Members List Photos Events Local Adoption Support Search Arcade Reviews Membership Upgrade
Welcome to the Forums. Register
If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ. You may have to register before you can post or search: click here to proceed. To start viewing messages, select a forum below that you would like to view or click View All of Todays Posts.
Forum Categories
User Name
Password

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-27-2008, 08:16 PM
SupaModel's Avatar
SupaModel SupaModel is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 478
Total Points: 25,833.24
Donate
Are closed adoptions persona non grata here?!

We have a semi OA with DS bmom. We agreed to sending pix and letter updates until 18yrs old. If we want more contact I have bmom email address and contact info etc...

I actually really like bmom and I have no idea where our relationship will go but right now we are just taking it as is.

It seem to me that there is this negative stigma (on boards) with wanting a closed adoption. I have a friend who has 2 daughters she adopted and she hasn't told them and don't know if she will. Is she considered a bad mom?

Although I will tell DS from the begining he's adopted I think if some other AP's decided not to it's really their business.

Sometimes it just seems that if you don't have this amazing OA with bmom calling, visiting, emailing, staying with etc... then you must have some barbaric way of thinking.

Just throwing it out there.
__________________
11/07 Meet w/ Agency
11/14/07 Signed w/ Agency
12/28/07 Homestudy complete
3/8/08 Baby H born
3/14/08 He's home!!
4/2/08 1st of 3 visits w/ SW
5/14/08 2nd visit w/ SW done
5/15/08 TPR Hearing DONE!!!!!
6/18/08 final visit w/ SW completed!!!!
7/7/08 Agency filed for finalization
10/08/08 Finalization Date!!!!
Reply With Quote

Adoption Information
Become an adoption forums premium member to enjoy these Membership Benefits:
  • Remove Advertising
  • Unlimited Arcade
  • Unlimited Attachments
  • Increased PM Storage
  • Calendar Posting
  • Larger Avatars
  • Personal Page
  • Just $19.95 / yr!
Rob & Farris (HI)
are hoping to adopt
Rob & Farris hoping to adopt A Service of Adoption Profiles

  #2  
Old 06-27-2008, 08:24 PM
aclee's Avatar
aclee aclee is offline
Irish Mafia Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,291
Total Points: 99,834.59
Donate
It's not about what the aparents wants or doesn't want to do, or wants or doesn't want the child to know. It's the child's history...they have a right to know it. If you choose not to have an open adoption, that's one thing, but not telling a child they are adopted is another, and yes, in my opinion that is very wrong and a huge parenting mistake they could pay dearly for in the end. JMO.
__________________
Read about our journey...http://callahancrew.blogspot.com/

10-11/07 - We complete all our home study visits, requirements, and paperwork!
12/17/07 - Our home study is complete and approved by the agency director.
01/27/08 - We get the call about a baby boy who is less than 24 hours old! We submit and get the call 1 hour later that we were chosen and should get on a plane!
01/28/08 - Tyler is in our arms! He is less that 48 hours old
01/31/08 - We go to Court, all consents are signed and he's OURS!
02/07/08 - Back home in MA with Tyler!!!!
04/03/08 - 1st post placement visit with our SW.
05/25/08 - 2nd post placement visit with our SW.
07/08 - Final Visit and submit paperwork for finalization! Can't wait!
08/08 - I might be researching our next adoption already Will it be through or ...stay tuned...

Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-27-2008, 08:31 PM
loveajax loveajax is online now
Senior Member

Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,134
Total Points: 93,707.55
Donate
Supa, we are in an OA with DD's birth parents. DH (and his two sibs) are from a closed adoption. I don't think people should say what is "best" or not in any situation (and in fact, I have friends who wanted an OA, but the birth parents didn't).

I do feel REALLY strongly though that even in closed situations, kids should know that they are adopted. It is basically a fundamental lie otherwise, and why would any parent want that kind of "secret" hanging over their head? I mean, seriously, just practically speaking, will they tell their kids' doctors their own medical histories? I personally don't try not to "judge" anyone else, but I think virtually every adoption professional (and social worker, doctor, etc.) would agree that keeping adoption as a "secret" is a bad idea.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-27-2008, 08:36 PM
SupaModel's Avatar
SupaModel SupaModel is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 478
Total Points: 25,833.24
Donate
Quote:
Originally Posted by aclee
If you choose not to have an open adoption, that's one thing, but not telling a child they are adopted is another.

