[Larue]

I'm interested in something you said in your original post. You said your family "joked" about the possibility of you adopting a Hispanic child, until you put them in their place. Why would this be any different with a biracial or AA child? Just curious. Can't you put them in their place again? Is one shade of brown more acceptable then another to them?

I know other posters are advising you not to adopt a biracial child, but I would say to follow your heart. I have a couple of pretty wacko family members, and I sure as "h...e..double fiddle sticks" wouldn't let them influence a single decision I ever made. Let alone something this important. This is between you and your DH.

As Vogi2002 said, the key is, what are you willing to do? When push comes to shove, are you willing to cut them out of your life if they won't change? Because protecting your child has to come first.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Family can be so fun sometimes. Best wishes with your decision!

[Yash]

Elledarcy,

I had to post. To me the fact that you allow your child around your family who so easily uses racist and derogatory comments saddens and frightens me because she too, like you, will become desentized to the things said and might even say them herself.

My sister let her son play outside while my BIL worked on the cars and did yard work. Well when things got dropped or went wrong, the "s" word would come out of his mouth. So what happened when my 2-year-old nephew's train wouldn't work properly, he said the "s" word. My BIL never thought anything about saying the word, he had become desensitized to it. Yet those little ears HEAR EVERYTHING. My sister got on her husband and son about the use of the word, but playtime while daddy was working came to an end.

I know it's not easy to cut your family out of your life or to ease back on visits, but your responsibility is first and foremost to your daughter and future children. And I can say that when one door closes, God opens another one. I had to cut out racist relatives from my life and without even seeing God brought an amazing new family into my life are amazing. I had two whole families that accepted me. Every Mother's Day, two women get a Mother's Day card for me because that's what they were and are to me. I was a stranger in a strange land and they opened their hearts and homes to me. At the time, they were doing it, I didn't even realize how God had answered my unspoken prayer for a family.

I have family members who are anti-adoption, yet I've been blessed with the most wonderful people who get adoption and are so incredibly to me and my kids.

It takes a STRONG person to walk away from those you love, but what wouldn't you do for your child?

It's naive of you to think that she won't hear the things that are said and how horrible would you feel if one day in her kindergarten class she tells a black classmate that they are stupid and classless and uses the "n" word. Particulary if that's followed by, well, Grandpa said it, etc..

Just because you never did it, doesn't mean she won't. And as much as you correct your family or reprimand them, it's still being said. And you're not with her nor will you be with her all the time. There will be overnights at grandma and grandpa's, trips to the stores, just alone time with these relatives and you won't be there when Grandpa makes a racist remark because an Asian guy cut him off.

A SW once told me that at a daycare she previously owned a three-year-old boy was playing house with this little girl in the kitchen play area. She watched them and couldn't figure out what the little boy was doing at the table with his hands so she asked him. He told her he was rolling a joint like his dad does when his mom cooks. Just because you never did it, doesn't mean she won't. And as much as you correct your family or reprimand them, it's still being said. And you're not with her nor will you be with her all the time. There will be overnights at grandma and grandpa's, trips to the stores, just alone time with these relatives and you won't be there when Grandpa makes a racist remark because an Asian guy cut him off.

Years ago on Montel, this biracial girl, who grew up with her CC mother and family, was taken aside by her uncles at her college going away party and was given the usual advice and instructions before going away from home. And then they told her, to watch out for the black guys because they were untrustworthy and dangerous.

She said part of her rejoiced that her uncles loved her and didn't see the color of her skin. They just saw the niece they loved and gave her the advice they would give their own daughters. Yet another part of her was deeply saddened because she was half-black and her father was black so what were they saying about her.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by Yash

I had to post. To me the fact that you allow your child around your family who so easily uses racist and derogatory comments saddens and frightens me because she too, like you, will become desentized to the things said and might even say them herself.

This is why I asked my question. I couldn't imagine letting ANY child around people who spoke this way, so I was wondering if this was something that she is already taking on, so her child is not exposed to it, or if this was something she was letting go now, but was considering taking on if she adopted a BR child.

