[elledarcy]

We're in an OA with our three-month old DD's birthmom so I know it's early yet, but I wanted to get some opinions on a question that's have been rattling around in my brain.

DD's birthmom, J, gave us the full name and some information (as well as medical information) about DD's birthdad, R. She also gave me her MySpace address and when I checked it, I saw R was listed in her friends. I followed the link to his page and checked it out. I got to see his picture and find out some additional info about him. I didn't tell J that I had found his MS page because I wasn't sure how she would react. Though they were both in high school, he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with raising DD. He encouraged her to have an abortion (which she did not want to do) and then suggested adoption. Though he was okay with the adoption, he never wanted to meet us, talk to anyone from the agency, or anything. He basically left her holding the bag with planning for DD's future. As far as I know from J, he has seen a picture of DD and probably also gotten updates from her too.

What I am wondering is, since I have his MS, should I try to contact him myself? I worry that, like many birthparents, he may not know the benefits of open adoption. He may want to know more about DD, but may feel like he has no right to contact us, or may feel as though it's better to try to forget. I also know (from his MS and J) that he is leaving to join the Marines this month and I wonder if he would like to receive a letter or some pictures from us while he is away from home and may be feeling isolated or lonely in a new place and profession. Even though he may have treated J shabbily, I feel bad for him and that he may be missing out on something that would be beneficial to both him and especially to DD.

I also worry that contacting him out of the blue on his MS will seem like spying and snooping and that I will seem like a crazy stalker woman. Maybe he won't write back? Maybe he will deny DD is his? Maybe inviting him into our lives will turn out to be a mistake?

I also worry (I quite a worry-wart) that J will be extremely hurt by this. She does not speak of him in positive terms because of her experiences with him. When we told her to not give him any of our contact info (full names, addresses and such) until he was ready to contact us through the agency, her mom said, "if I have anything to do with it, R will never have anything to do with this baby." How would I even tell her, “we want to talk to R” without her being upset?

I guess I just feel like we're carrying on two different adoptions sometimes. One perfectly open and friendly, while the other is closed with no hope of contact. One day, won't DD ask me why she has a birthmom, but no birthdad? Won't she wonder why we didn't do more to contact him? Maybe she will wish she and R had the same relationship she and J have?

I just don't know...

[ourdreamcametru]

I too struggle daily with this questions. Castle's bdad signed before she was born and only wanted to know that a healthy baby was born and placed for adoption. He has no idea that he has a beautiful birthdaughter who looks JUST LIKE HIM. We do have a contact phone number for his parents should we ever need to contact them for medical reasons. I wish so bad I could just send a letter with our website on it so IF they wanted they could go there to see her but I have never attempetd. DH says that he does not want to disrespect bfather's wishes but I am like you, what if he does not realize there is a such thing as open adoption and it's benefits? We do Castle's bmother on a regular basis but bfather lives in Washington State.

[Oceans]

I have a family member who is now a bmom in a very similar situation altho instead of abortion, he wanted her to parent w/o his involvement mind you. He REFUSED to visit at the hospital and we tried so hard to encourage him to do so... He was steadfast. The parents of her child REALLY believe in OA and reached out to him (on MS) with her blessing. This father's day, the bdad met his 5 month old son for the first time and it was something he swore (back then) he would never do...

My advice is to talk to your child’s bmom and if she is comfortable with it... Reach out to him. You just never know what's in someone's heart or head...

[lovemy2boys]

Our situation was almost IDENTICAL to yours...OA with firstmom, closed with firstdad...bad relationship between the two...high school...off to military...

My advice, for what it's worth, is to leave it alone for now...concentrate on building a relationship with your daughter's birthmom. If your daughter is only 3 months old, there are probably still some unresolved emotions between her firstparents. Some time in the future things may change, and if so, they will probably contact each other if they are still "friends" on myspace. If he requested a closed adoption, he may not be ready for someone to contact him out of the blue...and SHE may not be ready to "go there" quite yet. I wouldn't necessarily contact him, but maybe if she brings him up, you can tell her that you are open to communicating with him and she may pass along that info (although it's not always the best idea to have a go-between).

We tried talking to our son's firstmom about contact with his firstfather when our son was a baby...it just caused problems in our relationship, which we ultimately worked through. Our son's birthfather just recently showed interest in our son, who is now 6 1/2...

I won't go through the whole story because it's complicated and quite honestly, emotionally exhausting, but suffice it to say, as our son got older, she brought up AJ's firstfather, so we once again told her that we'd love to hear from him if he was open to it, and she passed along the info to him...but that was almost 6 years after our son was born...

Like I said, there is soo much to worry about as a new mom, and so much work that goes into an OA...just take it a day at a time. Best of luck!

[Stormster]

honestly, my first impression was it could be a bit intrusive to contact him. Afterall, it was only 3 months ago he didn't want to be involved. I'm not saying never contact him but why risk offending him (in my language freaking him out), jeopardizing a future relationship and most importantly jeopardizing your relationship with your child's birthmother who may feel hurt/betrayed by it. Or not ready even to be asked about it ya know?

Let me say, and I'm sorry if I'm generalizing here, but having conducted my own search and dealing with 5 different potential bfathers fairly directly: it's not easy for men to deal with not being able to "provide" for their offspring (I'm using that word because I do think it's in their DNA!!!). He may still be in deep denial and it could be a disaster!

I LOVE E's bfather and I can call him any time. I cherish our relationship which has only gotten better and better over time. I really hope it works out but I personally think it might be too soon.

