[Marie8888]

I need some advice and sympathy. Sorry its a long post.
The backstory: We adopted our son over 2 years ago and have had him since 5 days, he is African American and we are Caucasian. I am currently pregnant (which we were told was not possible) and due in October with a little girl.
I am not sure what to do, our inlaws were up visiting (they live 10 hours away), our nephew was also visting, it was the first time they have been around our son and their nephew without nephew's parents around. Our nephew is almost 6.
They treated the boys very differently, our nephew was allowed to scream, take toys, and do whatevery he wanted (something nephew's parents would never allow). We did not allow our son to behave this way even though he is two he was punished when he would hit or scream or misbehave. DH's father univited us to Christmas when we took away a toy that both of the kids were fighting over. DH's other brother and SIL were also visiting at the time and they are shocked and upset by our MIL and FIL behavior. They truly have no explanation for why their parents acted this way, no one can figure it out. When they left, DH's mom was upset because she wasn't going to be here for our baby's birth (FIL said he wasn't going to come visit us again) and was now afraid she would never see her grandkids since they unvited us to Christmas. Though to us it felt like she was more concerned about seeing the new baby and could care less about seeing our son again. It felt like they were angry with our son for me having to keep up with a two year old while pregnant. Which I don't understand tons of women have toddlers when pregnant. Apparently on the way home they complained to DH's brother and SIL about how we displine our child. Apparently they think that while their 6 year old grandson shouldn't be punished for his behavior their 2 year old grandson is being spoiled by only being given time out when he misbehaves. Again DH's brother and SIL didn't agree and are angry with DH's parents.
DH's brothers are raily around us. DH's brothers got together and talked about what happened and the father of the nephew is angry about how his parents behaved and the double standard and lack of displine that occured with his child. He told us he thought we were justified to do a lot more than saying no and removing toys. They refuse to exclude us and our chidlren from Christmas and are having it at one of his brothers house with the understanding that his parents are only invited if they apologize and treat us and our kids well. I just don't know if we want his parents around our kids at all. Maybe it isn't adoption or race related but it sure feels that way to me. They don't have any other biological grandkids, and I haven't seen them around there new step-grandchild so its hard to judge if its just a favoring the one grandchild thing or if its diffected at our son.
I just don't want to do about the situation, DH's mom called and pretended nothing happened last night. DH got off the phone with her fast and now we are just so confused and hurt. We are afraid if we give them too many chances we will have to cut off contact later with them and our son will be older enough to remember their behavior. I will not let my son grow up in a family where he is treated as less than equal because of how he came into our family.

Marie

[ourdreamcametru]

I just want to offer support and prayer for you and your family. We are in a very similar boat with dh parents, they favor dh's sister's two girls over our three children, two of which are bio and older than his sister's girls. His parents do not like me and never have and I feel sorry for dh because his family treats us this way but he is opposed to cutting contact because he says you don't just drop family for stupid stuff. This is the ONLY thing dh and I have ever had a fight over in 20 years but it is a huge argument everytime a visit with them is brought up. They only live 45 minutes away and I can count on my fingers and toes the visits they have made to our house in the 20 years we have been married. Our kids are 18 and 14 and a 4 year old adopted daughter. Just a few weeks ago they caused a big stink about not wanting to come to our son's high school graduation

[inhiswill]

Ditto to the PP for us too. DH's parents favor his sisters kids way way more. They practically buy them all their clothing year round, pay for sports and music lessons, gas for his sisters to visit, babysit all the time, etc.... And this too is the only thing that we argue about as well. THe older our kids get though, the more that they can see the "favoring" without us even speaking a word. Now that we have DD who is also AA, I think they are a little scared to do or say anything, they have been playing it super cool.

I feel your pain. I am sorry I have no advice for you. It is horrible when parents act the way that they do sometimes, if only they could see in our hearts and realize how much they have hurt us.

