[greenrobin]

Although it's not for certain, there is the large possibility that we may have a newborn placed with us before fall. Long story, but we're moving to termination with a near 3, near 5 yr old and b-mom, they think, is expecting.

Here's the problem:

A colleague of mine lost a baby at 27 weeks in April. I have known her since she was in high school and now we work together--and I'm about 20 years older than she is. Great girl, works hard, very broken over the loss of her child. Two others in our building are also pregnant, one is due at the same time her daughter was.

We did not plan to increase our family--again--but it's just happening. I've not even told anyone at work, besides the boss and the human resources people for FMLA purposes. I cannot bear the idea of causing her pain. We'll be returning to school on Monday. I have no intention of flaunting my "maybe baby" but it's going to be a little weird, just leaving if/when the time comes.

I've actually committed myself to saying nothing at this point.

So, ladies, I need to know, what did you/would you want from a friend who was "expecting" that would...I don't even know how to word this!

How do I avoid causing major hurt? How can I share my happiness without increasing her sorrow?

[kelceesmom]

Very difficult but if it were me I would be even more hurt if I found out after the fact. I know there is going to be pain no matter what but I think she deserves "a heads up" if you are close with her. It will give her some time to get used to the idea too. But, you know her best. Good luck.

[minibus]

Just my opinion, but I think that it would help if you acknowledged her hurt/sorrow and told her. Something along the lines "I don't want to cause you further pain, but I also feel close to you and didn't want you to find out from someone else ..."

[Familynotcomplete]

Originally Posted by minibus

Just my opinion, but I think that it would help if you acknowledged her hurt/sorrow and told her. Something along the lines "I don't want to cause you further pain, but I also feel close to you and didn't want you to find out from someone else ..."

This is how I'd wish to be told. I can relate to your coworker since we cannot have anymore children even with intervention....

[Tazer]

First of all let me say congrats on the possibility of the new members! Also, how nice you are to be so considerate. I am posting b/c I've been of BOTH sides of this uncomfortable coin recently. First of all I became pregnant 11 years ago and suffered through a stillborn birth at 21 weeks, just days before my d/h sister discovered she was pregnant. We also work together so I was constantly near her. She actually prepared and brought a lite lunch to my home one day and said "Tracy, I know you're due back in on Monday and I needed to share some news with you before I share with the office. She then told me prefacing it with "I'd never hurt you and if it ever gets painful come to me and we'll talk." She was great and to this day almost 11 years later I still remember the moment.
Fast forward to 10 months ago; d/h has the "snip & cut" in 99' after another loss and my BFF is told in Dec. she'll likely never conceive after several miscarriages. Two weeks later I am shocked when my ob-gyn confirms my pregnancy. I remembered what my S-I-L did and I fixed lunch for my BFF we hugged, we talked it out, cried together and she is now the proud Godmother to my week old son. Take Care...Tracy

[RobinKay]

When I was pregnant with bio son #1 I had a friend who was struggling with infertility. When I found out I was pg, I went straight to her--told her before anyone else in a private conversation. We talked about why me and not her-she had been trying and trying, and knew dh and I wanted to wait to start our family.

We are still friends--I think the private conversation is the way to go.

[akcskye]

I can only speak for myself...but what hurt me almost as bad as my miscarriages was people "assuming" that they were helping me by keeping them out of the loop on their baby news.

I know this is probably putting words in her mouth...but here's how I would think and say if I was her.

While the thought was nice, don't treat me like I'm not a member of "the group" just because my pregnancy didn't turn out how I had hoped.

I am a strong woman. Yes, I will feel jealous, I will feel hurt...but not as hurt as someone assuming I would be jealous and hurt.

Also, lend me an ear when I need to talk about my loss.

I know it's uncomfortable when your pregnancies/adoptions have been successful, but if I am coming to you to talk, there's a chance that I'm not being able to talk about it on the homefront, or perhaps, no one on the homefront understands.

Let me take part in your celebration, and allow me to wallow in my sorrow if I need to.

If it's a bad day and I can't face hearing the stories, I'll let you know.

Just don't exclude me when I already feel that God has excluded me.

[cbrink7]

Originally Posted by akcskye

I can only speak for myself...but what hurt me almost as bad as my miscarriages was people "assuming" that they were helping me by keeping them out of the loop on their baby news.

I know this is probably putting words in her mouth...but here's how I would think and say if I was her.

While the thought was nice, don't treat me like I'm not a member of "the group" just because my pregnancy didn't turn out how I had hoped.

I am a strong woman. Yes, I will feel jealous, I will feel hurt...but not as hurt as someone assuming I would be jealous and hurt.

Also, lend me an ear when I need to talk about my loss. I know it's uncomfortable when your pregnancies have been successful, but if I am coming to you to talk, there's a chance that I'm not being able to talk about it on the homefront.

Let me take part in your celebration, and allow me to wallow in my sorrow if I need to.

If it's a bad day and I can't face hearing the stories, I'll let you know.

Just don't exclude me when I already feel that God has excluded me.

YES YES YES!!! You could not have said it better. My DH and I lost twins at 20 weeks in Jan. They lived for too short of a time and then passed away. I was recently excluded from a baby shower of a really great friend because they assumed how I felt. I was very hurt when I found out from my mom and sister that they were invited and I was not. Maybe don't send me an invite but shot me an email saying I am invited and I can make the decision-it was hurtful to just be excluded It all worked out fine when we discussed it (she is a wonderful friend ). For me yes I am saddened about losing my baby boys (I always will be-I do not need a baby shower to think or miss my boys), but that does not mean I can not be happy about a friends joy and share in it. Not knowing news like that makes an already lonely experience even lonelier-KWIM I will warn you that she is probably at the height of her grief so it may be a little different then if you told her a few months down the road, but tell her privately and just take her response as the great friend you are!

Good Luck

[greenrobin]

Thank you all very much!

Part of the reason behind not talking about this is due to it not being confirmed yet.

The main part is that I have been so torn as to how to approach my friend. Having never lost a baby I carried, I didn't know how to start.

Thank you so much for your wisdom. You've eased my mind immensely.

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by akcskye

I can only speak for myself...but what hurt me almost as bad as my miscarriages was people "assuming" that they were helping me by keeping them out of the loop on their baby news.

I know this is probably putting words in her mouth...but here's how I would think and say if I was her.

While the thought was nice, don't treat me like I'm not a member of "the group" just because my pregnancy didn't turn out how I had hoped.

I am a strong woman. Yes, I will feel jealous, I will feel hurt...but not as hurt as someone assuming I would be jealous and hurt.

Also, lend me an ear when I need to talk about my loss.

I know it's uncomfortable when your pregnancies/adoptions have been successful, but if I am coming to you to talk, there's a chance that I'm not being able to talk about it on the homefront, or perhaps, no one on the homefront understands.

Let me take part in your celebration, and allow me to wallow in my sorrow if I need to.

If it's a bad day and I can't face hearing the stories, I'll let you know.

Just don't exclude me when I already feel that God has excluded me.

All I can say is WOW. Your post needs to be printed in Womans Day magazine or read on OPRAH. I am printing this one out. Tracy

[akcskye]

Thank you both for your kind words.

That is the first time I've ever written about how I felt after my miscarriages, and the further exclusion from friends and their baby news.

It was actually therapeutic...so thanks.

Originally Posted by Tazer

All I can say is WOW. Your post needs to be printed in Womans Day magazine or read on OPRAH. I am printing this one out. Tracy