[mdesi]

Okay, I went to see SITC this week w/ a bunch of my girlfriends, all of which are aware of my adoption and IF journey. Apparently, the fictional character of Charlotte is now proof that I will get pregnant after I adopt. Now, I have done the research. (Sorry if that offends people, but my job has a big research component, so I'm programmed that way.) This happens any where from 2-11% of the time, which is a little better than my old RE gave me to conceive and carry to term (2-8%). I have told these women this. DH has told them that no one ever talks about the friend that adopted and did not get p.g. after adoption.

Does anyone else get tired of hearing this? Tired of the media/Hollywood perpetuating this stereotype?

Honestly, to me, it's kind of insulting to the adoption community and those that experience IF. I'm sick of the inference being that I'm so uptight that my ovaries don't work, especially by women that are WAY higher maintenance than I am.

Sorry for the rant.

[WAMozart]

When someone would say this to me, I would just laugh and say, "Wouldn't that be AWESOME?! TWO little babies?!"

Alas, it never happened.

[mg1970]

Well I don't think I will be in the 11% since I have no ovaries. I think I would have to say -- wow, that would be amazing!

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I finally did get pregnant after thousands of dollars in ovulation test and pg test strips and a few miscarriages. I have mild OCD and can become obsessed at times but found some things just thoughtless and rude.

I, too, was insulted that it was inferred that if I would "just relax" and "forget about it a while" that I would find myself pregnant in no time. First, when you are wanting a baby you cannot just "forget about it"....especially if the doctor has you charting and taking hormones that must be started at a particular time in cycle. I also had people say that perhaps I was one of those women who thought about it so much that I convinced my body I was pregnant when I wasn't. HELLO....I had blood tests done and exams and WAS pregnant. One miscarriage was at 12 weeks for God's sake. I had seen the baby and heard the heartbeat via ultrasound by then!!

When people told me to "just relax" I would always ask if they knew a good massage therapist, chiropractor, etc and after they went on and on about this person that was SO good........I would say "Great. I would love a gift certificate from there" and walk away.

Good news is....I actually got a few and saved them for use AFTER I conceived, carried, and the baby was born.

Kim

[Eponine]

In total agreement mdesi!!!

Just spent the weekend with my ILs who are convinced that the only reason I have not been pregnant (well, carried to term) is that I'm too snotty and concerned about "getting fat".

It was a rough weekend - SIL gave DH a Father's Day card that was 7 years old and said "I bought this for you when you got married because I didn't realize then that you were marrying someone who wouldn't want to be pregnant".

?????

I shouldn't be too surprised - we were the first couple (still the only) marriage in DH's family where the bride was not pregnant at the wedding. Not that I care that people are pg before getting married by ANY stretch, just the assumption that there was no reason to marry me unless I was, and that the only reason I wasn't is I was stuck up and concerned about my appearance.

FWIW - I'm a heavy gal, I'm not sure why getting fat is perceived as a concern for me!

[minibus]

I am SO tired of this. Even people who are intelligent and sensitive enough to know this still continue to perpetuate this thought.

It's frustrating to me that the ONLY way I can get them to SHUT UP about this myth is to tell them personal info .... I'm on the pill because I have a balanced translocation of my chromosomes which would make it pretty difficult to conceive and then if I did conceive, the baby would have a chance of having a cyclops eye, one chamber to his/her heart, etc. And if that didn't happen, there would still be a chance that I would lose the baby, like I did the LAST one, in the 2nd trimester. That shuts them up, but it seems to be the ONLY thing that does so.

I've tried giving less information like "No, that's not going to happen." or "No, we've tried a lot of very expensive medical intervention already without success and we're not having a biological child.", but people keep saying "Well, so-and-so thought they couldn't conceive a child and she now has two kids!" Grrrrr. Can you tell this is a pet peeve for me?

[meghann]

This actually happened to my cousin - she adopted her daughter in January & she was apparently already pregnant at the time. I don't know whether she knew or not because it was so early; I'm sure if she did she didn't expect anything to come of the pregnancy because she's had multiple miscarriages - but she's doing well & is due in September.

