[uncomfortable]

My daughter (H) is 21. Twenty-one is just a number.

She's in her first yr. of college. She calls me 3-4 times per day. "MaMe I'm leaving English now and going to Spanish, MaMe my roommate took my juice out of my fridge, MaMe there's a party off-campus, can I go?"

Get my drift.

So when plans are made without consulting me, I get scared.
This is not her MO.

She has changed since bmom (J) has come on the scene.

H made plans for J to pick her and her boyfriend up to take them for a visit at her home.

I called J!

J said I told H to let me run it by you first. OK, OK.
I asked H why didnn't she wait 'till J called about the visit. H said she didn't think it was a big deal. I agreed to the visit

That's not H's MO.

J arrived today. Stayed for about :30. Asked H and boyfriend to go out to the car so she could talk to me and my 2 sisters. J invited us to her birthday and family reunion to "welcome H back into the family." WOW!

My sisters immediately said GREAT! I found myself smiling and accepting. I not ready for this.

H called to let me know they arrived at their destination. An hr later H called to say it's a 3 hr round trip so they were spending the night, said I love you and hung up.

This is not H's MO.

I received a message from an amom telling me of a horror story. Adaughter had a reunion with bmom and she moved in with bmom and wants nothing to do with amom anymore.

I wish this reunion had never happened. I'm terrified!

[RavenSong]

I'm sorry to hear that an amom PM'd you with a "horror story" about reunion. I can assure you that the vast majority of reunions do NOT result in the adoptee cutting off his or her parents. If anything, I've seen many reunions result in a closer relationship between adoptive parents and their now-grown children.

I'm sorry this is all so scary for you. I'm sure, though, if you treat your daughter with respect and patience (and try not to control her reunion) that you and she will be just fine. (I know, I know...easier said than done!) There is enough love in your daughter's heart for everyone in her life. And her birthmom is NOT going to replace you...

[Whirled_Peas]

Your daughter called you to tell you she loves you.

I've raised 2 kids with lots of problems from my husband's ex. Ever hear of malicious mother syndrome or parental alienation syndrome? They're pretty horrible. The kids get hurt and brainwashed. We've lived with that for years. It is awful.

I feel for you. I don't know of anything you can do except let your daughter do what she will do. On one hand it's great that she's starting to make choices for herself. She's 21, she needs to be doing that. (Gosh, darn, if only she were still 5.) So there are some good things happening here.

I doubt if she will abandon you.

There's a saying, "The more we resist, the more it persists." The tighter you try to cling to her, the more likely she is to pull away.

So, it sounds like she is having the time of her life and you are miserable. Go get a massage, buy some chocolate, read a book. Get on with your life. Living in angst will not help the situation. She's an adult who is with people she wants to get to know. She's not with an axe murderer. Give her the space to be happy. Give yourself the space to be happy.

Kids are only on loan to us temporarily. You got 21 years and will get more, but they will never be what they were before. They can't be. If they are, that is bad for your daughter. It is sad that from the day a child comes to us our job is to prepare them to leave. I really hate that, but the alternative to them leaving means they did not grow up. That is worse.

[Linny]

Well put, Peas. Well said. I realize this is quick and sudden; but like Peas said, she phoned to tell you she loved you. To me, that says a lot.

While I know this is going to sound trite, Relax. I'm not really sure I'd like a birthmother contacting my daughter in this manner either....but on the other hand, your daughter IS an adult now.....and, with that, making the choices she is. It may actually be best that it has come quickly like this, simply because you've not had the time to think too much about it.
And again, after all.....this IS an adult we're talking about. The horror stories I've heard of---that you mention, surely have to have other factors there too. It's pretty doubtful to me, that a kid (now adult) who felt secure in their relationship with their parents, would suddenly go out to seek 'something' in a biological connection, and never look back---UNLESS there were other factors there too, KWIM?

Again, relax. This IS a connection she's seeking. Give her credit for discernment of who this person may be in her life, and what foundation your family provided to her all along. I think all will be fine.

Sincerely,

Linny

[zxczxcasdasd]

This phase of reunion is hard for the aparent...really hard. I remember it. It felt like I was getting hit by a Mack truck, which would then back up and run over me again...and again...

