[Singlemom619]

I adopted my son from foster care. After the first year that he was in my home as a foster child his mom and I began talking very openly. For awhile after the adoption, I did not allow contact with my son because he didn't want it and his therapist said it would be harmful if he had it. Bmom understood this and so she'd call me or email me to check up on him.

There was never an agreement for an open adoption, it was just something that I thought was best. I even told her when TPR was done that I would not allow him to talk to her until his therapist said it was okay.

About a year after we finalized and he last had contact, my son said he wanted to talk to her so we called her. They would talk about once a month. Suddenly (maybe a year or so later) she began calling VERY frequently - as in every day or every other day. Then after having a few months of those frequent calls - The week before his birthday - she called every day AND on two of the days she called THREE times each day (and spoke to him each time.)

With school, activities, homework, bedtimes, dinner, etc it's just way too much.

I told her that I spoke to his counselor and we thought maybe one reason he was acting up lately was because of the stress of the phone calls and trying to get everything done (I had talked to counselor and he did say this.) I asked her to only call on weekends.

She did (Friday - Sunday) and normally only called once, sometimes two of the days.

After talking to my son (and his counselor) I think it's still too much. Even my son says it's too much but he won't tell her. He also seems to really struggle with who he is when he's talking to her - he says "mom" when referring to me and then quickly says something like "I mean XXX (my first name". He has NEVER called me by my first name. Other things like this happen where I think he doesn't want to hurt her feelings by calling me mom.

Bmom still struggles with holding down a job, money (sends Bday gifts and cards weeks late because she can't afford it even though she tells him all the time how she's sending them early), and drugs and when she checked back into rehab a year ago she told him because she wasn't going to be able to call for awhile. While I completely respect her honesty I think it's hard for him to know that she's still using etc. I just think it's taking a toll on him. (She calls more frequently when she's clean and stops calling when she's using.)

He's been with me since he was 5 (he's 10 now), and was with her on and off from 0-3. He many times over the years has made comments or asked questions in reference to how long he's been with me compared to with her so I do think it's an issue for him.

I do NOT want to cut off all contact - really why I came in here was I was hoping all of you might know of something like a book or something that I could give to her that would help HER to understand that contact is important but right now it's just too much. Letters would be better, once a month or every other month phone calls would be better... I don't want her just thinking it's just me saying these things - I was just trying to find other ways to help her understand how she can help him to have a relationship but to live as "normal" of a life as he can.

If you can offer any advice or insight I'd appreciate it...

[Stormster]

I'm sorry things got out of control for you and that your son is having trouble. I have no advice about books but do have ways that have helped us cope with setting boundaries (our son's birth parents are also addicts).

Feel free to PM me!

[loveajax]

Singlemom, I don't have any book recommendations, but I do think that a book probably would never be able to be a "substitute" for telling your son's birth mom your feelings, telling her what you think is best for him and then following through. It may not be easy (I know!), but it's definitely worth doing, I think. Good luck!!!

[Singlemom619]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Singlemom, I don't have any book recommendations, but I do think that a book probably would never be able to be a "substitute" for telling your son's birth mom your feelings, telling her what you think is best for him and then following through. It may not be easy (I know!), but it's definitely worth doing, I think. Good luck!!!

I have talked to her once - and even though we get along very well it was a very difficult conversation for me and it took me awhile to finally have it.

While she's done okay with the only on the weekend calls she has called once or twice NOT on a weekend. I just don't want that to fall into calling all the time. Also - I really think she should be calling even less (counselor said he's never had a case that's this open - not saying they're not around, it's just not usual.) Actually - we haven't heard from her now in 2 or 3 weeks.

Also - her sister started calling - during the week. I would let it go to voicemail and then have my son call back on the weekends but he'd never get through and they'd call again - three times one night, every night for 4 days, etc. So although mom got it, sister and her kids didn't.

I wish there was a way to explain it so she'd understand (which is why I went with a book idea) but also to maybe draw up a list of how it can go from here... Phone calls on the first of every other month, visit once every 1-2 years (which is how often we go back to that city.) etc... I just feel like doing it now would be hard/tense... so I'm trying to find another way to approach it.

[loveajax]

Aha! I get it. Someone recommended a book to me (though I confess I haven't gotten it) called Living In Open Adoption by Lois Melina. Maybe you could read it and if you think it would help, send to DS' birth mom??

Good luck. I would be overwhelmed with that many calls, frankly.

[finallyamom0310]

Sorry you are going through this. Please keep us updated on how things turn out if you are able to talk with her and set boundaries. I know that I personally might need info in the future when DD gets older. We never know when boundaries will be tested and need to be re-defined.

Our prayers are with you and your family.

