[uncomfortable]

My daughter (H) went to visit her bmom (J). Not only did she spend the night, she came come with her (J's) 2008 Mitsubichi Galant (however you spell it) (J) called me on Sunday morning and said she had to leave for work so she left (H) the car to drive back home. I asked her if she had lost her mind. I told her that I wasn't comfortable with that and that (H) and her boyfriend could take the train home. It's an 1 to any train and you must have a car (H) said. I said I'd pick them up.
I called my daughter and told her I was coming to pick her up and that I'd be there in about 2 hrs. She throws a OMG. She said this is none of my business, her bmom gave her the car to use for the wk. and that's exactly what she's doing. When I get there, she'll be on her way home. OK OK
So here she is with the car, very happy, and refering all day Sunday to (H) as her MOM.
I told her last nite if she said MOM one more time that I would @$@#%$#^.
And so the tears, the i'm sorries, I didn't realize what I was saying.
Having a very long talk with bmom tonite.
Lord help us all

[thanksgivingmom]

May I ask how old your daughter is?

[belleinblue1978]

You know, I have called my firstmom, mom, since I was about 15. I just feel weird calling her by her first name. My mom knows that. My mom also knows that I know who took care of me for all those years.

I know it must be TERRRIBLY hard to let go, but your daughter is 21 and is working on finding herself and for her part of that is knowing her firstfamily. It is her relationship to work on right now, when she is ready she will share with you.

As for YOU talking with her firstmom, stepping in now could sabatoge this relationship for your daughter. Is that something you want? That will drive a wedge between you that would be very, very hard to fix.

[browneyes0707]

I gotta be honest, if she's 21, she's an adult, and really should be able to make her own decisions. On top of that, she's at an age where a lot of young adults fiercely assert their adulthood and their independence and choices. It's likely she feels like you are trying to control her by asserting your own opinion, but she isn't thinking of it that way. She might be thinking you are trying to tell her what to do. And in a way, you are.

I'm not saying that you aren't entitled to your feelings. But expressing them in the way you are is obviously causing friction. She's either going to take your disapproval and use it as a reason to distance herself from you or she's going to distance herself from her birthmother and resent you for making her feel she had to (which so far doesn't look like is happening) I really doubt you want either.

If she wants to know her, why so opposed? You will always be her mom. She knows that in her heart. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. She shouldn't have to choose. Don't let this cause a wedge, or irreparably damage your relationship. Sounds cliche, but if you love someone, set them free. Let her make her own choices, at 21, she's going to have to learn sometime.


This reminds me a bit of my sister and my mom, when she was around the same age she decided she wanted to ignore curfew and basically live with her boyfriend who was 6 years her senior. My mom flipped. She told her she was going to cut off her tution payments, not help her with her car, or bills or clothes, etc. She tried to ground her. She asserted her control. My sister basically went "Pffff, whatever." She stopped coming home because they always fought over it. She never brought her boyfriend around because my mom made it clear she did not approve. I went MONTHS without seeing my sister. She didn't even come by for Mothers Day once.

Eventually, my mom realized if you can't beat em, join em. She calmed down, started to get to know him, realized he wasn't a bad guy. Once she felt that her boyfriend was given a chance, she started to come around more with him. Their relationship got better.

That was 11 years ago. They are getting married in a few weeks.

[mumofone]

As hard as it is for you right now, you have to find a way to "let it go".

Your daughter may only be 21, but she is an adult, and I believe she is caught up in the moment of being reunited and finding out "who" she is.

I also think that speaking to her birthmom may be a mistake, especially if it's behind your daughter's back.

Trust me when I tell you they are in the "honeymoon" period, and it doesn't last forever.

She needs to do this...she needs to know her story.

Hugs as you deal with all of this.

