[SupaModel]

We have a semi OA with DS bmom. We agreed to sending pix and letter updates until 18yrs old. If we want more contact I have bmom email address and contact info etc...

I actually really like bmom and I have no idea where our relationship will go but right now we are just taking it as is.

It seem to me that there is this negative stigma (on boards) with wanting a closed adoption. I have a friend who has 2 daughters she adopted and she hasn't told them and don't know if she will. Is she considered a bad mom?

Although I will tell DS from the begining he's adopted I think if some other AP's decided not to it's really their business.

Sometimes it just seems that if you don't have this amazing OA with bmom calling, visiting, emailing, staying with etc... then you must have some barbaric way of thinking.

Just throwing it out there.

[aclee]

It's not about what the aparents wants or doesn't want to do, or wants or doesn't want the child to know. It's the child's history...they have a right to know it. If you choose not to have an open adoption, that's one thing, but not telling a child they are adopted is another, and yes, in my opinion that is very wrong and a huge parenting mistake they could pay dearly for in the end. JMO.

[loveajax]

Supa, we are in an OA with DD's birth parents. DH (and his two sibs) are from a closed adoption. I don't think people should say what is "best" or not in any situation (and in fact, I have friends who wanted an OA, but the birth parents didn't).

I do feel REALLY strongly though that even in closed situations, kids should know that they are adopted. It is basically a fundamental lie otherwise, and why would any parent want that kind of "secret" hanging over their head? I mean, seriously, just practically speaking, will they tell their kids' doctors their own medical histories? I personally don't try not to "judge" anyone else, but I think virtually every adoption professional (and social worker, doctor, etc.) would agree that keeping adoption as a "secret" is a bad idea.

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by aclee

If you choose not to have an open adoption, that's one thing, but not telling a child they are adopted is another.

I do agree with this. I think finding out later in life would be devastating.

edited to say - My personally feelings I will tell DS definitely right away but I will not judge others who decide not to tell. That's their life and issues.

[Asha0314]

Hi,
Having a closed adoption is not the same as not telling the child he/she is adopted.

I am in a closed adoption and I will make sure my child knows she is adopted as she is growing up. I will give her my complete support should she choose to search for her birth family.

I think I would be making a huge mistake if I let her grow up not knowing she was adopted.

[aclee]

I like to refer to a set of twins that I know that are adopted. Identical twins adopted in the closed era. They are "ok" not knowing the details about their bparents. They have always known they were adopted. One would very much like to search for their bparents, the other very much doesn't want to search, and doesn't want his brother to search either...so he doesn't. There is no 100% right or wrong answer for open adoption....especially when you take in consideration the many ways people adopt... international, foster care etc. However I think if more parents left their mind open to, and gave their child the tools to make their own choice while remaining neutral, as opposed to choosing the arrangement that they were comfortable with, I think more children would grow up with healthy outlooks on their adoption. Basically, the choice about open or closed should be more about the child, and less about what the aparents want....

ETA: My opinion of course!

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by SupaModel

It seem to me that there is this negative stigma (on boards) with wanting a closed adoption. I have a friend who has 2 daughters she adopted and she hasn't told them and don't know if she will. Is she considered a bad mom?

Having a closed adoption is one thing, not telling the child is something else all together. IMO not telling a child could actually do more harm then good. Could bring up some major trust issues if the child finds out on their own or if someone says something without knowing.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by SupaModel

We have a semi OA with DS bmom. We agreed to sending pix and letter updates until 18yrs old. If we want more contact I have bmom email address and contact info etc...

I actually really like bmom and I have no idea where our relationship will go but right now we are just taking it as is.

It seem to me that there is this negative stigma (on boards) with wanting a closed adoption. I have a friend who has 2 daughters she adopted and she hasn't told them and don't know if she will. Is she considered a bad mom?

Although I will tell DS from the begining he's adopted I think if some other AP's decided not to it's really their business.

Sometimes it just seems that if you don't have this amazing OA with bmom calling, visiting, emailing, staying with etc... then you must have some barbaric way of thinking.

Just throwing it out there.

You're talking about two different things right?

1) closed adoption
2) not telling a child he/she was adopted

First off, how open or closed an adoption is should be the decision of those involved and no one else. It is not a one sided decision (as in one part states they want an open, but not really) but it is a personal decision and should be made based on the unique circumstances contained in the relationship between the two families who are part of the child's life. If one seeks a closed adoption for legit reasons ( or reasons that both parties agree to) then they should accept that regardless of what is said by others. I would have to leave that decision up to the people intimately involved in the relationships.

The second thing though... and it takes a lot for me to say this as it is passing judgement, but not telling a child he/she was adopted is reckless parenting, a selfish act in a role that should be whollly unselfish. It not only jeopardizes the well-being of the person who was placed in your care with the understanding that the child would be cared for, it completely denies for the person who was adopted a whole part of who they are. It denies a person to completely know themselves. Not to mention how it jeopardizes their relationship with the child they raised. Reckless behavior for sure.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

You're talking about two different things right?

1) closed adoption
2) not telling a child he/she was adopted

First off, how open or closed an adoption is should be the decision of those involved and no one else. It is not a one sided decision (as in one part states they want an open, but not really) but it is a personal decision and should be made based on the unique circumstances contained in the relationship between the two families who are part of the child's life. If one seeks a closed adoption for legit reasons ( or reasons that both parties agree to) then they should accept that regardless of what is said by others. I would have to leave that decision up to the people intimately involved in the relationships.

