[kelceesmom]

You are getting ready for work or your day. Your child comes to you and asks:

Mommy/Daddy was I your second choice because you couldn't have a baby?

How would you handle that question besides the obvious? Have you been kind of waiting for this question? Would it take you by surprise? I'm sure a lot of us might be betting close to this question and all though we think we will have the right words to say maybe someone has something to add.

[veggiegirl]

I'm not sure how DH would answer this question, but I can say with 100% honesty that adoption WAS my first choice. Odd as it may sound, I feel blessed that DH had cancer because otherwise we probably never would have adopted. DH used to want kids who looked like him and were his "blood". Also, adoption is so darned expensive and involved that bio kids seemed "easier and cheaper" to him - I think now he knows there is no such thing as an easy or cheap child! And, obviously, his thinking has changed. It just took a little education and talking with people who had/wer adopted to make him see this is how we were meant to make a family. I'll have to ask him this question tonight...I love thought provoking questions!

[specialk4b]

I would tell him that adoption is not a second choice, but a different choice. I as adopted by my mom and dad and wanted to adopt a child too. And I am thrilled that we are a family.

[ourdreamcametru]

I would tell her that she was not a second choice because we had two bio children. Adoption was just a way of adding to our family. Adoption was always something that DH and I discussed but knew that once we had bio children we would not be able to afford it. God had other plans and brought us together.
Great questions, I love the ones that give us more ideas for when we are "popped" with the big questions!

[mama_again]

If it were to ever come up, I would have to say it was 'always' my very first choice, and would probably take that day to stay home, love, and nurture every moment of that important day. I think to be chosen for something so wonderful as adoption and to be entrusted with a life so precious is far beyond my comprehension.
Wow, only a 1st for this mama and daddy too... We are amazed every day with the love, life and joy we all share... truly it is a first and of the utmost...
Loving every moment of every day....

[Fran27]

It's a tough one for people who really can't have biological children.

I think it would be hard to reply, because dh took much longer than I did to be ready for it... If it was just up to me, I'd say the truth, I didn't know much about adoption when we tried to have a baby, but once I learned about it it became my first choice. dh couldn't say that without lying though, so we'll have to work on an answer together.

[Stormster]

Well it's an interesting question really because for those AP's who had failed IVF treatments or other infertility issues that were insurmountable, it wasn't a choice. It was just the natural and invevitable (did i spell that right?) path to parenthood. There was no real CHOICE. (edited to add -- Although I suppose they could have "chosen" to not add to their family)

I think I would say: "There are lots of ways to make a family and adoption is just one of them. Each way is just the same and just as special."

This is also a great time to utilize all the wonderful stuff about OA such as:

Do you mean do I wish you grew in mommy's tummy? Well mommy was with you when you were inside L's tummy. She even cooked for you and watched as you came out into the world! Here's some pictures of you inside (3D ultrasound) and in our arms (hers and then ours) in the hospital!

We COULD and DID "have" a baby. YOU!

[nikkianni]

I could honestly answer that adoption was our first choice. We never tried any other way. We chose adoption and trusted that God would bring the child that was meant for us into oour lives. And he did!

[turtlet]

I think I would be honest and say that, yes, we tried to get pregnant first but that there is not a day that goes by that I don't consider myself lucky for not having gotten pregnant. Because if I had gotten pregnant, we would not have him as a son. I consider it God's plan for our family. I would honestly say that as soon as I saw him I never once again tried getting pregnant nor regretted not getting pregnant. And that the only reason we didn't adopt sooner was simply the costs, not because it was the last resort.

[finallyamom0310]

Stormster, I agree with you completely. Each AP's situation is different as to why you chose to adopt and that decision making process is something that in time, I will convey to my DD. I will tell her that my DH and I had always discussed adoption even before IVF and knew that we would always add to our family. If she asks why we took so long, my only explanation will be that God intended us to wait for her.

[mom2justynsarah]

I would be shocked if Sarah asked me if she was my second choice. She thinks my world revolves around her already. lol. (which it does..) No, but seriously, I would let her know that even though she grew in Dee's belly, she grew in my heart, and was always meant to be my daughter.

[elledarcy]

As we are one of those infertile couples, maybe I would say:

"Sometimes people think they want one thing, but God has another, better plan for them. So, when Mommy tried to grow a baby in her tummy (like most mommies and daddies do and like you probably will when you grow up), we were sad when no baby would grow. Then we found out about adoption and we met your birthmommy and she asked us to be your mommy and daddy forever. Now we know that you were the little baby God always meant us to have.”

When she’s older, she can analyze the theology behind the “meant to be” statement, but I guess for toddler years that would suffice…

[loveajax]

It's so odd you posted this, Denise, because I was thinking today about whether I would tell DD (when she is much, much older) about undergoing fertility treatments. I think I decided I would (because it's the truth). But I think I also would tell her that sometimes you need to go down a dark path before you find what you are really looking for. (My DH always says he is "grateful" for our infertility. I don't feel that way but I do know in some weird cosmic sense it led me to my daughter and for that I am thrilled).

Where the heck do you come up with your Tuesday topics...they are always doozies! Good job!

[kelceesmom]

love that is a great post. I, too, think that I will have to be honest with Kelcee as to "why" she came into our lives. Such as infertility and so on. We were always going to adopt but like so many others not until we had a bio or 2. Our path was just meant to be different. I'm just grateful that I was able to become a mommy no matter how I got there.

[SupaModel]

I would say mommy knew since she was very young that she couldn't physically have children and always wanted to adopted. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Definitely my first choice.