[akcskye]

Well, I took the OP in the context of adult to adult...other adults telling the adoptive parents the children should be grateful or lucky, yada yada.

I would NEVER tell my children they should be grateful...but when they thank me for being a good mom, I can't help not to hug them and tell them "that's what a moma does"...so it's nice to hear it, and I don't think a child should be stifled from saying thanks.

You know?

I mean, I realize in a perfect world, I would be child-less right now. But, the world is not perfect, so it is nice sometimes to hear others that speak in positive light about what we've done...perhaps they'll consider the same thing.

My kids were 9 and 10 when adopted...they weren't babies...with the statistics of aging out so high...at those ages...not many would have considered them...so in that respect, yes they were lucky...but not for having to be in the situation in the first place.

If any of my clarification makes sense. haha

Originally Posted by dpen6

as an adoptee when I was told I "should be grateful in made me feel "less Then" as a child.

Every child desreves a roof over their head and food in their belly. If you are going to put an extra dose on gratefullness on a child just because they are adopted, or adopted internationally I say we all that have bio children do the same thing. But we don't do that, because it is a given that because they were born they will get the basics. THEN they can go on to be ungrateful for other things. Having 5 of my own I see that happening!!! LOL.

We should ALL be grateful for having good parenting, and I am. But let me figure that out for myself. Your children will figure it out for themselves. They DONT need to be told..."see, thats what you COULD have lived with...aren't you LUCKY" Its demeaning.

Yes, all children need to learn gratitude, but not because because of their adopted status.

You would not tell a born to you child..see, your lucky you are breathing because you could have died. Its the same thing.

[nikkianni]

My daughter is not lucky to have us. We are lucky to have her.
Had we not been chosen to be her parents, some other couple would have been blessed. So I guess I see things from aclee's perspective.
Our wonderful DD would have had a family, there are as aclee said thousands of couples waiting out there. We were the lucky ones to be chosen. We are the lucky ones who get to hold her, cuddle her, comfort her and raise her. That's our blessing, not hers.
Due to DD's developmental issues, we've heard a lot that we were "so good to take her." Like she's a damaged stray or something. I'm not even nice to those people. This is my child. Not my key to sainthood.

[finallyamom0310]

Originally Posted by nikkianni

My daughter is not lucky to have us. We are lucky to have her.
Had we not been chosen to be her parents, some other couple would have been blessed. So I guess I see things from aclee's perspective.

This is exactly what I was thinking, Thanks Nikki for saying it. I feel blessed each and every minute that I look at DD and one day hope to adopt again. When/If we do we have decided to adopt an older child since we hear how many are in they system that need forever homes. Not to make them lucky to have a family but to make our family grow and us lucky to have found them.

[ocracoke]

As an adult adoptee I feel so completely lucky that I was raised by the people I was raised by. It is not that I was adopted but that I some how ended up in the family I was meant to have. However, I do not want anybody telling me that I should feel lucky. I clearly remember as a kid "how lucky you are" to have been adopted. And I hated it. I mean why was I "lucky" to have found my parents through adoption but all my friends were not "lucky" to have found theirs through birth?

I adopted my daughter for purely selfish reasons. I wanted to be a mom! Plain and simple. And even more selfish -- I didn't want to give birth. For me, becoming a parent had nothing to do with charity, it was all about me. Becoming a parent is selfish, being a parent is selfless. My daughter is not a charity case, and I think I can safely say that as she openly defies me at every request (she is 3 years old) that she certainly doesn't feel like a charity case either.

Samantha

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by ocracoke

As an adult adoptee I feel so completely lucky that I was raised by the people I was raised by. It is not that I was adopted but that I some how ended up in the family I was meant to have. However, I do not want anybody telling me that I should feel lucky. I clearly remember as a kid "how lucky you are" to have been adopted. And I hated it. I mean why was I "lucky" to have found my parents through adoption but all my friends were not "lucky" to have found theirs through birth?

