[jalapeno]

Ok, here's a spinoff from Supamodel's thread which got me thinking today.

Question for all of you: Do you enjoy sharing your adoption story and talking to others about adoption (when the subject happens to come up)? Others being people that you kind of know but aren't too close / mere acquaintances.

I don't particularly mind that people know we adopted. Anyone paying attention will figure it out anyway since my boys are only 4 months apart in age. But I really try to avoid talking about very much beyond that. And so I tend to avoid bringing up the adoptions since I don't want any follow up questions. The adoption process itself was incredibly emotionally difficult for us. And I definitely don't think it's anybody's business that our children were in the foster system - it just seems like some people are so judgemental about foster children. I occasionally meet people who have also adopted or are thinking about it. But even then I just don't enjoy the topic. I LOVE talking about my kids of course. And I love talking about the ways in which they're different from me and speculating about what they'll be like when they're older. I don't mind talking about adoption as a part of who they are. But I don't like talking about the adoption process.

On the other hand, so far it seems to work best for me to be up front about my boys' ages and our adoptions when someone asks. More often than not that's the end of the discussion. Whereas if I'm in a snippy mood and try to avoid saying the obvious then sometimes people will really push the issue.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by jalapeno

Ok, here's a spinoff from Supamodel's thread which got me thinking today.

Question for all of you: Do you enjoy sharing your adoption story and talking to others about adoption (when the subject happens to come up)? Others being people that you kind of know but aren't too close / mere acquaintances.

I don't particularly mind that people know we adopted. Anyone paying attention will figure it out anyway since my boys are only 4 months apart in age. But I really try to avoid talking about very much beyond that. And so I tend to avoid bringing up the adoptions since I don't want any follow up questions. The adoption process itself was incredibly emotionally difficult for us. And I definitely don't think it's anybody's business that our children were in the foster system - it just seems like some people are so judgemental about foster children. I occasionally meet people who have also adopted or are thinking about it. But even then I just don't enjoy the topic. I LOVE talking about my kids of course. And I love talking about the ways in which they're different from me and speculating about what they'll be like when they're older. I don't mind talking about adoption as a part of who they are. But I don't like talking about the adoption process.

On the other hand, so far it seems to work best for me to be up front about my boys' ages and our adoptions when someone asks. More often than not that's the end of the discussion. Whereas if I'm in a snippy mood and try to avoid saying the obvious then sometimes people will really push the issue.

Since everyone we know was aware of our plans to adopt ds out of his foster care situation, everyone knew he was adopted.

I try not to let it be the first thing new people know about him, though. Sometimes when I see that an adult needs to adjust how they are working/interacting with him, I will share some of our story.

We are happy and proud of our son--but he is getting older and soon it will need to be his choice to share.

[Cjmeck]

You know, when we first adopted my dd, I loved talking about her adoption. For us, it was just a perfect, miraculous experience. But, like you said, the follow up questions are just horrible to deal with. Since my dd is biracial, and we are not, we obviously attract attention and curiousity. But lately, I absolutely refuse to tell strangers that she's adopted. Usually they'll ask if she is a foster child (which she is not). Then they'll ask if she was a drug baby, why did her "real mom" give away such a cute baby, why didn't they have any "white babies" left?? Ect... That's why I don't bother talking about it with strangers; unless of course it is obvious to me they are adoptive parents as well. I just don't need the drama when all I want to do is buy some groceries!

[mom2behappy]

My kids are just that my kids I brought them all home from the hospital and except 1 my oldest none has ever had or seen any bios. While me and my kids talk adoption all the time its not something i discuss outside of my home my kids are just that to me my kids. my oldest daughter one time tole her friend that she was adopted after the friend asked why her and her siblings didn't look alike and the friend began to tell her her real mother must have been a "crackhead" because they are the only ones to throw their kids away. suprisingly my daughter wasn't bothered at all simply stater my real mother is right there and she's far from a crackhead, you should know because your real mother is always boring money, sugar or eggs from her. as far as the person whose stomache I grew in your right she is a drug addict but thankfully it doesnt affect my life. my daughter is 8 will be 9 in December. since this incident she has chosen not to share her story and that is her call. I simply do not tell any of my childrens stories; if asked I will admit they are adopted thru fostercare, but other than that I don't tell their personal stories. I will be glad to discuss fostercare/adoptions in general.

