[Croo]

Hi..I'm new here. I guess I'm just looking for a little advice. A few days ago I found out that my 14 yr old cousin is pregnant. She is in an unstable environment & my family is working on getting her out but her mom is convinced she is to get an abortion. My cousin is totally against that, which is good. I have offered to adopt her baby (& even have her move here if she'd like). I'm 29 & engaged to be married (to a man who may not be able to have children), however this may have to take precedent (we've been together 8 yrs. so what's another). Is the adoption process easier when it is family and all agreed to? Will we have to jump through all the "hoops" or can it be a simple process? This is all so recent so she has not made a decision (luckily for her she has a wonderful family with many options), I guess I'm just curious what would be up ahead for my fiance & I if she takes me up on my offer. Also, any others who have been through this? I'm also curious as how to explain to a young one after an open adoption when it's a family member they will see yearly...I don't think it would be that uncomfortable but this is all new to me. Thanks to any & all info/advice.

[chrisandaaron]

Yes, it would be easier if it is all agreed to. Not necessarily because it is family. You'll have to check the laws in your specific state, but it is likely you will have to complete a homestudy. If she does decide to move forward with adoption, I'd definitely hire a good attorney and they will be able to lead you through things. Good luck!

[akcskye]

The only "kink" I could possibly see in your scenario is if the agency or state (whomever you're adopting through) has any sort of problem with a couple needing to be married, and if so, for how long of time.

Now, if you go through an attorney and do it "privately" I don't know if a marriage clause applies.

[Whirled_Peas]

There is an area under adoptive parents that is specifically for relative adoptions. I know essentially nothing about this, though I get the sense family dynamics can be changed forever and can get weird--though they don't have to. It depends on the family.

Also, remember that she has until after the baby is born to change her mind. What do you do if she decides to keep it? How would you feel about her if she did that? How would you feel about the baby? How would she support the baby?

[Betelnut]

What about the father and his family? Seems like he should be a factor.

[Croo]

Thank you all for the replies...sorry for my delay as I have been out of town. As for the questions...I'm still not sure myself. The father does play a role in this, even at the young age of 14. I'm not sure of his family involvement or if they even know. As far as my cousin, yea we would have some things to work out. Her giving birth & wanting to keep the baby and change her mind at the last minute is her right and I would hold no bad feelings against her or the child. She is very young & very confused I'm sure. Her mother has taken her phone & not allowed contact with our family so she doesn't even know of my offer or her many options. Our family is wonderful and we support her in any way! I'm sure I will have many more questions in the future as adoption may be the only way my fiance & I are to have children. Thanks again for all your help & advice!

[sbaglio]

A few things about this situation make me uncomfortable. First, she's 14 years old, and even if she can legally make an adoption plan for this child and go through with it (lawyers, please weigh in here), her parents should be involved in that decision. Despite the fact that her mother wants her to have an abortion, a girl of her age should not make such a life-changing decision as adoption of her child without her family knowing about it (and hopefully supporting her).

Also, the OP seems very supportive of this young lady. I don't know that adoption should be the first option. Have you discussed with her raising the child? If the family is supportive, that may be the best option for her. You don't want her to look back and regret a decision that she made at such a young age (she may also be grateful for the decision, I know).

Just a few things to think about.

[reetoreet]

I am currently in the process of adopting my cousin's child. A lot of it depends on the state you are adopting in. Also, if the BF does not consent to the adoption a TPR could get a little expensive in the way of legal fees. In my situation, I live in PA and my cousin lives in SC so an interstate compact is required. Therefore I had to complete a homestudy and all required clearances to be able to be approved to take the child out of the state she was born in. Some states require homestudies even if you are a relative. I would call and adoption lawyer and ask what your state considers a relative (some states do not consider cousins a relative adoption), and what is required. In SC it is the same as a regular adoption process. This is going from personal experience so your situation may be different.