I do agree with this. I think finding out later in life would be devastating.

edited to say - My personally feelings I will tell DS definitely right away but I will not judge others who decide not to tell. That's their life and issues.
__________________
11/07 Meet w/ Agency
11/14/07 Signed w/ Agency
12/28/07 Homestudy complete
3/8/08 Baby H born
3/14/08 He's home!!
4/2/08 1st of 3 visits w/ SW
5/14/08 2nd visit w/ SW done
5/15/08 TPR Hearing DONE!!!!!
6/18/08 final visit w/ SW completed!!!!
7/7/08 Agency filed for finalization
10/08/08 Finalization Date!!!!

Last edited by SupaModel : 06-27-2008 at 08:43 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-27-2008, 08:42 PM
Asha0314 Asha0314 is offline
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 100
Total Points: 3,301.89
Donate
Hi,
Having a closed adoption is not the same as not telling the child he/she is adopted.

I am in a closed adoption and I will make sure my child knows she is adopted as she is growing up. I will give her my complete support should she choose to search for her birth family.

I think I would be making a huge mistake if I let her grow up not knowing she was adopted.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-27-2008, 08:45 PM
aclee's Avatar
aclee aclee is offline
Irish Mafia Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,291
Total Points: 99,834.59
Donate
I like to refer to a set of twins that I know that are adopted. Identical twins adopted in the closed era. They are "ok" not knowing the details about their bparents. They have always known they were adopted. One would very much like to search for their bparents, the other very much doesn't want to search, and doesn't want his brother to search either...so he doesn't. There is no 100% right or wrong answer for open adoption....especially when you take in consideration the many ways people adopt... international, foster care etc. However I think if more parents left their mind open to, and gave their child the tools to make their own choice while remaining neutral, as opposed to choosing the arrangement that they were comfortable with, I think more children would grow up with healthy outlooks on their adoption. Basically, the choice about open or closed should be more about the child, and less about what the aparents want....

ETA: My opinion of course!
__________________
Read about our journey...http://callahancrew.blogspot.com/

10-11/07 - We complete all our home study visits, requirements, and paperwork!
12/17/07 - Our home study is complete and approved by the agency director.
01/27/08 - We get the call about a baby boy who is less than 24 hours old! We submit and get the call 1 hour later that we were chosen and should get on a plane!
01/28/08 - Tyler is in our arms! He is less that 48 hours old
01/31/08 - We go to Court, all consents are signed and he's OURS!
02/07/08 - Back home in MA with Tyler!!!!
04/03/08 - 1st post placement visit with our SW.
05/25/08 - 2nd post placement visit with our SW.
07/08 - Final Visit and submit paperwork for finalization! Can't wait!
08/08 - I might be researching our next adoption already Will it be through or ...stay tuned...


Last edited by aclee : 06-27-2008 at 08:48 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 06-27-2008, 08:45 PM
lahdh4's Avatar
lahdh4 lahdh4 is offline
Night Owl and Music Lover

Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,721
Total Points: 1,957,593.55
Donate
Quote:
Originally Posted by SupaModel
It seem to me that there is this negative stigma (on boards) with wanting a closed adoption. I have a friend who has 2 daughters she adopted and she hasn't told them and don't know if she will. Is she considered a bad mom?


Having a closed adoption is one thing, not telling the child is something else all together. IMO not telling a child could actually do more harm then good. Could bring up some major trust issues if the child finds out on their own or if someone says something without knowing.
__________________


Liable to Change
http://lhjh4.wordpress.com/
"One day I will be faith filled
I'll be trusting and spacious, authentic and grounded and home"
Alannis -- Incomplete


No day but today.... Rent


I can't remember to forget you

Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-27-2008, 08:51 PM
blessedbybug's Avatar
blessedbybug blessedbybug is offline
and now, Little Roo too!
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,927
Total Points: 1,273,309.24
Donate
Quote:
Originally Posted by SupaModel
We have a semi OA with DS bmom. We agreed to sending pix and letter updates until 18yrs old. If we want more contact I have bmom email address and contact info etc...

