[finallyamom0310]

In a few conversations over the last few months with DD's BMom it has become obvious that she really doesn't know who the BDad is to our DD. We had always gotten the impression that maybe she knew but now we know for sure she doesn't and it kind of worries me for when DD gets older. I know she is going to want to know more about him too.

Have any of you had the same situation where you couldn't tell your child about their BDad even though they know their BMom through OA? If so, what is the best way to help them through this?

[Stormster]

Finally I have no advice but your post stood out for me because we were only a week away from adopting a baby His birth mother (she is a birth mother now we are just not the AP's) said she didn't know who it was and then ....well let's just say we found out not only did she know but she was secretly married to somebody else in a state where the husband is the assumed father. It was a mess!

Having dealt with many potential bio father issues on our journey I just wanted to say good luck and I hope you find some great advice here. I'm sorry your child will not get all the medical info. and other info about heritage etc.

At the very least though it will be something to know in your hearts and be at peace with the fact that the adoption is legal.

[finallyamom0310]

Thanks Storm. This is just something that has crossed my mind over and over again as I read more here on A.com. I see so much communication for those in OA with BMom's and I am sure some of the reason is that most of the posts are from AMoms that communicate with the BMoms. I also kind of wish that we knew so that my DH could have someone to talk with in the Triad as well.

[Stormster]

knowing who they are doesn't guarantee they'd want to be involved in an OA or talking to your DH. It would be nice but...I'd love to know if anyone on a.com has that sort of a situation. Where the men talk. We don't, it's always me.

OT it was kind of interesting last night I told DH "E really has J's hair" and he pretended he didn't hear me. DH is majorly starting to connect in a big way emotionally and has a hard time being reminded he's not his only father.

[finallyamom0310]

I know what you mean. Just before we had our visit with DD's BMom, my DH was getting used to us as a family and other than my telling him how the communications were going, tried to forget that there were others that brought DD into this world and are a part of her family.

I think those that aren't part of the full communications can tend to forget. My family is definatly the same way. The more I talk about DD's adoption and OA and the ups and downs, the more they seem to try to change the subject. I have decided to keep the communications between DD, DH, BMom and myself to make things easier. If the family wants to know more, then as I add DD's adoption story page to my blog, then can visit.

[Stormster]

Ok I could have written that.

[finallyamom0310]

Something tells me that our families are a lot alike. LOL.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

My mom never knew who her bdad was and never had any desire to know (and she's almost 62 now!). She was very close to her bmom, though she was raised by her grandparents. Chances are, having a relationship with her bmom will be more than enough for your daughter. She might be curious at some point about bdad, but it's unlikely that not knowing who he is will cause some sort of major identity crisis.

[loveajax]

I have a friend IRL who was "matched" and then became concerned because the e mom had met the dad on vacation, did not remember his name and said only that he "looked like the guy in ZZ Top." (I am dating myself here, but google if you don't know ZZ Top). The reality is is whether the kid was adopted or not, he likely "never" will know who his birth dad is (and may or may not care, but what can you do?). (My friend did adopt the child and he is so flipping cute...and looks nothing like ZZ Top!).

Btw, we have an OA with DD's birth parents and my DH and DD's birth dad never "chat" either...it's weird how so much falls to women (as in almost all things! haha!).

[finallyamom0310]

Originally Posted by ProspectiveSingleMom

My mom never knew who her bdad was and never had any desire to know (and she's almost 62 now!). She was very close to her bmom, though she was raised by her grandparents. Chances are, having a relationship with her bmom will be more than enough for your daughter. She might be curious at some point about bdad, but it's unlikely that not knowing who he is will cause some sort of major identity crisis.

Thank you for this. I am glad to know that I might not have as my fears realized when it comes to the unknown.