That being said, if you haven't already addressed this type of racist behavior and language, it's something you SHOULD be, for the benifit of all your children, regardless of their color. JMO.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Originally Posted by sbaglio

I always wonder when people say "cut your family out of your life", as if that is so simple to do. When you come from a culture in which family is everything, the notion of doing that can be unthinkable. And these families often form parts of cultural communities, so isolation from them can be devastating.

I totally agree with this statement. I come from a Southern Appalachian background, and although I have broken with the norms of that culture by moving far away, I am still very close to my family (immediate and extended) and would want my child to feel that he/she is a part of the family. Fortunately I feel that my family would be able to accept my child regardless of race (though it might take some time), so it isn't as huge of an issue for me as it would be for some people.

[mommy2fiveplus]

Normally I would say "Just do it". However that is in the face of "passive racism". While not easy to combat it is far more likely to result in "change of heart".

I feel strongly that YOUR particular situation is far from passive racism, your extended family actively undermines other races and that is completely unacceptable if you do not want your children to take on these same belifes.

I would say just leave them in your dust, however it is not just ONE set of grandparents but BOTH and all children deserve grandparents. It will be awful difficult to someday explain to your children that one child's race and his/her grandparents negative view of such, is the reason they are unable to experience a familial heritage.

If I were you I would make my current mission to abolish any and all racism from your family now (if that is even possible). When you think you have managed that, test the theory, actively seek out friendships with couples of another race. Invite them to family/friend gatherings (advise them not to bring thier kids, just in case) and see how it goes, particularly AFTER they leave. Even comments made behind their backs will eventually get back to the "offending" person. Do you want that to be your child?

If you can succeed in ridding your family of this ailment then please share with the world and then consider transracial adoption. Transracial adoption is not an easy endeavor no matter the circumstances, adding family strife to that journey is no way to spend time enjoying your newly adopted child.

Adoption should be the sweetest most precious time spent enjoying your new child, not spent gearing up for a battle you may very well lose.

Good luck

[sbaglio]

Originally Posted by mommy2fiveplus

I would say just leave them in your dust, however it is not just ONE set of grandparents but BOTH and all children deserve grandparents. It will be awful difficult to someday explain to your children that one child's race and his/her grandparents negative view of such, is the reason they are unable to experience a familial heritage.

If I were you I would make my current mission to abolish any and all racism from your family now (if that is even possible). When you think you have managed that, test the theory, actively seek out friendships with couples of another race. Invite them to family/friend gatherings (advise them not to bring thier kids, just in case) and see how it goes, particularly AFTER they leave. Even comments made behind their backs will eventually get back to the "offending" person. Do you want that to be your child?

If you can succeed in ridding your family of this ailment then please share with the world and then consider transracial adoption.

If you can succeed at this, perhaps you can solve the problem of world hunger.

Seriously, though, let's all get real. The OP didn't come here for a verdict on her life or how she deals with her family. The tone appears to be turning accusatory, as if she is now somehow doing her DD a disservice by allowing her to be around her family members, in any and all circumstances. Warts and all, they are still her family.

I doubt that the OP was able to express everything that her family is in a few short paragraphs. At the risk of speaking for her, I would surmise that they are more than just spewers of racist banter. While these comments should be addressed when uttered, perhaps some simple advice on what she should do in this situation would suffice.

Prosetylizing to one's family may win over some, but will likely alienate even more. There are many ways to educate one's family, but I think that keeping them close and teaching those open to it, is far more effective than cutting them out of one's life. It is also more beneficial, in the end, for your children.

[Stormster]

To the OP ...those of us with racist friends or relatives get extremely desensitized to it. I'm sorry if you feel attacked in any way (not my personal intention) but I do suggest you really listen (with fresh ears) to the language that is being used.

I agree that it is no different than doing drugs or foul language (it IS foul language). It wasn't until after my mother died and I had some distance from her that I realized she was a racist! I remember her saying she didn't like to go to "those" movies (referring to a movie with an all AA cast) and other stuff...yet she dated an AA guy as a teenager in the early 50's and was the most honest and generous person I know.

People are multi dimensional and I was being facetious when I said "cut them out of your life" but children do pick up on EVERYTHING and it really is a poison ....I personally would treat it like a violent movie I wouldn't let DS see or horrible language I wouldn't let him hear AT ANY AGE!