I actually really like bmom and I have no idea where our relationship will go but right now we are just taking it as is.

It seem to me that there is this negative stigma (on boards) with wanting a closed adoption. I have a friend who has 2 daughters she adopted and she hasn't told them and don't know if she will. Is she considered a bad mom?

Although I will tell DS from the begining he's adopted I think if some other AP's decided not to it's really their business.

Sometimes it just seems that if you don't have this amazing OA with bmom calling, visiting, emailing, staying with etc... then you must have some barbaric way of thinking.

Just throwing it out there.

You're talking about two different things right?

1) closed adoption
2) not telling a child he/she was adopted

First off, how open or closed an adoption is should be the decision of those involved and no one else. It is not a one sided decision (as in one part states they want an open, but not really) but it is a personal decision and should be made based on the unique circumstances contained in the relationship between the two families who are part of the child's life. If one seeks a closed adoption for legit reasons ( or reasons that both parties agree to) then they should accept that regardless of what is said by others. I would have to leave that decision up to the people intimately involved in the relationships.

The second thing though... and it takes a lot for me to say this as it is passing judgement, but not telling a child he/she was adopted is reckless parenting, a selfish act in a role that should be whollly unselfish. It not only jeopardizes the well-being of the person who was placed in your care with the understanding that the child would be cared for, it completely denies for the person who was adopted a whole part of who they are. It denies a person to completely know themselves. Not to mention how it jeopardizes their relationship with the child they raised. Reckless behavior for sure.
__________________
Tammy
Momma to Two Great Kids!!!!
... and considering foster care

Reply With Quote

California

 
 

  #9  
Old 06-27-2008, 08:56 PM
Vogi2002's Avatar
Vogi2002 Vogi2002 is online now
Senior Member

Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,546
Total Points: 604,921.05
Donate
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessedbybug
You're talking about two different things right?

1) closed adoption
2) not telling a child he/she was adopted

First off, how open or closed an adoption is should be the decision of those involved and no one else. It is not a one sided decision (as in one part states they want an open, but not really) but it is a personal decision and should be made based on the unique circumstances contained in the relationship between the two families who are part of the child's life. If one seeks a closed adoption for legit reasons ( or reasons that both parties agree to) then they should accept that regardless of what is said by others. I would have to leave that decision up to the people intimately involved in the relationships.

The second thing though... and it takes a lot for me to say this as it is passing judgement, but not telling a child he/she was adopted is reckless parenting, a selfish act in a role that should be whollly unselfish. It not only jeopardizes the well-being of the person who was placed in your care with the understanding that the child would be cared for, it completely denies for the person who was adopted a whole part of who they are. It denies a person to completely know themselves. Not to mention how it jeopardizes their relationship with the child they raised. Reckless behavior for sure.

Took the (much nicer & more eloquent) words right out of my mouth!!!!

I don't think passing judgment is a totally bad thing anyways...sometimes you have to be real with someone & just tell them that you DO NOT agree with something. Not everything has to be PC.
__________________
"Sometimes on the way to a dream, you get lost and find a better one!"
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-27-2008, 09:12 PM
JPDakota's Avatar
JPDakota JPDakota is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 780
Total Points: 6,361.25
Donate
Pretty Much a Bad Thing, Yes

Children should always know they're adopted. In fact, I believe it is best to tell them early and fairly often. I want my daughter to be unable to identify when or how she was told. That's trauma in my opinion. I always knew I was adopted. There was no big traumatic event for me. There was no secret that may lead me at whatever age to reason that being adopted is a bad thing or an embarrassing thing. I never had to feel horribly lied to by the very people I trusted most.

