[turtlet]

I'd love to hear from others on when and how they started discussing adoption with their children. My son is going to be turning 3 and beyond reading a couple children's books to him related to adoption, I'm not sure how to really discuss the topic or if it's too early to be worrying about it?

[loveajax]

Turtle, do you have a "birth book" or something for him? What has helped me was I put together a photo book of DD's birth. It shows us, her birth parents, us coming home from the hospital, etc. She just turned 3 and doesn't quite "get it" but I think it's more for practice for me to be comfortable talking about adoption.

Another thing you can do is talk after you read an adoption related book about how it is similar/different to the adoption of your child.

My DH was adopted as an infant and says he never remembers being "told" he was adopted...he just always knew. He thinks that is best. So I think it's great if you can start now! Good luck!!

[BlessedbySnuggs]

My daughter is 8 months old, and we discuss it already. Of course, she doesn't know what we are talking about, but I figure its good practice for me to start talking about it with her. When we are getting ready for bed, I have an ornament hanging in her room that her birthmom made for her, and we look at it, and I tell her the story of how her birthmom made that for her, and how we flew out to California to pick her up. That kind of stuff. I figure its never to early to start talking about it. My nephew is also adopted and he is three year old, almost four. He doesn't quite get it yet, but he knows that he's adopted and knows that M is adopted as well. He says, "Auntie, baby M is adopted just like me" and he is so proud of that fact...it's pretty neat! Hope that helps.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by turtlet

I'd love to hear from others on when and how they started discussing adoption with their children. My son is going to be turning 3 and beyond reading a couple children's books to him related to adoption, I'm not sure how to really discuss the topic or if it's too early to be worrying about it?

I've been talking to them both about it since we brought them home a few days after they were born. It has become a very natural part of our conversation.

[kelceesmom]

We have always talked about it. Kelcee just turned 3 and it can be a normal part of our conversations. She has just now started asking me for a baby from my tummy so I get to explain to her that I can't have a baby in my tummy and that is why we chose to adopt her.

[HappyTwinsMom]

We've been talking about it since birth - our girls just turned 7 - and it's never been something they *didn't* know about themselves. When they were tiny babies, I would say things like "Mommy is so glad we got to adopt you and that C chose us to be your mommy and daddy."

I remember a time when the girls were about 3 and I was preparing a letter and pix to send to their birthmom. One of them asked me what I was doing and I said was sending pictures to their birthmom. She wanted to know what the word meant and I said "she had you and S in her tummy before Mommy and Daddy got to be mommy and daddy."

Basically, we've just had age-appropriate conversations as they come up. Nothing scary or deep or profound...just normal talk.

[c.a]

We adopted our son when he was 30 months. We threw a big party after his adoption. A few weeks ago he saw some of the pictures from his party on my computer and he started talking about his "birthday party" we said, "no honey that party was because you were adopted". Then we made a big deal about how great it was and how exciting it was to be "adopted" and how teh judge said I could be his mom "forever" and gave him a big hug. The next Sunday he walked into Church and announced to another parent "I'm adopted". My friend replied, "Great, I'm adopted too!"

My general rule - treat the adoption conversation like the great miracle it is. Wow - we were so lucky that we could adopt you and we are excited about it.

We have a few books relating to adoption. We try to read books with lots of different kinds of families. But mostly we just talk about how great adoption is.

[sbaglio]

We've also talked about DD's birth story since she came home with us from the hospital. Like both Blesseds said, we just speak to her about her mother, what a wonderful person she is, what her birthfamily is like, the whole journey to finding her etc. It has becomes a natural part of our conversation, and will it hopefully be more comfortable for all when she starts asking the hard questions.

[SchmennaLeigh]

The Munchkin understood that shew grew in my belly by three. Her parents had always discussed it with her. Right now my (parented) two year old understands that Munchkin is his sister but doesn't get the belly thing just yet. Someday, I'm sure.