Good luck!

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by elledarcy

After typing all that out and re-reading it, our families do look pretty bad! Maybe after all these years I've of kind of become desensitized and just learned to ignore it as it is an area on which we will not agree (same with politics, religion, etc.).

I also come from a racist household. (Well, not my Mom, but my Dad and my grandparents). From the time I understood they were making racist remarks I challenged them. I still do. My sisters and one brother have joined in. My father knows it is not acceptable and he chooses his words carefully around me. The bottom line is that silence is condoning that behavior. Like you said you have become desensitized. Sensitize yourself even if you end up not adoptiong a child of color because it will be important to any child you adopt.

“We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people,” Martin Luther King Jr.

Time to speak up!

[SupaModel]

I'm sorry but I just think it's wrong to bring a BR (biracial "looking" of course HOPEFULLY) child into a family when BOTH extended families are ignorant rascist.

I know all to well about being the only AA in the room and people saying things that are offensive and don't even know it. That's hard enough. I can't imagine growing up getting it from the people that should protect me. OP asked if they would treat the children different? Of course they would! In their eyes white is better. OP also said dad taught in an AA community for YEARS and still hates AA's. Now he's suppose to change?? My intent isn't to be negative towards OP but i am passionate about her not bringing a BR/AA/HS etc... child into that enviorment.

I will tell you when I first started dating outside of my race I had friends tell me how could I do that? After what they did to my people? All these sterotypes about CC men etc... I have been with DH for almost 10 years and ALL of those people are cut out of my life!! I wont take that from anybody and that includes family too. Thankfully both are families are not like that.

[Cjmeck]

Firstly, I want to tell you how good I think it is that you've come here and are exploring this topic. Transracial adoption can really force you to look at yourselves, your family, your friends, and the world around you in a different way. I'm glad that you've looked at your family and realized that they have issues. Big issues for any child; but especially for a non-white child. To sum it all up: LOVE DOES NOT CONQUER ALL. I wish it did, but no, love is not enough. One member of my family was slightly hesistant when I announced that we'd be adopting an aa/biracial child. But I would not call it out right racism like I see in your family; just a lack of experience with AA people. If I were you would I adopt transracially?? Not unless you plan to completely cut yourselves off from the racist family members. I just couldn't imagine bringing my daughter to your family's house for a BBQ or something. But if I'm being honest here, I also couldn't imagine bringing my CC son there either. I think your hearts are in the right place but its not the right environment for a non-white child. I'm sorry, I'm sure this must make you sad. My SIL married an ignorant, racist redneck so I know what its like to have jerks in the family; fortunately they live on the otherside of the country and we RARELY see them.

[Vogi2002]

Well cutting family out of my life would be the LAST resort...but it may come to that (I know many who have had to go there....) but I also know many who have not. I have talked to my family any time there is a racist remark (or stereotyping). They immediately changed thier tune.

I didn't grow up with grandparents...but we were surrounded by plenty of love from all around. Yes I love my family, they are my life. But if they refuse to change for my kids, well they wouldn't be my family, but even so I would give them an ultimatum. My family was pretty racist before my sister came (full AA, adopted at 9 months). My mom tackled all of them head on...now they are wonderfully open & loving with my kids.

Honestly...if you do decide to adopt transracially I would sit all of them down & have a real nitty gritty conversation about it BEFORE (very important) the adoption. Let them say what they have to say...and let them know that if they feel that way that is fine, but they darn sure better not utter a word or act like it around your child or THIS will happen. Be firm...yet educate them as well. Do your research first....have answers prepared to questions or comments you know they will ask.

People CAN change.

[nikkianni]

To the OP. I think the upshot is that you need to look at the worst case scenario BEFORE you go forward with your next adoption.
We've already started easing our families into the possibility of a non CC child the second time around. Some don't care, others just don't want to talk or think about it. Obviously, those are the ones we need to focus on.
But we believe our child will be accepted by most of our family members. We did have a very long talk about it and we're both willing to cut out any family members that can't accept a child of another race and would do or say anything hurtful. That is not an easy decision for either of us.
However, it's something that you very well may have to consider. Are you willing to go that far for your children?
Because that may be what it takes and it's not a pleasant or easy thing for anyone.

