[bulgythewhale]

So, we just had a potential match that didn't come to fruition. After reading through many topics on this forum, it seems like it's more common than not to have at least one misfire on the road to adopting. I'm just curious, how many people here have had a a false alarm before actually finalizing their adoption?

It's a strange sensation because when you are matched or almost matched, you immediately start to project your feelings onto the unborn (or born) child. Almost like pre-bonding and then when it doesn't happen, it's quite emotional.

they were not kidding about it being a roller coaster ride!

[Stormster]

We had one failed "match" but it was an independent adoption so it's not really a match. Just someone who a few months in asked us to do something illegal so we had to walk away.

Then we walked away very close to the birth after a visit revealed heavy meth exposure which we felt we weren't prepared for. Also we were informed of a very dodgy legal aspect that might have made this adoption fail anyway.

Then we had one failed placement where we had the baby for five days and the bfather changed his mind. The EM was devastated by the whole thing and obviously we were too.

I wouldn't exactly call them false alarms but I have also found that what happened to us is the exception rather than the rule. We were also vulnerable because we didn't have an agency or qualified professional (yeah we had a professional we dismissed after the second failure). Good luck. And if you are doing this independently feel free to PM me if you have any questions how to try to avoid all of the above which we certainly could have.

[nikkianni]

We had a close call with already born twins that the uncle decided to adopt at the last minute. Other than that, we never even came close to a match or a placement until DD was born.

[minibus]

We have not yet adopted, but we had a failed match. We spent 3 days in the hospital with the baby (mom refused to see her) then mom just bailed, didn't sign TPR, and the baby went into foster care.

[Eponine]

We had one failed match - we never met EM or the child but it was heartbreaking all the same. My DH was so excited and wanted to tell EVERYONE because he was so sure it would happen (due to lots of factors) so I went against my gut feeling and let him tell. It made it harder on me to have to go through it "publicly" but I'm a very private person so....

6 months after our failed match, we were matched again with DS's birthmom which (obviously) worked out but this time we kept it quiet and actually kept it to close friends and family for the first month DS was home because the TPRs had not been signed.

[jren]

We were matched the first time after 4 months waiting - adoption proceeded as planned.
My sister was matched the first time - 1 day waiting - adoption proceeded as planned. For their 2nd, they weren't looking to adopt and were found by a emom wanting to place who had already matched and cancelled with 2 families. That adoption failed after the baby was home with my sister, but the baby was eventually placed with a family - family 4. Just personality clashes and not the right match since it was to be a very open adoption.

[icunurse]

Let's see.....first adoption - matched after waiting a few months, never met pbmom (she wanted a closed adoption), she ended up deciding to parent before the baby was born. Next match a few months later, we brought home DS.

Second adoption - matched within a couple of months of waiting, saw baby at hospital and had full support of biofamily (they even sent a congrats email to us), I caught something that was abig old red flag and mentioned it to our agency and they questioned her further, found she wanted to parent. Matched again 6 months later, ready to pick up the baby within days when -surprise! new medical info on pbmom. We backed out (ped did not like the new data at all, we also had a bad feeling about the relationship we'd have with the bfamily based on things we encountered during meetings -smelling of alcohol, etc-and how their statements about medical stuff greatly differed than the actual reports. Hardest thing we've ever had to do). A year later, we were matched with DD.

Our former agency stated that about 1/2 of all pbmoms decide to parent (and their numbers as far as open cases vs actual placements seem to reflect that). But you are absolutely right - when you hear about that baby, you start imagining what if we're picked, are we ready, what does he/she look like, etc. It's hard not to! Heck, I did every time I became pregnant. You just have to try and keep in mind that the baby is still going into a home where he/she will be loved, whether that is another couple or with the biofamily. And that one of these calls will really be YOUR baby!

[Stormster]

icunurse hi

how does your agency define the Pbmom's? I'm assuming they mean EM's they may meet at some point but who do not get to the point of "matching" ...

Just didn't want to scare off the OP! Because I know half of all matches don't fail. At least I think so!

