[BlessedbySnuggs]

As most of you know, I am new to the forums; however, I have been reading different topics for quite a while. It seems as a lot of aparents get a bad rap for not keeping up their end of the open adoption agreement. I'm just curious, does this bother anyone else? We have had to work very hard on our open adoption, and typically we don't get return calls or return e-mails. We can send multiple pictures and never hear anything back. I guess it bothers me when you don't seem to hear much on the opposite end. I just read a particular thread on how aparents will say they want an open adoption just to get a baby, and then not follow through with their agreement. I really don't believe that that is the case with most aparents. Maybe, I am wrong, but we most definitely wanted an open adoption, as thats what we thought was best for our daughter. At times I feel like we are having to work very hard at keeping our adoption open. Not that I mind at all, but most of the time I feel its very one sided. Again, I understand that it has to be very hard for our daughter's birthmom, but it's hard for us as well. Anyway, just wanted to get your thoughts on this....thanks.

[Stormster]

Your baby is young and I have learned that you have to look at the big picture. All relationships have "seasons" and if it feels a little cold right now, they might not have their footing yet after so great a loss.

If you truly believe open adoption is the best thing for your daughter, I hope you will go under the assumption that they will come around. It's still fairly raw for them.

I will say though don't knock yourself out while you are waiting. as long as you show them the door is always open, that is probably enough (along with pics and letters however often you discussed.) It doesn't have to be active "work" at your end. Just put a door stop in the door and hope they come around for your daughter's sake!

[lovemy2boys]

I know how you feel, Blessed...

We have OA's with both of our boys' firstfamilies; one is definately easier than the other, and no matter how hard we try, it seems like we'll never get to where we want to be with our oldest son's firstmom. It is a tenuous relationship, and it seems like every time we get to a good point, the relationship is sabotaged in some way. Hopefullly things will change in the future; I am cautiously optimistic, but there are days when I could just walk away from it...but then, there are days when I feel like that with DH as well (lol)...

Just keep trying, like you are, and remember that you can only control your own actions...All relationships are hard work, and the relationship between adoptive and bio families is really one like no other. Just try to keep the best, healthiest relationship you can, because your daughter will really benefit from that in the future.

As for the threads, well, at times, some of them are very difficult to read, regardless of which side of the triad they come from. There are many days when I read things here that make me feel so sad/angry/affronted/disappointed and I tell myself that I should really take a break for a while...but then things I read here are these women's/men's truths...what they've been through...and I try to take something away from each post. It's not always easy, but I try.

ETA - I DON'T KNOW HOW THE THUMBS DOWN GOT ON MY TITLE - ALL I CAN THINK IS THAT I ACCIDENTALLY HIT SOMETHING BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO TYPE WITH NEWLY PAINTED FINGERNAILS -LOL.

[loveajax]

Blessed, I agree with Stormster. I know for our OA, all of the "official responsibilities" are on our end - - i.e., we have to send updates and pics, make sure a visit occurs yearly, etc. My DD is 3 and I can't say I haven't had some "issues" with DD's birth parents and what I perceive to be some "letdowns" on their end....mainly, that they don't want to tell their other children that DD is their daughter, etc. I have tried to talk it through with DD's birth mom, but to date, to no avail.

On the other hand, I also know if I don't hear from her after I send an update or pix, it may be that she is busy/things are tough emotionally, etc.

I do think it really helps to say, "I'd love to hear how you are doing!" I think sometimes birth parents are worried about "interfering" and I think (just like a parents) there is very little "guidance' on what the heck to do! The most important thing is to not take it personally or take it as a sign of not caring, leave the door open, and realize that life is long and things can grow and develop.

Good luck!!!!

ETA: I agree with Love, too (even with her "inadvertent" thumbs down!).

[Stormster]

Love I'm kind of glad you used the marriage analogy because I was thinking the same thing. I can't explain it except they are both commitments (not really "deals") that aren't always easy!

Blessed by the way, I certainly do know where you are coming from. I wanted to RUN but ultimately decided that it would hurt DS if I did.

[shy_bear]

As a parent of older kids; for us the birthmom never came around after all of our efforts. We wanted an open adoption; thought we were entering into an open adoption. We mailed photos, made phone calls, sent emails, tried to arrange visits. After about 2 years of this I mail a Christmas card and it comes back; she moved and didn't bother telling us. Now 7 years later we get the occasional phone call where she is saying things will be diff. she has come to realize how imp. family is...we don't believe her anymore. I KNOW there are aparents out there who don't hold up their end of the deal, but in our experience there are just as many bp's who do the same thing and people make excuses for them. They need time to heal, they are still dealing with all the emotions of placement, they are trying to get their life together, etc. I don't think it is fair!!! IF you enter into an open adoption agreement it shoud be upheld by ALL involved.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by BlessedbySnuggs

