't believe you meant anyone "here" on the forums didn't love their child.

I work with kids that are in a treatment facility, I hear horrors that you couldn't imagine that have been brought on these kids by family members. Trust me, I know some people don't want to be parents. Key word there being SOME. I don't get that from manni's posts. She is good with sweeping generalizations.

ETA: If there is anyone that thinks that there are people that shouldn't be raising kids, it is me, but a lot of women that I know that have voluntarily placed, could have been and do make awesome parents. I'm not saying ALL by any stretch of the imagination, but there are quite a few. Again, sweeping generalizations and pronouncements from on high are tiresome and sickening.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by manni28

WOW, your judgements never fail to amaze me manni. You talk about being judged, that we don't try to see things from other perspectives, and what not.

So I didn't WANT to raise me child? I'm glad you lived my situation and know what I WANTED. What I wanted was for my child to have the best life that he could. It broke my heart that I was in a place that I couldn't give him that, I wanted nothing more than to be his mom.

BTW, age has nothing to do with placing. I was 26 when I placed my son and my firstmother was 30 when she placed me. So we are lesser people because we were older huh? Since we weren't young we didn't place because we wanted a better life for our child and loved them that much? We placed them because we didn't WANT to be parents? That is what I am reading from your posts.

Belle,

As hard as it is to believe some women DON’T want to parent ( not saying you are one of them)! Some women are afraid “Mr. Right"won’t accept/love them as a “single parent”; some want to finish college and some were having an affair with a married man or the bmom was married to someone else. What is so hard to accept? Not everyone who gives birth wants to be a parent.

On another forum, there’s a bmom who, when separated from her hubby, became pregnant with another man’s child. She decided to go back to her hubby and kids, she place the child up for adoption. She now has an open adoption (visits with her bchild’s “other family”). To be realistic, I want to see how that turns out, ten years from now, when the “ gritty hard questions” are asked. But above all, I want to know how the child feels: bmom when back to her hubby and kids but placed her, and has visits!!!

manni,
See my above post. Come work at my job for fifteen minutes, I know there are plenty of parents that don't want to or can't be parents for whatever reason. Again, I'm not an idiot, although you seem to think that I am.

I just wish you would put away your sweeping generalizations and if you need to speak about people who don't want to be parents, don't make it sound like everyone that places their child....

[manni28]

I can not speak for manni, but I don't believe she meant YOU did not love YOUR child. She was just saying that not ALL bmom's give up custody because they believe its the best thing for the baby. Every person is different and every adoption takes place for different reasons.
I have, personally, read alot of your posts. It's obvious you love your child. But there are bmom's that do not. There are parents that don't love their children that they are parenting. It's a sad world.
Manni, sorry if I overstepped here, but I really don't believe you meant anyone "here" on the forums didn't love their child.

Feelinggreyt:

Once again you "understand"-thank you!

It all seems reasonable to me, Manni.....it's not an issue of adoptive parent is better or birth parent is better, it's an issue of who has the custody of the child. Along with the priviledge (sp?) of custody, comes the responsibility of welfare. And part of that is controlling what your child is exposed to and when.

And considering that this is something that BOTH you AND the birthmother agreed to, I think you're handling it just the way you said you would. To me, that's ethical, that's fair and it's your perrogative.

Mom2zach:

Thank you-as the parent of the child it is MY right! And if anyone thinks other wise, sorry, as the parent it's my right!

[Mommy24]

Ok! There have been many times that I have felt that Manni was making an overall assumption of birth parents, this is not one of those times. Manni is simply trying to say that not EVERYONE want to be parents, those were her words, NOT EVERYONE, so before jumping all over her and applying our own crappy situations on her, maybe we could really look at what she is saying??

[thanksgivingmom]

Manni, may I ask at what age you think is age appropriate to tell you son about his adoption?

Also at what age are you thinking of possibly telling him about his biosib?

I'm just curious. You've mentioned that it's your decision, which I understand and respect, and that you'll tell him, but when do you think?

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

Ok! There have been many times that I have felt that Manni was making an overall assumption of birth parents, this is not one of those times. Manni is simply trying to say that not EVERYONE want to be parents, those were her words, NOT EVERYONE, so before jumping all over her and applying our own crappy situations on her, maybe we could really look at what she is saying??

It was the want that got me, she's right, not everyone that can get pregnant wants to be a parent, but just because people get pregnant at a not so great point in their life doesn't mean they don't WANT to be a parent, they just realize it isn't the best choice.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by manni28

Thank you-as the parent of the child it is MY right! And if anyone thinks other wise, sorry, as the parent it's my right!

Manni, please let us know where on here anyone has once said "it's not your right to make that decision."

I really think we all GET that. Just because some would make a different decision doesn't mean we don't understand it's your decision. We GET what your rights are....I'm really beginning to feel talked down to on this point. Like we're too dense to get it....no one's challenging you on this point.

[manni28]

I just wish you would put away your sweeping generalizations and if you need to speak about people who don't want to be parents, don't make it sound like everyone that places their child....

Belle:

What I said was an example of another misrepresentation of OA/adoption. Not all bmoms who place want to parent. It's a fact, not all women who can give birth wants to raise a child.

[Stormster]

But even if a woman is self aware to know that she wouldn't be a good parent and chooses to place I think it is a leap to say she doesn't WANT to parent.

I can't imagine any woman in her right mind wouldn't wish she was not in a situation to have to make that choice.

I don't understand the need to even create these artificial categories. I doubt there is a birth mother who fits entirely into one or the other anyway.

[manni28]

Ok! There have been many times that I have felt that Manni was making an overall assumption of birth parents, this is not one of those times. Manni is simply trying to say that not EVERYONE want to be parents, those were her words, NOT EVERYONE, so before jumping all over her and applying our own crappy situations on her, maybe we could really look at what she is saying??

Michelle:


THANK YOU! I know we have had our differences, but I know you know what I mean

[manni28]

I can't imagine any woman in her right mind wouldn't wish she was not in a situation to have to make that choice.

I don't understand the need to even create these artificial categories. I doubt there is a birth mother who fits entirely into one or the other anyway.

Stormers:

Please stop being naive! I'll place my hand on the bible, I'll give the link to the other website . There are several bmoms, who were preggos with another man's child, when back to hubby to raise their children and place the other one for adoption. PM me.


TGM:

I'm not talking down to anyone; I'm just firm on where I stand.

[Stormster]

Manni I hear that and I totally believe it but do you really think the choice was that easy for them? Don't you think part of them agonized over having to make that choice?

I think the only thing we can be sure they didn't "want" was having to be in the situation of having to place the baby in the first place.

One can make the decision to place and still want or wish to have been able to parent. Call me naive but I believe most women who place fall into that category. And most of them love their children despite the difficult choices they make.