[elledarcy]

I love to think ahead, so even though DD is only 3 1/2 months old, we are already thinking about our next adoption. DH and I are both Caucasian and we said we would be open to a Caucasian or Hispanic child in this last go round. We really wanted to be open to a biracial child, but were afraid our families would not be supportive. My parents are good people, but I was also raised in a very racist household. My family has no problem using the N-word and generally degrading black people. Mind you this isn't an every day occurrence, but still. My FIL also taught in inner-city schools for 30+ years. Rather than giving him an appreciation for people of other races, it affirmed his views that poor, black children are stupid and classless. My DH has lots of brothers and sisters who probably wouldn't care one way or another what our child looked like. None of our friends would care either.

When we announced we were adopting, certain relatives kept asking if we were adopting a white child. "You're not going to adopt a black baby?" "You're not going to adopt a crack baby?" My family even made a few jokes about us being open to a Hispanic child until I put them in their place.

DH and I want to be open to a biracial child the next go round, but would it be wrong to bring a child into an environment like this? Not all our family members feel this way, but still, isn't family the place where you're supposed to feel secure in who you are? Would I constantly be correcting people? (I already have to do this on account of regular adoption issues) Would our child be made to feel inferior? Would our parents really open up and accept a child of a different race? Would we end up having to cut ties with certain people over their behavior? Would a biracial child feel left out in a family made up completely of crazy white people? I would never want our DD, who is white, to be favored or loved more than a second child because of color.

Are we risking the well-being of our future child? Our families aren't all that bad, but they use language and have attitudes that are offensive to us now and would be extremely unacceptable around a biracial child. I just wonder if I can reasonably expect them to change. Is just loving a child enough to make everything okay?

[SupaModel]

I have sooo many thoughts on this but I'll only give a few. Will your love be enough? I don't think so. Bring a child around ignorant pepole (yes, if they use the n-word and have racist ideas they are IGNORANT) is something I would not advise. I noticed you kept saying biracial. Is this better than full AA? I can tell you for some people the one drop rule still apply. Remember Obama is biracial but he sure looks AA.

As i've stated several times before i'm AA and DH is CC. 98% of our friends are CC. I'm the only AA I know in my community. Not saying I am the only one but I haven't met another that lived around here. I am saying this to say it can be hard period. You need a safe haven. When your own family members treat you like an outcast then that's a huge problem.

I can tell you I have met racist people and once they got to know me they changed their tune. With some of these people I also think they love me BUT would say i'm not black "black". KWIM?

I just feel like do you really want to bring your child into a situation where your family could possible damage them? I'm sorry but my child will never be around ANYONE who would make such comments.

[nikkianni]

We decided against AA/biracial adoption the first time around because of our families. They are nowhere near as flagrant about things as you're describing but there's enough ignorance, and Supamodel is right it's absolute ignorance, for us not to want to expose a child to that.
So yes, IMHO I think it would be doing the child a major disservice. This is supposed to be their family. The people they can depend on to love them unconditionally. If you don't think that can or will happen, I guess I'd think long and hard about AA/biracial adoption of any kind.
But again, that's just my .02.
And BTW, now that DD is actually here, even though she's CC, I know that my family at least wouldn't care if she was purple, so for adoption #2 we'll likely be open to any race.

[elledarcy]

Originally Posted by SupaModel

I noticed you kept saying biracial. Is this better than full AA? I can tell you for some people the one drop rule still apply. Remember Obama is biracial but he sure looks AA.

I definitely don't think it's "better," but I do think it might be easier for our families to accept a child who was at least part Caucasian. I think to the outside world, this child will always be seen as AA, but at least in our inner circle there would be some "similarity" there.

And to be clear, I also find the attitudes of our family completely unacceptable around our DD even though she is white. I really don’t want my child growing up believing it’s okay to be a lazy, ignorant racist. But I suppose it would be worse if we had a biracial or AA child because those comments would be directed at their race and their background, while DD can just write it off as the silly grandparents ranting. Maybe a child of another race could do that to?

[calee]

I feel that family members such as you have described are a detriment to ANY color child you have in your home. Your white child will hear and be affected by these comments. Racism is a hill to die on in my opinion, and if my family was this way and refused to change, they would not be influential in the lives of any of my children.

[elledarcy]

Originally Posted by nikkianni

They are nowhere near as flagrant about things as you're describing...

After typing all that out and re-reading it, our families do look pretty bad! Maybe after all these years I've of kind of become desensitized and just learned to ignore it as it is an area on which we will not agree (same with politics, religion, etc.).

Adoption #1 has also made me hopeful that they could “handle it” because I see how much they all love our DD. Maybe welcoming a child of another race into the family would be the thing that changed them? Wishful thinking…

[Fran27]

Ditto the above posters. I think it would be wrong to bring up an AA child in such an environment. This is also why we didn't try the transracial route, even if it wouldn't be half as bad I think... Of course there's always the option of cutting them out, but again, I wouldn't want my children not to have a relationship with their grandparents.

And whether a biracial or full AA child, the thought process should be the same... lots of biracial children don't look biracial at all.

[Stormster]

Wow I think a kid would pick up on that stuff. I think only certain families should adopt AA kids. We took BR off our profile when we learned that the baby may very well look full AA and when we thought about the reality of that we realized we weren't ready nor were some of our relatives.