As most of you know, I am new to the forums; however, I have been reading different topics for quite a while. It seems as a lot of aparents get a bad rap for not keeping up their end of the open adoption agreement. I'm just curious, does this bother anyone else? We have had to work very hard on our open adoption, and typically we don't get return calls or return e-mails. We can send multiple pictures and never hear anything back. I guess it bothers me when you don't seem to hear much on the opposite end. I just read a particular thread on how aparents will say they want an open adoption just to get a baby, and then not follow through with their agreement. I really don't believe that that is the case with most aparents. Maybe, I am wrong, but we most definitely wanted an open adoption, as thats what we thought was best for our daughter. At times I feel like we are having to work very hard at keeping our adoption open. Not that I mind at all, but most of the time I feel its very one sided. Again, I understand that it has to be very hard for our daughter's birthmom, but it's hard for us as well. Anyway, just wanted to get your thoughts on this....thanks.

It has been quite difficult working to keep the very wanted by us open relationships with the other families of our children. It has, for the most part, been our effort and our initiative that has made things happen. And it is at times very tiring working to keep small threads of communication open. And it saddens me greatly to know my children are not receiving the benefits of a vital and growing relationship with the other family.

But for me, it is what I committed to do. No matter what is said about other aparents making other choices regarding their open adoptions, they aren't me. I only worry about whether or not I am doing what I said I would do and making the very best effort I can in doing it.

And even if my kids' other parents aren't able/can't/aren't interested in working on this relationship with us, now or ever, we still do as much as we can for the sake of our kids. So they know we did our best and we keep our commitments, even when the going gets tough. That's the only way I know to live and that's the way I want to teach my children to live.

[BlessedbySnuggs]

Thanks so much for the great responses! Truly, our daughter's birthmom is an amazing person. I just thought we would have more of an open relationship, so to speak. It's very frustrating, but I don't want to give up; I won't give up. We really want to do what's best for our daughter. We do still have a lot of time to work on our "commitment" and I still have hope. I am sure she is still figuring out her feeling in all of this. I just want her to know that we are always here when she is ready. It's hard to find a happy medium. I don't want to be overbearing by calling/e-mailing all the time, but I also don't want her to think that we aren't thinking of her. Anyway, you all are AWESOME!

***lovemytwoboys*** You made me laugh!

[kakuehl]

Some one on one of the threads once commented that it would be good if the bparents and aparents who are desirous of and committed to an open adoption could be paired together. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way and so we continue the awkward dance.

[belleinblue1978]

I sometimes have a hard time communicating with my son's parents. They aren't the greatest about communicating with me either though. Thing is, there is no manual on this, for either side. It is a relationship and things are good and bad sometimes.

I really struggle with the not wanting to interfer, my parent's (dad's especially) lack of interest and understanding, the way I know they talk about me to their family, and the fact that I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am not family to my son. All of this going on while they are telling me that they love me and want me in their life. It's so confusing for me and my heart.

Do I pull back? Sure I do, even if it isn't the best thing to do. It's hard to remember too that everyone has lives. I don't sit around waiting for photos that I know won't come and calls I know they won't make. I have just decided to chalk it up to them trying to be good parents to our son. But in the end that leads me to protect myself some and limit my own contact with them.

[Stormster]

I would just make sure you always know where they live. It would be very easy to lose E's birthparents if I didn't stay on top of that! Same with you moving. I can't believe it but it's really easy for people to lose each other in this country!

And some people when they feel daunted by not knowing where someone is will just give up I guess....I've seen it.

[Cjmeck]

Originally Posted by Stormster

Your baby is young and I have learned that you have to look at the big picture. All relationships have "seasons" and if it feels a little cold right now, they might not have their footing yet after so great a loss.

If you truly believe open adoption is the best thing for your daughter, I hope you will go under the assumption that they will come around. It's still fairly raw for them.

I will say though don't knock yourself out while you are waiting. as long as you show them the door is always open, that is probably enough (along with pics and letters however often you discussed.) It doesn't have to be active "work" at your end. Just put a door stop in the door and hope they come around for your daughter's sake!

This is really good advice. I'm not in an OA, but this is a good approach... I too wonder if there are really so many aparents making empty promises to just get a baby. I guess I just cannot imagine somebody doing something so awful; but I guess it does happen. Don't worry about getting lumped into that generalization though! You're doing a great job with yours and hopefully, one day, your child's bparents will be in a better place emotionally to be more active in the OA.

