[mdesi]

How do you handle people, usually well meaning, that make the claim that people should adopt to save a child? Or assume that you are doing it to save a child?

DH and I have decided that we are adopting to build our family, not save a child. We really try hard to make sure that people understand that our child will not be a charity case, and that we are not doing this to achieve sainthood. We think it is a terrible burden to put onto a child, too. However, it seems that this another general misunderstanding that the public has.

[Fran27]

It's sadly not a misconception. I've actually heard lots of people say that they want to adopt to 'give a poor kid a home' or because 'so many babies need a home' (most of which go the healthy newborn route mind you, because we know that so many healthy newborns won't find a home). It makes me cringe every single time.

Adopting should be wanting to add a child to your family, not making it a charity case.

[lovemy2boys]

There are very few things that get under my skin, in relation to "comments" about adoption...

This is absolutely one of them!

I just read an interview with Gwyneth Paltrow where she was asked if she wanted more children...She basically said that as a person of means, it is more or less her obligation to give a child a home (as per her conversation with Madonna).

Umm...thanks for the charity? Grrr

[OakShannon]

I agree! A milder version that I think stems from the same sentiment that adoption is a kind of charity is, "Oh, he's so lucky to have you." We get that quite regularly and it bothers me that he's going to hear it. We didn't take him to be charitable - we did it because we wanted to be parents and he was the answer to our prayers. We are the lucky ones.

Is he lucky to be adopted? Lucky to have lost his entire birth family? Lucky to have been taken into foster care at birth? Somehow, no one thinks to comment about how lucky children are who are born into stable families and raised by their birth parents. I know it's a well meaning comment, but children deserve families and loving parents and I never want Daniel to feel that he's supposed to feel grateful for that.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by OakShannon

Is he lucky to be adopted? Lucky to have lost his entire birth family? Lucky to have been taken into foster care at birth? Somehow, no one thinks to comment about how lucky children are who are born into stable families and raised by their birth parents. I know it's a well meaning comment, but children deserve families and loving parents and I never want Daniel to feel that he's supposed to feel grateful for that.

So true!!!!!!!!

[akcskye]

I respectfully agree to disagree.

Though it is QUITE clear that my children are NOT a charity case, nor ever will be...going through my miscarriages LED me to adoption for the very reason you folks say irritates you.

I didn't HAVE to have kids...I could've taken it as God's sign that if I didn't have a biological child, I wasn't meant to have any.

Instead, I took it as a sign that I was more "needed" to be a mom to a child already here, who needed a mom so badly.

Let's face it, we ALL want to help our children be in the best, most loving environments we can be in.

We do it FOR them...and NO, we do NOT ask for sainthood (I, for one, don't even mention the kids are adopted except on a need to know basis, like doctors and dentists)...but I think we tend to turn anything positive about what we do into a negative because we ARE so selfless...and it just doesn't seem right to get offended by others that are simply holding our choices to adding a family in admiration.

Do people who have survived car wrecks that are lucky to be alive resent people agreeing they're lucky to be alive?

There's not one adoptee that I know (except those that were adopted into horrible conditions) that doesn't feel at least a "little" lucky someone was there for them when it seemed no one else was.

And, what is wrong with your child feeling grateful you adopted them? No, you shouldn't hold it over their head like "you will forever owe me"...but for them to verbalize or others verbalize to you that they're lucky...you KNOW that they mean post-adoption...of COURSE it is automatically understood that in a perfect world, everyone would be raised in a loving home with a mature COUPLE for parents, and never an adoption case ever.



That's just my take on it, anyway.

