[Cjmeck]

We're in a closed adoption and although we were open to more contact, I don't feel bad about it at all. I don't think my daughter will suffer because of it either.
But what I do think is horrible, and what I would call someone out on is NOT telling their child. OMG, how anyone could base their child's entire life around a LIE is just beyond me. I'm pretty much a "whatever works" type of parent and I don't judge most parenting choices people make. But lying to your child about WHO they are is just disgusting. I would absolutely have words with anyone I knew doing that. I can see how some people would be uncomfortable saying something to a friend; but fortunately (or unfortunately at times) I have a big mouth

[loveajax]

OT: JPDakota, my DD just saw your avatar and was thrilled...as diehard Celtics fans, she has her own "Lucky" Celtics doll!!!

[binkybear]

A closed adoption and intentionally not telling a child they're adopted are 2 very different things.

That's all I can say about that one personally. I don't want to be perceived as preachy, that's not my intention. This board has really motivated me to look long and hard about some principles that I've been reading up on as of late. This journey has taken me into new areas of myself.
It's not for everyone, but Dr Wayne Dyers views on being offended and judging others are some pretty inspiring ones. Google his name and those ideas if you'd like a peek. It's allowing me to remain an observer out here for now. I'd like that to continue. Well, that's all about that!

[crick]

I think if there is any "stigma" regarding the closed adoptions it's that many people think back to the day when closed also meant coercion, complete secrecy and no discussion. Kids weren't told, adoption was a "4 letter word" and there was no support/education available for anyone regardless of their relationship to adoption.

I think as with many practices, closed adoptions have evolved over time. In general, there is an agreement from both parties to decide what type of adoption they want as opposed to it being a "Girl sent away in shame to deliver, baby whisked away forever" situation. The medical history or other birth family details/history is more known, and typically the child does grow up knowing he or she is adopted. (I say "typically" although it's evident that some adoptive parents are still seemingly living "back in the day") It's evolved into a choice, which is not how it was before.

Most people understand foster care adoptions being closed since there are obvious reasons for that. However, there are those who believe OA is the only way to go in order to avoid the secrecy, confusion etc. that was created due to the adoption practices long ago.
Some will not understand/agree that a closed doesn't have to mean secrecy or confusion, and yet what I do find interesting is that there is an assumption by many that OA means "easy" or "perfect" and we all know it isn't necessarily so. OA can be hard work and it presents challenges of it's own. Every type of relationship does and OA is no different. Closed presents it's own challenges too, (as does semi open, kinship, etc.) and in the end there are just different choices we all make.

Telling a child a vital piece of information about themselves and history should be mandatory, imo. I don't think that is fair to the child at all. I try not to judge, but on this aspect of parents not telling the child they are adopted...can't help myself. I do judge and it does chap my hide!

[dpen6]

as an adotee not telling a child they are adopted is really abusive. not telling a child they were convieved via a dorar egg or sperm is abusive. Thats when adopted parents can get the bad name and there are to many that are sensitive enough , that know better and don't desrve that bad name.

In terms of closed adoptions, I beleive that sometimes it is needed in the relm of safety which is a reality sometimes. Otherwise if adoptive parents or birth parents are not comfortable with OA then semi is a compromise.

The only thing in terms of deciding on what kind of an adoption a child is brought into is the fact that records CAN NOT be closed. That child who very quicly turns intoi an adult should be able to access their rrecords with ease.

[JustPeachy]

I cannot imagine not telling a child s/he is adopted! To keep such a secret makes it seem as though being adopted is a shameful thing to be kept hidden at all costs. It is a blatant, outright lie, and in most cases, the child will find out anyway. Imagine being older, or fully grown, or even in mid life or older and just discovering you were adopted. I think it would come as a crushing blow to know you were deceived by your parents and never knew a fundamental truth about yourself.

[BrandyHagz]

Closed Records, Closed Adoption, Open Records, Open Adoption, Secret Adoption. All of these things are very different.

Having an open adoption does not mean you have access to your records (or any original documents) as a legal right.

You can have a fully closed adoption (no contact between parties) and live in an open records state, which means when the child turns whatever age is required, they can access all original documentation.