But, I was in a closed adoption and so is my daughter. And yes, on this board, it is a bad thing to be in a closed adoption. I get told all kinds of nasty things like if I really wanted what's best for my child I would embrace open adoption. Or condescending things like "everyone can't handle an open adoption so it isn't for everyone". Or "if you do research you'd know that open adoption is best for the child". I'm too tired tonight to debate the merits. Bottom line - I believe that closed adoption is best for a child, and yes, on this board, that makes me bad, selfish, weak and uneducated. But not from everybody here and not all the time. At the end of the day, decent people parent in the best way they know how, and that may be open or closed or something in between. Those that believe I'm awful for my choices have a right to parent in their way. They love their children, too. Reasonable people can disagree. That's evident here as well.

Edited to correct spelling
__________________
JPDakota
"If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." - Sherlock Holmes
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 06-27-2008, 09:45 PM
TxMom65's Avatar
TxMom65 TxMom65 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 583
Total Points: 8,413.97
Donate
I adopted my daughter from foster care, so I have a closed adoption at the suggestion of the state.

My daughter was close to a step-grandfather and has recently asked about contact with him. My husband and I discussed this with social workers and our counselor and all said that he never respected boundaries. He slipped her his new phone number once when she was 5 and told her to secretly call him. He tracked down the foster family and went to their house.

He is probably harmless but is there a way to reconcile this? We thought of a PO Box in a nearby town and sending letters. I just don't know if he can comply. I made an appt. with our counselor to go over some of these things.

I'm just rambling but my intention was to say that I think it has to be whatever works for each family with the child as the focus. It would be better for my daughter to have the support of grandpa. I am not sure I'm ready to take that chance. I don't think typical adoptions face these situations.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-27-2008, 09:52 PM
Asha0314 Asha0314 is offline
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 100
Total Points: 3,301.89
Donate
Quote:
And yes, on this board, it is a bad thing to be in a closed adoption. I get told all kinds of nasty things like if I really wanted what's best for my child I would embrace open adoption. Or condescending things like "everyone can't handle an open adoption so it isn't for everyone". Or "if you do research you'd know that open adoption is best for the child".

Wow, I figured open was the preferred status here but I didn't know closed adoptions were frowned upon that much.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-28-2008, 03:12 AM
Fran27 Fran27 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,012
Total Points: 108,491.57
Donate
I don't think closed adoptions are frowned upon that much here either. At least, I haven't felt that way... For us it's pretty much closed on our hand, we send pictures and letters but never hear anything back. Not our decision though.

But anyway, I think it's selfish also not to tell a child that they are adopted. They deserve to know! What if they do some DNA labs in school or something, or that they end up getting sick and you lie about their medical history to the doctor? It's just wrong.
__________________
Started Domestic Adoption 12/05
In the books 05/06
Got the call 02/25/08 - Christopher and Elizabeth born that day!
Our Journey
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-28-2008, 03:33 AM
SupaModel's Avatar
SupaModel SupaModel is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 478
Total Points: 25,833.24
Donate
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessedbybug
You're talking about two different things right?

1) closed adoption
2) not telling a child he/she was adopted

Yes.. my intended OP was to focus more on the closed adoption and what I see to be a lot of negative judgement on here. Although my adoption is a semi OA and I am VERY happy I met bmom. I also can understand why some people want a closed adoption and I believe it's their right to make that choice.

Trust me not telling a child he/she is adopted is something I DO NOT agree with. I just mention a friend becaue although this is the path she and DH are taking and it's something I would never do, who am I to judge? That's the only reason why I brought up her situation.

edited to say - Fran I meant AP's who decide they want the closed adoption. I think your situation is different because you guys actually want a more OA right?
__________________
11/07 Meet w/ Agency
11/14/07 Signed w/ Agency
12/28/07 Homestudy complete
3/8/08 Baby H born
3/14/08 He's home!!
4/2/08 1st of 3 visits w/ SW
5/14/08 2nd visit w/ SW done
5/15/08 TPR Hearing DONE!!!!!
6/18/08 final visit w/ SW completed!!!!
7/7/08 Agency filed for finalization
10/08/08 Finalization Date!!!!

Last edited by SupaModel : 06-28-2008 at 03:42 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-28-2008, 04:39 AM
Stormster's Avatar
Stormster Stormster is offline
Premium Member