[Oceans]

I just saw this said in another thread by one of my favorite parents but I didn't want to hijack. I was actually wondering the other day if this existed and would love to hear thoughts on this...

Do you feel you have to (or want to) be a better parent because you adopted? and
Do you think you would feel the same way if you had a closed adoption (I'm talking the old days of CA - complete anonymity)?

Thanks!

[jren]

Yes, I have felt this way. In my situation, DD's birthfamily could have easily raised her in a wonderful environment, plenty of financial resources, love, etc. They're wonderful people. So, I have felt like I had to live up to their family somehow.

I probably would've still felt a responsibility to "get it right" even if it had been a CA. I think that sometimes, a lot more thought goes into adopting than getting pregnant (you can't just decide one night with your DH to have a baby and nine months later, pop). Also, most of my friends who got pregnant didn't have to list before conception how they would be disciplining their child, what they wanted their child to acheive, etc.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

YES!

I feel like more is expected of me because I adopted my children. Like I should spend the rest of my life trying to be supermom because I was blessed enough to have my children placed with me.

[aclee]

I do feel pressure in general to be a great parent, though I don't think I feel additional pressure becuase we adopted. I think many people are so blinded by the "amazing" thin we've done (gag) that they don't really judge me as hard as I judge myself.

I worry a lot about providing Ty with the life his bparents envisioned him having when the picked our profile. I worry if they come here, they will be disappointed in our home and way of life. I struggle with that a lot actually. I think I would struggle with living up to their hopes regardless of if our adoption was opened or closed, but I guess a little more so in the respect they could be disappointed with me face to face.

[loveajax]

Since I am "super parent," I just never thought of it!! hahahahha.

I actually am thinking (for me) this had been age-dependent. When DD was younger, I definitely felt more pressure...now honestly, no.

I actually hate to say this but people think we are so "awesome" for having adopted and that DD is super-cool. That bothers me a bit because we are like any other parents...we make lots of mistakes, etc. I posted in another forum recently about "adoptive parenting" and then I realized (for us) it is about 99 percent the same as any other kind of parenting...but yes, there is an "added twist."

[kelceesmom]

Oh Oceans, why did you have to ask this question?!

I do feel that I need to be almost perfect if not perfect. I was blessed with this wonderful baby and she should have perfect parents.

In the end we are not perfect and I have to live with that. Many things have changed since I adopted and I am scared that if we are ever blessed to have Kelcee's bparents come back into our lives they will be so disappointed in me.

[turtlet]

I feel the pressure, but I don't know if it's because we adopted or because I desperately wanted a child for so long. When I was trying to get pregnant, I would get so irritated and parents who would complain about their kids or who would say "take my kids for the weekend, that'll cure you of wanting kids". But now that I'm a parent, I do complain about my kid and I have almost said "take mine for the weekend". I feel like I should never complain about how tiring and difficult it can be - like if I do that, I don't appreciate the wonderful gift we've been given.

[lovemy2boys]

I don't necessarily feel the need to be a June Cleaver type "superparent" (ugh - does anyone? lol)...however, my DH and I are more "aware" of our choices/actions as a couple and as a family.

We feel like we owe it to our boys as well as their firstfamilies to really be conscientious of the decisions we make. We were given the opportunity to be parents - our boys' firstfamilies entrusted us with the job of loving and raising their children...of instilling morals, setting examples, and caring for them the way they deserve...

It's not like we'd be doing anything different with our children if they were biological, but because they ARE adopted, we seem to be much more sensitive to the responsibility that we have been given (if that makes any sense).

Although we are in open adoptions, we would feel the same way had we been in closed adoptions.

[aallen25]

I honestly don't feel any pressure above and beyond what I believe any other parent feels.
Actually, I take that back....one weekend every couple of months I feel it. During visits I feel a ton of pressure! I'm hoping it will relieve itself as our OA continues but I definitely feel like I need to be super parent when K is around....almost like I need to prove to her that she did make the right decision when placing DD with us.

[crick]

I am in a closed adoption and yes, that pressure was there tenfold in the beginning. I don't really know how to explain it but I felt like my kids had experienced several losses that they shouldn't have and it was up to me to "make up" for it. Not that I consciously set out to make up for anything because I logically knew that wouldn’t happen, it’s just how I started to behave.

