[mommamarci]

We went to a wedding this weekend. It was the first time most of my husband's family has seen Spencer. One cousin came over and asked questions. She asked if they had the same mom. I repsonded no. (I knew she meant birth mom.) Then she told me she knew a couple who adopted and then the mom got pregnant again so they got real brothers. I did not say anything. There were a lot of people around and I knew she was not trying to upset or offend. I did not want to hurt her or blow it out of proportion.

But...

I can't let go. They do have the same mom: ME! And they really are brothers.

In a case like this where there are a lot of people around and you know the person just did not know the proper terminology / etiquette, do you say something? Do you let it slide? I wish now I would have. In a few years if she says something like that in front of my boys, it might upset them. It might make them think I am not mom or they are not brothers.

What do you think? If it had been my family, I would have definitely spoken up, but I don't know dh's family as well and I don't like to rock the boat too much. Truthfully we only see this person maybe twice a year, so is it really a big deal?

[SupaModel]

You know i really didn't know proper terms until i came here and started watching adoption stories. Sometimes people really just don't know.

Whenever people ask me a question about DS mom/dad I say well his "birthmom/dad" etc... kinda correct them without making a big deal. If someones really offends me then trust me i will let them know.

[ourdreamcametru]

I think that since you know she was not being ugly I would not have said anything either considering it was at a wedding too. In the future should this happen again I would be nice and just say, "I understand what you are saying but we are trying to make sure everyone know correct adoption language so as to not confuse our children when they are old enough to understand. They do not have the same birthmother but they are real brothers and they are my children"

[tweetybirdus]

I think you were right not to call attention to her poor choice of words in front of everyone but possibly give her a call or send an email or letter letting her know the proper terminology and how hurtful comments like that can be to little ones when they are old enough to understand things more. It doesn't sound like she was trying to offend anyone, just curious. I'd make this an opportunity to educate. But this is just my opinion, would love to hear others.

[BrandyHagz]

I guess it depends.

If she says something in front of them five years from now, twice a year...will you have a problem with it?

If the answer is yes, then you need to say something.

Otherwise, she's going to wonder, in five years, why you've never said anything and its 'all the sudden'.

There are ways you can address it without coming off as a total meanie pants.

The language doesn't typically get better with time...an uneducated person now will be an uneducated person later (unless they adopt...) - what does change is your children's ability to understand.

[OakShannon]

As someone who is gay and who is adopting transracially through foster care, I have had many experiences like this - when people said something awkward or asked a potentially hurtful question - completely without meaning to. Sometimes people are just new to situations and they don't understand or know the appropriate language to use.

I think of those times as "teachable moments. (I'm an elementary school teacher.) And with a smile, I will gently and politely give them the correct language or correct their misconception. If we don't, how will they learn? I just answer while keeping in mind that I could easily do the same thing regarding other issues that I know little about. And I answer in the way I would like someone to answer me. Because I would want my mistake to be pointed out so that I knew better in the future.

[elledarcy]

I probably wouldn't have said anything either since it wasn't her intention to be rude. Most people ask about my DD's "mom" and I usually say, "her birthmom" somewhere in the reply to the question. If it's people I don't see much I don't correct them, but when someone in the immediate family uses the incorrect term I would say, "no, I'm DD's mom," or "we usually say 'birthmom' when we talk about her."

I get the feeling when people have about one or two adoption stories rattling around in their heads and just must share them with you when they find out your family has any connection to adoption. Generally these shocking sagas are along the lines of, "oh, my cousin adopted a baby from China and then got pregnant the next month!" or "my nephew is adopted and he just found his real mom!" or the “real brothers” story is along the same lines I think.

It's very tempting to reply, "That is fascinating! You mean one woman gave birth to two children and placed them both for adoption with the same family?! Why, I've only researched adoption information and poured over countless stories of adoptive families for several years now I've never heard anything like that! Remarkable!"

[Leigh131313]

I ALWAYS correct people - always. However, I don't do it in a way that would be hurtful. Say it with a smile, and say it kindly - but I always say it. It has really helped us now that DS is older - everyone is on board with proper terms.

[aclee]

My family, my rules...his family, he gets one shot and then it's my rules. In other words, I correct my family immediately, but nicely on the spot. I don't care if they are sitting on the Pope's lap, I educate. I don't let them brush it off with a "you know what I mean" either. His family, he gets one shot to correct them, or have a talk with them later, if they make the same mistake in front of me again, I will correct them my way. His mom said "Ty's parents" just over the weekend, and I looked at Mike, and he let it go, so I did too. I expect he will privately speak with her about it because she can be very defensive. If she says it again, I will correct her, because I have a right to be defensive too (two can play that game...lol)

For us, it works...he gets a chance to handle his family, his way...if he doesn't like my way, he should take advantage of that chance. If he wants to "chicken out"...I will address it. It's important to me. Part of our issue is that Ty's bmom's name is fairly unique so people have a hard time remembering it, so they try to say something about her, and dodge that and in the dodge, they are usually scrambling and don't say the right thing.

