[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

Too many parents are afraid to cut the apron strings... and they are not doing their kids favors by making decisions for them at 21.

I wholeheartedly agree. Also, if OP continues to push and try to make decisions for her 21 year old AND the 21 year old is not self-reliant......she is going to end up moving in with biomom. Biomom would probably love it (as any mom would after being separated from their child for so long) and then how would Uncomfortable feel? I imagine she would feel like she wished she could take alot back. I hope she figures some things out now before things go down a road she never intended.

Kim

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by loveajax

One thing that cracks me up is when a thread takes on a life of its own without comment from an OP...are you still there, uncomfortable? Has any of this been helpful at all (I hope so)?

Interesting that she hasn't commented at all on any of her simultaneous threads, even though her user lookup shows that's she logged in today. I hope we didn't scare her off!

Heidi, your post was beautiful and so wise. You should consider becoming a reunion therapist!

[thanksgivingmom]

I was SOOOO excited when I saw Heidi posted - cause I think she's awesome, and her advice was too

As for the sudden personality change, yes, that may be a red flag for any parent. But I don't think it necessarily means the apocalypse. Times in my life when my personality changed drastically (perhaps only for a short while, but still noticable): when I graduated high school, when I got my first real boyfriend, when I started college, when I broke up with my first real boyfriend, when I graduated from Grad School, when I had a baby, when I moved out.

Granted SOME of these changes were cause for concern (the boyfriend and the baby) but others were basic life changes. They happen. I think it's great that this parent is aware of them, but rather than limit the experience it could be used as a learning opportunity for the both of them. It could be the evolution of their relationship - that needs to take place sooner than later.

That is from experience. While I paid for everything and did adult things, my Mom never really tried to see me as an adult until I asserted myself and moved out - AT 25!!! It was sooooo much harder because we waited so long. Makes me wish we had done it sooner to be honest......

[zxczxcasdasd]

Heidi, your post was beautiful and so wise. You should consider becoming a reunion therapist!

ha! I wish I'd had one... Actually, everyone here was my therapist (with TG's roomie giving me my IRL reprimands when needed). So you can thank yourselves for anything I have to offer now.

I do hope that uncomfortable comes back. Are you there?

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

I'm not sure if this is a matter of "cutting the apron strings", but more of the OP's concern at the change in personality of her daughter...

This is what the OP wrote"

She's in her first yr. of college. She calls me 3-4 times per day. "MaMe I'm leaving English now and going to Spanish, MaMe my roommate took my juice out of my fridge, MaMe there's a party off-campus, can I go?"

Get my drift.

So when plans are made without consulting me, I get scared.
This is not her MO.

She has changed since bmom (J) has come on the scene.

I hate to say this, but it's about time she changed! My 15 year old does not interact with me this way and developmentally it is inappropriate. I would be concerned if I had a client who acted this way. The developmental task of adolescence is differenciation. To become a person seperate from your parents. To become your own person. Some kids do this by rebelling, others do not. They find their own lives, their own way of living. Finding her birthmom was most likely a catalyst for her. All I can say is that it's about time.

[MamaS]

Maybe we do need to remember that this child DID NOT SEEK OUT the birthmother. A few days after the 21st birthday the birthmother contacted the child. So, she was not searching, seeking her roots, looking for completeness, or whatever the pc term is. She was worried about Spanish, parties, and stolen juice. And now, she has a fairy birthmother who will give her cell phones, computers, cars, trips, etc. It would take a really mature adult to withstand that, right?

[BethanyB]

And now, she has a fairy birthmother who will give her cell phones, computers, cars, trips, etc. It would take a really mature adult to withstand that, right?

What is there to withstand. Even if her birthmom sought her out, the girl is obviously happy about it and want the relationship to happen. She paid for her cell phone bill and loaned her the car for the week. She offered to buy her a computer for her dorm room. I had lots of people in my family offering to buy me loads of stuff for my dorm room and my uncle bought me a computer.

At 21 you are old enough to make your own decisions. I think that because she has continued to let her mom help in her decision making that it's hard for the OP to come to the realization that she's an adult.

Gosh when I was 21 I was living on campus at college an hour and a half away from all my family, with end stage kidney disease and not only taking classes full time but driving myself to the dialysis center three times per week for treatments. This girl can make her own choices and I can see how it's difficult for her mom to realize that but I think she might as well realize it now. How long can you hold on to your kids and make their choices for them?

[Stormster]

At 21 I could not have handled this well. (I wasn't exactly driving myself to dialysis if you know what I mean :-)

I'm not saying interfere with the reunion but isn't it kind of weird to have this obviously very dependent daughter who indeed did not initiate reunion (perhaps because she wasn't ready?) and suddenly cut the apron strings all at once?

