[tldowen]

I always come to this forum when I need a little advice and sometimes comforting. My DD is 7 years old. We have been with her since she was 4 hours old. We do NOT have an ongoing relationship with the birthmom, but she did give us a picture and gave DD a special present when she was born. She was young and pretty. Our DD knows about both of these. We have always told DD that she was adopted. My question is.. What do I say when my DD wants to know where is her birthmom and can we go see her, call her or email her etc? It is confusing to her because we have some acquaintances that have an adoptive daughter and they meet once a year with her birthmom and siblings. How do I explain why HER birthmom didn't want to see her? (That's how she views it)

[Fran27]

We're in the same situation... I'm planning on explaining my two that their birthparents loved them very much, and it was hard for them to give them another home, but that it would hurt them too much to see them again... and they wanted to move on with their life.

I'm not sure when it would be appropriate, if at all, and if it's the truth though... It's definitely a tough one...

[tldowen]

Would you mind if I vent a little? I don't want to say this to anyone I know because I don't want to appear "silly", "sensitive" or " jealous" even though I feel like I am being all those things. But you can't help how you feel. I can think it's wrong, but I still can't change it. My DD (age 7) can say some of the most hurtful things to me. She doesn't mean to be hurtful and she would be upset it she knew she hurt my feelings. One day I said something about her birthmom wanting her to have the best mother in the world, so she picked me. To which she replied, well your not the best mother in the world, my birthmom is. You are the second best mother in the world. I just said "okay" and that was that. But it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have alway tried to be postive about her birthmom so I guess it is only natural for her have good feelings about her. Part of me wanted to say, " I don't remember running into her in the middle of night when you needed a bottle or I didn't see her change a diaper, take you to the doctor, stay up with you when you were sick, plan your birthday parties etc. etc. I honestly feel like she is more loyal to her than me. I didn't say anything to my DH because it would have upset him (because it upset me) he would have said something to her and I didn't want that. Anyway, I already knew that adoption was not for the faint of heart
and that is so true, but I still wouldn't change a thing. Thanks, just needed to get that off my chest.

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by tldowen

Would you mind if I vent a little? I don't want to say this to anyone I know because I don't want to appear "silly", "sensitive" or " jealous" even though I feel like I am being all those things. But you can't help how you feel. I can think it's wrong, but I still can't change it. My DD (age 7) can say some of the most hurtful things to me. She doesn't mean to be hurtful and she would be upset it she knew she hurt my feelings. One day I said something about her birthmom wanting her to have the best mother in the world, so she picked me. To which she replied, well your not the best mother in the world, my birthmom is. You are the second best mother in the world. I just said "okay" and that was that. But it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have alway tried to be postive about her birthmom so I guess it is only natural for her have good feelings about her. Part of me wanted to say, " I don't remember running into her in the middle of night when you needed a bottle or I didn't see her change a diaper, take you to the doctor, stay up with you when you were sick, plan your birthday parties etc. etc. I honestly feel like she is more loyal to her than me. I didn't say anything to my DH because it would have upset him (because it upset me) he would have said something to her and I didn't want that. Anyway, I already knew that adoption was not for the faint of heart
and that is so true, but I still wouldn't change a thing. Thanks, just needed to get that off my chest.

I am so sorry to hear that. I just don't know what to say. I've thought about this happening in the future with us and I don't have a solution. Good luck!

[kelceesmom]

I think part of it is her age and just that. I know it hurts but even bio kids will say things like that. They even say I wish someone else would adopt me. I seem to recall saying that once or twice to my parents at a young age. Take a deep breath. Just keep telling her you love her and are sad to hear that but you love her just the same.

[mrskt]

I'm still waiting to adopt, but work in state adoptions with foster care. I just finished reading a pretty good book that discusses this - "Twenty Things Adopted Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge. You might consider buying it or borrowing it from the library - you're definitely not the first adoptive parent to have those feelings, but dealing with them in a sensitive manner is key.

Best wishes!!!

Katy

[kretzklan]

Since we are an IA family - there are obvious differences. But, I wanted to tell you what we have said when those questions come up. We tell the kids (from different birth families) that their first parents loved them very much. They just weren't prepared to take care of kids (they were removed at an older age). It was very lucky that we all found one another and as lucky as I am to have you, you are just as lucky to be with us. Aren't we all happy to be together? While your first parents have chosen to not write to us right now - you can certainly write letters to them. We'll keep those letters in a special place and someday, we can give them to your first parents.
I feel that it's important to only answer what they are really asking. I think that your DD reaching out is probably because she has things on her mind. If she writes a letter to her, it may give you insight as well.

As for the hurtful comments - I'm so sorry. It does stink and there is little that can really be done. I will say though (my kids are 11, 10 and 9 now) that we are honest when they hurt us. We don't throw a tantrum, but simply say "Wow, that kind of hurt my feelings. I hope that you can be really respectful in how you say things in the future."

All kids push those boundaries to see what they can get away with...

[kakuehl]

Warning... birth mother here, LOL. I also raised two children so I've listened to the kids who tend to think "the grace is greener on the other side of the fence." My daughter at age 30 thinks I've done a good job as her mother; she wouldn't have said so when she was younger. I think she hoped she was adopted.

