[fisbaby]

I totally agree Turtlet .... I always feel so bad if I start to complain about something b/c I am so thankful for the blessing I've been given I never want to complain! On another post one time, I was talking about infertility stuff and I made sure to say how much I loved my child etc etc. and someone was kind enough to stop me and say "you don't have to tell us you love him, us adoptive parents always think we have to overcompensate by telling people that"! So true .... example, just yesterday I was chatting with a friend about our children puking on us and I instantly said "oh, but it's worth it"... now why did I feel the need to say that? I mean, yes it is worth it but that doesn't mean I have to feel like I can't say man, he puked all over me!

[Fran27]

Maybe it's overcompensating... or maybe it's because we really realize how lucky we are to have a child, and that we just want to make those comments.

I know it's not a popular opinion but you appreciate things better when you've fought so much to have them.

[tweetybirdus]

No, I don't think so. I feel that I need to be the best parent that I can be, not because she's adopted but because I am her parent and she deserves that.

[mommamarci]

YES! I feel like I 'asked' for these kids so I am not allowed to complain. My kids have to be well dressed, behaved, and, most of all, clearly loved! When my sister gave birth, my mom went and stayed for at least a week to help out each time. I did not want her to come help when Cameron was born. Two adults, one kid, we were okay. With Spencer, I wanted and needed the help. After dh went back to work, he was working 6 days a week 12-14 hours a day for the first 2-3 weeks to make up for suddenly leaving for 2 weeks. I NEEDED help. Did I ask? Nope. I don't feel like I am allowed to ask for help.

I don't generally complain about parenting or my kids. (Only to a select few people.) When people ask how I like being a SAHM, I tell them I love every minute of it. Always. I have lost a little weight since Spencer was born. When people asked me how, I would respond, jokingly, "Two kids under two, who has time to eat?" They thought I was joking. I was actually telling them the truth. I lost weight because I did not have time to eat some days... But, still I don't ask for help.

Maybe as my kids get older this will fade. I doubt it though. My mom kept Cameron during ICPC this time. I have already decided next time we will take the boys with us. It is just too much to ask them to keep 2 kids. (Although she keeps my sister's 3 all the time...)

[fisbaby]

Popular opinion or not Fran27, I agree. I think that when it comes easily you just don't appreciate what you've got as much!

[Stormster]

Mamma I could have written a lot of that post! And I NEVER ask for help.

[mom2justynsarah]

Maybe it's because I already had a bio child (and my husband is adopted). But I never felt pressured to be a better mom because my daughter is adopted. But I will say, it has always felt great to hear how happy her birth parents are in choosing us to parent her.

[Saya]

I think the "I need to be a Superparent" thing is a little bit in my personality. I always had this expectation of myself that I would have to be this amazing parent. And once we determined that adoption was going to be our route to parenting, I think this feeling did indeed intensify as I was waiting for Anabel to come home. We needed to be good enough to justify parenting a child who we didn't give birth to.

Then once I was actually faced with the day to day challenges of actually parenting a child, especially those first few months, it all went out the window. After she would go to sleep, DH and I would collapse on the couch after a long day, have a drink, and say to each other "If the child is still alive at the end of the day, it's a good day."

But now that I'm more confident in being a parent, I don't think my feelings in this area are any different then they would be if I were parenting my bio-kid.

[loveajax]

Saya, that cracked me up.

I remember several "things" I swore I would never do....No binky, no TV, no processed food....HAHAHA....

One thing that I remember being amazed about is having friends with new babies (bio) call me for advice...I felt like, "well, shouldn't they know what to do better than me?" And then I realized, no, we all have to deal with the same poop (literally and figuratively). My friends are so cool....they honestly have never made me feel any "different" than them, etc. so maybe that has helped.

[mumofone]

Marci, I could have written that post. I rarely ask anyone to watch my children. I am a SAHM with 4 children (1 is a foster babe). Needless to say, my days are quite full, and I feel I have no right to complain because this has been my dream for many years. I don't know if I raised the bar so high or if society did. I wouldn't trade my life for anything, but even we adoptive moms can have bad days too.

[Oceans]

I don’t think birth parents would ever expect you to be perfect but I can really understand how you would set the bar higher. As I read this I keep thinking of the Luvs diaper commercial with sweet music and the mom saying “In the beginning everything had to be perfect… The right bottles, the right diapers (etc.) but then…”

You get over it

Cut to screaming, sticky, happy toddlers running amok…

[mdesi]

Do you feel you have to (or want to) be a better parent because you adopted?

We are still in the matching stage of our adoption journey, but yes, I know that I will feel that pressure. However, it's not just about adoption for me. We have been TTC or working towrd family building for almost 6 years. Everyone knows how badly we want to be parents, so I think that adds pressure. I have a degree in Psychology, a Masters in Educational Psychology, and will be starting a doctorate in the next few years in something about pedagogy. So, I think people automatically assume that I should have more techniques to be that "super" parent. I don't even have a child, and I'm feeling pressured. To add to that, not to drag, but there seems to be an idea that I have to be "100% mentally healthy" to be an adoptive parent evenon this forum where we turn for support. Some days, I'm 100% healthy, others it's more like 70%. Like I said, I have degrees in mental health issues. Nobody can be 100% healthy all of the time, but the pressure seems to be there!

Do you think you would feel the same way if you had a closed adoption (I'm talking the old days of CA - complete anonymity)?

Given the scenarios I outlined, the only difference for me is that the first family will know how I'm doing, and I did not even mention them in the first part. Nah, I'd feel the same pressure regardless.

[mumofone]

One of the best quotes, (can't remember where I read it, on here maybe) I have heard goes something like: "I thought I knew everything there is to know about parenting until I became a mom". It speaks volumes.

My DH's educational background is also in Psychology/Sociology, and one would think we'd have all the answers....not a chance. lol

[Saya]

Originally Posted by Oceans

I don’t think birth parents would ever expect you to be perfect but I can really understand how you would set the bar higher. As I read this I keep thinking of the Luvs diaper commercial with sweet music and the mom saying “In the beginning everything had to be perfect… The right bottles, the right diapers (etc.) but then…”

You get over it

Cut to screaming, sticky, happy toddlers running amok…

Hee-hee! Yup, that's kind of what it felt like!

[Cjmeck]

I think most adoptive parents have a bit of the Super Parent Syndrome; probably as a result of their infertility history and struggles to create a family. If you go on some parenting after infertility websites, you'll see the same thing. Those of us who have struggled to attain our children look at them with different eyes. As for me, I'm in a closed adoption and I also have a bio child; I'm definitely guilty of being a Super Mom. Like the poem goes "I will be a better mother for all that I've endured". Not better than the average mom or someone who has struggled to build their families; but just a better person because of it.