[EZ2Luv]

My heart hurts when I read posts like this. I would venture to say it is more an adoption thing than race. I lived with grandparents and an uncle that you described. Honestly, if this is how MIL and FIL feel you cannot make them change. The only think you can do is make them realize that you are aware of their favoritism. Truth be told, expect them to deny it is favoritism and make up some other excuse. That said, all you can do is distance yourself and your child from them as much as possible. Some people are just plain jerks and it's a no win situation with people like that. Seriously, if they are playing favorites now, what will happen once you give birth? Do they plan on favoring you DD over your DS. You need to nip this in the bud and let them know that this is unacceptable.
My aparents tried for years to make my Gmom accept us, but it never happened so they had to avoid her at all costs while reassuring us of their love. It is the GPs loss and they do not deserve to be in their grandbaby's lives if they are going to behave that way.
For the short time I witnessed this(When I was old enough to understand) I vowed to never play favorites and would treat every child equally. It hurt me more to see my baby brother disappointed when he was excluded from things more than it hurt me. I am so grateful my parents cut them out of our lives. No love was lost that is for certain.
Please feel free to Pm me if you ever need to chat.

EZ

[Lumpkin]

I'd venture to guess that it's not a race thing nor an adoption thing.. it's just a plain stupidity thing. There is something about their existing relationship (proximity, interests, who knows?) with the other child's family that causes them to think differently about their child (probably without even realizing). My in-laws have always favored certain grandchildren - due to what I believe is the grandchildren's parents allowance for the grandparents to meddle in their lives. The siblings that are much more independent and who do not allow the parents to meddle in their lives have children who obviously do not get the same attention, gifts, or affection from grandma and grandpa.

We simply don't associate with grandma and grandpa on a level that would allow the kids to see this preferential treatment. If I had it all to do over again, I'd probably point it out, document everything, and force the grandparents to recognize their behavior. However, I'm personally happy with just not dealing with them myself

[greenrobin]

Although they're both gone now, my in-laws gave the same treatment to their son. He raised 2 of his wife's kids as his own. They were 3 and 4 when he married her. Their daughter was born the next year. Christmas would come and go, S would get oodles of stuff from the grandparents. M and T would get a cheap little something. They weren't mentioned in the will. Their birthdays weren't celebrated. I overheard my MIL correct someone once when the referred to M as her grandson.

I will never understand how something as small as the birth circumstances of a child dictate if it is "appropriate" to love them or not! It's sad and pp was right--you won't change them. But, you don't have to open yourself up to that. Kids are precious and they don't need toxic people in their lives. Be honest and tell the ILs what is acceptable and what isn't. It's hard, but you can do it.

[snuffie]

Sometimes it makes no rhyme or reason at all. I am an adoptee as is my brother. My aparents had friends who would shower me with gifts at Christmas - an expensive doll or something along that line. My brother would get a lollipop and a coloring book. It was all very odd but I gave up trying to figure out the "why".

Who knows what is in the mind and heart of a person. But I agree you do need to be honest and firm as difficult as that may be.

[mom2justynsarah]

I would also like to offer support to the OP and your family. I am in a situation in which my husband & I haven't spoken to his family in over 10 years. My husband is adopted, and his two younger siblings are his parent's biological children. There's way much more to this story. But I have tried numerous times to reach out to them, only to get brushed off. So suffice to say, his immediate family has NEVER (and has rejected) our son (now nine years old) and our daughter (now three). It's pathetic, but THEIR loss. My family treats our children like gold. Plus, I am a momma bear..I dare anyone to hurt my children and they will regret ever laying eyes on them. KWIM?

Originally Posted by ourdreamcametru

I just want to offer support and prayer for you and your family. We are in a very similar boat with dh parents, they favor dh's sister's two girls over our three children, two of which are bio and older than his sister's girls. His parents do not like me and never have and I feel sorry for dh because his family treats us this way but he is opposed to cutting contact because he says you don't just drop family for stupid stuff. This is the ONLY thing dh and I have ever had a fight over in 20 years but it is a huge argument everytime a visit with them is brought up. They only live 45 minutes away and I can count on my fingers and toes the visits they have made to our house in the 20 years we have been married. Our kids are 18 and 14 and a 4 year old adopted daughter. Just a few weeks ago they caused a big stink about not wanting to come to our son's high school graduation

[Tudu]

I have only recently disconnected to my family. I have always had a strained relationship with my mother and 2 of my sisters are just irritating. My mothre treats my latest children very differently from all the other grandchildren, the final straw for me was when she announced my sister was pregnant with her first grandson. She completely forgot I have a son, months later another ultrasound showed it was a girl and I laughed my rear off. Still not speaking, though, have no plans to.

[cbrink7]

Disinviting a family member for Christmas when it is months away and such a special family event over anything, much less for taking a toy (which in my opinion is WELL justified!) away is pretty outragous. That is great that you have a wonderful SIL/BIL.