Long Answer, short? Yes, I address it.

[mommamarci]

Originally Posted by aclee

My family, my rules...his family, he gets one shot and then it's my rules. In other words, I correct my family immediately, but nicely on the spot. I don't care if they are sitting on the Pope's lap, I educate. I don't let them brush it off with a "you know what I mean" either. His family, he gets one shot to correct them, or have a talk with them later, if they make the same mistake in front of me again, I will correct them my way. His mom said "Ty's parents" just over the weekend, and I looked at Mike, and he let it go, so I did too. I expect he will privately speak with her about it because she can be very defensive. If she says it again, I will correct her, because I have a right to be defensive too (two can play that game...lol)

For us, it works...he gets a chance to handle his family, his way...if he doesn't like my way, he should take advantage of that chance. If he wants to "chicken out"...I will address it. It's important to me. Part of our issue is that Ty's bmom's name is fairly unique so people have a hard time remembering it, so they try to say something about her, and dodge that and in the dodge, they are usually scrambling and don't say the right thing.

Long Answer, short? Yes, I address it.

That is great advice! I think I will run that by dh. That sounds like a good plan. I am hesitant to say anything to his family because, after 5 1/2 years of marriage, I am still an outsider... (I think I always will be. And it is not just me. All people who marry in...)

Dh did speak up to an aunt. He, very intelligently, did not tell me until 2 days later after we were home! His aunt told him how lucky we were to "get 2 such 'pretty' babies at a young age so close together. That does not usually happen." He quickly corrected her that it does happen and that their looks had nothing to do with them being placed for adoption. She had the nerve to argue with him and tell him we were the exception and no one else adopts 2 infants in less than 2 years. He said he stuck to his guns and told her it does happen and we could even have another right away if we chose to.

I was so glad he did not tell me about this conversation. I would have knocked her head off. The 'pretty' comment bothered me a lot!

[nikkianni]

Our arrangement is much like aclee's.
I correct my family and DH corrects his. Of course DH is much less attentive so sometimes I have to give him a kick in the uh, pants when something is said.
Just Saturday we were at DH's little sister's open house and his aunt said something about "Eve's parents." Now had it been my family, I would've laughed and said, you mean me? But it's DH's family, so I let it slide. Also, they don't know the proper terminology and mean no disrespect by it.
But on the way home, I made sure to call DH's attention to it and let him know that DD doesn't understand right now, but she's going to start understanding very soon and we need to get this straightened out.
I know that next time he'll say something. Again, I may have to step on his foot so he notices someone actually said something wrong......but hey, no one's perfect.

[Vogi2002]

I wouldn't have said anything so much about the "real" part in and of itself but because she made it sound like it was "better" in a way than the brother he has. KWIM? Like "REAL" brothers are SO much better.

I would have been nice...probably saying "Well we do not plan on getting pregnant and besides, they are real brothers right?"

And smiling like a goob the whole time. If she makes comments (or anyone) all the time I would be more inclined to do so. The problem I have found is some people who say things like this & you don't speak up end up saying them ALL the time because they don't know it's inappropriate.

[Eponine]

I agree, a wedding isn't necessarily the place to say something like this (we went to a wedding over the weekend too and some awkward adoption-related moments). But I would, or have DH do it since it's his family, privately give her correct terminology to use. Like others have said, she meant no harm and was just trying to connect with you but doesn't know the right words. Or, she doesn't realize that your sons may find this hurtful.

I also agree with Brandy that you can't change what other people say, but can teach your children the appropriate way to react or interpret it. There are going to be plenty more situations like this in their lives.

Oh, and a little OT, but Mommamarci, I understand about not being a part of the family when you've married in. DH's family is the same way - even to people who have been married 20-30 years!!!

[Cjmeck]

I can completely understand why you just stayed quiet. Comments like those are innocent in nature. And seeing how you don't see her that often, I probably would have done the same thing. But it would probably be eating away at me too. You feel like you need to defend and honor your motherhood and your children; but at the same time, you don't want to go on the defensive all the time either. Its a hard balancing act.

[turtlet]

I do not say anything when people use the wrong terminology because I know they don't mean anything by it. I personally think we can be a bit too sensitive sometimes.