[elledarcy]

Thanks everyone. DH and I were talking about this last night and we agreed to discuss it with J (birthmom) in a few months. I feel awkward about asking her to be a go-between, too, so maybe I'll ask her if she would be willing to give me his email or contact info so we could write to him ourselves. I think she may be upset by the idea, but I also hope she knows we want to do this for DD and that it doesn't take away from our commitment to building a relationship with her. It’s still early yet, but I also don’t want DD to miss out on many years of having a relationship with her birthdad.

Like some others have said, I guess I just wish I knew what he was thinking. I think at the time of J's pregnancy, he was scared and just wanted the problem to go away so that was why he didn't want to be involved. If I contacted him and he said," no, leave me alone" at least I would know where he stood. I don't get the feeling he "requested" closed adoption, I get the feeling he didn’t want to involved in an emotional situation probably to protect his own feelings.

[JLW99]

If you contact him and he does not want contact, at least you would have peace of mind. But I wouldn't expect too much to have changed if he's still in high school. However, some day his feelings might change as he matures, so I'd leave the door open to contact.
And I would definitely run it by your child's birthmom first. Good luck!

[mg1970]

I would not jeapordize your relationship with the bmom for this. If he wanted to be involved you would not be that hard to find if you are linked through myspace.

What I would do is download photos of him from his myspace and save it and anything else you know about him in a safe place. One day your DD may have questions and you can at least provide this information.

M

[rtsmom]

I feel it's too early yet to invade his privacy.

Did bmom breach his trust by giving you his full name? What I mean is, was it his wish that you did not have any identifiying information on him?

If so, then I would say that technically you shouldn't print up information and photos of him from his MS page, but I know that if it were me, I would do just that and stow them away for my child, in case bdad was never open to meeing in the future.

Janet

[Cjmeck]

Personally, I don't think I'd contact him yet. I say that only because 1. his age/probable maturity level (my brother is his age) 2. the pregnancy/adoption was maybe not "real" to him since he didn't participate and not much time has passed for him to really reflect on that 3. He is getting ready to go through a HUGE life changing event as it is by joining the military. The stress that will be put upon him will be so intense (DH is currently in the AF, and I use to be). So I don't think I'd add anything else HUGE into his life.
Your daughter is still young, still has plenty of time before she starts understanding about adoption. The military will greatly influence how bdad matures over the next year. If it were me, I think I'd wait a year or two. I don't think he'd be ready or receptive to your offer right now with all that he has going on; particularly based on his past behavior concerning your dd. Keep his information and absolutely DO reach out to him at some point in the near future, but maybe just not right now.
I know alot of what I said are just generalizations and he may/may not think as I think he might. Maybe you could ask bmom what her feelings are on this? She hopefully knows him well enough; and is still a MS "friend" to see if he has brought up wanting to see your dd.
I think your intentions are good and hopefully one day soon, he'll see the benefits of OA too.
Best wishes.

[elledarcy]

Thanks again for the other replies. Bmom says they don't talk or have any kind of relationship as friends (she has also removed him from her MySpace friends, he has done the same to her). She says he contacted her after DD's birth to apologize for everything, but I also believe (based on MySpace snooping) that she has tried to contact him. She attended DD's baptism last month and mentioned to one of my relatives that she had invited bdad but he didn't want to come (she and I have yet to talk about this, because I don't think she should have invited him without asking us if that was okay, if this is what really happened). I don't think he asked that we not know anything about him. She has readily volunteered all kinds of information about him when we asked. I don't want to speak ill of bmom, but sometimes, I think because of her young age and other factors in her life, information she passes on is not 100% reliable, so that's part of why I'd like to get in touch with bdad and get information about his life from him.

Also, I have printed pictures from MySpace. I suppose this is snooping, but they are on a public site and I feel like, while bdad has a right to privacy, DD also has a right to know about where she came from. I am keeping the pictures and other information (his full name (got from bmom) and any family or military info I can find) in a safe place for her.

Cjmeck, I think you're right too that he may have a different attitude in a few years (when DD is more aware of adoption) and that he might have matured and changed given his military service and getting a chance to grow up and experience life a little.

[Stormster]

I'd TOTALLY print out the my space stuff and tuck it away somewhere. Unless it was password protected and she gave you the password that might be a little dodgy.

Great idea I'm going to ask E's bmother if I can print out hers because it's filled with beautiful poetry and pics of extended family etc.

Good luck to you. I didn't read (that's me!) the part about him being so young. That adds yet another dimension to this! The men I was referring to in the above post were all mid thirties to mid forties! Sorry.

[Oceans]

elledarcy... When she is OK with it and you are comfortable I really hope you reach out - sooner than later. I think it's important for him to know your door is open. It's easier to bond with a baby, than it is to bond with a 5 year old. Most bdads dont have the pre-birth bond... KWIM?

I think the younger he is, the more likely is feeling something. At least that was the case in my families HS , then Military situation. Also, the Military is very pro-family which also gave incentive (in our case) for bdad to be an active and healthy participant in the OA. I'm not saying today... Just not years from now either. If you don't let him know, then (to a degree) your are making his decision for him since it's unlikely he will reach out to you.

Just a thought.

[loveajax]

Since your baby is so young, I think you can wait (I remember when DD was young - - she is 3 now -- thinking that everything had to be "resolved" but life doesn't work that way sometimes!). I can tell you that we do talk about both her birth parents and visit with both and i am glad her birth dad is in her life (he and birth mom are married with two other children). So I think I WOULD reach out to him at some point (even if you dont' get the OK from DD's birth mom...I don't think it is her "call," really. You are doing this for your daughter's sake.) Good luck!!!

PS: DD's birth mom gave me her MySpace page and there is a link to DD's birth dad. Well, one day, his sister posted a picture of him as a toddler and OMG he looked so much like DD. So yes, I saved the picture. I think you should do the same because sometimes you can't find people later in life and it would be nice to have whatever info you can get.