[loveajax]

We had a visit with DD's birth parents and sisters a little over a month ago (remember, DD's sisters do not know that she is their sister). I thought it was a great visit (though there were some odd things too). In any event, after the visit I emailed pix back and forth to DD's birth mom. I was a little late getting our quarterly update to her so I sent her an email apologizing and telling her my dad was in the hospital, etc.

I usually hear from her after I send an update but didn't hear anything (it's been about a month).

I got an email from her yesterday in which she asked how everyone was doing and said she had been quiet because she needed time to heal after the visit (that I get). But then she said, "[Oldest DD] has cried like ten times since then wanting to see [my DD] and says it's my fault she can't see her. And [younger DD] keeps looking so much like her."

I felt so sad, but then I just got kind of angry because I feel like she is A) lying about her oldest DD's reaction (why would she cry about a kid she sees once a year and doesn't know is her sister...too weird...) and B) being manipulative (wanting more visits by making me feel like her kid is sad). DH is apoplectic and now has said sort of "I told you so..." (He only wanted to stick exactly to our original OA agreement).

Before you ask why not more visits, well...it's not happening (partially because of DH's wishes but partially because of my feelings on it but partially because of the "secret" aspect). So what the heck do I do or not do here? DH says that I shouldn't respond and I'm almost tempted not to (and just give our quarterly update which is due in like 6 weeks). I really don't even know HOW to respond to something like this, you know? If I was going to be honest, I would say, "I'm sorry you are sad but I feel like you are also being manipulative and please stop." (That would go over well, eh?). Any advice is really appreciated.

[Stormster]

I sometimes feel manipulated by the "moods" that I see on myspace that say "lonely" or "feeling rejected" but I've forced myself not to react even though my instinct is to fix her, fix it.

What did you say when she said the sister was crying? You should ask her straight. Doesn't make sense to me either.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by loveajax

We had a visit with DD's birth parents and sisters a little over a month ago (remember, DD's sisters do not know that she is their sister). I thought it was a great visit (though there were some odd things too). In any event, after the visit I emailed pix back and forth to DD's birth mom. I was a little late getting our quarterly update to her so I sent her an email apologizing and telling her my dad was in the hospital, etc.

I usually hear from her after I send an update but didn't hear anything (it's been about a month).

I got an email from her yesterday in which she asked how everyone was doing and said she had been quiet because she needed time to heal after the visit (that I get). But then she said, "[Oldest DD] has cried like ten times since then wanting to see [my DD] and says it's my fault she can't see her. And [younger DD] keeps looking so much like her."

I felt so sad, but then I just got kind of angry because I feel like she is A) lying about her oldest DD's reaction (why would she cry about a kid she sees once a year and doesn't know is her sister...too weird...) and B) being manipulative (wanting more visits by making me feel like her kid is sad). DH is apoplectic and now has said sort of "I told you so..." (He only wanted to stick exactly to our original OA agreement).

Before you ask why not more visits, well...it's not happening (partially because of DH's wishes but partially because of my feelings on it but partially because of the "secret" aspect). So what the heck do I do or not do here? DH says that I shouldn't respond and I'm almost tempted not to (and just give our quarterly update which is due in like 6 weeks). I really don't even know HOW to respond to something like this, you know? If I was going to be honest, I would say, "I'm sorry you are sad but I feel like you are also being manipulative and please stop." (That would go over well, eh?). Any advice is really appreciated.

It would be really hard for me to make attempts for more visits in this environment of secrecy as well. It's just not healthy for anyone but especially the children involved. Full disclosure would have to be a part of the deal for us.

Could it be that her daughters are realizing a connection and their grief/feelings stem from knowing something is going on, and not really knowing what? Kids are more perceptive than any of us give them credit. I know with DD we've struggled because her other family is in such chaos and our last visit you could read the sadness on everyone. Everyone was trying to be all happy and not dwell on the hard stuff for the kids' sake, but after we left DD asked me... What was wrong with K (her other mom) and S (her sister)? This from a child who has only seen her other mom in person three times (and this visit was the first that I know she'll remember in detail because of her age) and her sister four times. She knew something was up. She didn't know what. But she knew. So maybe they're picking up the fact that this is more than about a "playdate"...this is about sisterhood. I would really address this with your DD's other mom, and see what she thinks.

