[Proud2BHisMom]

Just wondering if any families are in an adoption with limited openess (exchange of cards/letters/photos thru the agency, no or limited visits with birth parent(s), etc). I'm interested in hearing your experiences. Is it working? Is communication really a two-way street? If you had to do it all over, would you still make this choice?

[startedover]

I entered into my daugthers adoption with no expectations of an open adoption. However, since we live in the same area I expected an occasional run in, which we discussed with birthfamily and just decided to handle it if and when it happened. (birthmom before delivery expressed that she didn't want to have to run into or see the baby and considered placing out of state) BUT once my daughter was born, I had so many emotions for her birth mom I couldn't keep from wanting to know she was ok and let her know that beautiful baby she had given birth to was doing wonderful. I asked iF if could giver her some pictures and a letter. She was excited to get them. I asked several times over the next few months to send up dates. Only a few times did she have to ask before I had sent them. That was 18 months ago and things continue to be "light" and easy between us. Now about every month or so I will text her a picture (like Happy 4th of July). She always response with a thank you but doesn't elaborate much, so I am assuming she has found her way to deal with the adoption and I don't push. Then again, out of the blue she will ask for a picture. We have seen each other about 5 or 6 times since the adoption and that seems to be enough for her. I hope you find the pace that fits your situation.

[Amber76]

We were more than willing to have a completely open adoption, but Ben's birthmom doesn't want that. We still send pictures and letters to the agency every month in hopes that she someday will want to see those and have some contact with us. I think every birthmom and every situation is different, so I hope that you are able to find a situation that feels comfortable for you and the birthmom who choses you.

[Linny]

We've adopted five infants---internationally, domestic transracial adoption; and are hoping for another AA baby.
The most 'open-ness' we've ever conducted, was limited with several updates/photos the first year; and annually---for only the first few years.
Two of our babies are now grown and on their own. In submitting for another AA baby, we've made it a point NOT to get involved with 18yrs of updates/photos, because we feel it could easily violate the privacy of our child after the first few years. Arguements can be made with any degree of open-ness, I know; but for us, we won't promise anything we're not sure about---especially for the NEXT 18yrs. We also prefer to 'not match' and be presented for babies that are already born.
It's worked well for everyone, in our situations.

Sincerely,

Linny

[SupaModel]

We have a semi OA. So far i've sent a letter and lots of pictures. I heaven't heard anything from Bmom yet. Not sure if we're ever going to open it more or leave it the same. Take it as it comes BUT we are very happy how things are now.

[tanmansmom]

We were uneasy with an open adoption. Thankfully, our bmom only asked for pictures and updates. We let her guide how open, and never put limitations on it, but we were quite thankful when she was firm in her decision to only have pics and updates. We don't have a set number per year and we don't have a certain number of years we agreed to send. I send every few months and plan on doing so until I hear from her that she no longer wants to receive them. I doubt that will ever happen. Linny, I NEVER, NEVER thought about TJ's privacy. I should have, you bring up a very valid point. Food for thought. I guess until he says that he has a problem with the pics and updates, I will continue to send.

[Dukefamilyest2001]

E's B-mom actually has an adoption prior to E's placement. From what I understand she receives letters and maybe a picture every 6 months I think. (Her daughter is now three/ fourish). I tried to get as much info as I can in case E wants to know when he grows up. She doesnt seem to mind an occasion hello from the other family.

[nikkianni]

I send letters and pictures to DD's bparents. That's what they reqested. They also asked that when the time came that she was old enough to want to meet them we help her with that.
Of course we agreed. It was actually the type of situation we were hoping for.
That said, I wish I had asked if it would be all right to contact them directly if anything came up with DD's health. She's had some issues that a more complete family background might help clear up.

[Cjmeck]

Our daughter's adoption with her birthmother is semi-closed. We send letters/pics to the agency and they are holding them there for her bmother. As of yet, she has not gone to get them or see them. We did not choose this level of contact. We wanted a semi-open adoption (sending letters/pics back and forth thru the agency) with the hopes of developing a relationship with a bmother and possible future visits. But, that's not what she wanted... So, my daughter is almost 7 months, so I guess its working out at this point. It hard writing letters to a person I don't know; and its hard knowing that at this point, my letters are unwanted. But I hope that time will change that for bmom.