[Tazer]

Hi Mdesi; I'm not an a-parent I'm actually a b-mom but I can so relate to your post and your feelings behind it. My "pet peeve" is how I gave "this wonderful gift to parents who wanted a child to raise." Ugh...gag me! Never ever have I either been or known anyone so generous that they'd present an unknown couple with the gift of a child. Its stupid to even think I'd carry a baby 9 months and give it to someone just to make them happy! I was a pregnant 16 year old not a canidate for sainthood and never once did anyone else's feelings and well-being other than my unborn daughters enter my mind.
I also agree to disagree with akcskye. I know there are exceptions to every rule but most of the a-parents I know adopted b/c they wanted children, for whatever reason, not b/c the kids needed them. I have a best friend who adopted a girl after having 5 boys! Its obvious she didn't do it b/c of the child's need, heck the child was in utero when she was selected to parent, but she only agreed after it was determined the baby would be female; it was her own desire/ need to raise a girl, period.
I also know people unable to conceive who will only foster kids whose parents are making every attempt to regain custody. They have no desire to adopt. Not only do they foster but they hold fund-raisers to help support families in need with donations, (car seats, pampers, $$$, cribs, food etc.) and I honestly feel they are doing this "for the child (ren.)"
I hope I'm not bashed for my opinion, its only that. Tracy

[aclee]

We got this attitude initally by all the sets of grandparents. You would have though DH and I were next in line to be Sainted by the Pope once we "saved" Ty...cause if we hadn't taken him, he would have been left on a street corner to pan handle for his room and board or something. I quietly told them Ty was a blessing to us, as much as we were a blessing to him. He saved DH and I as much as we could ever have saved him. I told them to make no mistake, we wrestled Ty from the grips of 1,000's of other families that would have taken him home in a heart beat. We never heard it again from our families. We get a lot of "bless your hearts" from strangers though...not specifically for "saving Ty" though so we take the blessings. Can't ever have to many of those.

[MamaS]

I also disagree. While I do not want my children to feel indebted or obligated to me, I do want them to realize how fortunate they are -- they live in a country with free education for all, they have a family who can provide food, clothing, non-essentials, love, laughter, and joy.
When there is a thunderstorm I tell my son how fortunate we are that we have a roof to keep us dry AND how good that God sent the rain for our garden and flowers.
The Christians of Bennett Chapel in Possum Trot, Texas felt that it was their Christian duty to adopt. That does not mean they love their children any less than someone who adopted because of infertility. And I think if you asked their children, they would say they were lucky to be adopted, rather than spending their childhoods bouncing from one foster home to another.
Luck is so much more than a winning lottery ticket. It is a blessing from God on all the parties involved.

[dpen6]

as an adoptee when I was told I "should be grateful in made me feel "less Then" as a child.

Every child desreves a roof over their head and food in their belly. If you are going to put an extra dose on gratefullness on a child just because they are adopted, or adopted internationally I say we all that have bio children do the same thing. But we don't do that, because it is a given that because they were born they will get the basics. THEN they can go on to be ungrateful for other things. Having 5 of my own I see that happening!!! LOL.

We should ALL be grateful for having good parenting, and I am. But let me figure that out for myself. Your children will figure it out for themselves. They DONT need to be told..."see, thats what you COULD have lived with...aren't you LUCKY" Its demeaning.

Yes, all children need to learn gratitude, but not because because of their adopted status.

You would not tell a born to you child..see, your lucky you are breathing because you could have died. Its the same thing.

[trixila]

We adopted b/c we wanted to be parents. This whole topic is iffy for us, though. The decision to adopt domestically was driven by the fact that my husband had placed his daughter for adoption back in 1979. As it turns out, both of our children were born to birthparents who were not in a position to parent. While these wonderful birthparents hearts were in the right place, it was very clear that adoption was truly in the best interest of the child. Child abuse, neglect, drug abuse, CPS taking away children, jail, all of these factors were present. My son and daughter will have a better life than if they had remained with their birthparents. Would I ever share this information with people telling me that my child is lucky to be in my home? Heck no! So I demur, and say "No, I am the lucky one." Not every adoption has the drama that proceeded ours. But as we have open adoptions, I do see that the children being parented by our children's birthparents do face a harder road in some aspects. The comment that 'they are so lucky to have you as parents' does have a foundation of fact. My kids are being raised in a two parent home, our insurance covers some of their therapies, we can afford private schools (barely) and stability reigns. However, I have become totally used to people constantly telling me how lucky my kids are.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by dpen6

as an adoptee when I was told I "should be grateful in made me feel "less Then" as a child.

