[Eponine]

love - I don't really have any advice for you but wanted to chime in on the DH that expects me to handle on the OA "stuff" (letters, pictures, etc) but then gets snippy when something isnt phrased how he would do it, etc.

I started outlining the letters first and having him "approve" it and make sure I include all the topics he wants to address before writing the letter itself. Oh, and making him choose the photos - although now, we send 35-40 every time instead of the 15-20 I picked out!

[Oceans]

LA: I have been thinking about your situation lately. I must have read something else you wrote but regardless, this has been on my mind (???) LOL.

It seems to me that you are rapidly approaching a time when you wont be able to visit without "fibbing" to DD. How much time will go by until DD let's it slip that her bmom is her bmom... You know?

Have you guys talked about this (you and bmom)? If she wont tell her DD about your DD then it really isn't fair to either of them to create a friendship that wont be able to continue IMO. This is so sad!

[loveajax]

we've had a couple long talks about it, bot for now dd's bmom says she will ''never'' tell....i told her we would never lie to dd and she understands that....i ''warned'' her that dd may spill the beans this year and she said if that happened she would tell older dd that she ''misunderstood.'' tough stuff!! thanks again, everyone!

[Leigh131313]

LA - I am horrified by what she plans to tell her daughter. This could cause some SERIOUS damage to your dd - as well as her relationship with her birthsibblings. You soooo have to know what happens when things like taht are said - birthsib will say to dd - "Nuh UH, I asked mom and she said you are wrong"

then what????????


Honestly, I don't think I could allow for this type of contact. This is SUPPOSED to be about your dd.......

If she can't be honest - I don't think she can be in an open relationship (at least not one that involves her children as well)

[Whirled_Peas]

Originally Posted by Cjmeck

Really, I don't think you have to "do" anything with that information. I would just say "I'm really sorry the last visit was so hard on you guys. I know it must be a little confusing to your kids. I'm sure you'll figure out a way to help them through it". End of story.

I agree with everyone this is probably the best response.

I also wouldn't get too upset about the sister's crying. Kids do that type of thing. I remember crying after a visit to my aunt and uncle in the next state. Someone's cat had kittens and I cried because I couldn't take one home. Kids can become "best friends" in an hour.

Or maybe you're right. Maybe they have overheard something, maybe not.

As far as the birthmom lying to the sister. I think you need to evaluate your role in that. I remember telling my cousin her mom had died. I'd gone to the funeral and she hadn't. Her father didn't tell her what happened. How messed up is that? I was 6 or 7, she was 1 or 2 years younger.

I recently overheard my mom talking about how she used to babysit my cousin after the mom died. Then my uncle said he wanted to do it differently, even though things were working out. I wonder if it had to do with me telling her about her mother.

Anyway, this is all weird stuff. I'd look long and hard at how much contact you want to have if your daughter might say something. The damage that could cause the older sister is unmeasurable. In years it could cause the relationship between the girl and her mother to fail. (Not just this one event, but the root source that is causing the mother to make this choice.) Hard to say what the ramifications could be for your little one.

[sbaglio]

Originally Posted by loveajax

we've had a couple long talks about it, bot for now dd's bmom says she will ''never'' tell....i told her we would never lie to dd and she understands that....i ''warned'' her that dd may spill the beans this year and she said if that happened she would tell older dd that she ''misunderstood.'' tough stuff!! thanks again, everyone!

That is such a difficult position for you to be in

[Cjmeck]

Originally Posted by loveajax

CJ, I like it!!! Do you mind if I just supercopy??? Thanks!

LOL Glad I could help! I swear, I can solve everyone's problems but my own... Goodluck!

[rtsmom]

I would be really uncomfortable with my child's birth siblings being lied to, but also included in visits. I think I would have to insist that if the sibs were going to attend visits, that they need to be in the know.

You don't need your child to feel like she's a 'dirty little secret' to her birth parents (which, apparently, she is). I would suggest that now that your daughter is getting older, that visits only include her sisters if they are aware they are sisters.

Good luck with this one. It's tough and awkward.

Janet

[aclee]

Originally Posted by Cjmeck

Really, I don't think you have to "do" anything with that information. I would just say "I'm really sorry the last visit was so hard on you guys. I know it must be a little confusing to your kids. I'm sure you'll figure out a way to help them through it". End of story. Of course its natural to be concerned, sympathetic, ect... but I would try not to read too much into it. Maybe she was just venting and you're the only person she vents to about adoption related stuff. And maybe you're right and she does have another motive. But you're right, getting testy with her surely won't help. That sounds like a tough situation. Hang in there!

Agree with this response as well. If her kids ARE upset, it's because they are confused. I don't know how bmom treats you DD in the visits, but the kids must wonder what the heck is going on....

[bprice215]

Honesty is always the best policy no matter what dear lady. Had I been there I'd have told both girls they were sisters and let the chips fall where they may. But I am direct and honest. You know what to do here.
bprice215

[thanksgivingmom]

As much as I COMPLETELY agree that all of the children need to be told the truth and who they are in relation to each other, I do think that it's not something that Love can just walk in and do.

I've absolutely heard of aparents that don't want the bparents to be the ones to explain the adoption, or in fact TELL the child he/she is adopted - that it's their parenting decision to make, etc. While I don't agree with what Love's DD's bmom is doing, I don't think that the decision should just be made for her. If Love just let that information out at a meeting, she wouldn't be the one that would have to deal with the fallout. She could just leave with DD....

The information ABSOLUTELY needs to be told, no doubt about it, but I think it's a trickier situation than just taking on that job herself. I think the information NEEDS to come from bmom to her daughters that she's parenting.

JMO

[Fran27]

Yikes. I would probably reply something in the line of 'it would probably be best if the sisters don't attend next time then, if they are confused' and emphasize the fast that unless they are told, you don't want them to confuse your dd either, so it would probably be best they don't come anyway...

Tough situation, I hope you find a solution.

[proudmum]

i have to agree with fran,,,, the last thing you want is your child to be mixed up with all this ,,,, that would be so confusing for her and thats the last thing that a child needs,,,,, thats her decision not to tell her kids but you dont need your childs confidence or sense of self worth knocked.

[belleinblue1978]

You could talk with your daughter's firstmom about how much of a relief it may be to tell her children and family. That was how I felt when I finally told my folks when my kiddo was about 1.5.

As far as the "dirty little secret" thing, that wasn't how I felt about my son. I felt like I was dirty and wrong and I didn't want to hurt my parents and brothers.

[Stormster]

I only want to point out that some Aparents enter situations KNOWINGLY thinking they can handle something and it isn't so easy to speak up after.

I don't judge anyone for doing this because I entered into an open adoption with someone I knew exposed DS to an unhealthy substance and that became hugely complicated. If I'd known more about addiction who knows if I would have agreed to such an open adoption.

Just something to think about. Aparents should feel like they take have taken responsibility for the aspects of open adoption they know about going in ....of course they can change their minds (esp. in a situation like this) but it would be thoughtless to say "oh I agreed to it in THEORY but now I can't handle it" it needs to be approached really thoughtfully. Love I don't know if this applies to you.

Our (meaning AP's) relationships with our children's birth parents can be complicated! I know it's about the children but we enter pre-arranged "contracts" sometimes knowing about tricky relationships and situations ...