I told her it was great because now when people tell me about "that person" they know of who got pregnant after adopting I can tell them, "Yeah, I know her. She really wishes people would stop talking about her..."

I find it a smidge insulting because the implication is that pregnancy & a biological child is the ultimate - that having adopted isn't "good enough" but that maybe you'll be one of the "lucky" ones who get pregnant afterward. I'm sure people don't mean it that way, but that's how it comes across.

[Gwen72]

Eponine- I am shocked by your ILs! Does DH stand up to his parents when they treat you like that? I can't imagine having to sit there and take that. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Whoever said they asked the people who told them to relax for a gift certificate for thier favorite massage therapist is a Genious!

[nikkianni]

Eponine: Are your ILs related to mine somehow? Because I seriously could have written that. Mine just assume that I wanted to adopt because I was worried about my appearance. Uh, yeah, that's it. 'Cause I look like a supermodel now, let me tell ya.
The only difference is that after the second nasty comment from MIL, DH let everyone know in no uncertain terms that we'd made our decision, this was the way it was going to be, and we didn't care about their opinions, they could keep them to themselves. I was very proud, he never stands up to them.
Meghann: I get the adoption as second-best thing all the time. Last time it was actually during one of DD's tests. I was stressed to begin with and then this nurse starts talking about how it was so good of us to adopt and how it's too bad we couldn't have one of our own (I ignored this), and it's so fantastic of us that we're keeping DD even with all these problems.
Aaaaaand that my friends is where I lost it.
I smiled and said very nicely that we really had to keep her, since her warranty had expired and they wouldn't let us take her back for a healthier model. Then I asked for someone else to come in to assist us. NOW!
That's really the attitude I hate. I find the getting pregnant myth annoying or even amusing depending on my mood, but that whole it's too bad you had to adopt and now you got a lemon thing, oh I just go off.
Oh, and BTW, we didn't even know if DD had any issues at that point. She was just having tests done.

[clematis]

Comments like that bug me too. If relaxation was all I needed to get pregnant life would be much simpler!

My husband has a family member who has two adopted children. They were adopted as newborns and are now 9 and 6. A couple months ago the wife found out she was pregnant. Yup, everyone started saying how all they needed was to be patient. People say things like "They could have saved themselves all that trouble..." as if adopting is some sort of burden.

The thing is I know if they hadn't adopted first, people would be commenting about how long they waited to start a family.

[Eponine]

nikkianni - sometimes I tell DH I don't know how he came from a family of people who are so rude and have no care for others' feelings. It's really a sad situation.

gwen72 - DH does stand up for me/us/our marriage/our son but it doesn't seem to help. The really bad comments like about the Father's Day card are getting fewer and farther between (at least in front of us!) Luckily they live 2 1/2 hours away so we only see them every couple months - they don't visit us so we don't put a lot of effort into seeing them.

[icunurse]

I have been told that more times than I can even remember. So, when someone says that to me, I usually say something along the lines of "actually, that doesn't happen that much.....people just make a big deal out of it when it does". And when a person follows it up with how great pregnancy is (which I take as them saying bio is better), I tell them "my kids are better than anything DH and I could have done ourselves". That usually shuts them up.

[elledarcy]

My DD's birthgrandma actually said "I bet you'll get pregnant now" after we brought DD home. She meant it in a nice way (maybe they are hoping for a little sib for DD), so I told her the same thing I tell everyone, "that would be wonderful!"

[loveajax]

I didn't see SITC, but this happened on the last episode of King of Queens as well, and for some reason infuriated me.

I have seen a statistic of 5 percent of adoptive mothers give birth after adoption. Of course, my flipping IVFC nurse was one of them (there's always one that everyone "knows" and remembers to tell you about!).

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by icunurse

And when a person follows it up with how great pregnancy is (which I take as them saying bio is better), I tell them "my kids are better than anything DH and I could have done ourselves". That usually shuts them up.

Love it~ AND the OP should use that line, but tweak it to say,

"Obviously rudeness and thoughtfulness runs in DH's family, so I don't think we need anymore of THAT in the world, which is why we have chosen adoption as our means to add to his family" HAHAHAHA