I feel badly for the daughter. It's a lot to handle for as I said an obviously immature 21 year old. She's calling her mother 4X a day? She could transfer this dependency to her birth mother and who knows if her birth mother even wants that kind of relationship?

[binkybear]

I don't think it's fair to label anything here about the adoptee as developmentally inappropriate. Quite frankly I see a lot of the dissconnect of "family" as the underlying issue of almost all of our current problems in this country. There was a time when families lived together, if not in the same house then on the same block. They raised, cared for and watched out for each other throughout their lives, they didn't "let each other go" like we do today.

I guess I'm developmentally inappropriate because I love talking to my mom and sisters once a day or even more (probably way too much for my age by standards, right). We all chose to live really close to one another... and I see no issues with it. Sheeh, if I can type out here to total strangers a few times why can't I do that? The culture has shifted and talking to unknowns (this is cyber speak about forums, etc and not in anyway a ref to the bmom) is more "appropriate".

This is a family that is shifting and those who know this young lady see that she is acting out of character. They have a right to see it, note it, and quite frankly agree with it or disagree with it. I'd hope that in disagreeing with it they'd communicate with each other, within their own family, and get a feel where they're all coming from. Each person, the ap, DD, and bmom has a responsibility to be respectful. This isn't just an exciting time that gives everyone but the OP a free pass to figure things out.

If today we all have our own definition of what family life is, then only those emerced in this particular issue can really say what has to and what doesn't have to change.

Originally Posted by bromanchik

This is what the OP wrote"


I hate to say this, but it's about time she changed! My 15 year old does not interact with me this way and developmentally it is inappropriate. I would be concerned if I had a client who acted this way. The developmental task of adolescence is differenciation. To become a person seperate from your parents. To become your own person. Some kids do this by rebelling, others do not. They find their own lives, their own way of living. Finding her birthmom was most likely a catalyst for her. All I can say is that it's about time.

[BrandyHagz]

Maybe we do need to remember that this child DID NOT SEEK OUT the birthmother.

Just wondering, did the OP say this somewhere?

If so, it's not true. The OP's daughter has an account here and was absolutely searching. Maybe mom didn't know that...but I think it's important to remember that sometimes, all the facts aren't right out there in front of us.

[Stormster]

Brandy you are right. I think in this or another thread OP said her daughters birth mother found her on My Space but it may not be the case.

[BrandyHagz]

Oh, I am not saying that bmom didn't make first contact, that could be true...but it is NOT true that the daughter "Did not seek out" her birth mother.

[Stormster]

No that's what i meant. She may have been afraid to tell her Mom the whole story.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

This is what the OP wrote"


I hate to say this, but it's about time she changed! My 15 year old does not interact with me this way and developmentally it is inappropriate. I would be concerned if I had a client who acted this way. The developmental task of adolescence is differenciation. To become a person seperate from your parents. To become your own person. Some kids do this by rebelling, others do not. They find their own lives, their own way of living. Finding her birthmom was most likely a catalyst for her. All I can say is that it's about time.

Ummm...I don't disagree with you....What I meant was that this was a change from their norm, and that is bound to cause concern in any parent/child relationship...I didn't say that she SHOULDNT change their family dynamic, just that it did change and she was concerned...

I just think the thread lost track and was trying to bring it back round to the OP, and let her know that I found wisdom in Heidi's words...Wow.

[Emberbit]

I moved out of my parents house when I was 17 and have lived on my own since including paying my own rent/bills and college and what not. I'm not saying it's been easy...

Anyway, my thought is maybe the b-mom expects the OPs daughter to be more mature than she is?

When I come accross somone my own age who has been living in a college dorm or with roommates or supported by their parents...I think they seem really young, more like high school kids than adults...

I moved out when I did because I was ready to move out. I wanted to be on my own...and my parents/grandparents weren't really suprised, you know? Because they had taught me to be independant and I was and it didn't suprise them when I decided I didn't want to follow their rules anymore.

I've come to expect that people who are 18 or older will act like adults. I expect to find them living in their own place, paying their own bills. When they're not, I'm stunned.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe b-mom (who may have had to grow up fast when she placed) expected a 21-year-old to be an adult. You (the OP) know different becasue you've raised her and know how dependant she still is...but if your daughter doesn't show the dependant side to b-mom...how is she to know?

I don't know if you can slow things down. I tend to think you shouldn't try because a typical teen response to tightened rules is rebellion. I know your daughter isn't a teen...but the behavior currently seems to be similar...