You can have a fully open adoption (full on face to face constant contact) and live in a closed records state, which means you get nothing. Zero. Zilch.

I think back to all of the adoptees who were unaware of their adopted status – who found out post-9/11 when they went to apply for a passport. I know this didn’t impact everyone – but at one time, those folks adopted in my state (Texas) were issued amended birth certificates that were not suitable for federal identification. Imagine being 30 years old, sitting at your kitchen table, opening a letter from the Fed’s that says, “Contact the Adoption Unit in your state regarding your birth certificate. In order to process your application, your birth certificate must contain additional information which was omitted during the reissue of your birth certificate, following your adoption”.

[mommy3]

I like to think of OPENNESS as a way of commicating with my children about their adoptions. I have the greatest experience with my son's adoption, since he's now 11. We had lots of contact with both bparents until he was 4 and then his birthmom moved out of the country and birthdad decided he would back off (personal reasons on his side). We've kept in close touch with his birthmom and bgrandmother and email routinely. My son really has no questions, no issues so far. We talk about his story in the normal, loving way we truly feel about it and about his birthfamily. Last night, his little sister used the title, "birthdaddy" for the first time, not really sure yet what it means but correctly naming D, her birthdad. My ds said, "Oh, I don't know mine." I reminded him, "Actually, you just haven't seen him since you were four because he's just gotten quiet but he still loves you." My ds responded, "Oh, yeah, I have his picture with his note, huh?" (note on the back of the photo). Then he smiled and said, "Well, I don't know him but he knew me." That seemed to make it all right.

To me, that's why openness with our children is important. Bdad has "closed" his relationship for a while but my ds seems to feel whole and good, partly b/c we've kept his information and story open for him. I don't know what will come as my ds gets older, but I hope that our clarity and open story will help buffer anything that does arise. susan

[Happy123]

My friend has adopted from FC twice when the children were infants and has never told them. Once the little girl was four, she asked where she came from and her mom said her tummy...WHAT? We really differ on this subject because my children who we adopted now they are adopted. It is semi open, but they know. A lot of people around her know that the kids are adopted, even her teenage son...but they don't. I do not want to be in her position when they discover the truth. Someone will tell them someday.
The daughter who is now six does not want her to adopt...she does not want the FC to stay forever. She has said she does not want adopted kids in the home...if only she knew.
I really think that each situation needs to be looked at to determine the level, if any, of openness...but a child has the right to know.
Happy123

[Oceans]

As a card carrying member of the bmom club for over 25 years, it wont surprise anyone to know that I am opposed to CA. My definition of CA is that there is some barrier to contact (no contact information, no identity, no permission etc.) I understand there is need for this in a FC situation.

I don’t think OA means you have to be in constant contact, just access if needed. I have strong feelings about bparents being available to answer questions as the child gets older. I also believe that developing medical histories need to be shared BOTH ways. For example, if a child develops a significant medical problem that is possibly genetic, bparents have a right to know because it is likely they will have children later on. Conversely, if a bmom develops breast cancer in her 30’s, that is also important information. While it may not affect the child, it may come into play with their children (grandchildren).

I think “no access” until you are 18 will potentially feed the curiosity factor and compel reunion which rarely easy on anyone and many times disappointing to the adoptee because fantasy hardly ever equals reality (see that forum for 1,346 examples of that - LOL).

I could go on and on but I'll spare you. Again, my views are tainted by my own experience with CA. It seems selfish to me for either bparents or aparents to not take the time at least once a year and keep in touch – Just a simple Hallmark card would suffice - if nothing else to update contact info.

Just my opinion but consensual CA’s are something I have a hard time wrapping my brain around. I know several disagree and that's OK too.

[RobinKay]

Each parent has to make the best decision they can for both the adopted child and the entire family. An open adoption has many benefits, but also can be a source of stress for the child and the entire family. Sometimes safety is an issue.

I do agree that not telling a child about an adoption is not a good idea. I have NEVER heard about someone who found out late in life they were adopted and were "OK" with it. I wouldn't want any child to have that happen to them. But, bottom line, the parent has the final say.