I did really dumb things too. Example…first day home alone with them, I got this bright idea that a full scale cooked breakfast would help show them what a “good” mom does. An hour later covered in burnt toast, runny eggs, special waffles cut out with cookie cutters that I think the dog licked, juice on the floor and hungry kids, I gave them all cereal which is what they wanted in the first place. Lol!

I don't have another mom physically in the picture to "prove" anything to but in the beginning I felt like I was competing with this entity almost. Like a new wife might see her husband's first wife who passed away and all the memories he shares are full of her awesome cooking and how wonderful she was. I knew logically not to “compete” or to take things personally, but it was a learning process for me emotionally. Had to learn to separate all that out.

I think the factors of their previous life & them being older had more to do with things than just the adoption factor though.

[WAMozart]

I have considered this before, and I'm fairly certain I'm the same parent I would be if I had given birth.
In fact, the awesome love, respect, and encouragement my child's birth family gives to me reassures me and calms any fears I might have about having to be Supermom. They never fail to encourage and support me. That helps tremendously.

I couldn't love my child any more. I couldn't want to be around her more. I couldn't be kinder to her, want to teach her more, laugh with her more.
I couldn't fathom DOING more because what I do I do out of complete overwhelming love and it's at capacity - the edge of the universe.
I never consciously think, for instance, "Ooooh, I'd better take her for ice cream/to the museum/to the toy store - because I owe someone." I just love doing all that.
Excellent, excellent question.

[slugbug0930]

Hmmmmm

I don't think I feel any pressure because I think DD's bmom would be dissappointed. She tells me all the time that our DD is lucky to have such great parents and she couldn't have picked anybody better.

I think mainly I feel the pressure to be a better parent because I expect it of myself. I desperately want to be as good a mom as my mom was. I don't know if I will ever get there but at least I have a goal.

[jalapeno]

I so want to be the mom that each of my kids need me to be. And I think it's possible that my adopted kiddos need a little bit extra from me. What I really want most for my children is that they come to know themselves and discover their passion. I do worry that it may be more difficult for my adopted children. I know essentially nothing about their birthfamily. Will my kids be musically inclined? Will they be passionate about animals? Will they want to travel and explore? On the one hand, it's exciting for me not to know. I have no expectations and can just enjoy them for who they are. On the other hand, it might be nice to have some clue. Should I sign them up for karate lessons or stress academics? Will it matter? I don't want to overwhelm them with options. And I don't want to push them into anything. But I want to give them the opportunity to experience a few things they might come to really enjoy. And there are just so many choices!! I'm really hoping that I can be open enough and see clearly enough to help guide them properly.

So yes, I guess I do feel a little more pressure.

[Fran27]

Nope... I would do just the same for bio kids. Infertility and adoption gave me more time to research parenting etc and think about it, so I might end up doing better, but in the end they are just my kids... I just happened to adopt them.

[Stormster]

Great thread, so interesting (and comforting ) to read the posts. I agree that other factors contribute to this .... I was (have cooled out a bit now) HYPER vigilant about nutrition because of not knowing what kind of nutrition he got in utero and exposure to another "substance"....which also lead to being super swaddler, white noise DJ mixer and even a lighting expert (had to be just so....). Also after a staph infection sterilized EVERYTHING until he was four or five months even though doc said I didn't have to.

I used to make sure he had some great outfit on, couldn't leave food on his face for more than a few minutes. Not the most relaxed mommy.

Now my living room is like pee wees playhouse (that is def. all me feeling like "that's what good mothers do"). I am fairly sure at this point his birthparents would be satisfied they made a good choice though I feel his bfather over my shoulder saying "let him get dirty, let him be wild" even though he never said it to me, I know how he and his brothers grew up.

With me it's a combo of what I didn't have (playtime with mommy and lots and lots of photos) and the fact that I want him to have a wonderful childhood ESP because he's adopted, yeah. (though who knows I night be like this with bio kid) I'm still a perfectionist with his nursery which I'm super proud of seriously the rest of our house is like a normal family but his nursery is that of an OCD person

I know I wrote in another thread that we shouldn't have to overcompensate. But I think I do. i just don't want to feel like I have to be perfect anymore. I'm working on it! The happiest kids I knew growing up had really cool and relaxed moms!