[kapsure]

In one of the recent threads I started, I read that many first mothers and adoptive couples who've had good experiences don't share as much on the forum..

So my question is this, would it be helpful to put together a website that is full of interviews and comments from both first mothers and adoptive parents that have been a positive experience?

[Whirled_Peas]

Originally Posted by kapsure

In one of the recent threads I started, I read that many first mothers and adoptive couples who've had good experiences don't share as much on the forum..

So my question is this, would it be helpful to put together a website that is full of interviews and comments from both first mothers and adoptive parents that have been a positive experience?

Yes. Though they're probably pretty busy enjoying their lives and less likely to be frequenting a place where they can share their stories.

We've done "EC" infant potty training, since my son's birth. I used to be on the EC group all the time. It was all so new and overwhelming. I asked tons of questions and got tons of help. I was also able to share our successes (and setbacks) with others. But now we're pretty far down the road so I really don't go there very often--almost never, frankly. I'd think adoption would be the same.

[lovemy2boys]

I do think, for the most part, people come here for support, because we are amongst people who are experiencing the same things we are, and many of us don't get that in our day to day life...

It's kind of like how I feel about DH - I may complain about him leaving his dirty shirts on his dresser instead of walking a mere 4 feet to our laundry shute...or believe that if I don't make it to heaven, I will spend eternity listening to the constant jingling of his belt buckle as he tries to get dressed in the dark for work....grrrr.....but that doesnt take away from the millions of wonderful things that he does every day that make me love him to pieces...

Although this analogy is like comparing apples and hammers (I believe I swiped this one from TGmom - lol), it is the same feeling for me...I come here to vent my frustrations and ask for the help I need...and even though adoption can be very challenging at times (and it really can be), I wouldn't change my situation for the world...

From time to time I've seen threads where people ask for positive stories from all sides of the triad, and there is some great participation...They are very heartfelt and uplifting, and great to read, especially at times when the boards seem to be pretty heavy...Maybe you can post a thread on each of the triads forums, and ask for some uplifting stories...I know I LOVE to read them!

[ocracoke]

I think what you tend to find is that the people who are most vocal on the groups are people who are seeking support. People who are continuing to struggle in some way with adoption. However, I know many positive adoption stories. As an adult adoptee and an adoptive mom I will say that most of the positive stories I know include that population. And I always like to hear the positive stories.

BTW: I would consider my stories to be some of those positives ones.

Samantha

[crick]

I don't know...guess it depends on your definition of "Positive".

My thought is there is nothing in life that is rosy all the time. For me, life is ups, downs, and all the stuff in between. None of that means though that life is NOT positive. I have had more than my fair share of pain and sadness in my life and yet I feel I've had a positive life.

If I share the pain & sadness I'm NOT saying "My life sucks all the time and will forever", kwim?

So if there is a place where everything is all happy go lucky ALL the time, or say on some of the anti sites where it's nothing but pain and anger ALL the time, neither show the accurate picture of reality, imo. I just don't feel life works that way for most of society.

[RobinKay]

I'd really like to start a thread about positive outcomes of adoption. Not like the waiting for finalization thread, a thread for folks who have adopted and it's going well, and maybe for adoptees to share good experiences.

Our lil guy is doing great. He will always know where his bparents are, and we can write or call them. If we go back to FL, we will visit if they are not in jail!

My dh is adopted and that has never been an issue for him, no desire to search, no confusion about who he is.

I think our story is pretty positive--we are loving our lil guy--sorry that his parents could not care for him, but happy to be blessed with our wonderful lil guy!

[Stormster]

I think reason "Happy Threads" don't stay that way for long is that they might come off as offensive to people who have had different experiences with adoption. I think as long as threads like this come across as real, they will not alienate or offend. I believe that most adoptions are neither all good nor all bad. I think people are just trying to keep it real.

Extremes aren't good. I just read a blog where "I" was referred to as an "adoptress" I really wanted to interject and I can promise you if someone called me that on A.com I would have responded politely. (I keep thinking Dominatrix, Jewess....LOL) I was like WHAT?

Well when aparents post that their adoption is all sunshine and roses I think they are not taking the entire triad into account. I'm not saying you can't post about all positive stuff but you can't ask people not to have opinions about it. You might want to read some of the birth mother and adoptee blogs so you can understand where some of the people who are going to be reading your thread are coming from. It will help you to be more circumspect when you post so you can get what you need from these forums.

[belleinblue1978]

[quote=crick]I don't know...guess it depends on your definition of "Positive".

QUOTE]

Exactly crick.

Me being adopted, even though I've had issues, is fine. I love my mom and dad they are great people. They are amazing parents, the stuff I have had issues with has had nothing to do with how they parented me. I wish I would have been brave enough to tell them my fears so I didn't struggle, so that is on me.

As far as placing my son goes, sure good things have come of it, I wouldn't be where I am today if I was parenting him. I'm not saying my life would be bad, but it would be tough and I don't know that I would have had the sucesses that I have. My son is happy and well loved and that is the most important result so that is totally positive.

