[adoptingourfirst]

We received a call yesterday from our sw letting us know that our birthmom came in the day before and is now having 2nd thoughts about placing. She hasn't made any firm decisions yet, but she thought that they should know. I was supposed to go to an appointment with her this morning, but that was cancelled via her request. It's not that she doesn't want to place with us, if she decides to place it will definately be us. She's just torn.

Part of me wants to be so mad at her, but I just can't bring myself to do so. I feel so sorry for her having to make such a huge decision. The reality of the situation is that the agency has paid 100% of her living expenses plus so much more in the last 7 months. She has no job, no family, no education. Without the agencies help she will have nothing after she gives birth. She went to WIC three days ago and they told her about all of the programs that they have available and that she would qualify for, so she thinks she can live on that. But she is due to give birth in the next couple of weeks and she hasn't even begun the application process. Personally, I know nothing of these programs, but I am assuming that if they are like any other governmental program they take forever to see any results.

My heart is so sad. Last week we had been told that the cost of the adoption was going to be almost 25% more than what we had originally been told because the agency had given the birthmom so much more assistance than they normally do. We decided after a brief cooling off period (a day )that we would do whatever it took to bring home our daughter. Now we may never get that chance.

I know I need to be patient and see how this plays out. She may realize that at this point in her life she is not prepared to parent, but then again she may not. It is totally out of my hands...I have to give it to the big guy upstairs to handle for me. I'm just so sad.

[KSC0917]

I am so sorry you are going through this My heart really goes out to you. It is such a hard decision for an emom to make and I certainly would not want to be in her shoes. I can see how part of you would want to scream with anger and the other (more reasonable) part of you just feels sad for this poor emom and her tough decisions. You just have to have faith that if it's meant to be, it'll be. (Hard to remember, I know)

Hang in there and remember that everyone here is available for your support.

Keep us updated & let us know how it all turns out.

[Whirled_Peas]

What a nervewracking time. I can't imagine what you are going through.

[kelceesmom]

You are in a difficult place right now. Many of us have been there before and understand your feelings. The hardest part is that you do have to step back and let nature takes it course. If it is meant to be it will be. Your emom has to make the decision many times over to as to whether or not to place. I would never want to be in her shoes. I am not strong enough. Take some extra time to pamper yourself and keep busy so your mind won't wander as much to what the "what if's" might be.

[trixila]

Stay very available to the birthmother, no matter how freaked out you may be. Our son's birthmother reallly began to waiver one month before delivery. Total shock, as she and birthfather had totally committed to the placement with us at 6 weeks. Our first adoption, her first placement (she had two sons). It was a big shock but our agency was there to advise us and act as liaison. She cannot be pressured by anyone, the decision has to come from her. I am so sorry that you have to go through this, it is all part of a domestic adoption. We had a happy ending but it was a bear to take those phone calls from the agency about the possible change. If you practice a faith, now is the time to draw on that foundation. It is so out of your hands. Everyone involved in our adoption wanted what 'was in the best interest of the child'. Be strong and hang in there. If your kid is on their way to your family, nothing can stop it from happening. If you have a partner, take extra good care of them. And drink lots of herbal tea with a chaser of calming lavender eyepack, because this is a huge stressor. I do relate to the cost, as by the time we rec'd the call about the snafu, our expenses were over 22K. You can always PM me, I have been in your shoes and am now the loving mother to two wonderful children through open domestic adoption. They don't call adoption a roller coaster for nothing!

[tinazimm]

I placed 17 yrs ago and what your emom is going throw is all the normal decision makeing which is what she must do when placeing. She needs to see if she can parent this baby. Look at all her choices. See what is out there for her and her child. It is all a healthy process in an adoption plan. I know this must be hard on you not knowing but also for her. she is not sure if she can parent or if she can let someone else parent this baby? Looking at all she has to offer this baby is healthy becouse than if she chooses to place her baby she can than release her child with knowing she looked at all her options and this was the best choice for her and her child. I understand it being so scary for your family so I wish you the best in this time. I to did the same thing and looked at everything and with a full heart decided it was best to place so than I never regretted not looking at all my options or thinking oh if only I knew about this or that was out there for me I could of kept my baby. I knew I looked at everything and this was best for me. Scary ride for both of you. my adoption story PictureTrail Best to you and hope this helps some. Tina

[beachey72]

You are at such a heightened emotional time right now. Rally the troops, pray like crazy and keep an open mind and heart. Hang in there! Our birthmother did back out 5 days after our daughter was born. Thankfully she took some time, did some soul searching and changed her mind back again. The next day we were reuinted with our baby girl. It has been 4 months now, the adoption is final and yes, we are breathing a little easier. Most importantly we are loving life as first time parents. My heart goes out to you as I understand what you are feeling. Your family and your birthmother will be in my prayers.

[HeidiK]

I think this Emom is verbalizing what so many go thru and I am glad that she is exploring all her options and looking at her situation from all aspects. Many woman have babies without jobs or homes or paper work filled out - and parent their children. Its so hard to NOT take this personally - but its not about you...its about this womans struggle to do what it best for her and her baby. Placing may or may not be her best option...I applaud you for having the courage to stand by her and support her no matter what she decides. This is not an easy process for anyone...may all involved be blessed

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by HeidiK

I think this Emom is verbalizing what so many go thru and I am glad that she is exploring all her options and looking at her situation from all aspects. Many woman have babies without jobs or homes or paper work filled out - and parent their children. Its so hard to NOT take this personally - but its not about you...its about this womans struggle to do what it best for her and her baby. Placing may or may not be her best option...I applaud you for having the courage to stand by her and support her no matter what she decides. This is not an easy process for anyone...may all involved be blessed

Very well said.

[RobinKay]

I will be thinking of you and praying for the best outcome for the child.

[longingforadaughter]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and the emom at this time. Try to stay strong and not stress too much.

Debbie

[adoptingourfirst]

I spoke with our agency on Friday and they had visited with her earlier that day. She said that she still wanted everything to be on hold for now, but that she had not made any decisions one way or the other.

I am trying...really trying to be patient and not give up hope, but this is truly a painful experience. It's the not knowing part that is killing us. If she hadn't been so adament about placing with us in the first place, I don't know if we would have gotten so attached. But we have and now the idea that it might not work out is just grueling.

I know she is going through a lot of emotions right now and that it is good for her to look at all of her options. I knew that the adoption path could be a bumpy one and that nothing is clear cut. It just still hurts.

Thank you all for your support, especially all of you birthmoms who have written me saying that you went through this same process. It helps me to hear that side of it. I can't begin to imagine how difficult a decision it is to make and I have to remember that whenever I start to get upset. You all are such a great source of strength and encouragement.