[elledarcy]

Originally Posted by sbaglio

Warts and all, they are still her family.

This is exactly how I feel. If we adopted an AA or BR child and they refused to change, then I absolutely would cut them out of my life because protecting my children is, of course, #1. If anyone refused to accept our first adopted DD, we were prepared to cut contact with people as well (luckily this has not happened).

But this is not easy. It would break my heart to do this.

Originally Posted by sbaglio

At the risk of speaking for her, I would surmise that they are more than just spewers of racist banter.

You have spoken for me perfectly. This is completely true. My FIL is a loving grandfather to almost 40 grandchildren! He doesn’t say inappropriate things around them at all (his little remarks are saved for the adults – lucky us!). My family is also made of up three people who absolutely adore my DD and would do anything for her. They are constantly visiting her, buying her gifts, hugging her, holding her, wanting to be around her. They are wonderful people, but they are very inconsiderate and think that they should be able to say whatever they want in our little circle.

In my family, my DD is the first grandchild, and since she is only three months old, my family hasn’t felt much need to limit themselves in their language whether it is swearing or talking openly about things that are inappropriate for children. I am constantly correcting them saying, “you can’t say that around the baby,” but they think we don’t have to worry about it until she learns to talk. I have also, frankly, given up trying to explain my values and ideals to them. When I talk about how my DH and I accept other people and don’t use racist language, I get labeled as a bleeding-heart liberal. I guess I really don’t feel like having these conversations any more, which just go round and round in circles. I don’t know how many times I can say, “that’s offensive” before I just give up and forget about it.

DH and I will be passing our values onto DD though and I hope and pray that she will embrace them and become the tolerant, loving person God meant all of us to be. I cannot hide racism from her though. I cannot pretend it doesn’t exist and that there aren’t people in the world that build their lives around hate. However, just like I would correct someone who said a swear word in front of her, I would not hesitate to speak up in front of my family for saying things she should not be hearing from them. While I’ve kind of giving up saying things for my benefit, I know I will have to for hers.

You guys have given me a lot to think about. I am still torn between being open to something that could be wonderful and fearing for our child’s well-being. I guess, like others have said, I would have to be prepared to cut off contact with grandparents who refused to change or limit their language. This would be extremely difficult and probably not really fair to our children. Maybe I will talk it over with our family members and see what they would think… if they are abusive about it, I guess I’ll just give up the idea all together. Sad.

[Stormster]

Good luck. This topic really makes us take cold hard looks at ourselves and our families ...even if you don't pursue an AA adoption I'm sure you'll be noticing racism a lot more now which is a great thing. Even if that is all that happens that is a lot.

Plus if you teach your family that the things they are saying are ignorant and cruel you will be doing a very important thing for the world! Never a bad thing!

[Fran27]

The thing is... Why do people think the race of the child matters so much that they're willing to cut off their family for it? Is it just wrong to ask for a CC child? Sometimes it's the impression I get on these forums... that not being open to race, even for good reasons, makes you a bad or racist person... I think it's much harder personally to realize that it would be bad for the child, than doing it anyway because it's easier...

Why get a child from another race when you KNOW it will cause problems? I would never bring a child to my home if I knew they would not be 100% accepted by my family or neighbors... Cutting family off for some might be an option, but I don't want to be the one telling my kids that they don't know their grandparents because they're AA!

Sure, some parents can say horrible things... and I wouldn't really want my CC children to be around racist people all the time either, but it's always possible to educate the kids afterwards... you can't shelter them forever, they will learn about racism eventually. You don't have to be around those family members all the time... but it's a lot different to just cut them off... which you would have to do with a child of another race.

I'm always saying that just because I wasn't close to my grandparents and not that close to my parents, it doesn't mean that I don't want my children to miss that opportunity.

I remember people saying that maybe they should not have married transracially then. It's different though. You don't choose who you fall in love with. You can choose the race of the child you will adopt. And I doubt anyone here would love a CC child any less than an AA child.

JIMO as always.