[MamaS]

If she gets in an accident while driving birthmother's car, who is responsible for damages? Who would be responsible for her medical bills?
Since birthmother is in such a "giving" mood - cell phone, computer, car, etc. why don't you send the college tuition bill to her too?
I understand and sympathize with your anger and frustration. The way your daughter is behaving in all this pretty much proves that she is NOT mature enough at 21 to handle this interaction! Unfortunately however, the law is on the side of the birthparent and you are now relegated to the bench.

[binkybear]

Depending on circumstances a 21 year old today in college may not be that far off from a 17 year old in highschool maturity wise. Her mother would know all of this and obviously it's upsetting to her. A 21 year old having a fit over getting to use a cool car isn't at the same maturity level as a working world 26 year old who has their own self together already.

Shoot, my mom would have been just as upset if at 21 my aunts (her own sisters) starting doing all of this with us. At 21 her parents could be completely and totally supporting her via tutition, bills, living arrangements, etc. Her parents still have every right to step in, in those areas. Her parents might not be ok with the idea that driving this car could be a financial liability to them, minor fender bender where folks don't like to use insurance, etc. Who knows, but it's their role to know these things.

People don't have an expiration date of 18 stamped on their bottoms at birth ensuring they will be mature adults. (seems to be the idea out here) Is this the adoption culture overall with turning 18/21 or maybe just something I'm not use to. At 21 my family and all of the families around us in college still had pretty solid parental input. (edited to add (as I can see the replies of "the law says so" (lol)...that, yes, legally we're adults at 18, but look at most 18 and even 21 year old persons today and rate the true maturity level. Hope that clarifies)

I'm personally not ok with the "letting go" comments either. I've read posts from APs about bmom's having a hard time "letting go" and then seeing replies about how there's never a "letting go". Guide your daughter through this new and emotional time, don't let her go.

[browneyes0707]

There are no laws here being broken by the birthmother or anyone else.(with the exception of the fact that Mama S has a point if she gets into an accident, there could be liability issues at play with ins coverage) Two adults can have a relationship as they see fit. It's not illegal, no matter what the relationship is. If it was a friends car she was using, there would be the same law/liablity factor, but you might not be as opposed to it if it were a friend and not a birthmom.

And yes, if this relationship deteriorates, the birthmother just might offer to pick up her cell bill, tution bill etc. (I think I read in another thread that she offered to buy her a new computer? So it's not so farfetched.) But the message to your daughter would be "my mom cut me off because I wanted a relationship with my birthmom". And I know you don't want that, because it wouldn't hurt you so much if you didn't care about losing your daughter.

I don't think anyone wants that here.

[Whirled_Peas]

When I started college, I moved into a dorm a 2 hour drive from my parents. I lived my own life, stayed out as late as I wanted, did what I wanted. I did visit my parents frequently--making the long drive to spend many weekends with them.

One spring weekend I went to visit my parents. Saturday night a friend and I went out. As was typical when we went out, we didn't get home until 6 a.m. I walked in my parents' front door and my mom was standing there. The op's tone reminds me of my mom's tone that morning.

I didn't visit my parents much after that. (28 years later and the only reason I visit is my son.) I had planned on spending that summer vacation with them. I got a job on campus and lived in the dorm instead. I never moved in with them again.

Frankly, I don't think much of my mom. It wasn't just that one morning, but rather all the similar events rolled up. I just don't understand her priorities. Her emotions too often came before what was best for me.

OP, I think you are on the verge of doing serious damage to your relationship with your daughter. My guess is you will blame the birthfamily. I don't mean to be harsh, I understand you are feeling fragile. I want to help you, your daughter, and the birthfamily. And you are here asking for advice.

You have to decide which is more important--your daughter or your ego.

[mumofone]

Binky, when I speak of "letting go", I didn't mean it in a mean way. As parents we all want the best for our children, and there isn't anything wrong with that.

However, in situations such as this, we cannot control what an adult chooses to do. We can listen to them, talk with them, gently guide them and catch them if they fall, but we need to let go of the decision making.

Now, if the child were 16, that would be a different story.

