[Daisy2]

My husband and I are in the middle of our home study right now and I have started to feel very resentful toward him for making the decision to adopt and I feel bad about it.

My husband was very against IVF due to moral reasons but, I had really wanted to try IVF prior to making the decision to adopt, I almost feel cheated out of having the chance to have my own child. Other than trying naturally for two years we didn't do any infertility treatment. We were only given the choice of IVF because we both have infertility issues.

The further I get into the home study the more scared of adoption I become, I have now known two people that have had their child taken back by the birth parents and that really scares me. my DH family except for his father has been disinterested to say the least in the adoption. I am scared that if the birth parents take our child back his mother (who is crazy and against adoption) will blame us for the situation.

I am basically feeling scared, nervous and resentful about the decision to adopt and I am unsure how to feel better about it. Any advice would be appreciated.

[kelceesmom]

First of all you state that your husband "made" the decision to adopt. I totally disagree with going ahead with an adoption if both spouse's are not for it. It could lead to other problems arising in your family unit.

I think you still need to do a lot of talking before you put yourself out there for a potential match. This is just my opinion.

I wish you luck.

[Leigh131313]

First of all - Do NOT go into adoption until you have resolved your feelings about this. PERIOD.


I think you need to sit down with dh and talk about your feelings. Have you met with a doctor to discuss the expenses and odd's of success with IVF? If you haven't you should probably do that too.

I think it's really important that anyone moving into adoption should be at peace with their infertility. I'm not saying 100%, I think there is always going to be that twinge for some.....but basically, I think you have to move into adoption with all of your heart.

If you DO decide to adopt - it sounds like you need to do a little more research. If you are that concerned about a pbirthmom changing her mind, I would suggest only looking at situations where tpr has already occurred.

[Fran27]

I agree... I would put the homestudy on hold and maybe do some counseling... My agency would not approve a homestudy if both are not 100% on board.

[turtlet]

The scared feelings you have are totally normal. I can't tell you how many horror stories people felt the need to tell me about failed adoptions when we were adopting. Ours went completely smoothly and our son is now 3 years old. My husband was somewhat hesitant about adopting too but now says it was the best decision we ever made. I geuss all I can say is that we couldn't me more happy of our choice to adopt.

[Daisy2]

I guess I didn't make it clear, I very much want to adopt, I am also very excited to welcome a baby into our family through adoption. I am just very concerned about a few aspects of this situation and at times I feel resentful that we did not try any medical procedures, and that is what I didn't have a choice about.

[Fran27]

Originally Posted by Daisy2

I guess I didn't make it clear, I very much want to adopt, I am also very excited to welcome a baby into our family through adoption. I am just very concerned about a few aspects of this situation and at times I feel resentful that we did not try any medical procedures, and that is what I didn't have a choice about.

I still stand by my comment... some agencies require you to have resolved your infertility issues... because if you really want a biological child, you might not love an adopted child as much.

[Daisy2]

There is nothing to resolve, my husband knows how I feel. I respect him and I respect his morals. We are both happy about the decision 90% of the time. I could have pushed him into doing IVF if I wanted to, but again I respect him to much to do that.

Are you telling me that you never have/had bad days during your adoption process? I don't appreciate being made to feel like a bad person or an unfit parent because I was asking for advice on how to resolve an issue I was having.

[aclee]

I think it's more emotional over physical resolution. We didn't resolve squat. We didn't get pregnant, did all the tests that said, yeah you should be able to get pregnant and when it came to making the choice we were like...we want a baby. If we're going to be broke either way (paying for fertility treatments or paying for adoption) and exhausted (from treatments or a pregnancy or the adoption journey) we just wanted the sure thing...and for US that was adoption. Now I said for US. That was a choice we both made. That being said, I think many guys, for many reasons can make choices without understanding the other aspects that might make a woman choose differently. The desire to carry a pregnancy etc. You can both be FOR adoption, adopt and love that child to pieces. I'm not worried about your adoption PLAN, I'm worried about your marriage. It doesn't seem like you specifically resent that you are adopting, but resent your husband for taking away that other potential choice. In the long run your adopted child COULD end up as the physical presence of that resentment and THAT wouldn't be fair. Take care of your marriage, and work this out now...not only is that what is fair you the child but that is what is fair to YOU!!!

[Fran27]

Daisy, I thought you said you were resentful you didn't try IVF but now you say you're ok with it? I'm just confused I guess.

But I feel strongly that you shouldn't adopt if you're so resentful at not having a real try at a biological child. dh had to try a second FET before he was 100% into adopting. Today he has no regrets it didn't work, but it put him at ease to try at the time.

You both need to be 100% into adopting... not 90%. Fears are totally normal but from reading your posts it just seems there is more to it... and you should try to solve that before putting a child in the mix.

[fisbaby]

Daisy2 - I think what everyone's trying to say is only that if you are upset with your husband about not doing the IVF you should probably resolve that together or it could cause problems in the end.

However, as far as a bad day or being scared or wondering oh geez, are we doing the right thing? I feel like those things are TOTALLY normal. It's kind of funny how it works out actually, I was 100% positive it was time, DH was worried just about the process overall not about how much he would love the baby. At the hospital he just couldn't get over it and said it was the best decision ever. I felt the same way but had the feeling of it wasn't "real" yet! When it all is said and done, if you want to adopt and your husband wants to adopt you'll both have fears off and on but in the end you'll have the biggest blessing of you life that you couldn't love more, atleast that's how it was for us!

Good luck!