[finallyamom0310]

As I ready the OP I had two thoughts about what is really being asked here. I can tell you that I love to talk about DD's adoption story. But what I read seemed to be do we talk about the adoption process. NO. I really don't feel the need to talk about the whole process unless it is to someone getting ready or thinking about adoption. Although ours worked out for the best in the long run, the match to TPR was a difficult, full speed ahead roller coaster that we were on and that I don't talk about.

I love my DD with all my heart and one day I will probably stop talking about her adoption and let her tell her story but till then, I do talk about the story not the process.

[ourdreamcametru]

Because Castle looks so different from our family it comes up almost every trip out of the house. I truly don't mind talking about it and sharing our experience with others, I feel like maybe talking about what a blessing it is might encourage somenone else to consider it. We've been lucky to not have had very many bad experiences when talking with people so that helps our attitude.

[inhiswill]

In our situation, it is very apparent that DD is adopted. She is AA we are CC. So in essence we deal with "questions" several times a week from random strangers. The most common question is "What country is she from?". I also have had the "How much?" , "Foster child?", "Why did bmom give her up?".......

In general, I just politely say that DD is our blessing, smile and walk away. If someone seems genuinely interested in adoption then I will give them our agencies site, or encourage them to research on their own. I am huge on.....the rights that DD has an an adopted child. Her info is her info alone, and random people do not have the right to "know" her story. I also think that while she is an infant it is good practice now to "deal" with all the questions and comments, because in a few short years, she will know exactly what people are talking about concerning how she came into our family.

[ocracoke]

I, too, can not hide my daughter's adoption as it is transracial. Although lately a few people have commented that she looks just like me. LOL I think the only thing that is similar between us is ATTITUDE. I love talking about her adoption. I love talking about the process -- which was not all peaches and cream but not a real horror story. Part of our relationship is the adoption. And I am proud of it. I also have also loved talking about my own adoption (which was out of the foster care system). It all depends on your personality I guess, my sister (bio adopted with me) hates hates hates talking about our adoption. And I have to say that these days I know very few people who are not in some way touched by adoption.

I was sitting at my daughter's gymnastics lessons the other week and in her class alone there is a boy adopted domestically, a boy adopted from Vietnam, a girl adopted from Taiwan, and a mom who has just enetered reunion with her bio family. And those are just the ones that I KNOW of.

Samantha

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by inhiswill

I am huge on.....the rights that DD has an an adopted child. Her info is her info alone, and random people do not have the right to "know" her story.

I agree and I think it's a good point - particularly for those of us whose children are of a different race because it comes up all the time. And I do find myself trying different responses now when he is an infant so that I can come across as being positive about adoption (I don't want him to think there's anything wrong with it) without getting into a lot of detail. I try to imagine how I would have felt as a kid if people were constantly asking if my mom was my mom or wanted to know personal info about me - and how I would have wanted my own mother to respond.

[cmcmanigal]

I love to talk about our adoption experience with friends, family and others if they seem genuinely interested in a positive way. DS is AA and we are CC and I am really surprised how infrequently we are asked questions. I pretty much never get any questions when just me and DS are out together. We get questions sometimes when all three of us are out though. So far we haven't had any negative experiences.

A few distant relatives have tried to dig for info about his BMom and I always say, "She's great. We love her." and leave it at that. One woman asked if DS was from foster care, but it turns at that she was a foster child herself and was very positive toward us.

I think if people are digging for info in a nosy, judgemental way then the less they know the better. When DS gets older I want him to decide who he shares his story with.

[Betelnut]

I brought my daughter home from Guatemala about nine months ago, so it is all still sort of "new" to me. I am 46 and a single Mom.