Your feelings are valid, real feelings so make sure that you have someone to whom you can vent, who will comfort and reassure you (not feed the fear or anger but sympathize and help calm it)- but do not put your daughter in that role. You need to address your feelings and take care of yourself without making her responsible to do it. Find other people and other places where you can find care for your heart.

I hear a lot of fear...which I'm sure is buttressed by the difference you see in your daughter's behavior.

Do your best not to be ruled by fear, it never leads us in a good direction. It sounds like, with your daughter being 21, in just her first yr of college and in contact with you as much as you say, that the normal developmental separation and psychological independence hasn't happened yet with her for whatever reason. That change is a good, positive and very necessary change for her to become an independent adult, but I think the fact that it seems to be the reunion that is bringing about the change, maybe sooner than you were wanting it, is confusing and scary for you and makes it seem like the reunion is to blame or that the change is bad because of the timing.

I would encourage your to work on creating that separation within yourself as well (it really helped me...I also had reunion and empty nest all mixed up together- it was a REALLY difficult time)- coming to the knowledge that you and your motherhood are not defined or determined by your daughter or anyone else, but it is something that you alone create, you alone determine, by your caring and mothering action- even when the "action" needed is giving space and room to make choices and build her own life, taking the risk that it might not look like what you had hoped, or that her choices will cause you pain. You can pour more energy into your activities outside of being a mom- just being a person with your own plans and talents and tastes.

There have been adoptees who essentially dump their adoptive families after reunion, but it's not the norm...that's a tragic outcome, as is any outcome that breaks anyone's heart, whether it's the aparent, the adoptee or the birth parent. There are as many outcomes as there are reunions.

Make sure that you have people (your sisters maybe?) who can be "on call" for you to call up when you need to cry, to breathe deeply, to be hugged, to take a walk, to make plans with you. You will need to draw heavily on their support. You will need compassion, understanding, and possibly a few lectures or reprimands. (I did)

This will take a long time to pan out so do your best to resist the temptation to over-analyze every situation and everything your daughter says and does. Her feelings are as likely as all over the place as yours are. She is excited and exploring. It will be a rollercoaster, for everyone.

It will happen over time, not overnight, that you will be assured of her love and the continuation of your family and come to the knowledge that your security in your relationship with her does not need the absence of her birth family (as was the previous normal for you) or require the previous level of attachment you enjoyed, in order to be close and loving. You are creating a new normal and that is always scary, because the old normal was happy and joyful and the new normal is totally unknown...and at the moment doesn't feel good.

Make sure you have support and love to get through this stage. Give yourself a huge hug from me. Then go find a person to hug you.

Hang in there. Don't give in to fear. Go with strength and love.

[uncomfortable]

Peas - Thank you! Every word you said makes absolute sense. H called me again last nite to say good nite, love you and see you tomorrow! I know she's not going to abandon me. The PM I got really scared me. And yes, H needs to start making her own decisions, just not so fast She needs to give me a chance to get use to that Thanks again

[Stormster]

Uncomfortable you sound like a very protective Mom and I have to say, the parents on the British side of our family are like you and their children are fabulous young adults.

Also, I did not adjust well to my first year away at school and while I don't think I called home 3 or 4 times a day, I know I wasn't "ready" and needed a lot of support that I DIDN'T get (insert subsequent disasters here). Your daughter is a lucky young woman that you are so there for her. It actually makes me HAPPY to read about an Aparent and child who are that attached even though to some I realize it may sound extreme for 21. DH is VERY independent from his family NOW but didn't move out until 24! Every family is different and age is just a number etc....

I do hope though that your relationship stays positive and open throughout the reunion and she feels like she can tell you everything and you won't get defensive etc. because you seem so close I'm sure she can read your emotions. I'd start practicing my poker face now! Best of luck.

[uncomfortable]

Family and friends always tell me that they envy me because I'm always so cool, confident, calm, handle any situation with ease. Ha! This has brought me to my knees!
Anyway - I didn't push H with the college issue. She finally decided she wanted to teach, and last Sept. out of the blue said "I need to register for school and I want to go away" I said "sounds like a plan". Spring was an excellent academic semister for her, she didn't miss a beat. Hope this reunion situation doesn't distract her come fall semister.