[Gs_Mom]

I am asking because I am genuinely curious, so please don't flame me.

A lot of people here seem to think that OA (and by that I mean an adoption with substantial contact and visits after placement) is the way to go because it is in the best interest of the child.

I can see that it would be beneficial to the birth parents for peace of mind, etc. But, I have not heard of any research that shows it is beneficial to the child to have an OA versus a semi-open adoption.

So ... why is having regular contact/visits better than occasional updates? Why exactly is it beneficial for the child? What benefits have you seen in your child? Is it just conjecture? How can you know until they (your children) reach adulthood?

We have semi-open adoptions ... know the background information and send updates. With DS #1 we get an occasion request from the birth mom for an update and I keep in touch with her aunt every couple of months by e-mail. With DS#2 its too early to say, but I am sending periodic updates through the agency. Our sons are surrounded by people who love them and will know their adoption story (they are too young to get it now).

Really curious.

Thanks

[gracemetcalf]

A good question and one I'd like to see replies to as well. My husband, who is adopted himself but has no interest in finding his birth parents, is firmly against open adoption for us. He's willing to accept semi-open (written contact and through a mediator/agency only).

[belleinblue1978]

I placed my son into an open adoption after I grew up in a closed adoption.

This is what I know about why I chose open adoption for my son. I grew up with so many questions and so many things that I needed to know. My son won't have to do that. My son won't have to wonder why I made the choices for him that I did, he won't have to wait until he is at least 18 for those answers. My son gets to grow up being loved by many people, and really, what kid can be loved by too many people? My son will never have to search for me and live in fear that he will be rejected by me when he is an adult. For every adopted person that isn't interested in searching there is one that is, I was one that was, and I when I did find my firstmother, I was given silence, I've never heard from her ever, after I attempted contact. I won't have that for my child, I won't allow him to feel that pain as adult, because he shouldn't have to. When a child is placed for adoption, they are thrust into a situation that they didn't create, but that they have to live with. I will be strong, put my feelings aside and be there for my child when he needs me.

Open adoption isn't about me, and really, I get offended when people assume that it is, because it is about my child. Trust me, there are MANY days when I wish that I didn't have to deal with my son's parents and the fact that I'm not his only mother. Sure I get to watch him grow up and that is great, but at the same time it can be completely crushing emotionally.

Open adoption isn't about the parents, it is about the child, completely and totally.

As far as studies, I'm betting that Brenda will be along shortly and she can provide you with a link to a study that does show that open adoption has positive results when handled properly by the adult parties.

[Gs_Mom]

Belle,

Thanks for the honest/heartfelt response.

I am curious why there must be visits, etc. in order to acheive those benefits. It seems to me that most, if not all, are also present in a semi-open adoption.

Again, I mean no disrespect. I am just exploring this issue as (like everyone else) I want what's best for my family.

Please also note that I am NOT asking for the benefits of a closed v. open adoption.

[belleinblue1978]

Let me ask you this: Why shouldn't there be visits? Why shouldn't my son grow up knowing that I am someone worth knowing? Same goes for my parents and brothers, they are worth him knowing as well.

Do your children's first parents ever write letters to them? You mention contact, but only in one direction. I guess I fail to see the benefit of that to a child. To me the point of contact is that a child gets their questions answers and needs met correct? Adoption isn't about the adult parties, it is about the child.


Alot of people see firstparents and families as extended families. It doesn't work for everyone, granted.

As far as open vs. closed, really, unless the communication is two way, I don't see much "openness" in a semi open adoption. As far as myself comparing the two, well I have experience in both, and I am telling you why I see that a completely open adoption is beneficial to my son vs. a semi open adoption where the communication is one way.

[sbaglio]

Originally Posted by Gs_Mom

I can see that it would be beneficial to the birth parents for peace of mind, etc. But, I have not heard of any research that shows it is beneficial to the child to have an OA versus a semi-open adoption.

Actually, that's not quite true. There is a growing and significant volume of research available. This link has been posted before, but take a look at the Key Findings, and the extensive list of references. There is information on degrees of openness, and children's satisfaction (or lack thereof) with contact with their birthfamilies:


MN/TX Adoption Project

[BlessedbySnuggs]

Hi GS_Mom...I think Belle's answers were really good, and I feel the same as she does; however we are in an open adoption with DD's birthmom (birthfather doesn't want anything to do with any of us) we currently do not have visits as we are on the other side of the country from them. We do communicate quite often. There are periods when she won't respond (for whatever reason) but normally after awhile she will e-mail or text me....doesn't call too often. I think when DD is older we will probably take visits out there to see her, because I do want her to know who she is. She is a very important person in our lives, and I don't want DD to not "know her" until she turns 18. Our open adoption hasn't gone extremely smooth, granted DD is only 10 months old, but I figure we are going to do our part to keep the communication open. I know DD's birthmom loves her so much, and I have been keeping the e-mails she has sent so DD can one day read them and know how much she loves her. I don't know if I am answering your question, but I guess the main point is that I want DD to be able to ask questions and have the answers for her, whether its from me or her other mother!

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by sbaglio

Actually, that's not quite true. There is a growing and significant volume of research available. This link has been posted before, but take a look at the Key Findings, and the extensive list of references. There is information on degrees of openness, and children's satisfaction (or lack thereof) with contact with their birthfamilies:


MN/TX Adoption Project

I knew someone would have the link for that study! Thanks!