At first, when asked, I would ALWAYS say, "She's my daughter...I just adopted her." After a few months, I realized that I was doing my daughter a disservice to always mention her adoption, especially to strangers. Just the other day, for the first time, I was content to give the simple answer and no more. Someone asked if she was my granddaughter or goddaughter (I get that a lot since I'm older). I just smiled and said, "No, she's my daughter." And left it at that.

If someone asks, point blank, if she is adopted, of course, I say that she is. I've also had people ask me "Where is she from?" and I'll say, "Originally from Guatemala."

But I realized that qualifying her as "adopted" every time was wrong. Strange that it took me a few months to really realize this. I think it was because she was so new to me and the adoption experience was still so intense in my mind. Plus, we are certainly an "odd couple" and, for some stupid reason, I felt like I needed to "explain" us. ("Odd" because I'm a white as a lily, "old" fat lady with an adorable, brown as a nut, little girl!)

But no more! Strangers don't need explanations! She's mine and that's it! Final!

[c.a]

I love talking about adoption. I tell total strangers about his adoption all the time. Right after they tell me how adorable he is I say, "Yes he is my miracle unexpected adoption. We weren't planning to have kids at all. Told DSS that we wanted to do foster care for teens. They gave us an eleven month old baby boy and six weeks later changed his goal to adoption. In fact, he's so fantastic that we're doing the paperwork for adoption number two."

For me he really is such a great blessing that I could talk about his adoption all day.

I do appreciate your comments about it eventually embarrassing him - or at least opening up the conversation with him to see how he feels about it. For now (he's three) I feel that being open and openly celebrating his adoption will encourage him to feel positive about it.

[Betelnut]

Originally Posted by c.a

I do appreciate your comments about it eventually embarrassing him - or at least opening up the conversation with him to see how he feels about it. For now (he's three) I feel that being open and openly celebrating his adoption will encourage him to feel positive about it.

I agree that being positive is important but I also think that always mentioning it could make him feel different rather than special.

I guess it depends on the child though...

[jalapeno]

It's really been an interesting experience for me trying to work out a balance and thanks for all the responses so far. I certainly agree with others that it is first and foremost my childrens' story to tell. But it will be years before they can articulate any sort of opinion with regards to how much information to share and in what manner. And I want to be able to help guide them in that journey. And I want to gain some experience dealing with others on this issue so that I can give them good options for how to respond when people ask questions. For myself, I don't think I ever bring up the topic outside of immediate family and several very close friends who've also adopted. It's just not anybody's else business - particularly the details of my kids' histories. And I'm a relatively private person anyway. But it's also not a secret and I don't want my kids to ever get the impression that it is. I've discovered that I really hate lying about it on any level. My boys are so close in age that people often assume they're twins. I used to just go along with it with people I didn't know (if they happened to actually ask). Just to simplify the conversation. But I don't do that anymore - not because I care whether they actually know the truth but because I don't feel like I should be forced to lie just because some random person happened to ask a question. Of course there are times when my answer to the question being asked is "none of your business". The other thing is that my kids' will each likely have different opinions from each other as to how much they want to talk about their adoptions. And I'm sure they'll change their own minds depending on their mood and experience. So I fully expect to tweak my own approach as the years progress.

[powderpiggy]

Mostly I like talking about DS's adoption as it really was a miracle for us, but It really depends on who I am talking to. I don't typically tell strangers or people I have just met, unless they already know we adopted and are trying to get info on the process.

I enjoy talking to Friends and family about DS's adoption, his birthmom, and our relationship with his bmom. Talking about it is a great way to educate people about open adoption. There are so many misconceptions about open adoption. Some people just don't understand how an adoption can be open, but I see that as a chance to inform the uninformed. For example, DH's brother came to visit recently and he had no idea we kept in contact with DS's birthfamily or even enjoyed visiting with DS's birthaunt and cousin. He couldn't understand why we would want to do that. Until we talked about open adoption and explained it to him.