[finallyamom0310]

I am not in your situation so not sure how I would respond. I had a misunderstanding with DD's bmom as well recently and found for us that it really helped to talk on the phone about it instead of emails or letters. The more we emailed the worse it got. Can you call her to discuss your feelings so you can make sure she understands your confusion?

[loveajax]

Finally, I think that you are right. I hate emails. I don't think there is any "misunderstanding" really...it's more about what do I do with this information, you know? How am I supposed to react to something like this? Today, i am kind of "annoyed" so I think I better wait to call when I am in a better mood!

Thank you, Storm and Tammy!!!!!

[Cjmeck]

Really, I don't think you have to "do" anything with that information. I would just say "I'm really sorry the last visit was so hard on you guys. I know it must be a little confusing to your kids. I'm sure you'll figure out a way to help them through it". End of story. Of course its natural to be concerned, sympathetic, ect... but I would try not to read too much into it. Maybe she was just venting and you're the only person she vents to about adoption related stuff. And maybe you're right and she does have another motive. But you're right, getting testy with her surely won't help. That sounds like a tough situation. Hang in there!

[loveajax]

CJ, I like it!!! Do you mind if I just supercopy??? Thanks!

[SamIAm2]

Love, under the circumstances, I also have a hard time believing that her oldest DD is crying all the time over someone who isn't a bigger part of her everyday life. Perhaps if she really is crying that often then there is another explanation for it? Although I understand Bmom's sadness after the visit, I also find her email to be a bit manipulative. Perhaps you could use this as a gateway to open conversation about her telling her DD's who your DD is to them...especially since, according to her, they are becoming emotional over the visits and are probably beginning to figure things out.

Sorry I don't have better answers. I know it's rough. Maybe just think on it for a few days before responding to her.

Edited to add that I LOVE CJ's response too! It's perfect!!

[loveajax]

Thank you, Sam!!!!

I'm not going to email or call (if at all) until next week (we are going on vacation until Monday).

I really, really appreciate all the advice and support (I mean REALLY, you don't know).

[thanksgivingmom]

Oooh yeah, that was nicely said.

I would definitely want to respond to that information sooner than later (the six weeks til the update) and if it were me sending an email like that (no matter what the motivation) I would hope for a response sooner as well.

Perhaps after what CJ said toss in one sentence (maybe you can commission her to write it? ) mentioning the quarterly update in about six weeks to put back in place that boundary of when updates/contact occurs. Just a thought....

ETA: By sooner than later I think next week is fine

[loveajax]

Thanks, Tmom! I definitely need to commission a writer!!

[SamIAm2]

Enjoy your vacation

[elledarcy]

Our last visit also ended with some guilt over the lack of visits, too. You would like to give more, but it's tough.

Sometimes my DH tries to play the "blame game" about visits too. I told him flat out that he is not helping and that he cannot leave all the adoption-related communication to me and then blame me when something upsetting happens! You and your DH should try to get on the same page, that way when you talk to your DD’s b-mom you could present a united front. Maybe she is more willing to come to you with what’s going on because she hopes you might “give in.” If you presented things as “DH and I were talking and decided…” then she will know that you guys are going to discuss and be unified in your decisions regarding what is best for your DD. I’m not saying she is purposely trying to manipulate you, but maybe subconsciously, see knows you are more willing to say, “we should visit more,” than if she brought it up with both of you.

[loveajax]

Elle, are we twins? I do EVERYTHING relating to the openness and then my DH is "criticizing" me. It's sooo annoying! He also is asking me to not contact DD's birth mom until the update letter and I will have to definitely get on the same page with him before I respond.

[sbaglio]

Karen, this sucks! I know how dedicated you are to your OA with your (adorable) DD's birthmother. I guess it's an ongoing negotiation. The others' suggestions are great, and you're obviously wise enough to wait before responding!

Have you guys talked about when DD's sibs will get to find out that DD is their sister (and vice versa)? You probably already have a plan worked out. After all this has blown over, maybe that is something you and her bmom can start talking about.