PS - I'm one of those that wouldn't trade my DS for anything in the world, biological or not, but I would be lying if I didn't admit I still would love to get pg and have a biological child also. I would love to have both sides! I would also be lying if I said that the hurt from infertility went completely away, I think for most it always lies in the background most of the time ... only to resurface sometimes... like when someone is pregnant!

[HappyTwinsMom]

I have started to feel very resentful toward him for making the decision to adopt and I feel bad about it.

I guess I didn't make it clear, I very much want to adopt,

There is nothing to resolve, my husband knows how I feel.

I'm sorry...but feeling a little confused here, too. You started off saying you were resentful that your husband made the decision to adopt, but then you said you very much want to adopt.

I agree with the others who say you really need to resolve the emotional issues you have surrounding this. It's not that you have to resolve whether your husband understands your feelings or not (although from what you shared here, it sounds like he is making the decision regardless of your feelings, which isn't really how marriage is supposed work), but that you need to come to a good place in your feelings about leaving behind the option of medical invervention.

I could have pushed him into doing IVF if I wanted to, but again I respect him to much to do that.

While I can certainly appreciate the level of respect you've shown for your husband's feelings, is he showing the same level of respect toward yours? From your own words, it seems that he is making the decision and you are simply following along.

I almost feel cheated out of having the chance to have my own child.

Just for the record, most adoptive parents (myself included) are bothered by people referring to biological children as "their own child." My daughters are my daughters, regardless of whose body they came from. They are "my own children."

I would imagine that everyone has their up and down days during the adoption process. I nearly had a panic attack the evening we were called to say our babies were being born. We'd been matched for only two weeks and they weren't due for another nine weeks. I wasn't ready (at least that's what I thought). Turns out, everything was fine. Once I saw my babies' sweet little faces, I was madly in love and wouldn't have changed a thing.

I do hope you find the support you're looking for. I would encourage you to read back over your own words. It might help you to understand why people are responding the way they are, and why some of us are confused.

[Oceans]

The further I get into the home study the more scared of adoption I become, I have now known two people that have had their child taken back by the birth parents and that really scares me. my DH family except for his father has been disinterested to say the least in the adoption. I am scared that if the birth parents take our child back his mother (who is crazy and against adoption) will blame us for the situation.

I'll comment on this piece. I think it's more educational/mindset in nature.

You must understand that a baby really isn’t “yours” until after a Consent to Adoption (commonly referred to here as TPR) has been signed and all recession dates have passed. Recession time frames will vary by State so you want to do your research. Once these dates have passed, the child is yours and birth parents can only “take the baby back” if the adoptive parents engaged in some sort of deception or fraud. Prior to these dates, parents (as in biological parents) have every right to decide not to place their child - They are not taking "your" child back... (I am trying to say this with sensitivity but be clear as well)

It’s not easy for prospective adoptive parents but I want to make that clarification because it’s a common misconception for those new to adoption and IMO, an important mindset when adopting.

As Leigh said, you can request to be matched after the baby is born and TPR has been signed if you are uncomfortable with this situation.

[Slatond10]

I didn't read the other responses , just responding to your post... so forgive me if I repeat anything or get off track.

#1 -- First adoption is an emotional roller-coaster ride and you will have lots of emotions through-out the process. As a single older mom w/PCOS that adopted, I did not try other processes to have my own. I can not relate to the heart-ache and pain you must be experiencing completely. I did however experience doubts about being single raising a child. Would I be doing an injustice to the child? I adopted from Guatemala which has a RICH culture and I doubted that I was doing the right thing by removing her from Guatemala... on and on and on!!!! There were 1000's of concerns / doubts.

#2 -- But I can tell you that I adopted DD @ 13 wks and she is 3 1/2. She is the LIGHT of my life !!!! She is my ONLY child but I can not imagine loving anybody any more than I love her. I do believe that ALL of my motherly instincts are coming out ( the good , the bad and the ugly ones )

So IMHO you will have all sorts of feelings and only you can decide if it is a "red flag" or just another hormonal moment.

But there is nothing better or sweeter than my precious DD raising her arms to hold me while saying " I love you Mommy" or "You're the best." I wish I could say it makes all the "doubts" go away and it does about the adoption but not about "how to parent"... Shew!!! Every day I struggle with a new issue and whether or not I am doing the right thing.

Wishing you peace in moving forward to parenthood through whatever method you chose.

[gottahavehope]

Is it really necessary to give what you consider an "educational lesson" when someone is dealing with their pure and honest emotions about adoption and fertility. Why not just try support instead of jumping all over someone because they don't use the right semantics that back up your philosophical point of view. Gah!

Anyway, I don't think it is wrong to go into adoption while sill harboring a hope that you will get pregnant, or having saddness that you may not, AS LONG AS, you are just as equally excited about adoption, and know 100% that the child you adopt will be the love of your life.

The reality is that fertility is so tied into how we feel as women. There were times during our adoption journey that I felt angry that I had to jump through all the hoops, worry the bithmother would change her mind, not get to experience my son kicking inside of me, but I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would love him, that he would be my boy. That it would not matter if he looked like me, or shared any traits of mine. All that mattered was that we would be together. I would be a mommy. I was willing to lay my life on the line for him from the minute I knew he was just a little peanut in someone else's belly.

I would agree that with many people here that you may benefit from taking a step back, having these conversations with your husband, letting him know that you want to adopt but you still think and wish you had tried other options, maybe even talking to a professional about it all.

And, thanks for being honest. Don't be afraid to put it out there. People may not always agree, and you may get some harsh judgement here, but you will also find a variety of opinions and views, and most willing to share the fear and the joys that come with the search to be a mommy.

Take Care!