[ranoutofnames]

In another thread there was a question brought up about discussing adoption with children who know they are adopted but don't seem real interested in further discussion about it. Rather than hijacking that thread I thought I'd start another one because I'm very interested in others opinions.

In our situation my daughter has twice expressed that she wished she had grown in my tummy but no questions about her first family and seemingly no interest in them. Because she was a child of foster care she did see them until she was 3.5yrs old, but even then she never talked about seeing them or missing them and to be honest I never talked about them with her either. I knew it was going to eventually go to adoption and we were advised early on her best hope was to have no contact with bfamily so we never mentioned them.

The first time she mentioned growing in my tummy was a couple of years ago. I told her I wasn't ready to grow a baby in my tummy at the time she was born and then went on to tell her how we first met. I told her how there were 3 women standing in the room and that she reached out her arms for me (she was 9 months old at the time) and she wouldn't let go. That day she chose me to be her mommy. She LOVES that story.

Now that I'm pregnant and about to give birth "any day now" it came up again about 2 months ago that she wishes she had grown in my tummy. I had just hit that miserable stage of aches and pains. She could see I was swelling and uncomfortable. I could have an honest discussion that being pregnant, although a wonderful experience, does come with problems. I told her that since she came to me older we were lucky that she and I could do more things together and I wasn't so tired and sore. We then discussed how things will be when the new baby comes and how much help mommy is going to need. I could see the love in her eyes shining out and she told me she would be my big helper now... and she is right down to telling her baby brother to "stop kicking mommy".

For us we couldn't start the discussion of "adoption" from an early age because termination of parental rights didn't finalize until she was 4yrs old. At the time of adoption (her 5th birthday) it was more important for her emotional well-being to focus on being a family "forever and ever"... she was used to seeing other foster children come/go so she needed to have security of forever.

So.... when do you bring up the idea that adoption is not only something gained but something lost? Should you intiate a discussion with a child that they did loose something when they don't currently recognize a loss in their life?

I think every child and situation is different. For my daughter I just plan to wait and take cues from her. She gives me the cues I need to help her at that moment... kinda like talking about sex, we don't give all the graphic details at once we have to build on the information.

... then again there are people who post on here with far greater experience than me. There may be a post that will make me feel differently.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

I think that, since your daughter obviously knows and understands that she is adopted, it is not necessary to talk about her past just yet. She will most likely bring up the subject herself as she gets older, and talking about it before she is ready may only upset or confuse her.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I agree with PSM, that your daughter will bring it up as she needs to. Not sure how old your girl is, but mine are 7...they ask questions when they want and we answer in an age-appropriate way, but we don't try to "push" the issue. We don't want to suggest the idea of loss and grief - it's something they'll express when they discover the feelings (if ever). Some adopted children never feel that way.

One of my daughters has mentioned a couple of times that she wishes she could have grown in my tummy. Unlike you, we were unable to conceive, so I've told her that I wish she could have come from my tummy, too, but that my tummy was broken and I couldn't have a baby. I also remind her that she wouldn't be who she is if she came from me, that God intended her to come from C's tummy, not mine.
Congrats on your new baby, by the way!!!

[vernellinnj]

My foster child has been with me over 2 years but the case goal has not yet changed to adoption. I sometimes wonder how we will handle things when there are no longer regular supervised visits with biomom. To prepare, I tell the child that me and biomom love him/her very much and that a nice man called a judge will decide where he/she should live. I've never actually mentioned adoption because it's not appropriate to do so, yet.

I agree that we should take our cues from our children...let them guide. Good luck to you and your (expanding) family!