[pats]

I think the sooner the better. Not a good thing to surprise a kid with. Every month or so I would show our little one the little book of his birthparents and his first days with us and go through the whole story. I made it into a wonderful thing. This started the same time we started to read to him, etc about 1 year old. He really put it together when my friend was pregnant when he was 2 1/2 yrs and he wanted me to grow a baby in my tummy like she was. As heartbreaking as it was to tell him that I couldn't, we talked about how maybe one day another birthmother may grow a baby for us in her tummy and ask us to have him/her join our family and how that would make us so hapoy just like when our son's birthmom picked us and he joined our family. We make it out as being really special. He is now at the stage where he is starting to understand where he got his looks from. He knows he has big beautiful brown eyes like his BPs.

Starting out early also helped me with the emotions of it. I use to find it very difficult to talk about without getting emotional but I want him to know what a happy thing it is and kids don't really understand why you may cry when you are happy.

Now that we have adopted again I think that he thinks most families get their babies this way even though several friends have had babies. To him either way is normal.

[Adopted-B-4]

From the moment they were interested in books and pictures, we showed them pictures of their tummy mommy, their half siblings, and other birth family and referred to them by name as we did our family. It's not an open adoption but we knew at some point it would open dialogue for them and also, it wouldn't turn into something that we had a hard time discussing. It was about 3 though, when they started asking questions and now, it comes up often but is just something they know to be true, their adopted and their tummy mommy chose us to love and raise them and be their parents the way she would if she could and they know she loves them.

[ses1230]

Originally Posted by HappyTwinsMom

We've been talking about it since birth - our girls just turned 7 - and it's never been something they *didn't* know about themselves. When they were tiny babies, I would say things like "Mommy is so glad we got to adopt you and that C chose us to be your mommy and daddy."

I remember a time when the girls were about 3 and I was preparing a letter and pix to send to their birthmom. One of them asked me what I was doing and I said was sending pictures to their birthmom. She wanted to know what the word meant and I said "she had you and S in her tummy before Mommy and Daddy got to be mommy and daddy."

Basically, we've just had age-appropriate conversations as they come up. Nothing scary or deep or profound...just normal talk.

That's the key for us - just make it part of normal conversation. We have always talked to DD3 about adoption and have read age appropriate adoption books. She loves Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born and has already asked to hear her adoption story and at this point, she can tell it herself!

We just adopted our second DD4 months so we have been talking about it a lot! Like HappyTwinsMom said, it's never been something we *didn't* talk about.

[gdaisy]

What about those cases where the birth mother choose a closed adoption and we have no pictures of her? My son is beginning to understand that he is different and we have read books about adoption... What would you do?

[NJNative]

Originally Posted by gdaisy

What about those cases where the birth mother choose a closed adoption and we have no pictures of her? My son is beginning to understand that he is different and we have read books about adoption... What would you do?

I can answer this one. My now 17 yo is from a closed adoption, no pictures, etc. We never focused on that aspect when he was little. It was always in the context of "Oh, look at the pictures in your baby book! There's Mom-Mom and Grandma on the day we adopted you! There's mommy holding you when we first met you" and so on...

And of course, we have the hilarious "the day we adopted you" stories too...especially the part when we locked the rental car keys in the trunk, which did NOT have a latch inside the car to open it. And many, many stories of the first two weeks when we lived in a hotel in another state waiting to go home, with our then 10 month old. Pictures, too.

Just start the story from where you came into it, including the time leading up to it. You can deal with the other details as the child becomes old enough to understand more.

Robin

[Amber76]

I'm a "new" adoptive mom, but I wanted to chime in and say that when I say prayers with my baby (who is two months old) every night before putting him in his crib, I always thank God for his birthmom R and for her choice to make us into a family. I have also practiced telling some of his adoption story to my niece (who will be three this week) because she has asked a lot of questions. That has helped me be prepared for some of the conversations I'll have with Ben in a few years. Of course, I don't tell my niece any of his personal info, just general adoption stuff. Now she keeps asking if she can have a birthmom who loved her very much but couldn't take care of her!