I come here though to talk about stuff with people that understand. I live in a rural part of the country and would have to drive two hours for a support group. I have one real life friend that has placed. This place helps me not feel so alone when I am struggling. So really, this place is VERY positive for me, even when I'm not a super happy camper. It gives me a voice I wouldn't have otherwise.

[JustPeachy]

I would love to hear more positive adoption experiences from all sides of the triad and beyond. I do feel that overall, mine was a positive experience, but yes, there was pain involved too. Still, I don't feel as though my life has been so traumatized beyond repair or I have a gaping hole in my heart due to placing my child for adoption. That doesn't mean, however, that I don't have bad days or struggle with certain aspects of adoption. Still, I feel if I do express anything positive, it's not really validated here, and perhaps this is why:

I think reason "Happy Threads" don't stay that way for long is that they might come off as offensive to people who have had different experiences with adoption

I wonder if being "ok" with adoption feels dismissive to those who are still struggling?? I'm really not sure, but I would like to hear more of the positive things that came about because of placement. I do think there can be room for some positive discussion, and also, not everything is black or white. For every bit of pain and difficulty I went through in placing, I can think of a number of very good things that came of it. Why should that be discounted?

[zxczxcasdasd]

I've read that before too (that people here are the ones seeking support...so it's skewed towards the negative experiences). I can't speak for who here is having positive or negative experiences, but I disagree with the premise in general.

I just don't think that seeking support means you aren't having a positive experience. Frankly, I think if you do seek support you are more likely to have a positive experience. I think that people seeking support are probably people hoping to create positive experiences, improve their circumstances, handle things better, or want to enrich or support others.

I guess to me it's the same as saying that people in therapy are unhappy people. I don't think it's true.

[thanksgivingmom]

I always get pretty defensive (at least privately) when people say that people on here aren't positive or aren't living good experiences. I realize it might not be pointed at me, but I do take it personally. I'm on here a lot. I definitely use the sight for support but most of the time right now it's more "maintenance" you know? Seeking support here before it becomes something that negatively affects my daughters adoption. I'd rather work something out here on my own (with the awesome help of other forum members of course) before involving Cupcake's Mom, if it isn't necessary (i.e. talking through some of my crazy worries like emailing her too much or asking for a visit). YES, sometimes that means I get to complain, whine, or vent. Just because my daughters adoption isn't all puppy dogs and rainbows doesn't mean it's all thunder storms and scorpions either, you know?

Sometimes the negative threads just tend to take off more because they get more heated and controversial. But I gaurantee there are lots of positive threads and plain ol' advice threads too.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

I've read that before too (that people here are the ones seeking support...so it's skewed towards the negative experiences). I can't speak for who here is having positive or negative experiences, but I disagree with the premise in general.

I just don't think that seeking support means you aren't having a positive experience. Frankly, I think if you do seek support you are more likely to have a positive experience. I think that people seeking support are probably people hoping to create positive experiences, improve their circumstances, handle things better, or want to enrich or support others.

I guess to me it's the same as saying that people in therapy are unhappy people. I don't think it's true.

This makes alot of sense, Heidi...and you're right - support isn't necessarily because things are going negatively...

[Fe2002]

I have to admit, I believe that these boards tend to point towards the negative. When I first discovered this site, I was incredibly overjoyed but over time have come to view this site with a fair amount of cynicism.

At this point, I use the boards for parenting tips, product recommendations, and from time to time to offer a sympathetic ear to someone in need.

I'm sooooooo happy I didn't get deep into this site while going through the adoption process. Thus far my semi-open adoption experience has been incredibly positive. I have a healthy, smart and beautiful DD and the start of a healthy relationship with her birthmother.

[akcskye]

I have started a thread called the positive of older child adoption in the foster care and adoption section.

I think I have maybe 3 or 4 stories shared and the rest thank yous...out of a whole 15 or 16 posts.

When I did that, I truly wanted those who are coming to this site for information, like I did back in September of 2004, to receive both sides of the story.

Not everyone has a negative post adoption story. I call it post adoption because almost every adoption has a sad beginning.

It's what happens AFTER the child is home is what most of those new to this site are wanting if adoption is their goal (birth family or PAP).

But, as in "real life"...good news gets old fast.

It doesn't get attention like drama does. And we are all creatures of habit...drama or upset is what gets our attention because all of us have that "I want to help" in our blood.

My adoption story, IMO, is surreal, especially considering the ages and circumstances in which we adopted. We adopted a 9 and 10 year old from foster care, and had no other children when we did so.

But, we have successfully bonded, our children are doing great in school, and are star basketball players and have had so many great experiences since coming to live with us.

But, how many times can I come here and share that without it starting to look like I'm bragging or otherwise rubbing it in other people's faces, you know?

That's why I particularly don't post the "positives"...to not offend those who are living the "horror story" side.

[Stormster]

From what I know, mothers who relinquish their children find great comfort knowing the kids have/had good lives. I just read a blog tonight that really reflects that! I don't feel like I can't post the good stuff.

I have other issues but not that