[Stormster]

Mixed emotions here. Granted I'm really good about giving presents or cards to everyone in my life. I enjoy it. This includes E's birth mother who I sent gifts for her birthday, Xmas and just this week for his Bday which we also celebrate as a kind of mother's day since I participated (if you can call it that LOL) in his birth and I can't separate her from his birthday but that's another story.

Anyhoo, she's ALWAYS had access to our address. She's never sent him anything though. That's fine it's just the first year and really she's not working and knows he's got literally everything one can buy for a baby but the other day she said she bought these stickers at a hobby shop that you add to a life book. They say all these cute things related to adoption (cant' wait to see them) and she asked for our address again which I promptly emailed to her. She's also sending a pic I need for the lifebook. So she knows where to send him a card for his first birthday. Though maybe she thinks of the stickers as his birthday present.

I just want her to send SOMETHING. Even if it's JUST the stickers, I can work with that.

Does your child's birth mother send birthday presents? Those of you who know me know that I'm really into him feeling loved by both his Moms and I'm so into being remembered on birthdays its' hard for me to deal with the fact that she may not send anything esp. in light of the fact that everyone around us seems to make such a big deal about it being his first birthday.

She knows we go away on the 23rd until after his bday so I'm hoping but also I'm prepared. And to be honest, it's not just so that he knows she sent something (when he's older obviously) but also, I feel like I do EVERYTHING right and just want this one small thing to be done.

And yet this other part of me is like "get over it it's not a big deal" I don't know...

Thanks. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[bromanchik]

Birthmom here. I always sent presents. Granted, they were sometimes late (especially his birthday. It is still, 23 years later, a really hard time of the year for me.) But i always called on his birthday and holidays.

For Christmas we always exchange ornaments. Try suggesting something like that. It was small and inexpensive, but they had significance.

[SamIAm2]

Natalie's BMom always gives her gifts on her birthday and Christmas...and she usually asks me for suggestions on what to get. There have been times that she's mentioned being out shopping and seeing something she'd like to get Natalie, but she doesn't because she figures that she probably already has it or that I'll want to buy it for her myself....I always tell her to get it if she wants to I think my feelings would be hurt (for Natalie) if she didn't send anything for bdays or Christmas. I think the stickers sound really nice

[mumofone]

Only one of my children receives gifts for his birthday and Christmas from his mom and grandma. The adoption is pretty much open. We also send gifts.

[lovemy2boys]

For me it's not the presents - its the cards that I wish were sent...My boy used to get them from their firstmoms, but now not at all...

As for presents, I'm in a situation that we've been trying to work on but it hasn't seemed to get much better.

Both my boys bdays are within 3 weeks of Christmas. AJ either gets nothing, or something small like a coloring book, which is fine - he loves it...JD's firstfamily, however, sends hundreds of dollars worth of toys/clothes/etc. to JD for his bday...then Christmas a few weeks later...then Valentines day...then just for the summer...and although he is not bratty or selfish about it, AJ doesn't understand the difference between the two - why his brother gets soo much and he gets nothing (not even a little something from JD's family when they bring JD soooo much..)

I've talked to JD's firstfamily about it a million times, and although it's gotten "better", it is still really bad. UGH!

I'm sure you'll get something someday...but I know how hard the wait is - lol...

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Stormster

Mixed emotions here. Granted I'm really good about giving presents or cards to everyone in my life. I enjoy it. This includes E's birth mother who I sent gifts for her birthday, Xmas and just this week for his Bday which we also celebrate as a kind of mother's day since I participated (if you can call it that LOL) in his birth and I can't separate her from his birthday but that's another story.

Anyhoo, she's ALWAYS had access to our address. She's never sent him anything though. That's fine it's just the first year and really she's not working and knows he's got literally everything one can buy for a baby but the other day she said she bought these stickers at a hobby shop that you add to a life book. They say all these cute things related to adoption (cant' wait to see them) and she asked for our address again which I promptly emailed to her. She's also sending a pic I need for the lifebook. So she knows where to send him a card for his first birthday. Though maybe she thinks of the stickers as his birthday present.

I just want her to send SOMETHING. Even if it's JUST the stickers, I can work with that.

Does your child's birth mother send birthday presents? Those of you who know me know that I'm really into him feeling loved by both his Moms and I'm so into being remembered on birthdays its' hard for me to deal with the fact that she may not send anything esp. in light of the fact that everyone around us seems to make such a big deal about it being his first birthday.

She knows we go away on the 23rd until after his bday so I'm hoping but also I'm prepared. And to be honest, it's not just so that he knows she sent something (when he's older obviously) but also, I feel like I do EVERYTHING right and just want this one small thing to be done.

And yet this other part of me is like "get over it it's not a big deal" I don't know...

Thanks. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

DD's other mom has never sent anything for birthdays. But then, she hasn't done what you said and said she would either (if I'm reading it right...). That would be harder still as really, we've learn to expect not to expect anything and let it go. We just don't really have mutual contact even though I long for it for DD as she is already asking why we send letters and we don't get any letter... sigh. But I have learned not to expect it as most of the time, she's just busy trying to make life happen on her end.