[gracemetcalf]

This reinforces, I think, that every situation is vastly different and what works for one child/parent(s) may not work for others. My DH's rationale for wanting closed or semi-open (one-way contact as you describe Belle) is that he never wanted to know his first parents at all and he is grateful he was never put in the position of having to turn his back on them. He feels that giving the child the opportunity to meet at 18, when it is their choice, is preferable. I will share with him these other points of view however. Thanks!

[Gs_Mom]

Thanks for posting the link. I will take a look at it. It is true that I had not heard of it

And, I agree. Belle's response was great. I was just probing a bit more.

Looking forward to anyone else's responses to the questions.

Thanks!

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by belleinblue1978

Let me ask you this: Why shouldn't there be visits? Why shouldn't my son grow up knowing that I am someone worth knowing? Same goes for my parents and brothers, they are worth him knowing as well.

Awesome question posed Belle.

Cupcake (my DD) is only 20 months old, so our.contact so far is mainly between myself and her Mom. But we've had a couple visits and are currently planning another. Why? She won't remember the visit she had at ten months right?

Of course she won't - BUT she'll have pictures from that visit, she'll know I was always around, and these visits that we're having now lay the groundwork for the future. Does she "get" adoption now? I doubt it! But that doesn't mean that having me in her life will hurt her future understanding.

As for who the OA benefits, I'm with belle....it's not all about me. I know it's not about me when I'm sobbing crying on my way TO a visit. Not tears of joy, but tears of fear, of nervousness, of so many emotions. Visits and everything are HARD on me as a firstmom. I'm not visiting for me, crazy as it may sound. If it was about me, I would have cancelled the last visit. But I got there, I saw Cupcake, I spent time with her, and I worked on that foundation for the future, as well as worked on developing the relationship with her Mom.

Semi is fine for those that it works for...however it's been MY experience with semi open adoptions that often the adoptee is the least involved member. Often the primary communication is between the first parents and the adoptive parents. Sometimes the adoptee doesn't even know that the parents are in communication with each other.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by gracemetcalf

This reinforces, I think, that every situation is vastly different and what works for one child/parent(s) may not work for others. My DH's rationale for wanting closed or semi-open (one-way contact as you describe Belle) is that he never wanted to know his first parents at all and he is grateful he was never put in the position of having to turn his back on them. He feels that giving the child the opportunity to meet at 18, when it is their choice, is preferable. I will share with him these other points of view however. Thanks!

I understand where he is coming from, I do, BUT why would a child have "turn their back" on anyone if they grow up knowing that they have access to their firstparents? If my son decided he didn't want contact as he got older, that would be his choice and even though it would hurt me, that would be fine. I'm working on a laying a foundation now though so that doesn't happen. If I am a regular part of his life, it will just be natural, there won't be any choosing. No I don't insinuate my way into their lives, I am respectful, in fact I am usually the one that has to set boundaries. I write my son a letter once a month and include pictures. I talk on the phone occasionally with his mom, dad, and kiddo, and we get together two to four times a year. I'm not there to coparent or anything else.

Remember, kids are only as confused as the adults around them and I'm not confused about my role at all. I carried him and gave birth to him and I gave him the life that I couldn't. If he thought that I was that much more wonderful or wanted to live with me or whatever else, I would send his fanny packing back to his mom and dad, because I'm not his mom.

Reunion is hard, you are trying to get to know relative strangers. My first brother and I STRUGGLE with it all the time. Again, while I can see where your DH is coming from, I wouldn't wish the struggles of reunion on anyone either, no matter how great it is, it is still hard to deal with all of the emotions.

[mommieof2cuties]

Originally Posted by gracemetcalf

This reinforces, I think, that every situation is vastly different and what works for one child/parent(s) may not work for others. My DH's rationale for wanting closed or semi-open (one-way contact as you describe Belle) is that he never wanted to know his first parents at all and he is grateful he was never put in the position of having to turn his back on them. He feels that giving the child the opportunity to meet at 18, when it is their choice, is preferable. I will share with him these other points of view however. Thanks!

I joinned a support group when we moved, I have not found my birthfamily yet, been working on it! wished my adoption was open, it is so hard going through life wondering...is that my mom??? Is that my dad??? But most important is I have little medical and the one thing that pisses me off the most is saying to my doctors I am adopted in a private closed adoption and have no idea about my medical history because back than the agency that was used didn't forced birthmoms to provide much. However, almost evert guy in my support group, claims the same thing you shared about you're husband, and I am wondering why men feel this way? I am not saying all just the ones I have been in contact with who have been in closed adoptions, don't men have the same medical questions as women do?

I have since adopted and had my own, and we have open adoption, we have complete medical, and we work very hard bmom has some personal issues, but we still work very hard to make sure she is part of DS life and our life. We wouldn't ever close her out, because I never want my son to say to have to go through what I have done through in life, those sleepless nights of wondering, never really fitting in, all the love in the world, cannot replace the loss of my birthparents that I don't have in my life.

I also need to add, that I am a birthmom, in an open adoption, and yes at times it is hard, but in the end as another bmom on here said, it is about the child! not about us the adults!

Summer

[mommieof2cuties]

FYI: When we do visit with bmom, we take many pictures, and I go to CVS and make a photo book for her each time, I think it is like 10.99 it is 5 by 7 in size I think hard cover, and I make one for my son, so they both always have a copy and it has the date and moments that they share together...

[gracemetcalf]

Originally Posted by mommieof2cuties

However, almost evert guy in my support group, claims the same thing you shared about you're husband, and I am wondering why men feel this way?

Great point-- I often wonder if gender plays a role. DH's sister (also adopted) opted to reunite, his older brother (also adopted) chose not to. Who knows?