[JustPeachy]

As a bmom in semi open, let me share my perspective. I always found it very difficult to write updates, I think because I felt I was interfering and also because I was always afraid things would be read between the lines incorrectly, or that I'd be showing too much emotion or not enough emotion. It was just so hard to gauge what to say and how to say it. Now, in my day, there were no guidelines at all. It was just "you can request updates through the agency and if the aparents want to reply, they can, but they are not obligated to." So I was never sure if they really wanted to hear from me so much. A lot of times, I would just request an update. My son's parents, although they didn't respond every single time, would come through eventually with either a picture, a note about his progress, etc. So I felt very fortunate to have these things. But it was still a long time before I actually wrote any sort of update. I think my son was around 6. Then as the years went on, I got better at writing, but even to this day, it takes me forever to put something together. It's just very hard to do. I only recently found out (and my son is now a grown man) that his family really looked forward to my updates. They said this in a letter to me. I often wish this was expressed many years ago, because I think I would have felt more at ease about not "intruding" had I known that they really liked getting these updates.

Give your child's bparents time. I'm wondering how old they are. I was much younger than my son's parents, and as such, was not as "responsible" about updates and such. They may be looking to you as the adults if they are teens or young adults and you are older. Also, they may have every intention to communicate, but find it difficult. I think I would maybe ask them about this. Let them know in no uncertain terms how much you look forward to hearing from them. It may help ease things a bit. I hope in time they will come around. In hindsight, I wish I would have written more, but I'm also at a better place emotionally now than I was back then, so it is easy for me to say that. I do think it's hard to be the one to make all the effort, but it's also very good of you and good for your child to keep things open.

[Boxerlady29]

I'm probably one of those birthmoms that doesnt keep up on their end of the OA.
A few things...honestly...I am HORRIBLE about communicating with ANYONE. If someone gets a return email from me they are lucky. lol. I just bad about it. I check my email and look at things but you have to bug me to send anything back.
I was told by everyone around me "to have an open adoption". I didnt know much about it or what it entailed. I understand it is good for my daughter. I truely do. But I do wish that I had not agreed to have an open relationship based on what I know about myself.
Thats just me.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

As a bmom in semi open, let me share my perspective. I always found it very difficult to write updates, I think because I felt I was interfering and also because I was always afraid things would be read between the lines incorrectly, or that I'd be showing too much emotion or not enough emotion. It was just so hard to gauge what to say and how to say it. Now, in my day, there were no guidelines at all. It was just "you can request updates through the agency and if the aparents want to reply, they can, but they are not obligated to." So I was never sure if they really wanted to hear from me so much. A lot of times, I would just request an update. My son's parents, although they didn't respond every single time, would come through eventually with either a picture, a note about his progress, etc. So I felt very fortunate to have these things. But it was still a long time before I actually wrote any sort of update. I think my son was around 6. Then as the years went on, I got better at writing, but even to this day, it takes me forever to put something together. It's just very hard to do. I only recently found out (and my son is now a grown man) that his family really looked forward to my updates. They said this in a letter to me. I often wish this was expressed many years ago, because I think I would have felt more at ease about not "intruding" had I known that they really liked getting these updates.

Give your child's bparents time. I'm wondering how old they are. I was much younger than my son's parents, and as such, was not as "responsible" about updates and such. They may be looking to you as the adults if they are teens or young adults and you are older. Also, they may have every intention to communicate, but find it difficult. I think I would maybe ask them about this. Let them know in no uncertain terms how much you look forward to hearing from them. It may help ease things a bit. I hope in time they will come around. In hindsight, I wish I would have written more, but I'm also at a better place emotionally now than I was back then, so it is easy for me to say that. I do think it's hard to be the one to make all the effort, but it's also very good of you and good for your child to keep things open.

You make so many good points here...

The first is when you mention worrying about intruding...saying the right thing...saying the WRONG thing...having too much emotion...not ENOUGH emotion...

UGH!!! Wouldn't it be great if we could just express ourselves without second guessing ourselves? Unfortunately, I don't think this will every change.

A few weeks ago, we saw AJ's firstmom. When we were leaving, she hugged him and said "I love you" and he said "Me too"...When I got home, I emailed her and told her that we all had such a nice day, and she responded the same way. Then she said "I hope it was ok that I told AJ that I loved him. It just came out, but I'm not sure if it was appropriate." And I started to cry...because it made me so very sad to realize that she is holding back on expressing her love for him because she thinks it may not be the right thing to do.

Another good point Peachy made was about giving it time, and considering their age...JD's firstmom had just turned 16 when he was born, and is VERY VERY SHY. Most of the communication was between myself and her mother. It was very confusing and uncomfortable...well, thank heaven for email, because she seemed to respond better that way than on the phone or in person...eventually, the relationship was building between the two of us, and her mom wasn't the "main" person...Things have been so much better, and we are all finally finding our own footing...

It's taken 4 1/2 years, but I think these types of relationships can't be rushed - they need to be built.