DS's other mom sent us a package at Christmas which included handmedowns from the son she is parenting. I thought that was very sweet. She really tries, but she has a lot on her plate. I totally expected her to acknowledge DS's birthday this year because contact had been building (through phone and letters and mutual pictures) to a visit. Nothing. And I've called her now three times and left a message. Don't know what's going on. But what can I do but try and then let it go, take what we get and move on. Obviously there are other things going on that for them, take precedence over sending things to us. It hurts because I want them to acknowledge their children for their children's sake but if it isn't happening it's my job to help my kids understand why.

Hugs to you... it is hard isn't it? You are trying and in relationships that is all you can do. Keep working on it and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you Little E. It is hard to believe he is a year old already!

[ourdreamcametru]

If it helps any, Castle's bmother never sent anything that was "from her" the first two years. Everything we recieved, which was A LOT, came from bgrandmother and bgreatgrandmother with bmom's name attached also. Then out of the blue for Castle's third birthday "E" showed up with an arm full of gifts. She said she had the best time shopping for her buying toys and clothes! Now she buys her stuff all the time. I think that the adoption was too fresh in the beginning for her to shop for and send gifts. This is not something that you can rush, bmom will have to heal to the point that it doesn't hurt her to do this and that could be anywhere from a year to years, or maybe some bmother's send from the beginning. Castle's bmom did give her a bunch of gifts at the hospital but they were all things that her friends had given her for the baby and she wanted to pass them along. Just let her take her time and maybe/hopefully she will send something. Castle just turned 4 and I am still hoping for a personal letter from "E" to her although I know this may never happen.

[lahdh4]

"Does your child's birth mother send birthday presents?"

I hope you don't mind me chiming in here but I do. I look for a card and get her some gifts. For Christmas I always ask if there is a list that Supergirl has to help me with some ideas.

[mg1970]

I sort of hope that if we are able to adopt that we don't receive gifts from the birth family. I think it might make me uncomfortable. I'm pretty picky about the kinds of toys my son plays with. I like toys that are well made, educational and require imagination (not batteries) to play with. I also make sure they are something that I have a place for. I've had to tell my Mom to cool it with the books -- she was bringing a suitcase full each time she visited!

I go to some peoples houses and they have rooms and yards full of plastic junk that is barely played with. That would drive me crazy.

So I read these posts about sending presents to a bmom for her bday or mothers day -- well I hope there is no expectation for us to do that when we don't do that for eachother. We usually celebrate birthdays, mothers day and fathers day by doing something together like going out to eat or going to a park, and our parents get cards and a phone call for those occassions.

M

[Stormster]

mg E's birth mother never had any expectation of gifts and is always appreciative and surprised that we think of her on those days. She lives very far away from us so it's all we can do: the odd gift certificate or a framed pic of E and yeah gifts are definitely part of our family culture so but so are cards and phone calls.

As for the toy thing. I wouldn't care if it was the perfect toy or not. What we would care about is the thought behind the gift. If it was ANYTHING from her it would be photographed and recorded in his life book as something special she did for him on his birthday.

We are in an OA where my entire focus is building and supporting E's emotional health and self esteem. Part of that is wanting him to know that from the beginning both of his mothers love him enough to recognize his birthday. The thought of censoring the quality or even choice of gift (unless it wasn't age appropriate) is beyond me.

[2manyks]

nothing. none of my adopted kids get anything, not a phone call, card, email..... nada, zip, nothing.

[Leigh131313]

We are in an OA where my entire focus is building and supporting E's emotional health and self esteem. Part of that is wanting him to know that from the beginning both of his mothers love him enough to recognize his birthday. The thought of censoring the quality or even choice of gift (unless it wasn't age appropriate) is beyond me.

I don't like the idea that she needs to "love him enough to recognize his birthday". I don't think love and his birthday have anything to do with each other....sure they CAN, but it's not a requirement as a show of love.

I think putting a requirement on love "if you do this it shows you love him" is really inapropriate - especially when it's something you are putting onto another party. If you love him you will do this....


It just doesn't sit right with me.

[Lilly's Mommy]

Originally Posted by Stormster

What we would care about is the thought behind the gift.

The thought of censoring the quality or even choice of gift (unless it wasn't age appropriate) is beyond me.

Well said, and more politely than I was thinking.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by Stormster

As for the toy thing. I wouldn't care if it was the perfect toy or not. What we would care about is the thought behind the gift. If it was ANYTHING from her it would be photographed and recorded in his life book as something special she did for him on his birthday.

TOTALLY agree...even inappropriate gifts are appreciated (and believe me - my inlaws are the champ at inappropriate gifts lol)

AJ's firstmom generally doesn't buy him things - and when she does, it is usually something small (and everything is appreciated). But last year, she bought him THE most AWFUL toy - lol - it's this lab that makes slime that you shoot onto food, ugh...He wanted it that previous Christmas and I nixed it, saying that he had asked too late and Santa had run out - lol. Then months later, here comes D with this gift, and voila - the lab...and he loved it....and I loved her for taking money that she did NOT have to buy him something that he loved so much, especially when I wouldn't.

She had no idea that I didn't want him to have it, otherwise she probably wouldn't have bought it for him...and although it is still a thorn in my side, the look on his face was priceless when he tore off the paper and saw what she bought. And I will remember that moment forever.

[Mil]

the look on his face was priceless when he tore off the paper and saw what she bought. And I will remember that moment forever.

And that's what it's all about, isn't it?