[trixila]

Relative adoption can be tricky. The family dynamics will forever change. Get togethers will be affected by an adoption like this. Geographic closeness is a consideration. We were 'offered' the chance to adopt my husband's cousin's daughter's unborn child. They live four states away. Every situation is different, but we declined. We had been married 5 years and pursuing a domestic adoption, which happened shortly after all this. The birthmother ended up parenting, and her lovely daughter has really struggled with her birthfather moving away and starting a new family. I hope you find someone who has been through this, it is a different type of adoption. Good luck to all parties and especially that baby.

[alinev]

I don't know that adoption should be the first option. Have you discussed with her raising the child? If the family is supportive, that may be the best option for her. You don't want her to look back and regret a decision that she made at such a young age (she may also be grateful for the decision, I know).

This is not a "pro-choice" or "anti-teen keeping her baby" statement but I am momentairly gasping for air over the notion of a 14 year old having and raising a child. Even with mom's help, 14??????.

[karsonsmom]

Originally Posted by sbaglio

A few things about this situation make me uncomfortable. First, she's 14 years old, and even if she can legally make an adoption plan for this child and go through with it (lawyers, please weigh in here), her parents should be involved in that decision. Despite the fact that her mother wants her to have an abortion, a girl of her age should not make such a life-changing decision as adoption of her child without her family knowing about it (and hopefully supporting her).

Also, the OP seems very supportive of this young lady. I don't know that adoption should be the first option. Have you discussed with her raising the child? If the family is supportive, that may be the best option for her. You don't want her to look back and regret a decision that she made at such a young age (she may also be grateful for the decision, I know).

Just a few things to think about.

I agree completely that this option should be strongly considered and offered to her. As a matter of fact, I personally know 2 women from our small town who were both 14 and were supported and encouraged by their very shocked and very embarrassed (this was more than 25 years ago) parents. They did successfully parent their children, are proud grandparents today, and it worked out very well for their families. Not every family would have such an outcome, but I will go out on a limb here and say possibly many more would if given the chance....

[Croo]

Thanks everyone for your input...here's the scoop. I finally talked to my uncle tonight - my cousin is ok, she said she had a long talk with the BF & he has now changed his mind against abortion...they want to keep the baby. Come to find out the BF's mom also wanted the abortion, not sure what her view is now, hopefully supportive. The BF is 17, my cousin 14 - of course she doesn't have a job, he doesn't either. I think her mom is finally fairly supportive now, which is really good. I also believe they may move closer to my uncle, he's trying for custody since she's old enough to decide where she wants to live..which she said is with him. Of course this also means that 17 yr old BF may conveinently drop out of the picture (since she will be 2 hours away)...who knows. Our whole side of her family is fully supportive no matter what her decision. When speaking to my uncle tonight (we are pretty close, in age as well) he thanked me for the offer. I told him it still stands, seeing's how I have 15 years of experience & maturity on her, financially stable, etc. - but it is ultimately her & BF's decision. Maybe she will call me just to say HI, or even for some advice. All I know for sure is that I continue to pray for her and can only wish the best of luck to them both. She is a very mature 14 yr. old, but I still worry... I think back to when I was 14 - Couldn't imagine being a mom & a freshman in high school!!! Anyways... there you have it. That's my story. Thank you all for your advice, my eyes have to opened to all the intricasies that are involved with adoption. God bless all the birthparents that provide miracles and all the adoptive parents that grow these miracles.

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by alinev

This is not a "pro-choice" or "anti-teen keeping her baby" statement but I am momentairly gasping for air over the notion of a 14 year old having and raising a child. Even with mom's help, 14??????.

I have a cousin who was 14 and a best friend that was 15 who infact did give birth and with the help of their families raise both of their daughters. My BF's daughter is now 18 and on her way to college and my cousins daughter is in her senior year of high school and doing very well. Both mothers and their families will tell you it was very difficult but neither of them would change a thing.

Yes grandmas' did more raising while "mom" was finishing HS but to keep their families together made it all worth it to them.