[manni28]

We have a semi-open adoption for our son. When he is older, mature and ready, we have information that will help him navigate a relationship with his birthfamily if he wants too.

[Proud2BHisMom]

We committed to cards/letters/photos exchanged thru the agency. That is what we were comfortable with and what his birthmother was comfortable with. I sent a card and some photos when he was a few weeks old and again when he was about 4 months old. I am preparing another package of photos now. We haven't gotten any response and the agency reports they haven't heard from her since a week after placement. I felt a connection to her in our brief 1-hour interview and I think DH did as well. He mentioned that he would be willing to consider at least an annual visit. Prior to that interview, he was very uncomfortable with that. DH and I agree that should our son decide that he would like to meet her, we would want to help make that happen if she is comfortable with meeting him. We have one photo of her that our coordinator took when she TPR, which is on the first page of his scrapbook. Not saying I want to be fully open and not trying to be critical of her. I'd like one day to be able to read her letters to him (and for him to read them for himself) and show him her pictures or anything else she might send so that he has some idea of who she is.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Our adoption began as "semi-open" - meaning we didn't exchange last names or cities of residence, we sent updates through the agency, met the birthmom a few times just before and after the birth, and had one pre-planned visit when the babies were five months old.

When the girls turned one, we contacted the agency and asked them to contact the birthmom to see if she was willing to have complete openness. Since that time, we have had one more visit (geography is a challenge!) and we communicate directly with each other thru e-mail, snail mail and phone calls.

For us, semi-open seemed cumbersome - always having to route our updates and any communication thru the agency. Open has been great for us. We're all comfortable with it and the boundaries.

Adoptions are as unique from one another as any other relationship. Open, semi-open or completely closed - no one option works perfectly for everyone. The nice thing is that we all have choices!

[islandfamily]

We haven't been matched yet, but our agency has a policy that (in the domestic program) babies are not placed with couples less than 50 miles from the bmom's home.
Whether or not the bmom wants them, the adoptive family sends once-a-month updates to the agency with photos for the first 6 mos and then yearly updates with photos through age 18. The agency will hold them until the child reaches 18, in case the bmom changes her mind and later wants updates she initially refused.
That wouldn't work for everyone, but it was something we felt comfortable with.
Also, we will meet the bmom at least once, and possibly twice (once during the pregnancy and again at placement), but last names and home cities aren't exchanged.
We have been very impressed with our agency...a real improvement over the bunch of unconcerned, unprofessional jerks we worked with at the last agency. (If anyone wants info on either agency, please PM me and I will give you the names, etc.)

Good luck!

[Jensboys]

We have had a semi-open adoption (direct contact information exchanged but no visits) until just last week, when I took my 13 year old to meet his first family. Our 12 year old (full bio sib to 13 year old) chose not to go. Been blogging about the process and journey ...

Its been interesting, to say the least but we have ALWAYS said to the kids that when THEY were ready we would do whatever they wanted or needed.

I disagree with the arguement that it violates the child's privacy to send pictures or updates to the birth parent. we dont ask our kids permission to let them get to know grandma and grandpa, or spend time with our siblings.

These are our children's other PARENTS. Its rediculous to think that its a violation of the child's privacy to send pictures to the people that gave birth to them. Heck, its not like the kids permission was granted when they were given away to strangers (as in US their adoptive parents)

To follow that arguement, should we then wait to adopt the children until they can give their legal opinion at 18? To me that's just an excuse to make bparents out to be bad guys and scary. They are part of our kids family ... in the same way our parents, our siblings, our other children are part of our adopted kids families after adoption.

Jen

[manni28]

Jensboys:

I respect that you feel the way you do but not everyone feels the same. There are many aparents who feel that it is breech of privacy, and in a way, I have to agree (when the child is older let them decide). In regards to sending photos to our child/children’s “other” parents-sorry, you lost me there. My child only has one set of parents, and that’s me and my hubby. Not to be rude, everyone know how I feel about this subject , but if my child’s bparents were his parents-they would be raising him. Don't get me wrong, when he is older, mature and ready we will help him navigate a relationship with his bfamily if he wants.

I respect the way you feel but to criticize others who don’t agree, I can’t agree with that.