The second thing though... and it takes a lot for me to say this as it is passing judgement, but not telling a child he/she was adopted is reckless parenting, a selfish act in a role that should be whollly unselfish. It not only jeopardizes the well-being of the person who was placed in your care with the understanding that the child would be cared for, it completely denies for the person who was adopted a whole part of who they are. It denies a person to completely know themselves. Not to mention how it jeopardizes their relationship with the child they raised. Reckless behavior for sure.

Took the (much nicer & more eloquent) words right out of my mouth!!!!

I don't think passing judgment is a totally bad thing anyways...sometimes you have to be real with someone & just tell them that you DO NOT agree with something. Not everything has to be PC.

[JPDakota]

Children should always know they're adopted. In fact, I believe it is best to tell them early and fairly often. I want my daughter to be unable to identify when or how she was told. That's trauma in my opinion. I always knew I was adopted. There was no big traumatic event for me. There was no secret that may lead me at whatever age to reason that being adopted is a bad thing or an embarrassing thing. I never had to feel horribly lied to by the very people I trusted most.

But, I was in a closed adoption and so is my daughter. And yes, on this board, it is a bad thing to be in a closed adoption. I get told all kinds of nasty things like if I really wanted what's best for my child I would embrace open adoption. Or condescending things like "everyone can't handle an open adoption so it isn't for everyone". Or "if you do research you'd know that open adoption is best for the child". I'm too tired tonight to debate the merits. Bottom line - I believe that closed adoption is best for a child, and yes, on this board, that makes me bad, selfish, weak and uneducated. But not from everybody here and not all the time. At the end of the day, decent people parent in the best way they know how, and that may be open or closed or something in between. Those that believe I'm awful for my choices have a right to parent in their way. They love their children, too. Reasonable people can disagree. That's evident here as well.

Edited to correct spelling

[TxMom65]

I adopted my daughter from foster care, so I have a closed adoption at the suggestion of the state.

My daughter was close to a step-grandfather and has recently asked about contact with him. My husband and I discussed this with social workers and our counselor and all said that he never respected boundaries. He slipped her his new phone number once when she was 5 and told her to secretly call him. He tracked down the foster family and went to their house.

He is probably harmless but is there a way to reconcile this? We thought of a PO Box in a nearby town and sending letters. I just don't know if he can comply. I made an appt. with our counselor to go over some of these things.

I'm just rambling but my intention was to say that I think it has to be whatever works for each family with the child as the focus. It would be better for my daughter to have the support of grandpa. I am not sure I'm ready to take that chance. I don't think typical adoptions face these situations.

[Asha0314]

And yes, on this board, it is a bad thing to be in a closed adoption. I get told all kinds of nasty things like if I really wanted what's best for my child I would embrace open adoption. Or condescending things like "everyone can't handle an open adoption so it isn't for everyone". Or "if you do research you'd know that open adoption is best for the child".

Wow, I figured open was the preferred status here but I didn't know closed adoptions were frowned upon that much.

[Fran27]

I don't think closed adoptions are frowned upon that much here either. At least, I haven't felt that way... For us it's pretty much closed on our hand, we send pictures and letters but never hear anything back. Not our decision though.

But anyway, I think it's selfish also not to tell a child that they are adopted. They deserve to know! What if they do some DNA labs in school or something, or that they end up getting sick and you lie about their medical history to the doctor? It's just wrong.

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

You're talking about two different things right?

1) closed adoption
2) not telling a child he/she was adopted

Yes.. my intended OP was to focus more on the closed adoption and what I see to be a lot of negative judgement on here. Although my adoption is a semi OA and I am VERY happy I met bmom. I also can understand why some people want a closed adoption and I believe it's their right to make that choice.

Trust me not telling a child he/she is adopted is something I DO NOT agree with. I just mention a friend becaue although this is the path she and DH are taking and it's something I would never do, who am I to judge? That's the only reason why I brought up her situation.

edited to say - Fran I meant AP's who decide they want the closed adoption. I think your situation is different because you guys actually want a more OA right?

[Stormster]

Hi Supa, Gosh I would never want anyone to feel I judged them for having a closed adoption. There were times I was like "what have I done?" and WISHED we had a closed adoption! I think maybe what you are seeing is the fact that Aparents in OA's might need more support because the relationships can be challenging. For instance our entire family is "subtly" opposed to our OA and I in particular can feel extremely isolated in my beliefs. If one is honest about his or her intentions and sets out to have a closed adoption I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with that! I'm sure there are still plenty of birthmothers who want closed adoptions for various reasons. So yeah, I feel it is the OA's right to develop a closed adoption as long as it is clear to the EM that is the plan! I couldn't do it btw for various reasons and I'd want as complete a medical history as possible but I really do see it as another legitimate way to have an adoption. The problems come in (where I would get extremely judgemental) if people bail on OA"s too easily. Birthmother's who are promised OA's and are then cut off are among those who have the most unresolved grieving and depression. I would not sit by and say it is ok to do that to another human being but I know that is not what you are talking about.

As for not telling a child he or she is adopted, I can't say I think that is treating a fellow human being with fairness and dignity. Our children ARE fellow human beings who deserve (who need) to know their truth. It is a LIE and one that hurts people, hurts relationships, hurts self-esteem... and that I most certainly do judge. I wouldn't be friends with someone in real life who is a liar so why would I interact online with someone who is a liar? Unless it was to try to talk them out of it!