The scenarios you are describing are pretty bad ...you'd be spending your life protecting the child and the child would most certainly pick up on it. I'd say not to bring a chid into that kind of extended family unless you are willing to cut them off completely. Quite frankly I'm surprised you haven't cut some of them off already!

There's a lot of great advice you can get on this site and from other sources. I really think you should research this issue thoroughly before moving forward with an AA adoption. Best of luck.

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by elledarcy

I definitely don't think it's "better," but I do think it might be easier for our families to accept a child who was at least part Caucasian. I think to the outside world, this child will always be seen as AA, but at least in our inner circle there would be some "similarity" there.

Yeah but what if the biracial child comes out dark and full AA looking. Will they still see the "similarity"?

Big gamble to take.

[elledarcy]

Originally Posted by calee

I feel that family members such as you have described are a detriment to ANY color child you have in your home. Your white child will hear and be affected by these comments. Racism is a hill to die on in my opinion, and if my family was this way and refused to change, they would not be influential in the lives of any of my children.

I agree. DD is still young, but I know we will have to be assertive about the things that are said around our child. Sometimes I feel like I am correcting everything they say (we are raising DD Catholic, my parents think religion is stupid… we are progressive and liberal, my parents are more conservative… we are welcoming and open to all types of people, my parents think they are better than everyone).

But they love DD so much, I guess I just overlook everything else and hope that DD will look to us as her main source of guidance…

[Vogi2002]

I personally would do it...and if they were ignorant (I would school them...LOL...give them a chance to change) I wouldn't be around them. One, because any child that is adopted will feel 'different' and if they don't love a child that is different than them...isn't that bashing all differences?

I decided that when we were adopting that it mattered more to me what WE were comfortable with and less to do with our families...if I was caught up in that I wouldn't do MANY things in my life (including marry so young...move...LOL).

That being said if you aren't prepared for contact to be cut off then I DO NOT believe you should adopt transracially. I also do not believe biracial babies will be any more tolerated than an AA child...and if that is so...isn't that attitude itself detrimenting to a child? I mean...to think he is only loved because he is half white?

I'm part german and if someone said...I would only accept PART german not full german because my family will have an easier time with it (not that this is what you are saying) I would feel like that is a slap in the face to my heritage.

Good luck...its such a shame the racism and hatred that lives in some people....my goodness the Devil really seems to have his claws in so many people still.

((big hugs)) it can't be easy for you...

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

I can relate to your concerns. I am looking to adopt from foster care, and even though my family lives out of state, I worry about how they would react if I adopted a non-white child. I haven't ruled out transracial adoption, but I would have to prepare both myself and the child for the potential problems that could arise. Living far away from my family makes it less pressing of an issue, but I do visit them at least once a year and would want to bring my child along for those visits.

[sbaglio]

I always wonder when people say "cut your family out of your life", as if that is so simple to do. When you come from a culture in which family is everything, the notion of doing that can be unthinkable. And these families often form parts of cultural communities, so isolation from them can be devastating.

So, if your family means that much to you (as well it might), don't disregard that and adopt a child of color, hoping for the best, or that people's attitudes will change. They may well do so, but they also may not.

As for the issue of AA and biracial kids, I have to agree with others. We are a mixed race family (DH is H, I am of black African descent), and DD is biracial (black/white). She looks like a light skinned child, or typically biracial. If her CC birthmother was constantly around us, perhaps the issue of her racial heritage might make a difference in how we or our families feels about that. But it is just her, and she is our daughter. We know that she is biracial, and others may suspect that, but in our experience, her birthfamily being CC has not influenced much or how we or our families relate to her.

[joskids]

I am CC, my husband is AA, one of our adopted children is AA, the other 3 are biracial (still, AA). If my family felt and expressed what yours does, I would adopt any child I felt that I could be a good parent for and would cut the family (or friends, whatever) completely out of my life. That may be stern to some, but I could never, whether I adopted a child of color or not, be around people who feel the way your family does. Maybe you are desensitized but I don't think you should subject a child to it. Nothing against you, personally, I've had friends who couldn't understand how I could kiss a black man and this was my best friend. I walked away from that friendship and haven't seen her in more than 15 years. So be it. The loss of her friendship is not nearly as important to me than is leading the life I was meant to live and raising my children to love who they are, regardless of color. BTW, two of our biracial children are biracial looking (whatever that is) and the other looks more full AA. To us, they are extraordinary. Maybe transracial adoption was easier for me because I already crossed that line when I married my husband. Yes, some in my family felt "uncomfortable" with what we may encounter. I can honestly say that in 12 years of marriage, we haven't had any issues. My husband is an investment banker, maybe that makes things easier somehow, although it certainly shouldn't matter. His family is VERY integrated. Interesting how black families accept their white relatives so often but turn those tables, and CC folks just can't cut it. It's a shame that you have to make a choice to suit your family. Give it some time and prayer and you will know your answer. Just remember that NOTHING is more important than the self-esteem of your child.

Blessings,
Josie

[aclee]

so I guess they are what they are. I am curious though how they react when you correct them for their use of the N word? I think that might help me answer more fully...