[dmv0061]

I have tried all options with disciplining my foster/adopt son. We are not spanking due to past issues with the birth family. Aside from writing sentences and being grounded from certain things, what does everyone else do? He goes to therapy, but will not open up and quit honestly, we are at a loss. Nothing seems to work.
thanks for any suggestions.
d

[finallyamom0310]

I am sorry, I don't have any suggestions other than what you are doing. We usually just did time outs with my step son and my DD isn't old enough.

[Singlemom619]

Writing sentences is seen as a big no-no from the education field because they believe it makes the child hate writing.

Ideas:

Time out
Removing priveledges - tv, staying up late, toys, etc. Make him earn them back
Set up a point system where he earns and loses points each day and then gets to "buy" what he does the next day - it's VERY detailed and takes a lot of work but it was the ONLY thing that worked for my son. We did it for 2 or 3 months and haven't had to do it since. (He earned points for brushing his teeth, etc and lost them for lying or hitting the dog. He had to "buy" the right to come out of his room, watch tv for 30 minutes, play with toys, dessert, etc.)
Giving extra chores (mowing lawn, etc.)
Missing out on an activity - get a sitter and everyone else goes to a movie or something...

There are quite a few attachment books that might be helpful if he has those issues.

My son was adopted from special needs foster care and is 10 as well (but no longer classified as special needs) so I've been put through the ringer.

[mg1970]

I use 123 Magic with our (bio) son, but I have heard that some techniques would not be appropriate for children with attachment disorder.

In my area there is a parenting center with counsellors -- perhaps you could consult with a child psycologist or counsellor that specializes in family/child therapy. Seriously, I think if there are special situations / diagnoses it really makes sense to consult with a professional.

M

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

It's very common for kids that age not to open up in therapy. Has his therapist tried any non-traditional therapy approaches? He might be a little old for "play therapy" (though not necessarily), but another fairly innovative approach is equine therapy. The kids at the job I used to work at LOVED it, and they tended to be very resistant to traditional therapy.

[humanpitchpipe]

My parents made me mop the floor as punishment. When I was a teenager let me tell you, their floor was spotless because it got mopped so often!

[CaddoRose]

For some kids the carrot versus the stick works better particualrly at this age. Let's say for example there is something that he really wants and that thing might be a new video game. Make a chart where everybody can see it and when he does the things is he supposed to do put a mark in the box. You can decide how long he has to behave in order to get the item. Let's say it's a week. Make a chart with everyday and everything he needs to do, makeup bed, take out trash, walk the dog, wash dishes. He gets star or a check in that box. If he does everything in one week, he gets the item.

A lot of this depends on what type of behavior he is having that you don't like. If he is acting out in some way, like screaming for example, you can add that to
the chart and he can see how often he does that.

It can also be helpful to have very short term goals. Start every day by explaining how you expect him to act every day. Tell him directly each morning what types of behavior you know he has a problem with and that you want to help him not exhibit those behaviors. Let him know tht if he can make it through the day withtout doing those things, he can have ______. The reward might be a trip to the ice creams tore, playground or whatever he might really want to do or get.

A lot of kids reactions are due to the fact that they don't have any coping skills. They may not know how to react in another way. Re-training them can take time and you might be able to work with the therapist to come up with ways for him to cope with his fustrations and anger,etc.

[mondk]

We do the same stuff as "Caddo" up there mentioned. Before we go anywhere or do anything, we have a talk about what behaviors are acceptable and which aren't. Until about age 9, we used Love and Logic (there is a book out there somewhere explaining it) where we provided him with 2 choices, such as: you can clean your room tonight and we can watch a movie you pick, or you can clean out the car and we'll play a board game of your choice. Something along those lines. We even let him pick his own punishment: "You can stay in your room the rest of the day or you can read 3 chapters in your book on the couch".

We don't use Love and Logic much anymore now that we have hit the pre-teen years, but it did work well when we used it. My oldest is 11, and I know when it comes to discipline, sometimes I'm even at a loss; so I know what you are going through.

Blessings, Michelle

[akcskye]

It would help to know what type of behaviors he is exhibiting.