I'm so sorry the you have the additional layer of adoptition and "another mother" to deal with. It is important to remember that some birth moms truly feel that they couldn't deal with close or even occasional contact. Open adoptions often seem to be very difficult to maintain. I didn't have a choice. I'm from the "closed adoption" era.

Tidowin, may I suggest that you ask your daughter why she thinks birthmother is the best mother (if you can do so, without appearng upset.) You may find that she thinks bmom is best because she gave her to you.

All of us can be oversentive, especially when it comes to our kids. Often if we just ask why someone says something we discover that we really are being too sensitive... that we've heard something that the other person was not saying.

You are your childrens' mothers. You will always be, whether or not they go on to have a relationship with their birth families.

[tldowen]

Thank you all for your comments. It's nice to know this is normal in a quirky kind of way and it's nice to communicate with people who know how I feel. For all the stress of waiting to hear if her birthmom picked us, to waiting to be sure she didn't change her mind, to little comments like that one coming out of the blue, it was all very worth it. She is my absolute dream come true. After all, I AM the one getting the "I love you, mommy" and the hugs and kisses everyday.

[mondk]

My 11 y.o. bio son says hurtful things to me all the time...he is a child of divorce sadly and he taunts me with "I'll just go live with my dad" and "I hate you; I wish you weren't my mother". And he's only 11! Just wait until your DD is a teenager...anyway, you aren't alone in these difficult stages all kids go through.

Blessings, Michelle

[Whirled_Peas]

I'm a stepmom. When my (step)daughter was about 6, she was very difficult. She was horribly damaged by the divorce and the ex's ongoing games. Of her 3 parents, I was the strictest. She was better behaved for me than my husband or his ex. She used to push. One time I told her she couldn't do something and she said, "Then I'll go Mommy's house." I told her, "You know that doesn't work here." She never said it again.

It was a harsh response to her, but in our case, it was the right thing. The main thing is to not take these things personally. Had I done that in that instance, I would have really hurt this kid.

[bromanchik]

Just a thought here:

How often do you tell your kids you love being their mom? How often do you thank them for being in your life? Children learn what they live. Celebrating your child, letting them hear you brag, telling them how much you love them being in your life is the first step in having that reciprocated.

Also showing some sympathy when they miss their first mom or wonder about her would go a long way in building the relationship you have. Next time your daughter says something like "well your not the best mother in the world, my birthmom is." Ask her what makes her birthmom the best mother in the world. Ask it gently and with sone compassion. Adopted children do grieve their birthparents. Helping her process that grief would go a long way.

[finallyamom0310]

Originally Posted by Whirled_Peas

I'm a stepmom. When my (step)daughter was about 6, she was very difficult. She was horribly damaged by the divorce and the ex's ongoing games. Of her 3 parents, I was the strictest. She was better behaved for me than my husband or his ex. She used to push. One time I told her she couldn't do something and she said, "Then I'll go Mommy's house." I told her, "You know that doesn't work here." She never said it again.

It was a harsh response to her, but in our case, it was the right thing. The main thing is to not take these things personally. Had I done that in that instance, I would have really hurt this kid.

I am right there with you. Being a step parent I hope has helped me for when my DD does go through this as well. I had one time where my stepson said "You are not my Parent". It was the first time I had to run out of the room crying. I know that wasn't the right thing to do but I was sooooo hurt. Now as a teenager, he says things about the divorce hurting him the most as rules change on a daily basis for him as he goes back and forth almost every day. It had been hard for all of us and all teens and children don't know how to think before they speak.

Just try to say how you are feeling in a non-accusatory way and see how she responds. You may find it opens your communications better.

[crick]

My dd sometimes says "I hate this family and I want to go back to my other mom!" when she's upset. Most of the time it is her just lashing out in anger and while at first it hurt, I just take it in stride now.

All I really do is validate her feelings on whatever it is and let her know that regardless, I love her, she's my dd and I'm not letting her go. When she does have true periods of grief or feelings of "I wish...", I listen and tell her it's perfectly fine to miss her other mom and wish that things were different. It took awhile in the beginning to feel comfortable and not take things personally. Sometimes I still do but try not to show that because it's not her fault she has these feelings. I do though expect her to be communicative about things and not combatative. Meaning I don't allow rudeness and it doesn't matter what the topic is really.

I've gotten a few of the "You are a mean mom and I bet my other mom would let me do xx or xx" and to that I just say "Oh, you are likely right, but you still aren't going to ride your bike up to the park". I tend to treat these types of things just as I would when my kids say "But so and so's mom lets HIM do it!!!"

[loveajax]

To the OP, I know that must really be hurtful. I was going to recommend a book called, "Talking to Young Children About Adoption." I thought it was a really good book that talked about different "stages" kids go through in processing adoption related issues. One of the stages (sometimes) is sadness that can get expressed as anger (and sometimes also the whole "fantasy" birth parent thing). I personally think your DD just may be processing some stuff that is confusing and you may want to affirmatively ask her some qs/talk about adoption, you know?

Hang in there!!!