[Chicagohypno]

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Dear perspective parents, I wanted to give some warm and gentle advice and hopefully guidance for parents who are considering adopting a child or have an adopted child. My brief story:

At 37, I discovered for the very first time that my twin brother and myself were adopted. Prior to learning this information, I had believed the parents who adopted me were truly my biological family. In the 70s, it was the culture to not tell adopted kids the truth. I won't go into all the issues associated with my trubulent childhood other than to say I ended up developing some pretty severe problems as a result of not being properly reared by my adopted parents and also not being told the truth.

My adopted parents knew little about how to raise a child-but I do not blame them as their intentions were good. My adopted mother could not have children of her own and adopted both my twin and I. However, like most of us, she raised me in the fashion by which she was raised-with a style that is learned from generation to generation. When I acted out as a child, their reaction was not loving and understanding but to be more authoritarian.
Authoritarian basically means (Do it this way because I said so). They gave me little choice in making decisions for myself and used spankings and yelling as a way to cope with my mis-behavior. This is very common for parents to do, even today...however there are better ways!

(Of course we have come a long way since the 70s on knowledge of proper child rearing) Some of the problems I develped were attachment disorder, problems forming relationships with others in my adulthood and over aggression. My adopted parents split up at an early age and never told me the truth After their divorce, I lived in a reform school for kids from broken homes. When I found out I was adopted (after the death of my adopted parents at 37years old) I was very hurt and had to face the pain of knowing my life for the most part was a complete lie.

Today, I work as a hypnotherapist in Chicago and Social Worker. I'm a new member to this board and forgive me if I've posted a similar post in another forum, it's just that I am discovering how this wonderful board works.
From the moment a child is born (Some would say even in the womb) he or she will start to develop at a rapid rate from ages 0-2 years old. During this time, the child’s brain not only is growing at a phenomenal rate, but so is their personality. If the child you are adopting comes from a home of neglectful parents-you will really have your work cut out for you-but if are prepared and diligent, you can have a wonderful experience. Keep in mind that children who were earlier exposed to malnutrition and neglect are more likely to grow up being easily distractible and fearful of others. Here are some things you can do to really help this child you are adopting develop in a healthy way. I can’t stress enough the importance of this advice during these early years.

Infants


1. Talk softly to the child even when he or she cries. The child will instinctively know that you are new parents when you first receive them. The crying is basically a form of what’s known as separation anxiety-of course a lot of it can be hunger too! Talking softly to them will help the child feel safe, warm and go a long way to trust you. Their skills have no developed yet where they understand what has happened, only that they are scared and unsure of what they feel.

2. Touch is very important in the development of a child (Especially adopted) When mention touch, I mean gently rocking the child in your arms, holding the child, stroking the child’s skin in a soft and gentle way. Not only will this sooth the child, it forms a bond of trust and will help give the child a sense of confidence as he or she beings to develop. Children who are not touched by parents can develop a great deal of psychosocial problems growing up such as forming poor social skills and high anxiety.
Other problems associated to poor brain stimulation of a baby include:
Trouble managing stress-difficulty handling stress, delay in language skills, difficulty controlling anger.

Toddler:

1. Sharing a meal with the toddler
2. Game of Peek-a-Boo
3. A picture book prior to bed (Read by mom or dad)

I could continue on and on but the idea I want you to receive here is how important it is for the child to be mentally stimulated from an early age.

Finally-tell your adopted child the truth when the time is appropriate. ( I suggest at an early age).

If you would like some advice on some parenting styles that are effective, I would be glad to try and help. There are some ways you can raise your child after their infant years which will go along way to helping your adopted child develop into a healthy person. I hope this helps.

[oceanica]

Way too cute... which one is you?

[Chicagohypno]

I am the one on the left with his tounge all out

[Saya]

Frank - Just wanted to welcome you to the board, and say thank you for your excellent advice. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you to find out you weren't told the truth about something so important. I will always tell my daughter the truth about her origins.

And yes, the picture of you and your brother is very cute!

[RobinKay]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful post. My dh and I adopted our nephew and he is our treasure and blessing. I will be implementing many of your suggestions. Thank you again.

[JustPeachy]

Frank, if you care to disclose this, I'm curious as to how your twin took the news of being adopted as an adult and does he struggle with some of the same issues as you? If my questions are out of line or inappropriate, just ignore them (or tell me).

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Thanks for sharing your story. It's very sad that you didn't find out you were adopting until after your (adoptive) parents had died, because you never even got a chance to reconcile with them. I know that views have changed in the decades since you were adopted, so I hope that most parents today realize that not telling their children they are adopted only reinforces the perception that being adopted is something to be ashamed of.

[devildogwife]

Welcome to the boards Frank.

Thank you for sharing your story with us and for the advice.

[Amber76]

Thanks for sharing a view from a different perspective with all of us adoptive parents!

[Chicagohypno]

My twin took the news the same as I did. Shocked, denial then anger and of course confusion. He did however jump right into things with the newly discovered family where I took my time and remain distant.

For me, I don't want anything to do with my biological side. I'm not angry with them or have any malice. It's just that since my earliest memories, I remember my adopted mom. I'd rather leave it that way.

[BethanyB]

Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I agree that the pic of you and your twin is adorable.