Are they normal 10 year old behaviors, or are they more related to attachment disorder or other emotional problems?

My son was 9 when we adopted him. He SURE put us through our paces when we first got him.

A LOT of that was testing the boundaries to see if we were going to give up on him like everyone else had and send him back.

We just had to find out what made him tick.

With him, losing material possessions made no difference to him.

His birth mother constantly bought and pawned his and his sister's stuff...you know how that cycle can be if someone has tough money issues.

For him, charging a quarter for every infraction worked wonders, AS did shortening his bed-time by 1/2 hour for a week for any major infraction.

If it was a minor, but punishable offense, he had to go to bed 1/2 hour early for that night.

Those things hurt him more than any other punishment we could offer. I don't mean emotionally hurt him...but made him "pay attention".

Today, he is a VERY well behaved young man and when he does have a little attitude, it is easily redirected by a simple "EXCUSE ME?!?"

Also, a list of rules for our house helped, too, so it was in print and agreed to by all of our family before it was posted on the fridge to refer to in times of bad behavior.

Hope this helps!

ETA: Even if you are a spanker, do NOT spank your son. I would have been a spanker had I had a biological child, but then, there is a HUGE difference between spanking and abuse. But, I say this because it sounds like your son is a foster child only...no adoptive plan right now? In any event, at least in my state, as long as the child is a ward of the state, you cannot spank the child or they will get removed for physical abuse. Just for your information.

One more ETA: I see now, upon re-reading, that he is a foster adopt child...the same sentiments on spanking are given, however. Unless the adoption is finalized and he is legally yours, again, at least in my state, you CANNOT spank him!

[cbrink7]

Coming from a teacher here...

I am not sure what his behaviors are, but I have seen some "interesting" ones displayed in the classroom! One thing that worked really well in the classroom which could be easily adapted at home is a behavior chart. I would do it for not only bad behavior, but esp. good behavior. If it was a regular school year I would catch the child doing something good and they would get a sticker or check, if the behavior was unacceptable they would not receive the sticker or one would be taken away (depending on the child). During shorter days during summer school I would do it by the hour. If they had a good hour of the day they got a sticker, if not they did not get the sticker. Depending on the amount or rules we had decided on together (the child and me) they would get a prize/experience. For example if you get 4 stickers today you can have extra time outside (pick whatever your child likes-xbox, go to the movies, etc.). And believe me if they knew they needed that certain amount of stickers they worked hard to get it done! Also they would get really into it and be proud of the good things they did. They would make sure I saw the good stuff and if the sticker was a little late, you can bet they reminded me! You can just adapt it to whatever works best with the child.

This worked wonders!!! They really get into it, maybe this is something you could try at home

[boysmom324]

We have a nearly 9 yo ds with SIGNIFICANT ADHD-- he literally can't focus on anything until his medication is in his system. So, it can be very challenging when his meds have worn off for the day. We use a combination of positive reinforcement (builds self-esteem) and removal of privileges. One thing that has worked really well for us is to put more responsibility in his hands, even for little things like sticking to his nighttime routine. He LOVES to read, so we had him make a list of tasks he has to do at bedtime (clean up toys, snack, brush teeth, etc) and posted it on the refrigerator. So instead of one of us following him around at bedtime making sure he is staying on task, we just refer him to his list and he has slowly stepped up. I know you didn't ask for ADHD strategies, but I think that one can be used for all kids his age. If he breaks rules, he loses privileges (TV, video games, etc), but the one thing we don't do is take away or make him do things related to school work (he loves to read, but we NEVER take away books), that could easily backfire later.

(((HUGS))) it can be a tough age

[dmv0061]

I have read all your suggestions and have seen some I am implementing. I have not finalized, but would not spank anyway because of past abuse. He is VERY angry and it seems he is always getting in trouble. I think he is pushing the boundaries because this has only started back up in the last 2 months. I like the extra chores and mopping, etc. Its punishment, but not "punishment" and some things around the house get done too. And I agree with one post - never take away reading. I am so excited to have readers in my home.