I hope this all works out and you can talk to about what happened and resolve it, but if the FIL/MIL can not see your point of view I would have a very hard time having them around my child.

Good Luck

[qs mom]

I have 1 sister. She has 3 bio kids - 20, 18, and 11. I have 1 child that I adopted. (I don't like to say 'adopted child', he's my child first and formost, the fact that I adopted him is secondary and stated as such) Anyway, my folks have always treated the kids differently.

My oldest niece is their first grand child. Sara can do nothing wrong - EVER! She got the best of everything. My other niece, not so much. She got the hand me downs. She got yelled at a little more. She got a tighter set of rules.
My nephew was the king for quite awhile. As you notice, there are 7 years between him and his sisters. The ONLY grandson. He was as spoiled as can be.

UNTIL my son came along. My father has the most incredible relationship with my son. My father adores him. My son gets away with so much with papa. My son is 7. He came into our lives when he was almost 3. At first, I think my dad thought that he needed to give Q 'a little' more because, he 'came from nothing' and 'missed out' on so much. But I think it's more to do with me being a single mom.

But, when my oldest niece was born, my sister didn't work. They had breakfast with grandma every day. Built up a special bond.

My parents watch my son every afternoon, and live next door to us. MY son and grandpa have built that up.

So, it may not have anything to do with adoption, race or anything. You just never know.

Oh, and don't take this the wrong way, but some kids are hard to like. Some people overcompensate to the kids they don't like so that the kid doesn't pick up on the vibe.

[mondk]

We are CC and have a biracial (half AA half CC) son that we adopted last year. Right before we got him, my BIL (married to dh's sister) was referring to someone AA and called them the "n" word that rhymes with "tigger". I immediately got up and lectured him about it and told him if I EVER heard him refer to my Joshie as that then he would never see him. So far I've never heard that word since. But BIL was holding him one time and made the comment to my SIL that he didn't look AA, he looked more like Slash from Guns n Roses. That was borderline offensive to me as well. Some other things happened between me and my BIL so I refuse to have anything to do with him now anyway. He hasn't seen Joshie in months and has never asked to see him. It is maddening how people can be, especially in-laws.

No advice really, just wanted to let you know you're not alone!

Blessings, Michelle

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by mondk

We are CC and have a biracial (half AA half CC) son that we adopted last year. Right before we got him, my BIL (married to dh's sister) was referring to someone AA and called them the "n" word that rhymes with "tigger". I immediately got up and lectured him about it and told him if I EVER heard him refer to my Joshie as that then he would never see him. So far I've never heard that word since. But BIL was holding him one time and made the comment to my SIL that he didn't look AA, he looked more like Slash from Guns n Roses. That was borderline offensive to me as well. Some other things happened between me and my BIL so I refuse to have anything to do with him now anyway. He hasn't seen Joshie in months and has never asked to see him. It is maddening how people can be, especially in-laws.

No advice really, just wanted to let you know you're not alone!

Blessings, Michelle

It's funny because i'm AA and DH is CC and 98% of our closests friends are CC. Since we got DS they have made comments about his color. When he was born saying he looked CC. Now that he's gotten darker they say he looks biracial. Nice tan etc...

I honestly don't believe they are being negative. I think they just have never been around an AA babies before.

Trust me if ANYONE tried to be little or harm my baby they would get the raft of mama bear!!!

[qs mom]

It does amaze me sometimes. A kid is a kid. Who cares what race, or color they are?

My cousin, CC had a baby with a AA man. Her mother flipped out. My aunt refused to acknowledge that her daughter was even pregnant. Another cousin's husband was a real jerk about it too. But from the moment that child was born, he's had his grandma (my flipped out aunt) wrapped around his finger. Of all her grandkids, Jordan is everything, the sun rises and sets on him. And the funny thing is, my other cousin's husband who was a jerk has taken to Jordan, taken him under his wing so to speak to teach some cool things.

Jordan is nearly 14 now. His mom was young when he was born. She had just turned 20. But she was fierce when it came to Jordan. She cut off contact with people that would be hurtful. Those people came back to her with open arms and plenty of love for her and Jordan. She actually forced a relationship with Jordan and his father's parents. His fathers family lives in another state and his father lives here. They don't get along. She packed up Jordan and drove there and forced him on them. They have the greatest relationship even though they wanted nothing to do with her because she was white. And she and Jordan's father are no longer together, they still go to visit for 2 weeks each summer. It's family. They worked it out.