[jf5505]

I was just reading some adoption blogs, adoptee blogs, birthmom blogs...and I just feel so upset. I just have been so self absorbed lately trying to get the home study done and profile that I guess I didn't take the time to see how hard adoption can be on an adopted child or a birthmom and now I just feel anxiety and sadness. Is this normal? I am really scared that when I do adopt a child they will have to deal with adoption issues or the birthmom will regret her decision...ugh...I guess I knew all of this, but to see it in writing just makes me sad.

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by jf5505

I was just reading some adoption blogs, adoptee blogs, birthmom blogs...and I just feel so upset. I just have been so self absorbed lately trying to get the home study done and profile that I guess I didn't take the time to see how hard adoption can be on an adopted child or a birthmom and now I just feel anxiety and sadness. Is this normal? I am really scared that when I do adopt a child they will have to deal with adoption issues or the birthmom will regret her decision...ugh...I guess I knew all of this, but to see it in writing just makes me sad.

You can't solve the worlds problem. In no way should you feel bad about being excited about getting homesetudy, profile etc... This an exciting time. Enjoy it. If you had a bio child there could be issues as well. I say be a great parent to your baby. Love them and take it as it comes.

DS birthmom was very happy that we adopted him. There is lots of good and wonderful blessings that come from adoption.

[binkybear]

You can really get lost in it all. I just try to remember that each person and each family has their very own truth, their very own reality, and their very own story. We can witness what others have experienced, but it's not ours. It's not ours to carry or to internalize. That's not just about adoption; it's about everything in life.

Your journey will be your own, with all of its own circumstances, people, and experiences. There are some really great books, dvds, and resources about adoption. Maybe take a look at those too. I'm so glad we did.

I don't think you've been "self absorbed" either. You've been taking the critical first steps to building your family. It's an emotional time for you, it's normal to feel everything you are. I remind myself this is my journey, it's not anyone else's. That makes it easier for me to come to terms/peace with some of the things I see and read online.

Sending positive thoughts your way

[loveajax]

I remember after adopting DD that I found all these blogs where adoption is not depicted too kindly. It was my first experience seeing stuff like this and it made me really upset. Now I take it for what it is worth...an individual's experience. Also, my DH is an adoptee and would no sooner have an "adoption blog" than eat glass .....so I don't know that you can draw any generalizations about adoption just by reading blogs, though of course they can be very educational/give food for thought.

Adoption has been a wonderful thing for my family and I don't feel "bad" embracing that. It involves losses, of course, that need to be acknowledged. Don't beat yourself up for focusing on yourself, getting ready for adoption! Good luck!

[SchmennaLeigh]

If anything, the voices that are available in today's adoption blogs should encourage and inspire today's waiting families to strive for the most ethical adoptions possible.

Then again, that should be a goal whether families are reading blogs or not.

[blessedbybug]

I read alot of blogs. It has been good for many reasons, most especially to examine adoption from other viewpoints to get the full perspective. I started reading because we haven't had alot of contact with our kids' other families and I wanted to gain some insight into why they might not want a relationship after they asked for it and committed to it right along with us. And to understand what they have gone through and continue to go through.

And after our first placement I was left with alot of mixed feelings about adoption because I fully realized what I had been thinking all along, that my child had suffered, and not by her choosing, a great loss in her life being separated from her first family. As much as I wanted to be THE only mom, the reality is that I wasn't. I couldn't deny her life before she met us, even though we were there when she took her first breath. She still had another mom. These blogs, as hard as they have been to read sometimes, have taught me how important it is to recognize that for my child. And recognize that most probably, most definitely my kids will be going through at some level the hard spots that many of the writers are. And I need to be prepared to help them through it.

Honestly when I started reading I was deeply grieved and defensive by alot of what I read. I continue to be saddened by all the hurt that people feel but I no longer feel like I have to defend myself and our family's decision to adopt because even though at time I get frustrated by the sweeping "all" or "nothing" statement that are made and sometimes the amount of disrespect I feel because other choose to generalize, I realize that it is the bloggers space to write about their journey, and really in the end, I have to examine how our children came to us and see if I fit the generalization. And for the most part I feel we did our best to ensure the expecting/new parents were treated with respect and offered the opportunities and resources to possibly keep the family together.

SO read. And let it sink in. Don't be discouraged but allow what is being said to give you a chance to examine motives and beliefs.

[Stormster]

Blessed, wonderful post! And so true.

[elledarcy]

I felt the same way! My advice is to not get discouraged. You can only be the best mom you can be -- to an adopted or bio child -- and hope that everything turns out okay! Keep in mind also that one birthmom/adoptee/a-parent's story will not necessarily be yours. Many b-mom's and adoptees who have a negative view of adoption came out of the closed era and have not had the contact children in an open relationship will enjoy.

Your child may have a lot of questions about his or her adoption or may not. Your child may be dissatisfied with his or her life or may be perfectly happy. Your child's b-mom may later regret her decision or might always be glad that you are family. There is nothing you can do about this except be as ethical and understanding as possible right now. Good luck!

[JustPeachy]

Keep in mind that what other people blog about pertains to their individual thoughts, feelings and situations, but that does not mean every bmom or adoptee feels that way. Although it was a very difficult decision for me to place my child, I do not regret that decision and never really have. I sometimes regret the circumstances, though, and wish things could have been different in that regard, but I cannot change my circumstances, so I have come to accept things as they were/are. My child has had a great life with everything I wish I could have provided him with, and in a sense, I did provide him with those things precicely by making an adoption plan. I have met other birthmoms who feel similarly. As far as I can tell from the info I have, my son has adusted well. If he does have "issues" from being adopted, I hope he can work through them and also realize that he would still have issues (albeit different ones) had he been raised by me when I was not ready or able to parent. As others have said, the losses and feelings of grief do need to be understood and acknowledged, but I wouldn't feel discouraged or bad about adopting because of what you are reading on the net.

[jf5505]

Thanks,your all very supportive and I appreciate that so much. I think that I just had an emotional day and I feel better after reading your posts...so Thanks a million...

Jackie

[lahdh4]

Blessed,

so true.

[finallyamom0310]

Blessed, wonderful post. I agree fullheartedly with you.

Please also keep in mind that sometimes blogs will point out the negatives so that the writer can get advice. They don't always post the positives.

I did read books prior to our DD's arrival but avoided the internet for blogs and forums as it was too hard on me. I wanted to concentrate on building our story for our DD. I did find that the less I focused on the process after we were on the waiting list and the more I concentrated on our daily lives, time flew and now we are a family.