[icunurse]

Originally Posted by Stormster

icunurse hi

how does your agency define the Pbmom's? I'm assuming they mean EM's they may meet at some point but who do not get to the point of "matching" ...

Just didn't want to scare off the OP! Because I know half of all matches don't fail. At least I think so!

Actually, that is the case with women who have completed the necessary amounts of counseling required by the agency and have looked at profiles and chosen aparent(s). They told us in the beginning that about 50% of pbmom's change their minds, typically after giving birth (when it is a whole new story seeing the actual baby right before your eyes and having to make the decision again). They actually talk to and counsel far more women who decide to parent before looking at profiles (it is a large agency). I have spoken to many others trying to adopt or who have adopted through the agency and many seem to have at least one failed match - it not uncommon. Those who haven't experienced it should consider themselves lucky. Personally, I think of it two ways - 1) the agency gave great counseling to prepare these women to parent even when they haven't been planning to and 2) I wouldn't want to raise a child that someone else could/wants to if given the right support and guidance.

I'm not trying to be a downer, but failed matches happen and the OP asked about it. She isn't alone and shouldn't feel like there is anything wrong or abnormal about what happened - it stinks for her, but it does happen. Many people here have had failed matches, some more than once, as evidenced by their posts and siggies. Maybe it isn't 50% across the board, but I wouldn't be surprised by that number or darn close to it (maybe a poll is in order? ) I think it also depends on how your agency works (matches before birth seem to have higher failure rates than matches after birth of the baby, I would think more counseling and directing to resources enables more women to parent, etc). The one thing I do know, from our original SW is that if you stay with it, you will bring home a baby

ETA--

From Adoptive Families site:
Families that experienced one or more failed adoptions before successfully adopting: 31%
Of the 31% that experienced failed adoptions, proportion that failed after birth: 22%
From WebMD (not sure if they are referecing the same info):
A survey found that 31 percent of families experience at least one failed match because the mother or father decides to parent the child; some agencies report that the rate of failed matches may be higher.

To the OP - sorry if this got OT or if I am truly a downer. Hang in there - you're not alone!!

[mom2samuel]

We had 3 failed matches. With the first, we were at the hosp. taking care of baby, mom got mad and bailed when we were literally going to leave with the baby in 30 minutes or so. The next one (6 weeks later), we had the baby with us for 2 days when mom changed her mind. The third match fell through (luckily) before we left to go (baby was already born). I hope our statistics aren't too normal!

Michelle

[inhiswill]

There are so many different ideas of what a "failed match" is. Our HS education courses included the following terms:

A failed match is an official match that ends before birth.

A dissapointment is a match that end after birth but before baby comes home from hospital.

A disruption is when baby is in the adoptive home and birth parents change their mind.

With all that said, we had one disruption (baby home for a week and bmom changed mind) before our placement of DD.

[HappyHopefulMommy]

We had been waiting 15 months when an emom had picked us. She was 4 months pregnant. We emailed and talked the rest of pregnancy. At 37 weeks she just stopped returning calls and emails. Our worker finally got a hold of her and she had had the baby and chose to parent. We have not not been placed as of yet. But I have a friend who used the same agency I was using and had 4 successful infant adoptions (in 5 years) and no failed matches. I think a good percent of hopeful adoptive parents have at least one failed match at some point.

[oceanica]

I also read an article written by a social worker who was with an agency for 18 years and she said in her experience 80% of the moms decide to parent. It's frequent, anyway.
The agencies should prepare us better for it.

[waiting4amiracle]

Let's see...

First placement failed after baby boy was with us for 4 days. B-parents decided to parent the child. Heartbreaking but it happens.

Second placement - 12 days later - DD was placed with us 9 days after she was born. No snags along the way and we're finalized.

[Leigh131313]

We had 2 failed matches on the road to DS coming home.

We're waiting to be matched for #2.


Our agency does about 60 adoptions per year and in their stats there is usually an additional 10 where matches fail. 2 or so of those are usually after the baby has been placed with the aparents.