[JustPeachy]

I hope you don't mind a bmom chiming in here. I don't know of any books you could recommend (and I'm not even sure they'd sink in!), but boundaries do need to be set with your son's bmom.

First, I would be clear on what you (and your son) are comfortable with. Is it a call once a week? Once a month? Same with emails/letters. Determine the frequency that is good for you and your family. Then the hard part is communicating this to her. I'm wondering if some kind of "contract" might not be helpful, because there is a formality to it and it's written in black and white, so there is no cause for confusion or misunderstanding. If bmom does not respect your boundaries and calls at other times, you can simply say "I'm sorry, you cannot talk to _______ now, as that is not part of our agreement."

When people do not respect or understand boundaries, they tend to push and keep overstepping. It will probably fall to you to keep reinforcing the boundaries. It's not an easy place to be, but I think having the structure of some kind of written schedule and then sticking to it consistently is the only way you can rein this in. This will mean somone in your family will have to say NO to bmom when she does not adhere to your agreement.

I'm also wondering if there is some way to set this up where you (or your son) will call HER at the specified times and not vice versa. If things don't improve, maybe something to consider down the road. That way, you can still let the bmom have some kind of contact, but she won't have your number to call whenever she pleases.

[bethy724]

Sorry your going thur this - the only thing that comes to mind would be call Sunday pm only-it shouldn't depend on how SHE is doing but the consistancy for your son. (of course holidays & b-days) Lifes been about her & her situation way too long.

[Singlemom619]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I hope you don't mind a bmom chiming in here. I don't know of any books you could recommend (and I'm not even sure they'd sink in!), but boundaries do need to be set with your son's bmom.

First, I would be clear on what you (and your son) are comfortable with. Is it a call once a week? Once a month? Same with emails/letters. Determine the frequency that is good for you and your family. Then the hard part is communicating this to her. I'm wondering if some kind of "contract" might not be helpful, because there is a formality to it and it's written in black and white, so there is no cause for confusion or misunderstanding. If bmom does not respect your boundaries and calls at other times, you can simply say "I'm sorry, you cannot talk to _______ now, as that is not part of our agreement."

When people do not respect or understand boundaries, they tend to push and keep overstepping. It will probably fall to you to keep reinforcing the boundaries. It's not an easy place to be, but I think having the structure of some kind of written schedule and then sticking to it consistently is the only way you can rein this in. This will mean somone in your family will have to say NO to bmom when she does not adhere to your agreement.

I'm also wondering if there is some way to set this up where you (or your son) will call HER at the specified times and not vice versa. If things don't improve, maybe something to consider down the road. That way, you can still let the bmom have some kind of contact, but she won't have your number to call whenever she pleases.

You are MORE than welcome to chime in Originally I posted this in the birth parent section because I was hoping some birth parents would be able to help me out - I wanted to make sure that I really respected HER feelings.

I didn't get any responses there.

She has my cell phone number because I've never changed it in 10 years whereas we've gone years without even having a home phone. Also my cell phone is still a local call for her so I figured that would help. When I see it's her and it's a week day I just don't answer it, however as my son's gotten older he's allowed to answer my phone when I'm not near it when he knows who it is (my friends or family that are also his friends and family) so there could come a time when he sees her calling and picks it up out of habit. Not too likely since my phone is surgically attached to my head but it's a possibility.

I've thought about us calling her but her phone number changes so often, she's been using a pay as you go cell phone lately which I think she only gets minutes for when she calls us, etc. There really isn't a consistent way for us to get ahold of her. Heck her own family sometimes calls me to ask if I've heard from her or know where she is.

I am thinking a contract of some sort is best... Maybe my son's counselor can work with him on making one that he likes and then I can edit/adjust it (if needed) and then share it with her - that way it's coming from my son, the counselor, and me and it won't just seem like I'm trying to cut her off because that's really not what I'm trying to do.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

I agree that a contract-type agreement is in order. You could set it up where she calls certain days (like every other Wednesday, or the 15th of every month, or whatever) and choose a time that generally works for both her and your son so that he'll know when to expect the call and she'll know when to call. Hopefully she will learn to consistently call at the scheduled time (it certainly sounds like she has plenty of free time!), but you'll have to be very strict about enforcing it. If she misses the scheduled time, she cannot "make it up" by calling at a different time. It sounds harsh, but in the long run it will actually improve the relationship between her and your son because he will feel less conflicted and more able to focus on his own life.

[belleinblue1978]

I agree that a contract/agreement is a great way to go.

Expectations are so hard. If you want to, you could ask her to write down what she would like to see in the relationship. I'm not saying you have to agree with anything she says, or do anything she asks but then you have it in writing that you let her have a voice in the deal. Make sense?