[binkybear]

wow. I mean wow. without any deep background on their lives, the daughter, their relationship. To get that out of a few randow posts from a mom who's "venting" in what she probably thought was a "supportive" environment. wow.

Originally Posted by Whirled_Peas

You have to decide which is more important--your daughter or your ego.

[MamaS]

BinkyBear - You made a good comment there! Whenever someone mentions a birthparent "letting go and getting over it" fur flies. The birthparents rise up and say they never forgot and never got over it. (And most of them are counting the days until their birthchild is 18 and might contact them.)
But when an adoptive mother objects to her daughter (yes, legally HER daughter) being contacted behind her back, offered gifts, etc. she is told to "get over it", "let go", "you don't have any legal rights to object to their relationship" etc.
Browneyes: So, we as adopted mothers are supposed to "get over it" because we aren't the real mothers? We should just be quiet and HOPE that we were "good enough" as mothers that our children won't totally drop us -- maybe we will still get a card on Mother's Day?

[lovemy2boys]

I think it's ok to be upset/sad/mad/scared, whatever about the situation...but when interacting/reacting to all this with your daughter, I think it's all about approach. Your daughter is most likely working through alot of emotions, while feeling her way through a new relationship with a very important person, and she is probably on the defensive.

Maybe the best thing to do would be to sit down with your daughter and tell her that although you are supportive of her relationship with her firstmom, it is also emotional/new for you too...

I happen to agree with you on the whole car/computer/etc. thing...and not just because it's your daughter's birthmother.

I remember when I was 21 and my aunt offerred to cosign for a credit card for me...My parents went ballistic. It was just not something that they approved of, and although I was technically an adult, I was still very dependant on them, and they had very specific ideas/rules about finances and credit. I became very defensive because they were demanding that I not to do it...I saw it as them wanting to take charge of my life when my aunt just wanted to help me out...There was always this "thing" between my aunt and my mom (which I won't even get into lol) and I thought they weredoing this to distance her from me...

Eventually, calmer heads prevailed, and my parents changed tactics. They sat down with me and we all discussed the situation rationally. They left the decision up to me, and I ultimately chose not to open the card...

Anyway, it was all about approach, at least in my situation.

Sometimes it's how things are said as much as what is said.

[JPDakota]

A family friend wrote a book called, "You never Stop Being a Parent". Very interesting topic. I really don't think parenting stops per a day on a calendar.
Now, about the car thing, maybe Mom really wants her impressionable daughter not to think that she can have really cool expensive things she can't pay for. Maybe she'd like that and other life lesson to develop. Some people put a huge value on that. Not everybody, of course. I don't know what Mom, the OP, wants for her child and I guess it doesn't matter. What does matter is that the birth mother handing over this car put a wedge between her and her daughter. The birth mother probably didn't intend that, but there it is. Maybe she should know that? Maybe she didn't mean to do that? Would speaking with birth mom drive another wedge? I don't know. But I think we should at least look at this from Mom's point of view for a moment. I don't know if I'd talk with the birth mother or not, but it would be good for there to be some sort of common ground. At least, I think so.

[Stormster]

I can't imagine how hard it must be. I would TRY to do whatever is best for your LONG TERM relationship with your daughter. I'd want DS to say about me during reunion "my mom was so cool about it" I don't know what you think the worst case scenario is but maybe it would help you to think about it. Maybe there is none!

If you are talking to her birth mother tonight you need to ask her if she has an Umbrella Policy to cover other people driving her car.

Your story reminds me of my parents. My mom took care of us all day and my father worked all the time. We thought my father was a god but he did nothing to help take care of us. I think it cut her to the core that all of her work was unappreciated and she was very jealous that we thought our father walked on water. The truth was, we swarmed him because we were hungry for his love. We never had it and we craved it. She couldn't provide the love of a father but she was our mother and to be honest, at the end of the day it was her we were loyal to because of all the time she put in.

Good luck.