I adopted my daughter for purely selfish reasons. I wanted to be a mom! Plain and simple. And even more selfish -- I didn't want to give birth. For me, becoming a parent had nothing to do with charity, it was all about me. Becoming a parent is selfish, being a parent is selfless. My daughter is not a charity case, and I think I can safely say that as she openly defies me at every request (she is 3 years old) that she certainly doesn't feel like a charity case either.

Samantha

Loved your post!

In many cases adoption DOES = saving a child, in many cases it does not.

I think the point is that even if a particular child was saved from the horrors of being with biofamily, or the horrors of being raised in their native country, what the child DOES't need to be told How lucky they are.

I am so glad your child doesn't feel like a charity case....sounds like a little spitfire who is very confident ....hehe...love it!

[leenie71]

Originally Posted by nikkianni

Had we not been chosen to be her parents, some other couple would have been blessed. So I guess I see things from aclee's perspective.

Another ditto on this....my well-meaning and lovely MIL says stuff like this all the time to me. I just told her the last time she said it that we want to be parents like everyone else. No need for medals or praise for wanting a family as we had always planned. And I even mention that maybe I would feel that I was actually "saving" a child if we planned on adopting children older than newborn, as there are so many older kids in the foster care system who need and want a forever home. In that way, I feel selfish for wanting a newborn.

Anyway, I have to try not to sound so irritated when I hear these comments again....

[mdesi]

Originally Posted by MamaS

I also disagree. While I do not want my children to feel indebted or obligated to me, I do want them to realize how fortunate they are -- they live in a country with free education for all, they have a family who can provide food, clothing, non-essentials, love, laughter, and joy.
When there is a thunderstorm I tell my son how fortunate we are that we have a roof to keep us dry AND how good that God sent the rain for our garden and flowers.
The Christians of Bennett Chapel in Possum Trot, Texas felt that it was their Christian duty to adopt. That does not mean they love their children any less than someone who adopted because of infertility. And I think if you asked their children, they would say they were lucky to be adopted, rather than spending their childhoods bouncing from one foster home to another.
Luck is so much more than a winning lottery ticket. It is a blessing from God on all the parties involved.

Although I truly get what you are saying about an attitude of gratitude in general, shouldn't children that join their families through biology also be grateful for these same things? That's really not the attitude I was speaking to in my original post. I was talking about the people that just assume that people adopt to save children. As another poster pointed out, people foster to save children. (I have a close friend who really has devoted her life to saving local children, and physically caring for them in her through her own fostering - w/o taking a DIME from CPS for their care - is just the beginning of her ministry for children.) Also, what both of us described is the excpetion and not the rule, but the excpetion is what gets the most press.

I do want to say that what you described is OUTSTANDING parenting, so I really don't want to diminish your message. I think all parents should be teaching their children that these are things to grateful for no matter how they joined their families.

[beverlyanderic]

It seems as though the people who make these comments could be saying, "I couldn't/wouldn't do what you are doing." I found that this is the case with my siblings and in-laws who will not consider adoption. Some people simply are not interested in parenting a child that they did not conceive, for whatever reason.

Now that my son understands some of what people are saying, I have to make a habit to say "I'm the lucky one" more often. Lucky for me, we don't get these comments much now that he's home for so long. We heard this a lot when we shared the news of our adoption choice before our son was born. This post was a good cue for me anyway!

-Beverly

[Dhewco]

Call me a nutter, but I feel lucky to have grown up with the parents I did. They were my birthparents, they loved me, and they showed it . . . for the most part (long story).

It doesn't matter how one got the parents that bring them to adulthood. If there's love, guidance, and companionship, it's lucky and we should be grateful God (or whatever you worship) sent those people into our lives. It could have been so much worse.

I agree with posters who said that you should not tell someone their lucky. If what I say above is what is happening in their lives, they'll know it. They may not word it, but they know it.


David