[1971.mom]

Johns first birthday was yesterday-what a wonderful day we had.

All day I carried my cell phone hoping to hear from his firstmom. We didn't. We had one visit with her in February. It lasted for about 2hrs and included a little drama and concerns associated with her own life and circumstances. We had hoped for a little give and a little take in our relationship. Enough to know some little things that might be meaningful to John in the future-we get very little. We don't have an address or a phone number to reach her-but she knows ours. We are lucky enough to be able to leave messages for her at work-but have only done so once-seeking a visit from her-which did not pan out.

I have thought about her alot the past couple of days.

I lost a baby at 22 weeks gestation 11yrs ago July-and still have trouble with the month of July and that silly song from Dumbo "Baby Mine". I watched the movie with my oldest just before bed on the night before the surgery that followed my miscarriage. That was how I lost my first baby boy.

I am left with the need to question her silence and her
absence-because of my own experiences, but hold no
harsh feelings for her because of them.

The son we share because of her gift does not replace the one I lost-but allows me to share in the experiences that I had already imagined in the 22wks of dreaming about what my unborn son would be like. Does her loss hurt any more or less than mine did, because during her pregnancy she had planned for me to raise him? I wonder.

Birthdays in adoption are also anniversaries aren't they?

They are reminders of how our beautiful children have grown, and because of our plight and struggles to raise them, reminders that we ourselves have grown too.

Those are my thoughts for today....

[Fran27]

I'm just thinking it's probably not a day she wants to celebrate. Sorry for your loss

[Tazer]

Wow, 1971 you sound like the ideal Mom in an open relationship and I you. Coming from the heart of a reunited B-mom my thoughts might not be what you are seeking but here goes:
Please continue to remain open to the possibly of contact from B-mom in the future. As you so lovingly shared, she is probably grieving and since her loss doesn't involve an actual death it's on-going, unresolved really, and may take a long time. A year is really a very short time with all the work she has to do. I placed my daughter in a closed adoption but even if I'd had the option of open I don't know how much contact and exposure I was strong enough to bear those first few years. Most of those years passed in a blur. I needed to find myself first...and I didn't feel worthy of contact with her A-parents back then. In time she just may be able to provide you with all the input you desire for your little one.
In my mind after my daughter was placed her birthday was just that...HER BIRTHDAY; the day I gave her away; before that she was mine. It represented the day I no longer had her as my own. I didn't feel her kick anymore, didn't spend days wondering who she'd look like, didn't worry about labor or anything. It was the beginning of "our end" together. In time it got better but it wasn't a cause for celebration at first. It wasn't viewed as a milestone at first, more like the end zone.
These are just my thoughts, OK? You are doing the right thing by seeking on-line support and most importantly by caring so much. I applaud you. Take Care...Tracy ps Happy Birthday to the Wee- One!

[finallyamom0310]

I will say that although our DD's First Mom did recognize her first bday, there was some issues that arose out of our communication at that time. I attribute a lot of it to her not really feeling like celebrating but mourning still the loss of her being able to parent DD and to celebrate with her at her milestones. Hang in there even though it is difficult at times and keep the lines open for her to come to you when she is ready.

[1971.mom]

Thanks guys for your responses.

From the little contact we have had, I think I see that see is accepting and moving on. She has moved back home (from having moved far away), she has a steady job that she says likes, and is reconnecting with old friends.

For some reason I want to think that we have a connection-whether or not we do-strange of me maybe.

I feel the need to have concern for her without being responsible for reacting to her possible negative choices and actions-kind of like the way I feel about my ex-husband. Is that a weird comparison?

I mean, I can look at the calendar and think to myself-today used to be mine & my ex's anniversary or today was his birthday without really feeling the need to voice it or say anything out loud, but that doesn't mean I didn't remember to mark the fact of the occasion.

I figure John's firstmom at least had that moment for herself-but because I DO have the need for the "connection" I just wish I was able to KNOW that she did.

Or if she had the need to talk to someone about her feelings that she actually got to talk, and with someone that understood how she felt.

Her other children have been taken from her by family members who where protecting the kids from her bad choices. She was keeping the adoption private from her family. I think that perhaps they might think she did the right thing by placing him-seeing as what their actions where previously. I think if that is the case she might be able to mend fences with them and have support from them again.

Just alot of me worrying about her in general. I wan't her to be ok at least for John's sake. What if I never get to know her enough to answer his questions or for him to feel like adoption itself is okay. I know sometimes its not-but what we all want is what is best for our kids-that why we went with OA-right?

I've learned that making plans doesn't mean that things go according to them. The unknown is always what is the scariest. I still feel like I'm intitiled to the "OH SH** " moment when I realize that things have spiraled away from the plan.

For now I'll just raise him and love him-and hope the right answers come when the time is right.

[Stormster]

My goodness you could be ME! E's first bday was last Thursday as well!

I found that when I couldn't tolerate my own feelings (guilt mostly) I wanted her to be "better" ASAP and really it's her life, her decision, her own process.

I too had possibly unrealistic expectations of what our OA would look like. Some days I just felt numb with disappointment but now it is what it is and it's just good and that's fine with me.

When they start selling the guidebook on Amazon let me know!

[thanksgivingmom]

For me, birthdays are complicated. They're not easy for one thing, and yes, they are celebrations of her birth, but are also anniversaries of the day the child is no longer with me.

Also, I worry about overstepping and crossing a boundary on her birthday. Does her Mom really want to hear from me? In the heart of their celebration does she want her phone ringing with the reminder that she's not Cupcake's Only Mom on the other end? I don't know...so I don't call. Or even email.

I sent an email the next day asking how the birthday went though.

We all process differently and react to birthdays differently. Just because she doesn't reach out to you on his birthday doesn't mean she doesn't acknowledge the date in her own way. Believe me, I live this

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

For me, birthdays are complicated. They're not easy for one thing, and yes, they are celebrations of her birth, but are also anniversaries of the day the child is no longer with me.

Also, I worry about overstepping and crossing a boundary on her birthday. Does her Mom really want to hear from me? In the heart of their celebration does she want her phone ringing with the reminder that she's not Cupcake's Only Mom on the other end? I don't know...so I don't call. Or even email.

I sent an email the next day asking how the birthday went though.

We all process differently and react to birthdays differently. Just because she doesn't reach out to you on his birthday doesn't mean she doesn't acknowledge the date in her own way. Believe me, I live this

No kidding huh? I mail a card to my kiddo and that is as good as it will ever get. Am I happy that he is alive to celebrate his bday? Sure, we almost lost him that day after all. BUT, it has been made clear that I am not his family, so to me a phone call would not be welcome. I know I will NEVER be invited to a birthday party.

For me, his birthday, although a day to celebrate, is also a day to grieve, and I probably will forever. It may be hard to accept, but moving on happens SO slowly and it is circular. I might move on for awhile, but something might happen and I am back where I was four years ago, alone, desperate, depressed and losing my only child.