[swd]

We are adopting a baby who has been in foster care since birth. He's been placed with us as a temp foster placement until the birthmom's rights can be terminated, and then we'll adopt him. The birthmom is out of the picture for the forseeable future, and the birth-grandmother would like as much contact with her grandson as we're comfortable with. She's stated that she doesn't want that to stand in the way of his adoption, so if we want to cut all ties, she won't fight it.

We met her for the first time by accident. She seems like a nice lady, and really wants what's best for him. However, in providing a family history for him, she revealed that there is a LONG history of drug use in the family, including her. She appears to be clean now, but doesn't have a fixed address. She also told us she has another daughter a couple of hours away who would like to be an aunt to him!

Part of me would love for all of them to be involved on some level, and part of me is terrified they'll try to take him back into the family. His birthmom may or may not ever resurface, and we weren't too worried about her, but with the rest of the family (mom and sister, at least, who knows who else is out there?) wanting in, should we be concerned?

How do you decide what you're comfortable with??? On one hand, I'd love for him to have more family to love him and on the other, the unknown scares me to death.

[Leigh131313]

We have extended birthfamily involved in our visits and such...it's worked great for us.

I think in your case - I would sit down with her and openly discuss your thoughts. Her drug abuse is a fact she has shared with you - you have every right to discuss it further!!

I would talk about how her being clean would be a requirement for contact and I would discuss how any new people wanting to enter would have to sit down with you and have this same discussion - andthen you would need to decide if you were comfortable with it.


We never had to do this - ours just kinda worked out right from the beginning, we've never had boundary/respect issues. In your case, I think you need to lay some groundwork.

[swd]

Thanks -- You're right. We need to establish some sort of ground rules, but I guess that's what I'm having trouble with. I'm not sure the Gmom knows we know about her drug past. That was provided by her to the state, and from the state to us. I'm sure she's smart enough to figure out that we'd have that info, but we haven't discussed it directly.

I'm awful at confrontation, and don't want to come across as "laying down the rules" even though I know as his mom I have every right to set whatever rules I want. How do you tell someone, "I don't know you, the adoption's not final yet, and I want some sort of boundaries to protect myself and my kid until I know you guys aren't wackos."??

[Leigh131313]

Yeah, I know it's uncomfortable.......but nothing about adoption is easy!! In our case we had this little form that we filled out. It didn't commit us to anything, but had some guidelines for us. One of them addressed alcohol/drug use (Basically stating that if either problems should arise, contact would stop until things changed)...Also, it stated that the arrangement was between US and if anyone else was to join into our relationship - it would be after a discussion and agreement from the other party. There were some other points too, but it was good that we all had to agree to the conditions - that way we were all on the same page.

Have you thought about having someone help you to discuss this with her?

[swd]

Actually, I'm going to talk to DS's caseworker next week and hopefully she'll have some ideas on how to approach this. I know she's met the Gmom, but I don't know how well she knows her.

Ugh... with everything that poor woman has been through, I just don't want to add to her misery/disappointment, but I also don't want to jump in blindly and then have to have a confrontation later.

[Stormster]

I encourage you to deal with the drug issues head on. Being in an open adoption with addicts has it's own particular problems that not everyone can or should have to deal with. It's tricky with older "lifers" people who have functioned (sort of) but done drugs on and off their entire lives...because it can sneak up on everyone after months of a great relationship.

But she may be a great lady who has remained clean....people have had hard and complicated lives. It's worth giving it a try! I did and I don't regret it.