[Stormster]

Oceans I agree that sharing medical histories is a must. I think of OA as regular contact, an ongoing relationship. Closed would be no phone calls or visits but still shared info. My definition of closed might be different than yours esp. since you lived it.

Whether open or closed I feel there should be an emergency contact even if it is third party ...truth is, totally closed I cant' get my head around either but some of the EM's I spoke to had very strong opinions about not wanting to confuse the child and I respected that.

I will say there was nobody I TOLD about open adoption who didn't warm up to it in some way. Nobody.

But Boxer's post kind of supports my thoughts on this. Some people cannot function in an OA in a way that doesn't disappoint. I think it shows great insight to know yourself well enough to know that you cannot live up to your side of the agreement. But it's complicated ...because of the EM is very young she has so much maturing to do.

[Oceans]

some of the EM's I spoke to had very strong opinions about not wanting to confuse the child and I respected that.

Stormy - You bring up a great point. I think many times it is assumed bparents know all about OA, why it is, how it works, etc. This simply isn't the case. In fact, many times, they may have the least amount of knowledge considering that PAP's have to go to classes. Often, I think bmom's don't get the education they need to make an informed decision about OA. We get so wrapped up in making sure they are "counseled" about the decision, we forget to educate on the process... KWIM?

I will say there was nobody I TOLD about open adoption who didn't warm up to it in some way. Nobody.

This has been my experience as well.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

Closed Records, Closed Adoption, Open Records, Open Adoption, Secret Adoption. All of these things are very different.

Having an open adoption does not mean you have access to your records (or any original documents) as a legal right.

You can have a fully closed adoption (no contact between parties) and live in an open records state, which means when the child turns whatever age is required, they can access all original documentation.

You can have a fully open adoption (full on face to face constant contact) and live in a closed records state, which means you get nothing. Zero. Zilch.

I think back to all of the adoptees who were unaware of their adopted status – who found out post-9/11 when they went to apply for a passport. I know this didn’t impact everyone – but at one time, those folks adopted in my state (Texas) were issued amended birth certificates that were not suitable for federal identification. Imagine being 30 years old, sitting at your kitchen table, opening a letter from the Fed’s that says, “Contact the Adoption Unit in your state regarding your birth certificate. In order to process your application, your birth certificate must contain additional information which was omitted during the reissue of your birth certificate, following your adoption”.

Thats true Brandy, open adoption does not = open records. I was thinking of the fact that with OA the records would be open also..just asssumed. AND closed adoption could = open records. HMMM

oceans, never thought of the fact thae medical information needs to go both ways. your absoletly right. That is a very imortant point also.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by Stormster

I will say there was nobody I TOLD about open adoption who didn't warm up to it in some way. Nobody.

Same here, many in my family were only familiar with international adoption, or adoption during the closed era. Consequently when we were in St. Louis and had Ty's picture taken at Picture People I wrote to my mother about meeting with M and R and giving them some copies and my mom, very lovingly tried to tell me that "as nice as I was" she was sure I should stop and consider, "how those pictures could potentially rub salt in a very fresh wound." I very lovingly wrote her back some education about open adoption and how reassuring it was for many bmom's to see pictures and get letters about their bchildren. I told my my mom I understood it was all new to her, but this was very much what M and R wanted, because even though pictures of a happy and smiling Tyler might hurt in some ways, they also helped in a many ways.

My family gets it now for the most part. Just today we were having a talk about whether Ty would be right or left handed and my inlaws asked what his parents were. At first I was completely and totally confused because I thought she was asking if we would push him to be right handed because we are. Then I realized she meant M and R, so I said, oh you mean M and R? I'm not sure if they are right or left handed, I should ask next time I talk to her. Dh spoke up and said something about us being Ty's Mom and Dad. I think comments like THAT can confuse a child more than a healthy open adoption. I am 30, and I was confused. It does make me wonder how M's family refers to us though...do they call us his mom and dad? I know M and R do, but I wonder how her family might refer to us....

So I do think that in some families it can take a while to get the education up to speed and that COULD be confusing to a kid. I have every reason to believe that once Ty is truly realizing what is going on around him, we'll have that taken care of.