Every child desreves a roof over their head and food in their belly. If you are going to put an extra dose on gratefullness on a child just because they are adopted, or adopted internationally I say we all that have bio children do the same thing. But we don't do that, because it is a given that because they were born they will get the basics. THEN they can go on to be ungrateful for other things. Having 5 of my own I see that happening!!! LOL.

We should ALL be grateful for having good parenting, and I am. But let me figure that out for myself. Your children will figure it out for themselves. They DONT need to be told..."see, thats what you COULD have lived with...aren't you LUCKY" Its demeaning.

Yes, all children need to learn gratitude, but not because because of their adopted status.

You would not tell a born to you child..see, your lucky you are breathing because you could have died. Its the same thing.

Thank you for saying what I was thinking so eloquently. I hate it when people tell me I should be grateful.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by trixila

We adopted b/c we wanted to be parents. This whole topic is iffy for us, though. The decision to adopt domestically was driven by the fact that my husband had placed his daughter for adoption back in 1979. As it turns out, both of our children were born to birthparents who were not in a position to parent. While these wonderful birthparents hearts were in the right place, it was very clear that adoption was truly in the best interest of the child. Child abuse, neglect, drug abuse, CPS taking away children, jail, all of these factors were present. My son and daughter will have a better life than if they had remained with their birthparents. Would I ever share this information with people telling me that my child is lucky to be in my home? Heck no! So I demur, and say "No, I am the lucky one." Not every adoption has the drama that proceeded ours. But as we have open adoptions, I do see that the children being parented by our children's birthparents do face a harder road in some aspects. The comment that 'they are so lucky to have you as parents' does have a foundation of fact. My kids are being raised in a two parent home, our insurance covers some of their therapies, we can afford private schools (barely) and stability reigns. However, I have become totally used to people constantly telling me how lucky my kids are.

In as much as that may be true, your children will figure it out for themselves, to be told by qanyone else, or to have others proclaim how they should be grateful is an insult. you adopted because you wanted children, the fact that the peole that "should" have given them food and shelter could't is sad for the child. they don't need to feel an extra layer of guilt because adoptive parents took in this POOR child. You want o increase confidence that these kids belong with you, to infer that they should be grateful could do the opposite.

Like i said, they will be grateful for their lives and will understand on their very own. Please don't tell them they "should" be.

I know for a fact I was better off and I am grateful I was brought up in the family I was. BUT, I am NOT grateeful I had to be adopted in the first place. Thats sad.

[Vogi2002]

I tell people that it is truley us who are eternally grateful for the gift that are my kids. I also tell them that it is US who are grateful for thier beautiful birthparents....for choosing us, for trusting us.

I am never rude, because they don't mean it rudely. But I do get irritated.


Oh yeah...except for those that say I am a hero specifically because my kid's are black & I am white. Oh yeah...then the beast comes out. LOL

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by dpen6

as an adoptee when I was told I "should be grateful in made me feel "less Then" as a child.

Every child desreves a roof over their head and food in their belly. If you are going to put an extra dose on gratefullness on a child just because they are adopted, or adopted internationally I say we all that have bio children do the same thing. But we don't do that, because it is a given that because they were born they will get the basics. THEN they can go on to be ungrateful for other things. Having 5 of my own I see that happening!!! LOL.

We should ALL be grateful for having good parenting, and I am. But let me figure that out for myself. Your children will figure it out for themselves. They DONT need to be told..."see, thats what you COULD have lived with...aren't you LUCKY" Its demeaning.

Yes, all children need to learn gratitude, but not because because of their adopted status.

You would not tell a born to you child..see, your lucky you are breathing because you could have died. Its the same thing.

dpen6...well said! Tracy